letter from parents to adult alcoholic son - good idea or not? - Al-Anon Family Group

MCALANON · Veteran Member

letter from parents to adult alcoholic son - good idea or not?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I only know of those letters being written when a person has been in rehab and it is part of the program. Most of the parents in my groups - to my knowledge - have not written letters like this. I have discovered that with my son, nothing I do makes any difference with his drinking. It is a compulsion that he knows he has, has been in rehab, etc and continues to drink and doesn't think AA or NA will be help to him even though when he was working both programs in earnest, he was doing well. Maybe other parents have written letters like this? Perhaps they'll come on the board.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, ive been in alanon for just over 2 years, im not an expert but a letter saying you love them sounds fine. The whole damage they have done is a no for me. Ive come to accept it is a disease and they feel really, really bad about themselves, so why add to it? It would more than likely add to their guilt and pain maybe helping them sink further into their disease. Ive gave up judging my son, it was causing more damage. Im more interested in my own wrong doings, the damage ive caused and working towards changing me. If I were you I would take it easy, get to know the philosophy first before making any decisions. Your current thinking is possibly distorted at the moment, it could be a future amends a letter like that.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Depends on what the motive is. Believe me they know all the damage the diseases has caused. The also know how much they hurt those around them. Part of this horrible disease is they feel great guilt.

If it is to hopefully make them see and change, it is a waste of time. Remember we cannot change anyone but ourselves.

If the person is an adult they have the right to do whatever they do, and suffer the consequences of that behavior.

Writing to simply remind them they are loved, with no motives is not going to hurt anything. If one does it for themselves with no expectations that seems healthy.

Their disease is none of our business. If we choose to remain in their lives, then we accept them as is, just like we want to be accepted.

good question!

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn is right. They know the damage the disease has caused. I have written many letters in hopes it would get through to my son. It was a waste of time. I put over 80 grand into my son without any reward.

My son knows I love him and I can only pray this 2 1/2 years in prison will give him time to get his head clear enough to realize what this disease has done to him. I will check back with him in about 8 months.....that should be enough time.

Gaby · Senior Member

I have written letters to my son in rehabs and while he was also living with me and also when he was in sober living homes. What he does know is I will forever love him unconditionally and care for him. The rest he seemed to never speak to me about. That is my share with my adult addict son that is currently homeless and I do not know his where abouts. I am very spiritual person and I have to give my son to god and allow him to carry him through my sons journey. Which I had to except to let go and work on me. Just know you are not alone. And you will get a lot of encouragement . I'll be praying for you and your son.

MCALANON · Veteran Member

ok thank you. Doesn't sound like it's a good idea. I will think it over. Even a letter of love might just make him feel more wretched. thanks.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Will a letter sharing your love for him make you feel more wretched or will it help you gain a little peace? In Alanon, there is a suggestion to say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. I have written my son letters that share the positive things I know about him and all the ways he has blessed my life. I wrote those letters because they helped me express to him the different times I remember that were positive and touching for me. I didn't expect they'd change him or his choices at all, but it was important for me to write them and share my heart for my sake. I found strength within to continue the day to day living with the knowledge I had about my son and the grief I felt by writing the letters I needed to write for me without naming all the ways his disease was damaging him or me. That doesn't mean I didn't speak some of the boundaries I needed to employ in relationship to him or never said how his disease had or was harming me if he was in a place where there were others who could be present to him therapeutically. I just wouldn't put it in letter form because I know my son saves my letters and I wanted him to read only those ways he had blessed my life knowing that the written word is very powerful and I didn't want what could be my last words to him to be anything other than words of blessing.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 24th of June 2014 06:16:23 AM

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