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Hi all, sorry in advance if this is a little long.
I'm new to Al-Anon. I've been married to my A for 20 years (as of last week), unhappily for at least the last 6 or so. He's been active on and off for most of our marriage, but fully active for the last couple of years. He's what you might call a "functional" A (though I know there isn't such a thing, not really)--he works, is a good provider, good father some of the time, not fall-down-drunk, not violent, etc. But, he has a few drinks most days and in the last 60 days has been visibly drunk (to my eyes at least) 20 times. Not as bad as some, I know, but bad enough. He's also smart, funny, loving, depressive, manipulative, a compulsive spender, sexually compulsive, the child of an A mother.
So...I want to end this relationship. I know I need to for my happiness, health, and sanity, and for our sons (13 and 10), who aren't learning good lessons from us.
And yet...I don't want to hurt my husband. We've been together since we were 17. He loves me. After many years of trying to "fix" everything in our lives and pretending everything was okay, I've been open with him for the past 6 months about how his moods, his withdrawals, his drinking have affected me. He gets very angry when I bring up these feelings; then he turns very sweet and sad; and then he acts as if the big talks never happened. Like everything's fine. He stops drinking when I ask him to, but always starts again. Again, like there's nothing wrong. Sometimes, he's such a great guy I feel like all these problems are some figment of my imagination. I look at our comfortable life, our kids, and think, "How can I imagine breaking this up? How could I do that to the boys?" And then I spend a night awake, breathing in his fumes, crushing myself to the edge of the bed so he doesn't touch me, listening to him curse me in his sleep, and I think..."How can I imagine staying with this for another 20, or 40 years? And why would I do that to the boys?"
I'm trying to gather the strength to tell him it's over, but I can't quite get there. What words do I use? How do I handle the anger and hurt and guilt afterwards?
I keep waiting for something to happen that will push me over the edge, something catastrophic that will somehow prove that I'm not insane, that I'm "right" to be unhappy and to end my marriage (yes...I know that's a way of refusing to be responsible for my own decisions).
NL Welcome to MIP alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. AA is a recovery program that helps alcoholic and because living with the disease of alcoholism negatively affects all who live in the environment Al-Anon is a fellowship that was founded to offer not only the support but powerful recovery tools to live by. I so understand where you are and how you are feeling because I've been there myself. That is when I walked in the doors of Al-Anon determined to use these tools to save myself.
Al-Anon suggests that we don't make every any major life changes of the first six months in program. The reason for this is that once we are in the program and using the tools were able to reclaim our self-esteem, I self-worth and to understand what we really need and want. The program tools also enable us to get and achieve these goals.
So for now I would urge you to continue going to Al-Anon meetings use the slogans grow and keep coming back here you are worth it
I went to Al-Anon meetings for two years before deciding that I needed, and was ready, to separate from my AH of almost 30 years. I'm glad I waited. Going to meetings, getting a Sponsor, working the steps and putting my trust in my HP all helped me to come to a decision that was right for me. I also suggest the book, "Getting Them Sober, Vol. 4." Sending you lots of ESH right now as you work on taking care of you.
GE
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Tuesday 24th of June 2014 11:04:03 PM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Tuesday 24th of June 2014 11:04:29 PM
Hi and welcome to MIP- you're in the right place. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that can only be arrested by abstinence and hard inner work that would come by working a 12 step program. If left to continue, it ends in insanity or death and touches everyone in contact. Alanon provides new perspectives, skills, and support to live our lives to the fullest. I was encouraged to attend meetings for 6 months to a year prior to making any major decisions and, in turn, I recommend this to others.
I relate to your post and understand. I did attend a few Alanon meetings, didn't think it was for me, left my now exAH. It was anything but easy and took more than one attempt. I returned to Alanon, because I realized that it was the only place I could go for help. I can't say that things would have rolled out the same way had I attended Alanon and worked a strong program. I am where I'm supposed to be and I am grateful. In my face-to-face meetings, there are those who stay married and be happy with their choice. Please read all you can about alcoholism, attend meetings, grab a sponsor and start working the steps- you'll gain the confidence, wisdom, and support to arrive at a decision that is best for you.
