The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As you know, I'm only a few days from retiring and a few days from doing my part to dissolve the organization I created about 27 years ago. The workload has been intense. The people around me needy in part because I am retiring. And I am tired, tired, tired on all levels. I will remain tired until Tuesday of next week. There's nobody to pass the buck to because the buck stops at my desk. The constant stress of regular activities, plus distributing thousands of dollars worth programming equipment and supplies to many people in a 4700 sq foot facility, taking care of my end of the business and the dissolution process so that staff, board, volunteers and subcontractors are coordinated and in the know. I'm also responsible for making sure that the structure, its furnishings and our van are cleaned, serviced and readied for the next organization to receive it all in good shape, and our records stored properly for the next 7 years has resulted in me becoming Ms Crabby Appleton.
My voice tone hasn't been pleasant at all times. My acceptance of constant interruptions, unnecessary questions, and considerable other stuff has not been without some impatience. And I've even reached a place where the people I've loved and worked among for so many years I noticed I don't even like this week. Even the desire to make amends hasn't been very prominent in me as I've listened to one more "And can we have..." as people have hauled out in multiple bags more than they can carry and I've already said what is available for them to take and what cannot be taken.
I'm empathetic, too, so on top of all the fatigue and the Ms Crabby Appleton approach as mid-afternoon arrives, I've thought about how I would feel if somebody wasn't as pleasant to me as I'm used to and didn't seem to like me for a minute or two. And yet, I've also noticed I just don't have the energy to even make the amends.
As I started cleaning off bookcases and my office closet and desk out, I ran across two cards I've kept together in a desk drawer. I opened one from one of my best friends about a year before she died of cancer telling me how much she loved me and how beautiful I was to her. The next one was a card from my Dad who died in March. He had to have sent the card about 7 years ago before his stroke. The card said about the same thing as my friend's did.
I guess that sometimes when we've hit a hard patch, mercy comes in ways we don't expect and says to us: You might be crabby, but to me you are beautiful and I love you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 26th of June 2014 05:17:19 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 26th of June 2014 05:19:31 PM
Mrs crabby apelton, maybe your crabbiness is helping you at the moment. This must be an emotional time, its a letting go that for me creates uneasiness especially when theres no time to explore it and sit with it. Forgiving yourself like you would forgive everyone else for your crabbiness and know it will pass. Your beautiful to me too.x
(((Grateful2be)))) How beautiful! And I'm so relieved because the title of Crabby Appleton and Mercy sounded like I would click on the post and it would be about a twisted law firm. Please be kind to yourself- this is not an easy transition on so many levels. If it is helpful- make lists, delegate, find help for parts that become too overwhelming breathe softness into the tension, practice HALT. Thank you for sharing.
Catherine, Thank you for your honesty and humility. We do not have to be perfect and at times it is perfectly fine to be Mrs. Crabby Apelton :0
I am so glad that HP assured you of this today. You are loved today and everyday
Thank you, el cee. It is exactly what you have said. I have no time to just sit and be with "it" and with my folks.
Bud: There is no one to delegate any of this to. Just me and my part-time assistant again. Board members have chosen this month to be on vacation or away except for one who came last Friday and the both of us worked together to empty a storage room of 20 years of binders, papers, discs and other things that have been in storage and to put aside those tubs of binders and records that need to be stored for another 7 years. We still have to fill tubs with binders for this year and carry those down into the storage room with the other stacks of tubs and binders and that can't be done until my assistant and I have made sure that all filing has been handled and those records that the board will have to protect for the next 7 years are safe guarded, too. Monday is the only day we can finish up that part of it.
Saturday is a family outing for my families that registered in time for a seat that no one can take my place to accompany. Sunday is a closing service followed by lunch and surprises that both my assistant and I will be hosting for families and program volunteers so that they can say goodbye. Yes, I scheduled all this and needed to do it because we must also spend donor's money for our purposes before my retirement date.
Monday, a few volunteers will be coming starting at 7:30 a.m. to haul what I couldn't give away and trash to a dumpster that can't be delivered until Monday. Monday afternoon, attorneys, accountant, board president and the director and board president will all meet to sign papers, make various transfers with me present. Following that financials will be run and copied for the board with all my statistics since January and all donor information and all pertinent information for paying final bills and distributing cash assets plus the books will need to be prepared by my assistant and proofed by and distributed by me who is also responsible for all day-to-day operations.
