The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH has been going to AA meetings now for about 3 weeks. I do not know if he is working with a sponsor since we barely communicate with each other and he really doesn't even talk about where he's going or telling us he's going to a meeting, etc. He has not told our son about his recover, either. I came home from being a way for a week and found the O'Douls packaging in the recycling bin in the kitchen. It wasn't hiding, I wasn't searching. I know I need to truly throw myself into my own recovery at this point.
I first came to this site 3 years ago whining about how my AH was drinking NA beer and how I found out he was using it to start mixing with real beer and then it eventually led him to the hard stuff. It happened very quickly, but I knew even back then, the signs. I guess he just doesn't see that the NA beer was a trigger for him and that, in his case, it might lead him back to the real stuff.
Sigh....so back to my own recovery work I go. It was nice to be away for a few days, though, because I really didn't have him or us at the front of my mind at all. Now, it's back to reality and back to living with whatever it is is going on in my house, LOL. I have no idea what to call it anymore, except to say that I must work that Third Step prayer all day, every day. The prayer ends: "May I do Thy will always!", and that is where I need to be, in God's will only because my own self-will is gonna run me around in circles! UGH!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
See and I'm of the stand point that NA beer HAS alcohol in it so he's already slipped in terms of YES .. he's drinking. ANY alcohol for an alcoholic is a bad thing. I don't know any recovering alcoholics who drink NA beer .. that's just the facts as I have heard in AA meetings. So he's not recovering in terms of no alcohol in his system and there are some A's who go to AA and eventually DO find recovery in terms of total sobriety .. I can't tell you how many have shared I used to go to meetings drunk or high .. the point was I just kept going back and was always accepted back. I guess it's good that he's attending meetings .. he's not recovering at the moment as he's still drinking .. that's a total personal opinion.
Hugs .. yes keep the focus on you and what you need to do .. if you are asking if he's drinking or if he's slipped yes .. already happened.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Oh well. You are dealing with a person that is smarter than the law, all women, all authority...I'd hoped he would approach recovery and have that stubbornness be harnessed to his advantage, but evidently he's too smart to follow AA suggestions. All this is facetious of course but I'm sure you know what I'm getting at.
Good to focus on self because he might be one of those unfortunates that is fundamentally incapable of honestly. Thankfully, you are not like that.
Thats sad, i imagine you had some hope there for a while, the thought of him in recovery, truly working it and getting back some of which you have lost. Your plan looks good though, working on you, even harder. Thats about the best you can do.x
Snort, Mark, that was funny in a recovery sort of way, LOL. I truly think he doesn't see the connection, though, to the past because it wasn't like he was trying to hide it. There were 2 other empty 6 pack cartons in recycling. When he was drinking, he would throw his trash out at the park. Ask me how I know....no, wait, don't, LOL.
I really do hope he has a sponsor, but I know that even if he does, it doesn't mean he's being honest especially if he doesn't see the NA beer as a problem. As you all said, the best I can do is to keep working on ME. Also, I need to get some syllabus' written for my son's classes for the next school year. I have plenty on my plate. Oh, and the part time job I'm taking on, too. I really don't need distractions from his side of the street!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Prayers for continued strength and wisdom in dealing with your home life, projects and goals you have set for yourself. I do hope that part time job is a life giver for you, Andromeda. I remember you were excited about it and I'm happy for you. It also sounds like your hubby is trying to control his drinking and hasn't truly surrendered to his powerlessness over alcohol. It takes time. I know it did for me to accept my own powerlessness. Regardless, good that you are wanting to pay attention only to your side of the street. Hugs, sister.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 29th of June 2014 09:28:26 PM
