forgiveness - Al-Anon Family Group

deramam · Veteran Member

forgiveness

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I found that I could forgive when I decided I no longer wanted to feel the anger, resentment, and self pity associated with the affront. I asked my HP to lift the anger and the next day it was gone. I searched within and although, I could remember the events, the cheating, the terrible fights , I no longer felt the pain and anger associated with the event.

In my case I worked a 4 through 10th step on the issue-- found and owned my part in the events and asked H P to set me free. It worked. . Today I can share on all the pain I experienced in my marriage but not feel the pain associated with the issues

deramam · Veteran Member

I don't have a HP. I know it works for a lot of people and I have tried but I don't really know how to go about it.
This is how I try to get a HP...
I am not religious so my HP is a loved one who passed that was always there for me and then I don't know where to go from there.

I know it's like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies but I still cant let it go.. I'm always throwing the past in his face whenever I get mad, annoyed, irritated or sad and it's not fair to him or me.

slowlearner · Veteran Member

Dear Derama

I feel that you wrote the same thing that I was going to write about tonight. I was going to ask for prayers for me to be able to move on and take care of myself and not dwell on my AH's behavior. I've been married to my AH for 26 years. I've been where you are and at times still fall into the blame game of how he hurt me-like this weekend. I tried to talk about his behavior and I should know better because it's get me nowhere. He gets defensive and nasty and says things are my fault. He flirts continually and admits it. He did say something tonight that hit home for me. He stated that he does not behave the way he does to hurt me - it's just his behavior when he drinks. And I believe him - his brain falls out of his head when he drinks. It just really enforced the idea that I need to take care of myself, put a bubble around me and not let his behavior penetrate it. He's an addict that does stupid stuff, and it's a disease that I have no control over. Move forward with the help of Alanon and the support you find here to stick to your convictions. Slow and steady - one day at a time. I've been there with the depression also and it s****. Be kind to yourself. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it - that's for him to do. Sending prayers and hugs your way.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi I had some awful people do horrible damage to my home.

I chose to forgive them, didn't know how. Everytime I looked at my barn with the windows shot out i cried.

What worked for me was this. They will never know the serenity I feel, or be close to the creator as I am. They won't know what a miracle is, or how it feels to love the earth, each plant, bird sunset is special.

I ended up feeling very sorry for them. I have hp to watch over me and he never lets me down.

so possibly to forgive the A, as he will never know what it feels like to be a non a. he will always have this disease he did not choose. He will never know what true commitment feels like. That love that makes it so you would never even think of cheating becuz you only want that one person.

He will always feel more guilt than you ever will.

Its so very sad they are so sick.

hugs honey

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I learned and do similar work like Betty from within the same program. When I accepted that I wasn't such a keen or upright person myself I had to ask HP to forgive me and then learned that HP loves me unconditionally. I learned unconditional love even as I learned about unacceptable behaviors. I learned the difference between "my alcoholic/addicts and my wife and family". There is a huge difference and that understanding leveled the playing field. My wife rarely intentionally hurt me or anyone else while the alcoholic/addict did so with monotonous regularity. Coming here and to the meetings I understand the close similarities between our alcoholics and addict and their behaviors. Its a disease not a moral issue and I don't punish people for being ill. Forgiveness has much power especially to overcome the power of resentment. I cannot feel forgiveness and resentment in the same place and the same time so they are opposites. For me...I got with forgiveness because resentments tear me up just like drugs and alcohol do. In fact resentments cause such chemicals and adrenalin and testosterone to run rampant in my entire system...I can and have gotten as drunk on these as I did on alcohol and/or drugs. Forgiving isn't forgetting. I need to remember especially what my part in it is even if my part is making the wrong choices with continued bad consequences. The definition of insanity is "doing the same things over and over again expecting different results" that's a violation of proper memory and hmmmm I just don't like getting caught at it over and over again. Forgiveness is about me changing and often about being fair, honest and just which is how I want others to treat me.

