The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH left Sunday night after he asked if he could go on a four wheeler ride. I knew it sounded like a bad idea but I said yes anyways because he was already out and would have done it if I had said no anyways. Well I asked him to be back in an hour-hour and 30 mins since I needed to go to the store and get OTC pain meds for sprained ankle I got the day before (Saturday). Well of course he started drinking while he was gone and didn't come back so I had my parent's bring me the truck (since he left on the wheeler). He sent me a text this morning asking to come back home. I would please like opinions on whether he should be allowed to come back. I know it's up to me but I have a hard time accepting that he can't help that he chooses to drink sometimes and I know that sometimes I am too hard on him because he's not changing yesterday. PLEASE ANY HELP?!
I have been in a similar situation in the past. Going "out" on the fourwheeler was destined to a few drinks somewhere.
My question for you is what are your boundaries that you have set and what were the consequences when it was broken.
If nothing changes then nothing changes. I had to learn to set boundaries and establish consequences.
When speaking I also had to learn to say what I mean and mean what I say without saying it mean.
I found those words I needed to say after I had time to thoughtfully process the situation.
I see you doing just that. Sending you courage and support.
M
I understand that panic deramum. I dont think anyone can make this decision for you. Are you considering ending your relationship from this point on? I think you cant control another person and the trying hurts us. He did a typical thing alcoholics do, not follow througn on what they say they will do, break promises, lie, tell you anything they think you want to hear. This is it unless he gets into aa. He is not helpless over the disease, he can choose recovery.
Alanon is not about accepting any old rubbish and blame it on alcoholism, its the exact opposite, its about empowering you to take responsibility for your own life only, your not his mother. You have your own life to lead, if he chooses to drink then thats his choice as an adult, you cant stop it but you can get some help for yourself, from the effects the disease has on you. When you break free from the disease you will think clearer and you will know what to do that is best for you.
By him asking what he can and cant do, he is putting all of his responsibility back on you. He's a grown man, he can make his own decisions on whether to four wheel, drink, or come home. You also have choices, but no one here can make them for you. Your personal power lies within. Usually when I set a boundary I say it once and then follow it up with a action, the next time it happens. Listen to your inner voice..intuition...your hp what are you urged to do for yourself in this situation? In your situation I would get to some meetings, nurture myself, spend some time doing things I like to do and totally get the focus off of him. You don't have to make a decision today whether to have him back or not, you can say I'll have to think about that...get back to me later? or I need some time...Choices and hope :) The program offers both..
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
I would start by attending meetings. Next, read, read, read. The Dilemma of an Alcoholic Marriage is a great book and very helpful. I agree with setting boundaries. Remember: Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it meanly.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Thank you everyone. I understand that the decision is mine on whether he comes back or not. I don't want our new marriage to end and I did marry him even though I knew he was an alcoholic and new in recovery. Without this forum I would be completely insane. There aren't any meetings near me anymore (or that are posted anyways)
I wish there were meetings closer. There used to be one and I never went and that was months if not years ago. I look every week to see if I can find one but the closest one is at least 30 mins away and at night doesn't really work for me.
Maybe you could contact the WSO of Al-Anon and find out if there is a way you might try one in your area? Hospitals are often open to letting you use a room in their building and churches are, too. Maybe this is one of those "Let it Begin With Me" opportunities?
One solution for me was don't be without a vehicle if I needed to take care of my needs. One of my other needs was to be around others who knew about living with alcoholism and not let it sweep their lives into the trash. Another was learning all of the different facets of "Acceptance" such as was mentioned here...If nothing changes...nothing changes. I had to change me while the disease was running and going to continue to run if she didn't do anything about it. I also learned to have compassion and empathy for the alcoholic and for the victims and yes that included me. Truthfully I married my alcoholic/addict wife when I knew something was very wrong. I didn't know it was alcoholism...I knew nothing other than I didn't want to marry her in that condition and did anyway. I walked into the fires of a hell I never thought could exist and then I found Al-Anon. That was 36 years ago and I wouldn't surrender a day of what has happened since for all the money in the world. Keep coming back here with a very open mind and learn as much as you can from the Experience Strengths and Hopes of all of us who have been where you are at now whether it involved a 2 wheeler or 4 wheeler...it's alcoholism a cunning, powerful and baffling disease which affects the mind, body, spirit and emotions of everyone it touches and which can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence. You can get Al-Anon literature thru the AFGWSO.org or Amazon. (((((hugs)))))
I do travel to meetings - several which are across town from where I live and the travel time is about 30 minutes one way. I really needed those meetings especially in the early years of dealing with the disease and its affects on me. There is a meeting about 15 minutes from my home - not my favorite - but I've learned that a meeting is better than no meeting. I trust you will make the decision you think is best for you and still wanted to share my experience of driving to a meeting and being happy to be there once I'm there. Our disease can try to trick us into believing we aren't worth the effort of a drive to a meeting. I've learned to recognize the disease talking in me, too. It took Al-Anon meetings to help me recognize it. It's not just about our As. Its also about us. Keep coming back here, too.
I've learned over the years living with my AH is to take care of myself and to not put too much weight on depending on him for anything. His trip to town to get mushroom soup can turn into a 4 hour "visit" uptown. For me it's just a fact of life now. I used to get really bent out of shape about it - but via Alanon i've learned to accept him and his habits and get my own soup lol! I don't mean to make light of this because it's a hurtful confusing situation. But through Alanon you can learn to take care of yourself, love yourself and forgive your A. If you stay with him is a decision you must make. But remember there is support out there for you.