Al-Anon is a self focus program which at time for me was and at times still is difficult when I'm being distracted by the acts of others. That took along time to get into my psyche as after the alcoholic/addict I was still having big problems comparing the actions of others to my value system which I wasn't doing so good with myself. Alcoholics for me today have a very defined expectation picture and I know it intimately from being born and raised in it, married to it, socialized with it and am one. It isn't new ground and there no longer are any surprises. NA beer isn't beer at all. I learned that at 16 along with my friends who I drank with from the minute we learned that we could buy it without an ID. Then we took it to the car and all agreed after a few gulps, "Nah this isn't real stuff and then under our breath...the big deal is the alcohol". Even the label didn't matter when we admitted that what we wanted was the "alcohol". We needed and wanted the buzz the drunk the affect. If it didn't come with the affect we didn't drink it and then the affect gets larger and larger and more perverse and includes behaviors and consequences we never intended on drinking or not. This is a life threatening disease which is progressive, can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence including abstinence from NA beer...NA beer keep the psychological system into and under the influence. A drunk is a drunk is a drunk. Sounds shitty and then all I gotta do is accept it and move on. ((((hugs))))
Thank you Jerry for your wisdom. Yes, the NA beer is more a psychological thing than the buzz you'd get off of real beer. Way back when he revealed that he had been drinking and hiding it, he revealed to me that NA beer was a gateway for him to drink the real stuff. And, I'm supposed to think it will be any different today? Sorry, but I don't and I can only hope that he figures it out sooner than later for himself. I need to focus on me, he's going to do what he's going to do.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
" I need to focus on me, he's going to do what he's going to do." Smarty!! you figured it out. Do the next right thing. He doesn't need you to remind him of what he already knows. "Free at last"!! ((((hugs))))
Interesting shares here, thanks. Speaking as an A with about 4 years clean and working my program, NA beer is a 'gateway' for me too. Whilst it doesn't have the buzz, it would most certainly put my mind on track to seek 'real' beer. Therefore I do not drink it.
I have seen friends relapse via picking up NA beer. They conjure up denials along the lines of wanting to drink an 'adult' drink when in company!! Rather than a 'childish' fruit drink. It leads on from there.
Just to share that for me, there are certain soft drinks that are gateways too. As I used them as mixers with vodka. Eg pepsi max. To protect my sobriety, I replaced these triggers with drinks that don't trigger me.
Andromeda, knowing the history, I could see he might think he gave AA a full try and he's still not getting sex and constant praise from you so he's sliding. He has a history of doing dramatic "fix it" bandaid solutions rather than true surrender. It's just sad that a person's psyche is so fragile that they cannot be honest and do true self-inventory work and change.
It also puts you in a position still of what you will live with and for how long. You don't need to agonize over it though.
Thanks, Mark. And, thank you SunshineGirl. It's funny that you talked about gateway soft drinks. I saw that AH had purchased tonic water and had it in the fridge. He's always been a seltzer drinker but he also was partial to gin and tonics. So, yeah, I come back to find tonic water and empty NA beer bottles and I know that it's more about habit and the 'searching for something to fill that hole', that emptiness.
You know, Mark, I think he is still working a program. I just don't think he's doing it with a sponsor on a daily basis. I think there's a HUGE part of him that wants serenity and happiness, but nobody knows how hard or how willing he will be to work for it. Only God knows those things and so I have to remember to turn him over to HP and just let time unfold. I know my choices, I could stay or I could leave, and it's as simple as that.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
thank you SunshineGirl. It's funny that you talked about gateway soft drinks. I saw that AH had purchased tonic water and had it in the fridge. He's always been a seltzer drinker but he also was partial to gin and tonics. So, yeah, I come back to find tonic water and empty NA beer bottles and I know that it's more about habit and the 'searching for something to fill that hole', that emptiness.
Very interesting. If I found myself being drawn to my former mixers I would see red flags and contact my Sponsor immediately. I would realise that I am feeling nostalgia to the romanticized version of drinking in my head. As you so aptly put it, 'searching for something to fill that hole'. So I would need to address this very urgently.
SunshineGirl, well maybe he did realize it and since I'm not him, I would have no way of knowing. That's why it's important for me to stay on my side of the street. He is at a meeting right now and I'm guessing that's exactly where he needs to be. And,yes, you're right that these things are red flags.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
My AH uses Nyquil as his crutch. I think most truly recovery A's would totally stay away from anything with alcohol in it. The ones who are still drinking NA beer and drinking Nyquil don't appear to have a strong desire to quit....just my opinion.
