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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Finanes
Post Info TOPIC: Finanes
blessed


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Finanes
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Because I am a "math" person; and have been in financial positions most of my career and that stuff just comes natural to me, I have always taken care of the family finances. My AH has always had a good job (in between layoffs) but has provided a good income to the family. Even though I have a budget and print reports that are readily available, he never showed any interest in them; he just left it up to me, and that was fine. For the first several years I stayed at home, homeschooling, just returning to work 2 years ago after no son graduated. 

But as his A progresses, he is spending more $$ outside the budget. Mostly on eating out. His liquor is bought from ATM withdrawals as he thinks I don't know since there isn't a CC reciept. They are really dumb sometimes. But whatever. So, as he has threatened to kick me out, etc. this week he asked for the user name / passwords to the online accts so he can see the finances. I said, "no, not until I talk to the counselor."

My son is going to college in 2 months, and his college fund is in the bank, along with what we need to live.  I don't need his hand in there messing around. He has full access to everything manually with checks or ATM card, and all he has to do is walk in the bank, and can do whatever he wants. But, I am very uncomfortable with him going to the accts online and just screwing around. I handed him the folders with the statements, so there are no secrets. He actually said to me, "I don't trust you." I just laughed & said, "If you were in charge of the $, we would be homeless, or in debt."  I could walk out anytime with everything and he would not even know what I took. But, I am not a dishonest person & answer to God. He hands me his unopened paycheck not even knowing how much he makes. But he doesn't trust me? Please. If I ever ask about buying this or that he will say, "Can we afford it?" 

Either someone is telling him to be sure I am not screwing him, or it is from our last counseling session. We both had to list something of concern and I said, "I don't trust him. He lies all the time." So the projection comes to play, and now he doesn't trust me. Our counselor is a recovered addict/pastor and has said, "I can't have money, I am an addict. My wife takes care of all the finances." So I think he will agree with me, but I am just guessing.

So, this is a question I suppose. Since he really has access to everything anyway, it is overreacting not to give access to the accts online? or do I stand my ground? It has not gotten into an argument, yet. Because I said I would first talk to our counselor, so I have bought some time. And his memory is not what it used to be and he may forget before tomorrow. 

 

 



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pinkchip


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Alcoholism - "I turn myself childlike and dependent and then scream at and berate your for stepping in and controlling me and my life." Sounds like the standard merry-go-round of the addicted marriage.

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blessed


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I don't understand that last post. Can you elaborate? Thanks.



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pinkchip


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I was just stating that much of what you are talking about is standard for the way alcoholics act and the behaviors that they pull for from their spouses. They drink themselves out of coping skills and then demand enabling and others to take control of areas of their life they can't manage. Then they also have a rebellious "I do what I want, when I want" streak that hates the fact that they are so inept at dealing with life and they resent you for doing it for them. I believe the term is "hostile dependency" which is to be dependent on someone and resent them for the fact that you are dependent on them. Teenagers act that way and, not surprisingly, alcoholics often function like teenagers on an emotional level because that is usually when they started drinking and stopped growing in that area. Hence, over time when married to an active alcoholic, you have more and more fights as if you are the parent and they are a kid. In this instance, it almost resembles a child being given allowance and whining and complaining about it.

I empathize with what you are going through. As to whether or not you are "controlling"....Well, your AH has put you in a position of being in control of stuff and is then downing you for doing what he asks. This is the crazy making, merry-go-round stuff that is typical in an alcoholic marriage.

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Debilyn


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I wish I had known to have my own account earlier. I don't believe in sharing loans, money, or anything with an A. they are very sick, I almost lost everything I built up all my life.

He ruined my perfect credit. I would always take most the money and put it in my name only. Especially as they get older and so much sicker.

We have to protect ourselves and our A. I am talking no cars with his name with mine, he has his own.

If he gets mad, oh well. Hs is sick. I have shared this over many years and have had so many thank me for sharing my esh in this area.

Dear one, protect you!!!



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
PP


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I support your actions 100% and they are wise, wise, wise.  Perhaps even accounts that he has NO access to might be considered?  His spending may escalate as the disease progresses...be cautious and prepared.



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Paula
blessed


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Thank you. As he is the main income maker, and we need that income to maintain; it would be hard to have separate accounts as he might spend his paycheck & mine would not cover the bills. 

Our cars are in our own names, as are retirement accounts. Checking and savings are joint. 

I have secured my son's college fund in a different bank altogether so that is secure.

Thank you for your view points and experiences. As this progresses I know I have to protect what I can, as I trust in God for all things. I will adjust as needed.

 

 



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Do the next right thing~

I've never regretted taking the high road. ~
Debilyn


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What I meant hon was set up an account in your name only. I just deposited into it twenty here,hundred there....



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Green Eyes


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When things started to get bad, I opened my own personal account and did not share access with my AH. Also also worked on building my own credit. I thank God that I did this, because years later these decisions saved me a great deal of turmoil in regards to my finances. Wishing you all the best as you work on this challenge.

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Newlife girl


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My honest opinion is you are doing the right thing. My AH and I have always had separate checking accounts. Maybe you should even think about taking a bunch of that money out and put it into a separate account that he has no access to at all. That way you can make sure the college money is left alone. Put his pay checks in the same account as before? Just an idea.
Pinkchip is exactly right in explaining the A behavior. They act like children.



-- Edited by Newlife girl on Wednesday 25th of June 2014 10:44:35 AM

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glad


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My experience has been do not ever ever ever let them make you believe you are controlling or wrong...An A will say or do anything ( not necessarily meaning to) to be able to do what he want (spend money on booz and the bad decisions related to booze, then somehow he could try to say it was all your fault.

LISTEN to your own good judgement!! Even if that part of you that says you love him and want him to be an equal partner....and if you don't show him respect how will he be??

It's all bull until he is sober for a long long time and maybe not even then.

and the fact that he makes the majority of the money has zero to do with it!!

 

 



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