The material presented
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I'm very very very slowly working my way back to f2f meetings..and I understand that going just to meetings won't help me as much as if I go to said meetings, find a sponsor and work the program. That being said..what are some ways I can stop enabling my Qualifier?...before I work on getting a sponsor. I feel so stupid and guilty for allowing this to happen to myself. That I should know better than to allow this to happen! I don't know whether to feel guilty for being manipulated by my Qualifier or angry at myself for having stopped going to f2f meetings all those months ago. I feel so useless when it comes to dealing or not dealing with my Qualifier... I'm angry at myself for not learning to be quiet when others are talking.. it causes the same problems/emotions I feel with my Qualifier to be brought up over & over again... I'm off to go cry now.. thank you for listening.
I think it's important to mention that confrontation isn't my strong point....it scares me just thinking about it much less actually having to speak (aloud a letter I wrote to my Qualifier, when that time comes..). I'm sure that has a big part to do with how I'm feeling (guilty, scared, nervous, unsure, etc) when it comes to dealing with/not dealing with my Qualifier. Thank you for letting me share again.
I have found it very helpful to read both Courage to Change and One Day at a Time in Al-Anon. These are daily readers with seemingly simple messages which I think are often profound. It is like taking a vitamin pill to boost nutrition: extra guidance between meetings and conversations with sponsors. I try to limit myself to the day's page, and it seeps into my thoughts throughout the day. If I binge read it, pffft it's too much. Nothing gets in.
I learned how to stop enabling by recognizing what I was doing was wearing me out and wasn't solving anything. I stopped nagging, lecturing, pleading, doing for my loved ones what they could do for themselves, saying no when I meant no and yes when I meant yes. If I felt resentful about something, I figured out why I was doing what I was doing and stopped doing what was really meant to change another person and started doing what I really wanted to do - going to movies, going to meetings, singing in a choir, finding a new job, hanging out with people who didn't drink and didn't judge me or others who did drink. I basically let my As do what they were going to do once I admitted there was nothing I could do to change them and a lot I could do to make my own life happier and saner.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 23rd of June 2014 03:45:13 PM
At first I just showed up at the meetings when I could. I tried several times to get a sponsor, too early in my program, and I wasn't ready for a sponsor or the steps at that time. I did drop out of alanon for a bit, and tried Coda for a while. I would just drop in once in a while. I wish I would have had someone to tell me to be gentle with myself. I don't have to do recovery perfectly.Just showing up is enough at first. It takes a lot of courage to show up. Hugs and much love~ One day at a time in Alanon
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Hello Phoenixmagicgirl,
(((((Hugs))))) Its good to see you.
I sometimes beat myself up for how I have or have not handled things and I love the way that Alanon very lovingly points out that we do the best we can with what we know at the time. I get the impression from your post that you now know a lot more than you have in the past. For me, when I started to question my own behaviour (and yes, I did beat myself up about it as well!) I realised that I was no longer wanting to give AH everything and anything - it was my first step in raising my head and taking pride in myself - I was learning about setting up my boundaries for the first time in my life. It wasn't always comfortable but it was a very good thing!
When I feel guilty or stupid or angry I tend to undermine myself and in effect end up damaging myself - in fact I have even caught myself thinking 'well if I put myself down before AH gets a chance at least I'll know whats coming.' Crazy isn't it?! So for me my first step is to do things that enhance my self image and to stop myself when I catch myself being harder on myself than I would be on anyone else. I try to be my own best friend and realise that I can forgive myself first.
I visited a monastery a few months ago and on the wall was a list of rules for visitors - halfway down the list it said 'do not ask someone to do something for you that you can do for yourself.' So I've turned that around a bit and my benchmark is 'don't automatically do something for others that they are perfectly able to do for themselves.' (PS that 'automatically' word is there as my get out clause so that I can allow myself to surprise a friend or neighbour if I choose to).
I hope that your tears have cleared the way so that you can give yourself the really loving (((((((hug)))))))) that you deserve.