Often times my expression of forgiveness is about not talking about hurtful experiences as I don't have to.

(((((hugs))))) smile

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I'm not sure from your post where you are at with Alanon step work or an Alanon sponsor. I had a lot of trouble with forgiveness of other but even more trouble with forgiving myself. When I worked the 4th and 5th steps, my inventory revealed some things about my own behavior that helped me to find both compassion for myself and the alcoholic. I found out that I had some behaviors that I wasn't very proud of. I'm not saying that the things you said he's doing are ok in any way and I'm sorry you're going through that with him. But for me, something different happened after working those two steps. I learned what I'd done wrong, learned what I'd done right and most importantly I learned how to stand up for myself. His behaviors didn't stop but what came out of the 4th and 5th steps for me was more insights about my strong and weak points and a bond with my sponsor who is always just a phone call away and with the god of my understanding who is just a prayer away. Words and actions of an active alcoholic aren't stronger than that.

Also... we get to choose what we want to forgive and what we don't. Some things we may never feel we can forgive and we don't have to. I just found that through seeing my own less than admirable behaviors by working the 4th and 5th steps, I was able to gain a bit of humility which made it easier to forgive someone else for their less than admirable behaviors. I also began by forgiving myself. My sponsor asked me to place myself at the top of the list of people to forgive when I reached Step 8.

I'll still do a small inventory every so often with my sponsor if something is really messing with my serenity and I'm not sure how help myself or to change it. Mostly, I try to keep close to my higher power through prayers for others and prayers for hp's will for me. That spiritual connection has brought answers for me. ((hugs)) TT

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello: You've received such good e/s/h here. For me, pride like: How dare you do that to ME! TO ME! Don't you know who I am? was at the root of my inability to let go of the hurt associated with things my x did in our marriage. I took personally what he did or didn't do as if his behavior was a reflection on me. I didn't know any better at the time. I still struggle with taking things personally now - in large part due to pride which I will always struggle with in this life. The other part of being unable to forgive was also pride like: I must do something about this right now. I must find a way to get it across to him just how much this has hurt me. I should be able to make him treat me better, love me more, show me more favorable attention, stop using, see how his habits are affecting me and our family.

When I could see that I needed to stop judging and stop trying to control what was impossible to control, I could notice how much I needed to make a change - many changes that were right for me. It was me who needed to see how much inappropriate behavior from myself I was allowing and do what in my heart of hearts I knew I needed to do for me without trying to change him. After all, I tried that for 8 years and nothing changed except that my life got more and more narrowed by the effects of alcoholism on me and I became more and more unhappy with myself. To live with a person who was as sick as my x required letting go of pride long enough to see I needed help and I needed to view myself with compassion as deeply as I viewed my children who were stuck in that pressure cooker with me.

Many prayers for you and your family as you do what you can to free yourself from whatever holds you captive in the forgiveness department. You are a loving and caring person - I've seen those assets in your shares. By focusing that love and care on yourself in ways that work for you perhaps you'll be able to start forgiving for your sake and not for his?

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Great post and replys. I only learned forgiveness after I had been working the program for a while, I found it was linked to my self esteem and anger. The more I began to care for myself the more I began to love myself and see my worth this meant I had to forgive myself for allowing me to be hurt or treated badly. The anger came and it went through learning and accepting that alcoholism is a disease that had damaged me too. My behaviour was not good, I was never the innocent victim that I firmly believed I was before. I played a role. If it was all added up then I may have came out in front. We both behaved badly, treated each other badly, we were both affected by alcoholism and forgiving myself meant of course I can forgive others.

