I just passed on a pals 50th B-Day party, am I wrong? - Al-Anon Family Group

Quanttrader · Member

I just passed on a pals 50th B-Day party, am I wrong?

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you actually listened to yourself and was very direct.

Quanttrader · Member

Thanks for the comment, but to be clear, are you saying I did the right thing?

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think anyone should feel bad for not wanting to waste time with someone who is drunk, particularly not when people have made the effort to gather to celebrate their birthday. Pretending to have fun anyway and act as if it's all funny is just enabling really. But only you know what is right for you. I wouldn't have gone either, for what it's worth. My tolerance for drunk people is below zero nowdays.

Quanttrader · Member

Thank you for taking the time to reply. That is the same way I was thinking.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You did what was right for you from what I'm reading here. I had a friend who I loved dearly and her drinking got in the way of us having any kind of genuine conversation. There was no point in me trying to talk with her or be with her when she was "in her cups." Her drinking didn't destroy the care I felt for her, but it did limit what I did with her. If she could carry on a conversation, then I talked with her or went places with her if I drove. When she couldn't communicate, neither could I. I'd rather stay home or do something else. I'm not a very good pretender and pretending to enjoy listening to her slur her words and saying things that made absolutely no sense to me was dishonest and a waste of my time which is also limited.

Quanttrader · Member

I appreciate your point of view, thank you.

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

The way you responded to your friend being too drunk to function for the party, sounds like you keeping your own boundaries and practicing detachment, to me.

-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Sunday 22nd of June 2014 07:35:26 PM

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like you did what was right for you - and there is nothing wrong with that - I might well have done the same thing.

Just in case it is relevant, in my humble opinion, there is also nothing wrong with your wife being upset that a special evening that she was looking forward to was unexpectedly curtailed. I expect that you were disappointed as well. She might have felt rather special in that lovely dress that you so thoughtfully brought for her. I think that I would have been wearing it with pride on the night so I can well imagine myself getting a little pouty about having to go home early - none of us like the pumpkin coach scene in Cinderella that much (In case you can't tell already, I'm a woman!!)

I'm not much into apportioning right and wrong - I'm just wondering how you, your wife and that pretty dress might get to enjoy an evening together?

-- Edited by milkwood on Sunday 22nd of June 2014 10:42:45 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I am just over 5 years sober also. I would have done the same thing. If I showed up and saw him that drunk, I'd probably leave so better to just not go....my take.

Quanttrader · Member

Thanks all, I went with my gut. I do really appreciate the feedback.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey if you were my husband i woulda said ok then where do you want to take me? lol i mean it!i would have been proud of my guy caring about his recovery more than anything.

I hope you told her how nice she looked btw?

Plus if she wanted to go that bad she could have gone on her own. Or maybe you guys could call him and invite him and his wife or to go to dinner together to celebrate. Nothing wrong with that.

AGain I am proud of you. sometimes people do not "get" what an A in recovery has to face and how those boundaries are super important to their program. hugs!

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

There are multitudes of other opportunities in your life to show up and be a friend, and it doesn't have to center around your friend's 50th birthday party while he's smashed.

Good on you listening to your gut and taking care of yourself.

Quanttrader · Member

Well to close the loop, I spoke to him. He just said he was sorry he missed me, and that he had a nice party. Then I told him what actually happened, "you know, when we talked on the phone?". He forgot that part, but he doesn't think he has a problem. Go figure......

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, your friend seems to have a little denial problem going, I'm sure you are familiar. I think you absolutely did the right thing.

Kenny

karma13 · Senior Member

Sounds like you trusted your intuition, which is never wrong. I have to take care of myself first, if I don't feel like spending time with someone who is drinking there is no shame or guilt in that. Good way to take care of yourself:) and keep your boundaries intact

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Now to deal with your wife for being unsympathetic and/or unsupportive of your sobriety.....

THAT is the real question. I suspect this post has more to do with that than the friend. I guess she really wanted to go to that party... Dunno all the dynamics in play there. Hope you guys are able to communicate and resolve it. Being "Furious" over a party being attended or not sounds like other stuff going on in the marriage or with her. It's not that major in the big scheme of life right?

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