Phoenix, your doing fine, your willing, thats half the battle, there is hope, youve got a plan, sounds great to me. Go easy on yourself, its very difficult to live with an a, very difficult, even old, old timers can slip back into old habits. Take some time to read your readings, saya wee prayer and ask for help, go to your meetings, get phone numbers from the members and use them when you feel like tbis, they will have you sorted in no time.x
PG: I just thought of an Al-Anon pamphlet that became like my best friend when I was going through this stuff with my son at first. The name of it is "A Merry-go-Round named Denial." It's usually given in our beginner's packets, but if there isn't one in yours, you can access it for free at the WSO Al Anon website, download and print it. It was the single bit of information that I clung to throughout a really hard ride of trying to get off that merry-go-round. Maybe you would find it helpful for you and your question on enabling? I hope so. (((PG)))
PG, from your posts, I don't see you enabling so much. I know the qualifier is your mom. I see your dad enabling and the 3 of you enmeshed and having blurred boundaries. You are being put in the "adult woman of the house" role that was your mom's. You are teaming up with dad and becoming his confidant and support where mom also used to be. Dad is allowing that to happen rather than letting you go find your own life. Stepping out of that whole enmeshed dynamic where you have elements of playing wife to dad and mom to mom is the real brainbuster...just in my honest feedback and eh to you. Your parents are hurting you and you are hurting yourself staying so drawn up in your parent's drama. I know you were all up in it when it was your brother also but now it sounds like your brother is the only one living his own life in a detached way. Keep loving your parents but set yourself free and let go. That is my best suggestion to you for breaking this cycle that has you so upset. It's like you are waiting on mom to get sober before really having your own life apart from your family of origin. That might not happen and that would hurt your mom even worse if you sacrifice your life for her. As a said, some of the over involvement in her marriage and home life demeans her. Why step up and be a grown woman and confidant to dad when you are doing it for her. Enmeshment...not enabling on your part. Not your fault either. You are just trying to be a good daughter. But you are grown and have greater obligations to yourself. Just my opinion based on multiple posts. Sorry if I have it wrong.
karma and Jill and el-cee..thank you.
grateful- That sounds like a very useful tool. Thank you.
pinkchip- I can understand what you're saying. I agree with you on some level..I have taken over the adult woman role of the house.. which at times I don't mind.
My dad and brother do not engage and do for my mom what she can easily do herself..I give in way to easily and so she chose me..It's frustrating at times on my part but I'm very very very slowly learning how to stop this behavior of doing everything for my mom. I am doing the best I can to take care of myself..going to the gym, f2f meetings, going to school to pursue my own career. True I am emeshed in my parents relationship but I can't physically leave home..so I'm doing the best I can to help out my brother & dad around the house doing stuff I enjoy..making dinner, playing with my nephew (he's 2 1/2), doing yardwork outside with my dad etc. My brother goes to AA meetjngs daily. My dad..is doing his own thing and he helps out tremendously..taking over the role of paying bills, buying food, making dinner etc to help out.
I would if I could leave but that isn't an option now..ask me in a few years.. :) I'm doing the best I can..it's not much..but it's a start.
It sounds like you're trying to find balance. Your post is a good example of how alcoholism really is a family disease. Even with your dad going to AA, it doesn't mean that family automatically sheds the behaviors that took place while he/she drank without working on themselves. We can sometimes carry that same behavior over to others even if they aren't the drinker if we just don't know a better way. You feel there's something amiss for you and have awareness and that awareness is causing you to question your time away from Alanon. The meetings and program may bring answers to some of the your questions about the current family dynamics in your house. Alanon shows us how to take care of ourselves situation by situation and be true to ourselves without be uncaring to others. We learn to offer healthy support to others based on our own boundaries of what we feel we can give. With the help of a sponsor and particulary a higher power we can keep moving forward and taking care of ourselves first without guilt for choosing ourselves and our own well being first no matter what other family member choose. It sounds like you have a loving family and that you're loving person too. We just become so accustomed to trying to fix everything when someone has been drinking, we can tend to want to still do that and others we love until we learn through recovery that it's not selfish to live more for ourselves and to allow others to do the same. Thanks for your share and welcome back! TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
