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I grew up in alcoholic family and have attended alanon meetings in another state. They were great. I have tried several meetings where I now live, and have not found any to be as helpful. I'm really struggling with judging others. My marriage of a year and half is great, my wife is very forgiving, very generous. Her daughter is an A with bipolar dx. The daughter lies, makes up stories where she is always the hero, (she is 31 with 3 kids and 2 step kids and A husband) My wife gives her a paycheck for doing nothing (can't even clean her house, she does occas. cook meals). My wife buys groceries, pay for all insurance, buys clothes and believes every word her daughter says. . All with no expectations from daughter. Daughter calls wife at least daily if not more, and is now complaining she has no alone time with wife. I would have given anything to have my mom even go for one cup of coffee with me. Wife has been patient with my critical comments. The time my wife and I spend together is good. It has been hard in that wife has been alone and only putting all her time into her daughter and grandkids for 31 years, and then wife decides its time for her to have a relationship. It was really hard to get used to the grandkids always calling asking wife to take them for food, clothes etc. I tolerate it but wife does expect me to love it. I have no grandkids,, have one son and d-i-l. (I had one son die in hiking accident and one girl with heart prob that passed at age 11) I got to where I might talk to my mom, before she passed, once every few months, and I might talk to my son a couple times a month. I know I have to let her mind her own side of the street. I try to remember daughter is doing the best she can with my wife being the enabler. Maybe I need to learn more on bipolar? Daughter calls her son on his stories, but she continues to make her own. I thought wife and daughter shopping was alone time, but I was told that doesn't qualify. I was included in lunches when the daughter would join my wife at her work but now since I'm "too critical" it would be better if I don't go. I'm going to try to find a page from alanon, about judging, to put as wallpaper on my computer that I will see each time I turn it on. Any other suggestions?
I would say go to a Al-anon meeting and get all the literature you can get, take it home and leave on the table for you wife to see. Maybe your wife will get a little hint about what Alcoholism is all about.
The biggest mistake I made was to enable my son. He didn't have to seek help if I was taking care of him. My son has depression and anxiety disorders but they are exasperated because of the alcohol. Alcohol is not the way to self medicate when your Bipolar anyways...just my take.
Welcome and keep coming back because you are not alone.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thanks for the replies. My wife helped take care of a sister that passed. Her sister was an alcoholic. She understands the disease. I think the bipolar dx created so many problems that my wife was constantly forced to stand up for/protect her daughter that now, the daughter can do no wrong. My wife does acknowledge how she doesn't clean etc. She talks to me about it, but if I make any type of comment then I am the bad guy. At the same time, my wife has been patient with me and my "issues" growing up with A mom. Wife and I have a good if not great relationship, its just when the daughter starts her stories or her judging, that I run into trouble. I try to remember I can't control, cure or cause it. The daughter was involved with a drug addict and had her first 2 kids, now my wife "takes care of her" to keep her from doing that again. Bought her a house 2 blocks away, always makes sure the grandkids have food and clothes ...Even today daughter doesn't care if kids are fed, clean or...part of the biploar. Having the mood disorders makes this even harder to deal with.
I had such a tumultuous relationship with my stepson before Alanon, and it made my husband resent me. I knew my stepson was up to no good, because I spent half my time watching what he was doing and the other half stirring the pot and reporting back to my husband. This caused so many problems with my husband, because he could see no wrong with his son. He would automatically go on the defense, and I would then be the bad gal. They both resented me for not minding my own dang business. My stepson has not changed all of his behavior, he has changed some..I don't know how...my hp had a hand probably. I have changed though. I have detached with love. I do not ask about their relationship, what my stepson is doing, etc. I don't snoop. I do clean his room, because he is a hoarder and refuses. Some may think this is enabling. I do this with God, because I want to live a certain way and I am the home owner. I'm not willing to give up my good relationship with husband now, because his son refuses to pick up a plate or a empty bag of chips off his floor. How important is it? I use that slogan a lot...or Keep it Simple The best way to keep my life simple is to stay in my own hula hoop. I have enough to deal with just myself. I also understand that the disease affected my stepson in this way, and it affected me in the exact opposite. I can be a perfectionist, but I'm learning to be a lot looser about my housekeeping. I totally detach from my husbands spending as long as he pays his share of our bills, what he does with his own money is his business. If he wants to give money to his children that's not my business, as long as his share is paid. Alanon helped me detach with love, face to face meetings, people I can talk to besides my husband about this stuff. I didn't want to keep building the resentments between us. I had to get the focus off of them and back on to me to do that though. I go to face to face meetings, work the steps, and I found myself and what I like in life :) Things are a lot more peaceful and serene around my house as well :) I owe it all to the program :) It helps to keep coming back here and sharing as well :) Blessings :
-- Edited by karma13 on Friday 27th of June 2014 04:22:11 PM
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
I think if your wife understood the disease she wouldnt enable her daughter like she is. I think its okay to set boundaries in terms of how much this daughter impacts on your lives. It sounds like the daughter and your wife have a codependant unhealthy relationship, your would get help in alan8n for this.
