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And not because I don't know it .. I know it .. lol. I am in a HALT mode as well as the extra H, hormonal as well it's that time of the month for sure.
I had some weird things happen over the last couple of days .. as if getting so close to my divorce date and then my atty having a stroke isn't bizzaro enough ..
My STBAX is talking out his butt, he's taking the kids 35 miles out of our area and I haven't said anything as you know with an active A what they say they are going to do and what they do are two totally different things. It did throw me because at some point I'm going to have to deal with that reality .. just not today and I have to remember that. Then he's texting with our daughter and telling her he's taking them to the park next week .. I was like WTH .. umm NOOO .. now .. Fri, Sat and Sun he can do whatever he wants .. those happen to be his visitation days. They have made it point blank clear they are not interested in spending the night and it's been close to a year now since the last time they have .. actually this weekend will mark a year since they physically have spent the night. Now .. I did reaffirm the parenting agreement with the kids .. the answer is NO .. he can't even visit on HIS days .. forget about additional time at this point .. it's that whole special snowflake deal .. the rules apply to everyone else just not to them.
So pat myself on the back .. I have NOT responded to either deal .. because I'm not faced with it at this point. Until I am honestly I don't have to deal with it .. I have prayed about it and talked to my sponsor and for me the right answer is to reiterate again the parenting agreement. As well as point out if he's going out of town with the kids .. he's driving the green car .. I want to see registration in HIS name along with insurance information. I'm not letting the kids get in a car with no insurance and it's not even registered to him. Sorry .. safety issue for me. The truck was bad enough .. at least I KNEW he couldn't go out of town.
It gets a little weirder .. a woman who is friends with my STBAX's s/mom has contacted me regarding seeing the kids. Now .. I haven't heard from her since she moved out of state .. and I answered to quickly yes .. and I really should have waited to make the decision before answering. Well, I cancelled this AM and now I'm stressing out she didn't get the message .. which whatever .. she doesn't even know where I live. This is what bothered me is she is the only person I have gotten a "private caller" id from on my phone .. mean in FOREVER .. last night at 1115pm my phone is ringing and there is a private number again .. I didn't answer as I just sent it to voice mail .. I took it as a sign .. I just don't want to deal with ANYONE from that side of the family until the divorce is finalized .. and not that she's from that side .. I just really am questioning why now .. I know she's been in town since she left .. so what's the urgency to see the kids now .. and she was very specific about visiting with them and maybe .. that bothered me .. well my daughter is at a sleep over and my son and I have had plans today .. which we have been to a skate park, and just hanging out .. I've gotten things done around the house and it doesn't bad to the point I wouldn't want someone in the house .. I don't want that vibe here.
I know that sounds weird .. it's one of my quirks .. I'm just very particular and to have that phone call in the middle of the night .. that would be an ironic coincidence to have happen. So when I cancelled I just said today's not a good day we will catch you next time. My son doesn't even really remember her and my daughter didn't say much about wanting to even see her. So I know selfish only child in me said .. not today. It's been about a year and a half with no contact. She's just not someone I consider a "friend" kind of deal.
Anyway, .. I'm irritable and I know it .. LOL .. I guess I just want to practice some serious self care at the moment.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Something my pastor talked about this weekend at church was spiritual fitness and I love that he sees his spirituality in that way. The other thing that he said weeks ago is the whole joy quota and what is that number for you? It was ironic because when I flipped my bible I had that written in the margin which is on the same page as spiritual fitness .. lol. So I will be reading my books this week and making sure I stay on my side of the street.
YES .. I feel like I'm a BAD LifeTime movie that has been playing on rinse and repeat .. ugh. I when I read stuff I think ok .. so that happened and that's not "healthy" and it's ok that I feel that way about it because that IS a healthy response to say .. that's not healthy.
I will have to ponder if it is odd or God .. because what I have really come to terms with the divorce situation is that is God's protection for me right now.
I feel much better about cancelling than I did originally and I checked with the kid who is home at the moment and asked .. is this someone you want to visit with and his response was not really .. see the harder thing is this is the kids Grandma the ONLY grandma who is present and she's not been present for almost a year now .. friend .. this is not someone who has been in contact with them .. this is not someone who has emailed me or whatever. Grandma hasn't been around mostly because of me .. in my mind she betrayed me and I just can't do that with someone who is suppose to be family .. while she was divorcing his dad she was peppering the kids with questions about when we were seeing their grandpa and taking my daughter who was 7 at the time driving past PaPa's house to have my daughter deliver birthday cakes .. it was insane during that time. So I don't want to go through a similar dance at this point. I can't have someone telling me how "normal" the STBAX looks well DUH .. yes .. he can hold it together for short periods of time .. HOWEVER .. wait for that switch to flip and MCP (Mr Crazy Pants) will run naked through the front yard screaming "I'M KING OF THE ROSE BUSHES!!" where I kind of go .. please tell me I'm not the only one who saw that right?
