The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I've been doing alot of soul searching lately and have realized that my AH and I are not really happy people. He has his life-which involves alot of drinking. And I have my life which I have mostly distanced myself from anything to do with his alcoholic behavior. We have two separate lives most of the time. I do enjoy his company when he is sober and am able to talk to him abou the kids and work and life. But when he's drinking that all shuts off and we go into our separate worlds and rooms. I love him but don't like him a majority of the time. I am not going to make any rash decisions but I have a feeling that as I keep getting stronger i may need to move on. I am going to give this a year. A year in which I am going to gather strength and listen to my soul... I'm sure other people have reached this point in their lives. How did you handle it? When did you realize it was time to cut the ties and move on? Any advice would be appreciated.
Do some stuff that you like to do and invite him to participate...not because of any other reason than you like to do them and are inviting him to enjoy it with you. If he chooses not to that's good information for newer choices. When I know that my life is on hold because my wife chooses not to participate I move on without her. Often times its like a mini divorce or separation an other times being with her seems like "the loneliest place in the world" an honest expression of my feelings and not intended to change her. I invite and I move on. I don't use her lack of participation as an excuse not to participate in her life...after all I still have enabling characteristics and skills which are not sins just that it often causes us to gift others more than be gifted ourselves. I'm no longer needy I can stand alone and get my life done when that is necessary after all when I got my life it didn't come with a list of people I was supposed to have in it. I get to choose always who is there and who is not and some get to refuse invitations. Move on and grow.
Early in program a member told a joke about an Al-Anon member getting into a fatal auto accident after leaving a meeting and just before they passed the life of their alcoholic passed before their eyes. At first I was horrified at the joke until I got it. Live your own life in spite of others and not to spite others. It has always been your time to move on...that is what we call choice. In support. (((((hugs)))))
Your post and response has given me food for though. I'm living with my SO and he is not a drinker but has become very ill anyways. He will not get his life together medically or emotionally and I have given up on him. I ask if he wants to do anything and he just says no and sleeps all day. But I in turn sit on the bed watching TV and playing on the laptop. I have to stop this and do what I want to do no matter if he's home or not. I need to get out the enjoy life to see if I can live alone and enjoy it.
I'm going to start handling it MY way and see what happens.....
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Hi SL I am happy that you have chosen to wait a year before making any decisions. Keep working your program, keep the focus on yourself, rebuild your self esteem and self worth by working the steps . Then one day you will know intuitively the right actions and when to act
Hugs to you during this difficult time. I have been in a similar situation, and it can be so hard to know what to do. But as the wise people on this thread have recommended, trust that if you continue doing your work in the program, the next right step will show itself.
I like what others have said about building up the life you enjoy, with or without him, during this time. You are already living alone in many aspects, and knowing that you can and have been taking care of yourself will help you no matter what you decide in the future. I remember with my ex that the more I felt empowered by taking care of myself, I was less dependent on him and his behavior, which helped me to not make decisions in fear about leaving him. Once I did leave him, I remember thinking how much easier it was to just take care of myself and my daughter, and not to have to get as tied up around what he was doing or not doing. You can of course, still work on not getting caught up in his stuff while living together, but in my opinion, it's harder because you are physically around each other a lot of the time. So waiting a year can be a time to really lean on the program and your HP, as you gather information around if being with him is healthy for you.
You're doing great, and I wish you all the best! Feel free to PM me if you want to share, or get stuck around anything.
Im not sure I can help, I left before I got into alanon, the consequences of his drinking and my denial finally caught up with my family and I left. I got into alanon and not long after my ex got into aa. Things have got so much better ever since for both of us although we are over.
I cant live with active drinking, i find it too difficult to keep my serenity and build good things in my life. I know people who did and do live with it, but its a sad existence, not really a partnership. One woman lived a very seperate life from her husband, I suppose she had a big enough house.lol. he would step into the family from time to time and then leave them to it. I think if hes a quiet drunk and takes himself off then maybe it doesnt sound too bad but if hes rowdy or agressive in any way then no way can I live with that and its unfair to expect children too. Waiting a year sounds like a good idea, especially if hes quiet, if hes not then get yourself out asap.x
