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My mother just sent me a message, it was very long but basically i love you, I know you are feeling like poo, I'm sorry, I know you try so hard to work on yourself and I'm proud of you, and if you come home I won't pick on you I'll just do everything i can to support you BUT I cannot abide people sleeping all day so don't expect that to change. lol. Do you know one of the things i admire most about my mother is her ability to change and adapt and understand people and she just demonstrated that. God she is confusing. I do not like to get up before the sun rises so, we are going to find ourselves at a stalemate. I'm just joking, you cannot imagine how good it feels to get the green light to go home. We can argue about when I should get out of bed later. She likes to go for walks, sometimes it's nice to go for a walk as the sun rises. But I am not a child and we will need to lay some serious rules down. She is doing me a big favour, but I need to retain some self esteem, do any mothers with grown up children have any advice on how to make this work? I am absolutely respectful of the fact that it is her home but I lived there for a couple of months when my daughter was a baby after my husband left and she just screamed at me as if i was a child the entire time and I felt so horrible having my child watch me be disrespected like that, maybe I could tell her that this time? Is it OK to accept her offer of help but have a talk first? I will of course be paying a decent amount for rent, bills and food. OMG mum dinners every night, I think I might cry with joy.
I DO get that this is her home and she has no obligation to take in her adult children but, I don't want to just be screamed at and belittled again. I've been a pretty good daughter, I left home when i was 15 and i have been a loving and supportive daughter, I haven't asked for a lot. My siblings have all lived at home, the oldest is 30 and she cooks them breakfast every day, I never had any of that.
My driving instructor called a few minutes later, to tell me the job agency will fund 3 more lessons and a re-test as long as I book it next week.
I'm lucky, geeze i cried all day and suddenly opportunities are being thrown at me. What if I F them up again?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Okay won't have to tantrum...YaY...Thought when I read this, "God will do for us (including mum) what we cannot do for ourselves. Go do your stuff. ((((hugs))))
I think maybe, now that I have a program (and this is very important to me) I will be able to speak honestly with my mum, express what is not OK for me and respect her boundaries. But it probably wont work because, my mother drinks and is in a lot of pain right now because her best friend is dying (in the next few weeks) from cancer. Her husband is a drunk. My sister is a drunk. The two of my brothers that still live there are drunks. It's sort of out of the frying pan, into the fire. I am not over-thinking it, they really do have serious drinking problems.
I don't drink anymore, I quit a few months back when it became obvious that alcohol was an issue for me. I have also quit smoking and I just don't know if i can tolerate this crap. It's weird how different everything is and how little i can tolerate. Everyone in my family just drinks and that's OK. it's not OK for me anymore, I think it's sad.
If I tell my mother this she will support me and not drink. I think she will actually enjoy it. We will call it "Dry July"
I'm overthinking this.
It's going to be OK.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
WOW.....ask and you shall receive. Don't over think it my dear. This gives you time. Just do what you need to do. You have that roof, you have that chance for a license again so get it together, find the employment , plan on a short visit with mum and keep the faith.
Only you can F it up no matter what happens around you.
(((( hugs ))))
-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Friday 27th of June 2014 06:51:55 AM
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
MELLY!!! This is great news! I lived with my parents right after a particularly bad break up which was at age 29. I tried to not be home much and that helped. I saved a ton of money. Yeah, my mom irritated the crap out of me, but what else is new? She's my mom. It motivated me to not stay there much longer than 6 months or so.
Now...stop with the negative self talk please!!! You have already been told like 2/3rds of us failed our first driver's test and just about ALL of us have histories having to end messy relationships with alcoholics. We used to go around calling ourselves "F ups" but not any more. YOU DIDN"T F UP. Okay? Not taking the test - never getting the lessons - not trying - that is F-ing up.
You can't crawl out of a hole while beating yourself with a bat the same time.
Wonderful news all around Melly. I am so happy to hear about the driving lessons and retest. Thank you HP. As far as mom is concerned --I do believe that you are not the same person who stayed at Mom's years ago . You have grown, matured , have program, tools know how to show up for yourself in a constructive manner. You can and will be able to communicate with Mom and draw healthy boundaries, It might be a good idea to have a "Game" plan or "rough draft" for the time you spend there and share it with her.
Remember that you are powerless over her drinking, and that alanon tools enables me to connect with my entire alcoholic family in a loving, constructive, non judgmental manner. It is her home she can drink if she likes. You can go for walks, meetings and get practice using your tools. I know she does not drink as much as you SO.
This is good news...a little sweetness from HP. Look at this as a transition, a stepping stone until you get your sea legs back. This time you have a whole team of supporters, you are not alone.
Well, Melly, you certainly got a whole lot of wise e/s/h. What comes to my mind is: Your Mom will do what Moms will do. What will you do? (I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself. Just seemed the perfect suggestion to pull out of my memory bank at a time like this. Grin) My grown kids have lived with me and love them as I do, serious talks with me about ground rules probably wouldn't have worked. Hey! I am and was a Mom. What can I say? Making the nest too comfortable wasn't the end goal of this Momma bird. So, I was me and they were they and they. Both moved on to live life on their terms and I regained a home that has plenty of room for my daughter and grandson to visit and my son if he ever chooses to get help in a recovery program. But, even now, we probably wouldn't have any serious ground rule talks. Needless to say, neither would probably ever want to live with me for an extended time. That's a good thing. (((M)))
I'm struggling with a different situation however similar feelings .. highs and lows depending on the day right now. I really have to keep things in perspective in terms of maybe what is coming is far greater (good) than anything I could imagine.
Hang tough because as the saying goes .. if it's all bad don't worry this too shall pass .. if it's all good .. don't worry this too shall pass .. for me it's just a cycle of life .. sometimes lemons turn into lemonade further down the road .. it's hard not to cry in my milk at the moment over the sheer frustration of not being able to see the forest for the trees so to speak.
A great opportunity to pause, pray and proceed .. figure out what YOU want and see if you and your mom can work it out. Maybe you will have to make some adjustments while you are there after all short term pain for long term gain.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I like the Yay!! response. Keep it simple fits it real well. I look at your situation and thoughts and suspicions through the filter of experiences...my own. I've been there and done that myself. At first I kept my distance from my parents using my sponsor's suggestion that I was going to have to separate myself from "all things" alcohol so I came around when they were least available even while I had a bed in the house. Next after or during the lessons that these kinds of events "were only a test" of the/my program. How much of the program/my program would I apply during the process. That part of the journey saw me commit to the program and commit to working it on a daily basis and not reacting off of it because I was back home with the people who I contracted the disease from mostly. What arrived soon after was using the situation to help me to an inventory my HP wanted me to do. HP asked the question "Who are you" and there I was with my Mom who was with me before and during my start in the disease. I got an opportunity I was not allowed to pass up and asked her for help on questions I had from the past. She participated...didn't like it and complained about it behind my back with my brothers and still participated. I learned and re-learned a bunch of very important evidence that brought me very close to the answer for "who are you". After I got that one done my HP had more homework to share with me which changed the relationship with my mom and step-father and Higher Power beyond expectations and I learned to appreciate "tests". The program works when you work it and tests reveal how well you're working it...just like your driving test. I was there and remained comfortably and respectfully detached from my alcoholic/addict family. The dysfunction would not touch me if I didn't allow it and participate which was hardly ever because I was done with crazy and still am. This is like a driving test...you get better with practice. (((((hugs)))))
My thought is that maybe you could weigh the pros and cons of your current situation vs living with your mom. The list might help with your decision. I failed my first driving test too!! So did my daughter. Don't worry...you will pass!!