I'm glad you have found us. Here's something that's helpful to realize. Many alcoholics never achieve longterm sobriety, but also many do. The ones who do, do so precisely because their drinking has caused them pain, grief and serious damage to their lives, and they realized it. They weren't protected from it. So if your husband's drinking is bad enough (and it obviously is, because of what you've described and because you're contemplating splitting up), it would be doing him a terrible disservice to protect him from the pain and grief. It would keep him from facing the very real effects of his compulsion. Alcoholism damages lives and breaks up families, and that's the truth. No alcoholic should be shielded from this because why should they be shielded from the one thing they can do to turn their lives around?
It's true that we can't force them to go into recovery. And we can't force them to realize how damaging their drinking has become. (If we could force them, we'd have found a way by now!) But we can leave the truth clear to them, by getting out of the way of their feeling the consequences. That is the kindest thing we can do to them: to do the most important thing that leaves them free to choose recovery.
I may detect something in your post that reminds me of what I went through when I was in a very similar situation. I felt guilty for not putting up with more. "Maybe I should be more patient ... we do have some good times ... am I just too picky? Have I not tried hard enough? Am I giving up on someone who needs help?" In my case part of this was that I had lost perspective on what a normal relationship and normal drinking looks like. I worried that I had overestimated the problem, when actually I was underestimating it. Another part of it was my own fear and grief about ending the relationship. It diguised itself as worry for him, when really I was just in so much emotional turmoil that it was hard to move into the future.
What I actually did was that I was on a trip and I emailed my AH -- because I could choose what to say carefully and we wouldn't get into a fight. I wrote something like, "You know I believe that your drinking is excessive and harmful, and I can't stay together any more. After I get back I'd like you to move out." He answered, "I thought you might say something like that." I did have a horrible day in which I cried a lot and began to think I'd made a terrible mistake, but my friends talked me down, and he moved out, and I thought I would feel horrible but instead I felt an enormous sense of peace and relief.
I should say that before this I had given him about eight ultimatums (which I did not have my own recovery enough to follow through on) and he had pleaded with me each time that his drinking wasn't bad but he would quit it anyway. He started AA a few times, and went through a formal recovery program once. Each of those ended with him relapsing, and prolonged the whole ordeal by about four years. If I had to do it all over again, I'd separate first and then let him enter a program of recovery and get sober for two years, and then take him back. (He never did stick with recovery, but I mean that I wouldn't take him back unless he had two years of sober recovery under his belt.)
Welcome. There is so much of your post that I can relate to. I remember the last year of my marriage waiting for that big catastrophic THING that would happen to justify my leaving a 20+ yr marriage. Much of the patterns you describe were ones I was living with also. It got to the point that I was searching through my H's wallet, email, phone for anything that would tell me it was time to leave. Guess what? Sometimes I found things and my instinct was to then try and manage whatever I found. Most of all though, one morning I recognized myself rifling through all of his things and that was a huge sign for me that I had to make some changes. I was not intended to be someone who would maniacally go through anyone else's personal things, justified or not.
The greatest help to me has been coming to this site, going to meetings, getting a sponsor and working a strong Alanon program. I knew when it was time for me to leave the marriage, and at that point had been married nearly 23 years, so I do understand how difficult it is when you have been in a long marriage. I also have children and my thinking went from worrying over whether I was breaking up our family to worrying over what I was teaching them by staying in this.
You are not alone. We have all lived with or are living with what you described. Coming here is a great step in doing something for your own self--keep coming back.
Thank you all SO much for your kind, thoughtful, and wise words. Living with an alcoholic must be one of the most isolating feelings in the world and it helps so much to talk to and hear from others in the same leaky boat. I did go to a face-to-face meeting yesterday and will continue to attend meetings. I know it will help. Thought right now my AH is in such denial I have to go during the day, when he doesn't know. But, no matter--it's for me, not him, that I'll go.
Many of the things you've written have resonated with me. This:
"But we can leave the truth clear to them, by getting out of the way of their feeling the consequences. That is the kindest thing we can do to them: to do the most important thing that leaves them free to choose recovery."
You know, I hadn't really thought of it this way. Yes, any change I make, any disharmony I create (even to the point of ending the marriage), will ultimately help him face his problem, and maybe arrest the momentum of slipping deeper and deeper into this addiction. It would be a kind move.