Hi, welcome to MIP. You've received some really good feedback from the family. I won't duplicate what they've said. I do want to share a little about me and being critical. Sometimes I get that way when I'm too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. When I'm balanced, things don't bother me as much as when I'm in need of some self-care or other-care. Care always begins with me and once I've fed myself, listened to my deeper feelings and what they're trying to tell me I need to do to take care of me, do something that I enjoy alone or with people I enjoy, and get enough rest, then if I still notice I need a little something more, I might share with the other person how I'm feeling about a situation and ask for what I need. Sometimes, I just need to be heard and sometimes I need a hug and sometimes I need to clear the air with another person.
Hi kid This is a difficult situation that you find yourself in. I can so identify. When my son's' addiction was at the worst , I could not seem to have a relationship with my partner of over 20 years because I was so over -whelmed with worry, fear an anxiety about my son
Alanon or not, I still could not relate. My SON was more important and so my SO and I agreed to separate for a time . He continued with alanon in NYC and I in NJ .
Please search out alanon and attend. The tools, the breaking of the isolation, the support will help you during this difficult time.
I'm glad you've found Al-Anon. It's true that your wife won't get anywhere by enabling her daughter, but that is between her and her daughter. Just as with alcoholism, with enabling, you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. It sounds as if they do want some alone time together -- I'm not sure I understand why that would be a problem? Have you gotten stuck in trying to control that, or trying to control your wife's interactions with her daughter? Maybe the saying "Let go and let God" applies here. Taking care of yourself is the most important (and the most controllable) thing.
My early times in the program was about sitting down and listening, listening, listening and then practicing, practicing, practicing what I heard and learned. Only one of the many things I learned and heard was the definition of alcoholism and that part which said "We to are as affected as the alcoholic in that we learn to act and react and become as sick or sicker than the alcoholic except that we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality." That is close to what was said in part back then and it helped me to understand how sick and tired of being sick and tired I was back then with my alcoholic/addict wife. I was not intouch with my "female side" back then (lol but I would come to be taught) so I didn't have the attachment and concern in the way her mother did who pleaded for me ot "save" her daughter. Men most often come from the head I have experienced while females more naturally from the heart and the bound appears so much stronger. Alcoholism can and will tear up familial relationships between even the non-drinkers. I suggest getting into Al-Anon one day at a time and just sit and listen. Give your self that one hour just for you and not for or because of anyone else. Keep coming back here also. In support (((((hugs)))))
Thanks so much for all the replies. I was thinking it was time to move on. Or do I wait to see how things go when we retire sometime this year. We will move about 5 hr drive from here. The mother daughter thing is not good. It's hard not to criticize when I watch daughter drink glass of wine and then breast feed or when wife pays her $2000 a month (wife has her own business , daughter is expected to pay rent) of if wife complains something is broke like yard furniture and daughter blames it on husband for not putting it away. Husband does work a full time job. Wife doesn't do anything throughout the day. I have said I like family get togethers at daughters. Daughter doesn't criticize or tell stories. My wife and I have also been on some great vacations together. When I met wife she said that daughter only wanted to see her on daughters time. And how daughter only invites her to go to zoo or fairs so wife can pay for things. I thought the daily phone calls and grocery shopping qualified as alone time. In my A background it would have. I liked the alanon meetings in the other state. They were 60 minutes. The 90 minute lunch meetings here limits who can attend. I really do appreciate the comments. A lot to think about. I am a daughter of A so I am great at over analyzing :( thanks for all the new food for thought. :)
When a baby is receiving wine in breast milk that is a child endangerment issue to me. The rest of it is between the Mom and daughter. The less said, the more opportunity Mom has to begin to feel put upon and used at some point. All Moms will rise up to defend their kids no matter how old the kids are. We can't help it. It's in our blood. We can get angry with our kids or be concerned about their behaviors and often anybody else who has a problem with it will become to some degree "the enemy." As far as the Alanon meetings go, there isn't a reason why people can't leave the meeting. Our on-line meetings are about 90 minutes. I can only do an hour and leave them before the next person "speaks" or "types." Back to the wine in the breast milk stuff - that's a toughy. I don't envy you that position and I think Al-Anon and the Serenity Prayer might help here? Prayers for your HP's guidance can certainly be a help to you in coming to your own solution for this issue.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 28th of June 2014 07:15:21 AM
I agree with everything Grateful2be said when I constantly was in my husband and stepsons business... I was the enemy...I had to get the focus on them and back on myself..it's hard work..ongoing every day work and I can't do it alone..I do it with the help of my alanon family and my hp.
and there are no musts in alanon..members are able to come in to meetings late or go early as they please. I have to leave a few of my meetings early for work and I have never had a problem.
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
