The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He finally answered my call I debated on wether to call him since he wasn't tryin to even get in touch with me ,I started right off fussing at him ,he is of few words lately I told him I was tired of his bs and he said why I told him the way he was actin weird he said he was feeling weird that he was dizzy he dont make any sense he has no home he is homeless tells me when I ask him where he is liveing he just says here and there,he is acting like a totally different man,I can say I can just end it he says calmly ,ok,like he dont care what I do as long as I leave him alone,I've got his clothes and coffee pot at my home ,I don't know what to say to him. I want to talk to him soo bad without fussing at him. I don't know what to say????? Plz what am I doing???? He has. been really good to me if I ask him to do something He does it like mow my yard or pick up something I need ,but I want to Talk to him with out attacking him soon as he picks up the phone or I see him which makes him hang up the phone lots of times or walk away .i don't want that I want him to talk to me and me talk to him but what do I say to him when he Answers the ph. Or comes to my house??? Plz I do need esh........thanx looking up
Looking up, I'm so sorry that you are in such pain and distress. After calling your BF, it sounds as if you are still confused and not happy.
I'm not quite sure what you want him to say and I am not clear on what you want to say to him. It might be wise for you to detach and write out what you would like to say to him and what you would like to accomplish in the conversation. You could post it here and then people might be able to offer you some suggestions.
Please remember you are still with your children and it is wise to attempt to be in the moment and in the day and enjoy the gift of the sweet lives while they are with you. You have time enough to negotiate your relationship when you get home.
Say the serenity prayer, try to get some clarity by writing your thoughts out and then come back and share them as best you can.
Ty Betty,this is why I'm keeping all my thoughts concerning my relationship here on this board where I feel safe and it's safer,when I sign out of here I also try and leave my relationship with my a bf here to.
It sounds like you are hoping for something from him which he is not giving? And that is the story of alcoholics. That's why we call it "going to the hardware store for bread."
Sometimes when I got in touch with my ex, it was because I was lonely and I had that craving. It must be the same craving alcoholics have to go back into that bar. I thought a little bit would be better than none at all, and that "I could handle it." It just put me in more misery.
And sometimes the yearning for him was a distraction so I didn't have to face my inner turmoil.
It never did me any good to get in contact again. It always led to unhappiness. But I kept on touching that stove to make sure it was hot. Ouch. Ouch!
My experience was much like Mattie's. I was looking for validation from someone who seemed even more confused and lost than I was. I think that was the initial attraction that even though i wasn't an alcoholic we understood one another's unhealed wounds. It's different now in recovery with working the steps, a sponsor, a spiritual relationship with a higher power and getting to the Alanon meetings. "I came, I came to, I came to believe" My sanity (most days ) and self worth are there.
I had all my ex's things packed and sitting by the door so it would be as quick as possible. I cried the whole time while I gathered his stuff before he got there but it helped to have it happen quicker.
Also my higher power did something for me that I would not have thought to do for myself. My sponsor was there with me for an unrelated reason. She was helping me to learn a computer software app that day at my house the same day. Maybe someone can be there in support of you too. Your higher power already is. A litte prayer for strength and detachment before he comes may help. (((hugs)))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I've noticed that when I just sit in silence in beautiful places like near a garden or a body of water, confusion and angst melt away and I am calm and at peace then. I've also learned that if I write everything that is troubling me on paper and then put it in a makeshift boat and let it float away from me, I am more able to deal with what is mine to do in real time, rather than past or future. Prayers for the blessings of clarity, peace, and strength for you as you make necessary changes you have decided are right for you now.
I find that the less said the sooner mended. I can rack my brain forever trying to understand alcoholic behavior and rationalize it. It's a waste of time...I try instead to keep the focus on myself and my recovery, be as kind as humanly possible to others but still keep my boundaries intact, I have learned A's don't take criticism well. If put on the spot they can possibly become defensive. If I feel I absolutely have to say something to them about their behavior, I can use I statements, stating how I feel about their behavior. Keeping in mind they may still be defensive and detaching from the outcome. Before I decide to talk to them about their behavior, I decide if this is something I can talk out with a program person or my sponsor instead of talking to the A about it. Sometimes it helps me to get it off my chest to talk to a program friend, and I don't even need to bring it up to the A I am dealing with. I also love what grateful2be said, going somewhere beautiful and just being..quiet..I'll find the answers there. Hp speaks there. Prayers for your peace and serenity :)
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
When you asked him to not sell meth from your house did he do that? Not give you STDs? Not bring drugs into your house...to sober up...To pay his way. It does seem like you are almost stalking someone that you now forget had all of those behaviors that were absolutely unacceptable to you by your own posts. He somehow changed from all the above to a great guy that mows your lawn and not a drug dealing, cheating, financially irresponsible, addict.
Loneliness and relationship dependency stink. It used to be that I literally could not go a month without a boyfriend and that had me in the position of ignoring red flags, minimizing them, and justifying them. The answers have NOTHING to do with him. IT has EVERYTHING to do with you. Through actually going to alanon, participating, getting a sponsor, working the steps, building a better support network, and relationship with your HP, you wont be so addicted to the addict. It's time for YOU to change because, if you don't, you will suffer for years and years trying to turn guys that are zeros into heroes rather than be centered, complete, and feel good about yourself whether in a relationship or not.
Amen to everything Pink Chip said...I was a love addict for forty years, my picker was broken and I picked fixer uppers again and again. This fed my addiction, and built up my ego. Now that I come from a place of wanting and not needing another person, I have choices on how I allow others to treat me. The harder I worked my program the more my relationship changed. This is just my experience, but for me my relationship with my husband is a lot better. He changed and I changed. He can be a part of my life, but he can't be my whole life now.
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
) and self worth are there.