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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Just because the A is aggravated with me, doesn't make it my fault nor does it require me to be defensive or hurt.
Post Info TOPIC: Just because the A is aggravated with me, doesn't make it my fault nor does it require me to be defensive or hurt.
sadsusie


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Just because the A is aggravated with me, doesn't make it my fault nor does it require me to be defensive or hurt.
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I have found it much easier to deal with my AH now that we live separately. God bless us, we sure do still love each other, and I pray that we make it through. None-the-less He is hard to live with. He certainly brings a HUGE energy into the room, whether it is for the good or for the bad. That is one of the things about him that makes him really special. 

I was on the phone with him this morning, and let me tell you I am groggy for at least 30 minutes! lol He on the other hand wakes up like a rocket and had already been awake for hours. (I believe he has even been sober). Well he was obviously becoming aggravated with me....for whatever reason. Luckily I have my own space of peace to reflect on our conversations and behaviors, and I am much less likely to get sucked into his whirlwind. This really helped me to clarify that HIS feeling and emotions are HIS and his alone. Just because he gets mad or sad or aggravated does NOT mean that 1. I caused it...It could just be because his futbol team missed a goal. 2. It does not mean that it is my FAULT...maybe his IS aggravated with me..because I it takes me a few minutes to process things in the morning. But that is just ME - deal with it or don't talk to me right now. I began to get defensive and then realized that we could just nicely end the conversation.  3. I may just be at the end of his rant. He may just be aggravated with something else and is creating drama with me so that he can spread his energy around. But that doesn't mean that I have to receive it. That reminds me of the analogy with the TUG OF WAR rope, no one is making me pull back. 

I am looking forward to going to some counseling. For myself alone (which I have already scheduled) and for the pair of us, which I am completely leaving in his hands. If HE wants to get better, if HE wants us to get better - he will have to make some effort. 

 



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Many Blessings,

"Sweet Susie"

 BEFORE-YOU-JUDGE-ME.jpgim in charge and I'm happypeople bring you down, you are above themresponsibilty for your energy
karma13


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I love your clarity on the fact that his feelings are his * nice work taking care of you :)

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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive 
pinkchip


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I like this post. It reminds me of JADE and that "you don't have to attend every argument you are invited to." I would caution about attending marital therapy with someone who has not attained any sobriety. It has dismal success rates as addicts only do the blame game.

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milkwood


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I really like the way you are handling this Sadsusie!

I had a lovely moment this week - as I walked away from some hurtful words that AH was spouting I realised that I really did not mind, or have any responsibility for, whether or not he liked me! Well that was a load off!!

AH and I tried marriage counselling while AH was still drinking - in my experience it was painful! If we do it again I will insist that the counsellor has specialist training in alcoholism and its effects.

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grateful2be


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Loved this thread and all the responses. Thanks, Susie.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
SerenityRUS


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pinkchip wrote:

I like this post. It reminds me of JADE and that "you don't have to attend every argument you are invited to." I would caution about attending marital therapy with someone who has not attained any sobriety. It has dismal success rates as addicts only do the blame game.

I ditto what Pink is expressing .. I have asked my children and their therapist if their dad should be coming to the appointments I received an NO on all fronts the biggest reason the therapist gave and my 15 year old echoed it .. why would he come when as we all know .. he can't tell the truth and he doesn't want to deal with the past issues.  The therapist said to me .. if he's still behaving like a drunk then there is no point .. until he gets honest and really starts a program of recovery it will be time .. right now .. it's not the time. 

So .. I leave it in God's hands and allow God to work behind the scenes and take care of what needs to be taken care of .. in the meanwhile .. I take care of me and the kids address their emotional issues. 

Hugs S :)  



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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

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Mirandac


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I tried marriage counseling it failed after 3 visits he did not
Like being called on his behaviors. One time with me,one time with him
And then twice together. It was a mild reprimand
He turned it into a big one. She said he treated me condesending
After a little experiment(communication)she said here
Is a piece of paper for you both to read. Decide which one of you return to me.
We both read it and he grabbed it from my hand
And returned it with no communication from me.
He said he is use to be in charge at work so that is that.
He would not return, so i guess he really was not interested
In marriage counseling. And he has been dry for a long time.


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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Just because the A is aggravated with me, doesn't make it my fault nor does it require me to be defensive or hurt.