And this:
"I felt guilty for not putting up with more. "Maybe I should be more patient ... we do have some good times ... am I just too picky? Have I not tried hard enough? Am I giving up on someone who needs help?" In my case part of this was that I had lost perspective on what a normal relationship and normal drinking looks like. I worried that I had overestimated the problem, when actually I was underestimating it. Another part of it was my own fear and grief about ending the relationship. It diguised itself as worry for him, when really I was just in so much emotional turmoil that it was hard to move into the future."
Yes. When I tell my therapist about his behaviors and defend and minimize them, she always pulls me up short and points out that I'm actually dealing with a lot. I'm underestimating, not overestimating. I grew up in an alcoholic family, so this is normal to me. But, really, IT'S NOT NORMAL. And, yes, I'm focusing on his pain, worrying about what will happen to him, and not about myself or my kids enough.
And this:
"I also have children and my thinking went from worrying over whether I was breaking up our family to worrying over what I was teaching them by staying in this."
--Yep. Yep. Yep.
Thank you all, again. And good luck to all of you.
Al-Anon helps you take the focus of them, put it on yourself so you can figure out what it is you really want to do. I didn't have to leave mine, he was always leaving me in dramatic fashion, big blow-out type scenes, spinning his tires in the gravel so that everyone knew he was leaving; left me twice every year, coincidentally timed to coincide with spring and fall hunting seasons...... What stumbling into Al-Anon did for me was help me keep him away, to see it for what it was, that letting him return with nothing different would only lather rinse and repeat the past events - and I didn't want to live that way anymore, we'd only been together two years but it was enough.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
You have already had great ESH .. I wanted to say welcome .. I guess a cautionary tale .. just because you decide to change your behavior doesn't mean he will as well .. now he might and that's a wonderful thing .. to find sobriety, work a program of recovery .. there is never a time he will ever be "cured" .. he may take a deeper slide into his disease .. there are 3 ways out of recovery .. recovery, institutionalization, or a body bag .. those are the hard truths of addiction.
Mine really left me no other choice, there was a 4th party involved outside of the bottle and I just for whatever reason that is the biggest sin of all for me. So we agreed he would leave .. LOL .. I only laugh because to hear him tell it .. we are the BEST of friends and everything is great now .. we went to counseling .. it just didn't work out .. obviously .. he still is having his affair with the bottle .. ironically the other woman is now gone.
I think in terms of taking him back my children weighed on me .. they actually asked me not to take him back at one point .. now they are grateful he's out. It is much easier to cope in our little family.
I watch my STBAX slide into the oblivion that is his life .. it is sad .. I can't stop him from sliding and I am really staying out of it as much as possible. I was 1 year into the program before the decision had to be made .. and looking back it HAD to be made.
Hugs and best of luck .. do keep coming back, S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I waited until it was so bad that I felt I had no choice, all the damage was done. I wouldnt recommend it, however, maybe thats when we all leave. I left with only clothing for me and my 2 sons, went to a furnished flat and that was that, I never went back to live with him, it took me another couple of years to actually end the relationship and the codependancy. I have heard of some people getting things in order first, saving, planning etc. I just up and went, impulsive and panicky, quite scary but also liberating. I enjoyed having no material possessions, another scary but liberating experience, I look back and I think wow, that took some guts and a complete lack of thought for me or my family but leaving and getting alanon in my life has been the best thing that ever happened to me and my family, including my ex, who is sober and I aa now. I dont think I would ever have left with the planning type of thing, I was planning to leave for years, had all sorts of schemes up my sleeve, it took crisis point and feeling there was no other option, I left him with the house and furniture because my daughter refused to leave her dad but I did have my career and that allowed me my freedom, I could afford to go it alone, just. My higher power helped out too, whilst having no furniture etc, I got a lovely letter with a cheque from an uncle I never met who had died, right out of the blue. Amazing, so I have another home and furniture, I believe that was my hp.
Hi NL I relate to everything in your post except my 2 kids are younger. I too have been waiting for something "big" to happen as it would make the decision easy and not my fault, I've realized there isn't going to be an easy decision big things have happened and I too minimize it saying it wasn't that bad and when sober he is ok to be around and a good playmate for the kids. It is very isolating hugs!