Then, after all is finished, a program volunteer and board member will load boxes of books, resource materials, personal items, an air mattress, pillows, blankets, towels and a special painting for me into his car and drive me home to unload it all. I will take the rest of next week to put it away.
I have gone to the office and to the van hoping little elves would have come in the night and done a lot of this for me and darn it, that only happens in fairytales.
But gosh, it sure feels good to have both of you there with encouragement, hugs and your care. (((elcee and bud)))
What a loving post. Time is running out but I want you to look at what the future holds for you. The peace and rest you will need in the weeks to come. I think in the end all who really know you understand and hopefully the hugs and kisses and goodbyes will ring through with happiness on what a great time it was.
(((( hugs )))) sister.......your the best!!!
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Betty and Cathy: Thank you. I know I've been very active of late on the board and it helps me do what I need to do and truly want to do both personally and professionally. I don't want to leave anybody in a mess. I just didn't get the help that was promised and I'm trying to make the best of it for now. Fortunately, by Monday evening, this will all have passed.
Well... I have to say I'm a little disappointed. I was hoping this would open to pictures of 3 cute dogs that would be your pets and I would hear all about them. OK OK... I know I can depend on Debilyn for that. But think about it... have you hugged a dog today? I know that always helps me be less crabby which is why I think it's time I get another dog.
You're doing fine, grateful. I'm sure you must be feeling overworked and overwhelmed as you close this chapter in your life. It sounds like you hardly have time to feel the feelings about it because there's so much physical and mental work around bringing it too a conclusion. Tuesday isn't so far off now. Maybe ask for more help from others?
So you had a God/hp moment. I love when those happen. Two taps one on one shoulder from your Dad and a tap on the other shoulder from your friend telling you, hey ya know what... you're ok as far as we're concerned. I'm sure you'll hold that close to your heart for a long time.
Hope the rest of the week goes well for you. I'm still a little sorry this post didn't have pics of 3 cute dogs but I'll get over it. :) ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
This is moving and meaningful to read as I face my own transitions in life...work and personal. Stay serene as much as possible. I hear grace in your post.
For TT: I hope you like the new avatar. I picked it especially for you.
For PC: Hopefully, I will be rested and ready to be present to you if you need to be a Crabby Appleton yourself in the next coming days. Give me until Tuesday though.
OOOOOOOHHHHHH!!! I love them!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Let's call them awareness, action and acceptance. You're such a sweetie. You really made my day. Nice group hug! TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Ahhhhh, Kenny: I get it. I get it. I get it. I don't envy you at all! And .... it won't be long before you'll be enjoying your new special place and special spot with your son, too.
I've often taken on more than I can handle in the past - and I've got through it and it has all turned out ok in the end. But I know that I have been Ms Crabby Apleton's sister at those times and it rather spoiled the fun!
This is such an awesome time for you, and what an awesome schedule! Sometimes I think we need Ms Crabby Apleton's crabbiness to keep us pushing through! But I get a sense that you will do it well and that your generosity will bring you rewards as well. I'm also loving the idea of those doors opening next week and lots of sunshine and light pouring through, all wrapped up with lots of tumbling fun as well.
Some time we have to be reminded and that others give the testimony. Acknowledge and accept without condition that is love and self love is love. I haven't every met anyone who did change automatically as if they did it everyday all day. Change is difficult especially if the habit is in trenched mind, body, spirit and emotions and one of the definitions of amends is change. Apology for me at times is much easier to do. Patience is big in my tool box..when I carry that one the frustration is less and less. Congratulations of the retirement although I know you know that retirement is often a short vacation for givers. ((((hugs))))
I love you and actually feel a bit comforted to hear that you can be human and crabby. Progress, not perfection, right?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
What a sweet post grateful-- and a nice message from friend, Dad and HP as you came across those notes. Major transitions have a lot that go along with them. You know we are all here with you, Crabby (not!).
I hope Friday go's a little better for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I have the a little anxiety this morning myself. I don't want to go to work, my arm is killing me and I have so much to do I'm in a tizzy. I can only be grateful it's Friday and will have a couple of days off.
So let's try and have a good day sister HUGS
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Good morning Grateful...I tried to respond last eve and my internet went down. I love you just the way you are, crabby( your description, not mine) and holy
-- Edited by PP on Friday 27th of June 2014 07:31:18 AM
Please be kind to yourself- this is not an easy transition on so many levels. If it is helpful- make lists, delegate, find help for parts that become too overwhelming breathe softness into the tension, practice HALT. Thank you for sharing.
) and holy