how can I be happy when you are in despair? - Al-Anon Family Group

Rusty Angel · Member

how can I be happy when you are in despair?

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Rusty...I am clueless as to what to say so i will send you some gentle hugs.....i can't even imagine how you must feel.....so so sorry....

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think we can be happy when our kids are in such pain. I never am - maybe someone else can be? All I can do is take care of me, ask for guidance and to be a channel of grace/love for my HP and blessings for my child. I still feel the ache, but I can function and work on myself and my own life. When I know I have done all that a human being can do, I also know it is a HP thing and I turn it over for my loved one to work out with his HP and I do the next right thing for me - which is usually to notice I have forgotten AGAIN - to practice HALT and do what I've forgotten to do.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((hugs)))))))
That is so tough, I can't really imagine.
For me there is always a 'best' something in the day - even when it is not great, it is still the best and it helped me to focus on that.
I used to think that my AH was doing a great job of beating himself up with his guilt and self pity, he didn't need me adding to the mix. And I would tell myself that if he came through it all and found recovery, I wanted to be relatively sane and able to enjoy it as well. It might not have been the right thing for everyone, but it helped me to keep my dignity and my chin up. Sending more ((((hugs)))).

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

It helps me to have trust that what is happening could be happening for a reason bigger than my understanding, it could be a step closer towards her surrendering and getting help. She has a higher power and she is probably learning a good few lessons, as harsh as that sounds. In my experience we tend to get what we need to get for a happier future. Looking at this way helps me with my son.x

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Where does alcoholism come into play here? Just wondering.

Rusty Angel · Member

My ex, daughter's father was alcoholic so she grew up in an alcoholic home. Her husband has a long history of heroin addiction, in and out of rehab, she herself showed some struggles with alcohol.....but has gone to AA, ACOA, CODA and has abstained from alcohol for years. So addiction and codependency has been a large part of our lives.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

For me I had to learn to put my kids in my HP's hands. In fact my ex AH too. i actually pictured them in a big warm hand in a fetal position. I taught myself to stop when i was worrying and not go there.

I believe in one day at a time. Do my best each day. Do my work,live my life and rest. I talk to hp a lot, get answers a lot.

My son can get into these moods. It used to hurt me big time. Now i think that is his problem not mine. I just love him and listen. I tell him too, to ask me if I can do anything. My daughter has chosen to not be around me and her brother. yes it killed me a long time. she is pretty damaged from her daddy dying when she was 5. I had to stop reading her fb, I gave up trying to get her to tell me what happened? We were so close then nothing out of nowhere.

now i can be happy. it took awhile.

My son cannot stand knowing I hurt in any way so I do my best not to tell him, or anyone for that matter. My arthritis is so much worse, yet I am doing so much more physically. lol I will say oh had to take a pain pill after building my deck. He will sorta let me know he is concerned, i just say oh it is ok, its my life! I mean that.

I would not want my Mother or anyone I love to not ever be happy cuz i was not. When my husband died, my mother was seeing someone and having such a good time. I was so glad!

I think I am blabbering... lol hugs! and one day at a time!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Rusty Angel, Having a child in confusion and troubled is extremely difficult and as a mother I so understand your pain and sadness. I had to finally accept that I was powerless over anyone else's life but I was not helpless over my own . If I was able to find new tools to live by, I could then respond in a more positive, constructive manner to my troubled son and his life.

I dove into alanon and it worked . I urge you to search out face to face meetings and attend. Breaking the isolation, connecting with those who truly understand and living one day at a time focused on myself opened out a whole new world
Please keep coming back here as well You are not alone

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.