Having self esteem and worth has allowed me to have boundaries now, I wont be treated badly anymore, well not on a regular basis. That is my boundary, if it happens then I follow through with the consequences as best I can, that way I build trust with myself, I know that I can be free in relationships because if im treated in a way that hurts me then I will change something that protects me from the bad behaviour. I trust myself to not minimise it or excuse it as this lowers my self worth and builds resentment. My life looks the way I want it to look these days and I get to choose what I allow in to disturb it, my choice and my consequences. Alanon is the key to this.x

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to what you describe here Deramam - I'm not sure what the answer is but I agree with a lot of the replies. I can relate to Grateful's pride - I trip over my pride almost daily, especially the 'you???? did this to me???!!!' It kind of makes me think that I need to start with forgiving myself for letting those boundaries get crossed in the first place. In my case boundary violations were a slow and creeping thing, so part of accepting that new perspective of myself is to unfurl and work hard at being the person I want to be. Not easy, but more enjoyable than I imagined! I also find that a gratitude list helps me to take my mind off all those ghastly memories. As to HP - I also have elders whose advice I value. They have all passed away, but asking them what they think always throws up some interesting and helpful answers. It is funny, I never used to take my Dad's advice when he was alive, I was a bit of a rebel in that respect, but after he died I'm surprised by how often we are in agreement!!

Makes me realise where my higher power might be lurking!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Deramam, I do hear you as I also had problems with finding a HP that I could hold on to and believe. In the beginning of my time in alanon and for a number of years, I used the alanon philosophy, principles, meetings,and program as my HP and it worked perfectly. Good luck

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I would throw out the hurts of the past too, but I realized that my throwing it out was because I wanted him to apologize for hurting me. Once I came to accept that an apology would never come, I could let go of the anger because I was just hurting myself by hanging onto the anger; it didn't bother him that I was angry, he thrived on it, used it as an excuse to sit at the bar drinking and complaining about the angry wife at home.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I fall into this false belief that somehow the person who hurt me has the ability to go back and rewrite history .. now .. of course they can for themselves .. when I hear the stories I really raise an eyebrow and go really?? So honestly I want them to rewrite history for me and make it a different outcome. Good luck with that .. LOL .. it hasn't worked yet and I wind up more angry at them because I'm asking an impossible task. I'm better now than I was about that .. lol.

I'm still struggling with forgiveness .. I get confused that forgiveness means I am condoning what happened in the past .. the reality is .. I'm choosing not to base ALL of my decisions on what has happened in the past. I can choose a different response in the future and that's a good thing. I don't have to trust someone who is not a trust worthy person .. to say that I trust my STBAX is foolish on my part because .. he's not trustworthy.

For a long time I felt like I was defective somehow because I couldn't/wouldn't forgive him (it's not just him I struggle with) and it's a process .. If he hurts me today or tomorrow .. I don't have to forgive him on the spot .. it's a process and it's my journey to work through. I feel that I'm denying rational feelings of hurt that I do need to experience .. now am I going to get the apology that I deserve .. probably not. AND .. I'm starting to realize that the person I have to start with forgiving is ME .. for allowing the abuse, staying as long as I did, putting my kids through hell and back, ALL of these things play into how I feel about myself .. in order to heal .. I have to let it begin with me first. I also had to forgive myself for not being enough or perfect in the situation. I played a part .. I've stated this before .. I will never say I had a part in the abuse because that is someone else's choices to hurt someone regardless of the state of mind they are in .. it is NOT a get out of jail free card for bad behavior .. now .. I didn't leave .. that I would say is my part .. for whatever reason I chose to stay in an abusive relationship .. I can't tell you why outside of fear.

Anyway, you don't have to rush through forgiveness because people who do I find live in denial of what was really going on .. these are my thoughts .. it is important to deal with the hardship so that I can move forward in a positive way vs pretending it didn't happen .. I guess as I get better at forgiveness it will become a faster process .. I think that not dealing with the past (my STBAX's FAVORITE line .. that's in the past, he blinked usually when he said that as if to convince himself enough time had passed to say that) is a huge disservice to healing .. I have to look to me because .. the people in my life aren't going to give me the apology I deserve so .. I just have to figure out how to deal with my side of the street and leave their stuff alone.

Hugs S :)

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I have to forgive for me, not necessarily for the other person.

I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. But forgiveness for me is being willing to let go so that I can at last feel at peace.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.