So this feels wrong to me and I'm just going to go with that at this point. Thankfully she hasn't called me back so that's a good thing. The friend comes and not grandma? Ooookkk .. lol.
Thanks for listening ..
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
OHhh blessed .. I can't even BEGIN to think about being intimate with someone else at the moment. Dating I wouldn't mind so much .. I definitively want them to go home. LOL .. as far as the what if .. I feel really solid in the fact I listened to my intuition and did what felt right .. at first I felt guilty and then thought .. nooo .. I should have listened to my intuition a LONG time ago and I kept denying what I knew to be true .. so .. maybe I am overreacting .. based upon what the kids and I have been through .. no .. usually if my senses are tingling there is a reason for it. Once again .. I had that feeling something was up and I was agitated about it a couple weeks ago .. anxious I'm sure about coming to an end .. it felt like more than just that .. usually it means my stbax is going to do something stupid and I can count on it like clock work.
Grateful .. thank you .. and YES that felt REALLY good not to second guess myself. Ok .. I'm tattling on myself (as my belief system I'm not suppose to dabble .. lol) .. years ago I worked for a psychic and I do believe that there are people who can see what I can't kind of deal .. she said something really profound to me one day and I didn't get it at the time .. by no means do I have a corner market on perfect crystal balls, mine are mostly cracked .. OBVIOUSLY!! I do know what I know when I know it and for a LONG time I didn't listen .. anyway .. she said to me .. if you enter into this relationship there is a part of you that will be buried for a LONG time. Well ... my first ex .. the 10 of swords every time I drew that card I knew .. it was drugs .. and I could draw that card and walk to the garage and he'd be smoking pot or doing whatever. He didn't do the harder stuff unless he was off property. M STBAX didn't like it when I called him out and I just knew he was lying or something wasn't right .. even in the beginning. There are just things I always knew about me .. I wouldn't have children until later in life and that my first would be a girl and second would be a boy. I wish you guys could have seen my STBAX argue with me .. with the dr's and so on about the gender of our first to complicate matters the ultra sound tech got it wrong as well and then we went through MANY different opinions on that issue .. LOL. Obviously .. I have a girl .. she is a treat and can be so much like her mother she scares me from time to time .. oh boy .. interestingly enough .. it is my youngest who is actually more like me (yes, I knew with him as well, this time the tech was way funny .. sir when are you just going to admit your wife is right), scary thought right there and intuitive like nobodies business even at this age. A boy who is intuitive .. interesting combination .. interesting to watch .. we talk about dreams and stuff. For me it created a lot of issues with relationships and still does .. when you know someone sees through your bull crap .. well .. need I say more .. it creates issues. I don't have to second guess myself and that is what felt good today .. I felt something was off last night .. prayed about it and decided before I got up .. ok .. this just isn't working for me. Divorce finalized .. bring it on, visitors and so on from his side of the family .. until that time .. I think it's better to keep distance.
I miss my psychic friend .. she is an amazing woman .. many years older than me and far wiser .. she's just someone I always admired .. PHD in psychology as well .. very gifted woman.
I miss that part of my life .. the goddess part of it all.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks for sharing so much of yourself with us, Serenity. Intuition is a gift that we ignore at our own peril. I'm glad you have listened, listen, and will continue to listen.
Unsettling things happened. Unsettling things can make a person feel unsafe. Maybe it's just me, but when I feel unsafe and start thinking too much about what might really be up, I become irritable. Good boundaries concerning the whole car travel with the kids thing. Also... go for you concerning the visit from this woman who is connected with your ex and his family. It could be innocent or she could be on a mission to come into your home for something unbeneficial to you and beneficial to your ex. My first inclination was to think .. does she want to spy on you and how you and your children are living by coming into your home? I would quicker meet her at some fast food place with the kids to visit and keep it simple by only having small talk with her. It seems a little weird that she's suddenly interested when there is no reall connection between you and your kids and her. I think you were very smart to put her off. Well, I hope you do something nice to unwind, relax and let go. Good job saying No to what you didn't want. I don't see you as selfish like you mentioned in your post. I see you getting with the program and putting yours and your childrens well being first. ((hugs)) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thanks for sharing so much of yourself with us, Serenity. Intuition is a gift that we ignore at our own peril. I'm glad you have listened, listen, and will continue to listen.