The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My sister was married last Thursday and it was beautiful. I had so much built up anxiety about it because of my strained relationship with her and our parents. A huge thunderstorm rolled in just as the ceremony began. She was married on a covered deck so it was very dramatic. Everyone was filled with excitement and my mother looked at me and we shared a smile. It was nice. The reception was held in the same building and I felt like I was vibrating I was so happy. Everyone was sort of mingling and we had our family pictures done with the bride and groom. The new couple was announced and everyone was beginning to line up to the buffet according to table. My sister was sitting at her table and I was chatting with my aunt who I haven't seen in 12 or 15 years. It was so nice and everything was so beautiful and I looked at her and she was so beautiful. So, I went over to tell her how beautiful she was and how everything was decorated so wonderfully. Before I could say anything she said 'hey, actually I'm going to be coming around to everyone to talk to them.' I said jokingly, 'oh, so you want me to go away then? haha' and they both looked at me and said yes. I was so crushed. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach but I went back to my seat next to my husband trying not to cry. I sat there trying to gather my thoughts so they didn't spiral out while I watched her talking to other people at her table and hugging people. I couldn't keep the tears back so I decided it would be best for me to leave so that I wouldn't attract any attention or have people asking me 'what's wrong'. I didn't start actually crying until I made it downstairs away from the crowd.
I'm not sure what my next move is with her. This distance between me and my sister is unbearable. I don't understand why she would do that to me. There really was no good reason for her to be so rude to me. I'm not sure if she realizes how that hurt me. I'm scared to even try to talk to her about it because I don't want to find out that she just doesn't care.
Good job taking care of yourself at the wedding :) If this were me, I would take some time away from the situation and do some self care. Go to meetings, reach out to my local alanon family, share with them how I felt at the wedding, and do some self nurturing...maybe go get a massage if I could afford it, go somewhere I like to eat, watch a movie, read a book..spend time with my husband or someone else who loves me and appreciates me......do some me time. I would maybe journal about the incident, pray and meditate. Get quiet so I could hear my hp's wisdom. I will never understand why some people behave the way they do, and I try to waste as little time anymore trying to figure other people out..their motives..why? who knows..only hp knows and I do my best to leave it with my hp and not take other peoples behaviors personally.
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
I can only think of a couple of ways to not take it so personally. And I only suggest that so it helps you detach and not be so hurt.
I think sometimes people get so anxious and worried about pulling off a wedding that they have it literally scripted to the point of "now is the time when we do this and later is the time we address all our guests." Yes, it should not be so formal with family and it's not a good excuse to be dismissed but it might not have been a totally purposeful slight.
Sometimes, even when it probably is a purposeful slight, I choose not to view it that way or not to care so much because that will just bring me down. I didn't have that ability or skill prior to the 12 step program.
I know this is your life and nothing makes growing apart from your sister particularly palatable or easy. You do have some control over how you process it and how much you let it affect you and in what ways.
The important thing to me is that YOU were there in loving support of her, had a good time, visited with relatives and did the right thing by her in wanting to tell her how beautiful she looked. Her behavior is on her. Yours is on you and I think you did a great job of being a loving sister. Can't get better than that! (((SGL)))
Some people are rude and bitter and hold grudges and wait for the next chance to hurt, hurt people hurt people. I think you handled yourself well, in terms of taking care of yourself in the moment. I like what karma said about not even wasting your serenity on trying to work out her motives, only her hp knows, its more to do with her than you and you can choose to let or not let people into your mind. Its not easy but its powerful especially when you know that the person is sick and its their sickness talking and behaving badly.x
Thank you for the feedback guys. It's so helpful to have somewhere to talk about these things. I didn't look at leaving the reception as self care but it was. I am happy with myself for doing that. Thanks for pointing it out.
