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Whydid I stay with my AH all these years. I don't know. When we first got married I didn't realize that he had a problem with drinking (I grew up in an alcoholic family so alot of the behavior was "normal". Then the kids came along and I didn't want to be alone - though I basically was he was not there either physically or emotionally. So I raised the kids by myself basically. When my AH is sober he is a nice smart man. When he is drunk he is a sarcastic jerk and obnoxious to me. I have taken care of him when he's too drunk to see straight, I've watched him drive drunk, pee in corners of the house, get in fights, pass out etc. We live in a small town where drinking is the "social norm" and the main social event. Everyone knows my AH as he grew up here and just accepts him as he is. My children have suffered because of my decision to stay and the atmosespere was not healthy or normal. And now they have problems of their own. I don't go too many places with him socially anymore because of his drinking. We've gone on vacations and he just wanders off and finds people to drink with and just leaves me alone (often I find him flirting with other women). I have been convinced that I am over-emotional, over-reacative, strange, crazy, just like my mother etc. And I see now that it's been a reaction to his drinkinng. I have been hospitalized with depression on two separate occassions. Now you think I would have taken this as a sign that something needed to be changed. But I'm still here. I've asked and threatened that my AH change his behavior or I was leaving. He told me to hit the road and not let the door hit me in the a**. Why am I still here? Because he's a nice man when he's sober and he does work hard, and I love him. But is it worth the stress and heartache. No. Why don't I leave. I don't know.... "
We were discussing this topic last night at a meeting and I don't know if there is Alanon available in your area .. and I DO understand the issues of a small town and needing to find somewhere safe to share .. that is where it started changing for me.
The subject that came up was the whole issue of my STBAX stating to me (and I heard this from my Dad as well, he was not an A however had other issues) I'm just a simple man and you are sooo complicated .. you complicate everything .. so my response to this statement was .. obviously I had heard it before from my Dad and so it must be true. I started giving up everything that made me .. me .. until there was nothing left to the point that I have to stop and think .. even now .. what is my favorite color .. what kind of food do I like to eat .. what kind of music do I even like.
Now what I see is .. umm .. Mr Simple Man in my case is Mr Simple Minded .. for a simple man .. I've never met someone who's life is so complicated .. I mean we are talking DUI's, affairs with a co-worker (also married), Criminal charges now on his record, fines not paid .. and the list goes on .. does that sound like a simple man to you?? Umm .. it sure doesn't to me. When I was accused of making things complicated .. that was true to a point because I couldn't understand what was happening in my life .. this was not a simple life I was leading. What that really means to me now when I hear that is .. I feel guilty because I know I'm doing things I shouldn't be doing and you asking questions is forcing me to confront my non reality .. so .. you can imagine when a man says to me .. I'm a simple man .. that is a red flag blazing in the winds for me .. I cut and RUN .. because unless you are the Pope or Gandhi trust me .. simple is not happening .. I mean simple as in .. you have no personal possessions and live to give to others those are simple people .. however they are still complicated because people are messy with emotions and so on.
Leave or stay is not an easy answer to come to and it's a VERY personal choice .. I decided to leave because the pain of remaining the same outweighed the pain of leaving. It was still not that simple to make that decision. I saw how it was affecting my children and myself .. even the STBAX .. I didn't know how to continue to function in the world of dysfunction that was going on .. it took me 8 years of going back and forth and it wasn't even the drinking that was the final straw .. it was the cheating that did me in. Ironic if I don't say so myself. I valued myself more over the fact he wasn't present in the relationship .. and I figured Mr Simple could have his simple minded life and deal with the trauma and problems he brought on himself .. it took me a long time to get to the point I was really done and even in the last 2 1/2 years of this awful divorce .. it has only been in the past 1 1/2 years that I fully decided I was really done.
I've been in alanon for 3 years almost 4 now and I'm here to tell you that I was a year into the program when he left .. I will continue to come back here not to focus on HIM .. to focus on ME and learn why I do the things I do.
Keep coming back and I hope you are able to find some peace that you deserve and figure out what it is you want and be able to live a fulfilling life regardless if you stay or go.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Slowlearner: I'm not one who is big on putting myself or others down. So, if what I say to you isn't helpful, please know it is coming from a person who lived with constant putdowns and criticism and did it to myself for years. I, too, believed what you believed and have grown through a lot of it and still work on those issues with my sponsor. My thoughts on your honest share are these: If you learned something of value and received something of value in your marriage, then how can those years have been wasted by you? Only you and your HP truly know the reasons why you're still there. The important thing to me is that you are uncomfortable now with so much of what you endured. To me that's an indication that you are growing and getting ready for some change. Reaching out to us is and has been an action that demonstrates your choice to do something new. To me, that deserves praise. That isn't an easy shift to make and it takes courage to do it.
Oh my goodness, you have just described my life. I dont know why im so surprised I can relate to quite a lot of people but I could have written this word for word, except the last bit, I left my ex a few years ago now. I did the very same thing, he also used sarcasm and ridicule to shame me and keep my self esteem low. Theres no way your there because hes a nice man sober, well partly maybe, its the tangled web thats been growing for years that kept me there, I couldnt see the woods for the trees, it was all overwhelming and I was addicted to him. There is hope as soon as you are ready for happiness, im actually happy, so there is proof. Alanon meetings, they saved me, I got a chair and listened and read and soon talked and learned and hoped and it all began changing for me, its been a brilliant journey and im on my own now, kids are messed up but im setting a good example through my attitude. What do you think, are you ready for change? Or can you take more misery?
Dear slowlearner, I do believe that many of us who have had a partner that has this disease of alcoholism can readily identify with your reflections and confusion. Times were different, we thought we were doing the right thing etc.
I found that I needed to accept the fact that I did the best I could at the time and now that I have found support and alanon I will learn how to do it differently and hopefully better. You are growing so please keep coming back
I thought you were describing my AH!! He finally got a Dui and got into AA and I got into AlAnon. This was all after 30 years of marriage. Why did I stay? Finances!! He could still bring home the money.
But this is a progressive disease. If he is sober 60% of the time now, in a few weeks/months/years he will be drunk 60% of the time. I was planning my escape when he finally hit AA. My HP has a plan and I am just living it. Whatever you are doing right now is just what you are supposed to be doing. It can change tomorrow. When you are ready to leave no one will be able to talk you out of it. You will just be ready.
Hey Slow, I did the same thing...stayed b/c of this issue or that issue, i just STAYED......i don't know how long u have been in program, but they all say and i believe it that one must work their program for at least several months b4 making radical changes, unless, of course their is imminent danger of physical threat....
who knows why any of us stayed...fear?? not wanting to be alone??? putting so much into a relationship you hate to give it up b/c he "might" change??? or financial reasons, children young minors....
I remember when i first got here i was like "omg..they stay??" I just did not understand the complexities of it all b/c i had left my AH b4 i got into recovery...in fact i drew a mark on a calendar back in april of 2000 giving him ONE month to get into AA or we were done....I was just done w/it, but that was me...he refused...flat refused so i kicked him out...he was a total sweetheart to me drunk and sober...but i just did not want this way of life anymore...grew up with it..married into it TWICE dated it i was done...i drug me to alanon on the advice and pushing of my beloved BFF who is recovering A whose been in program since the 80's and yea, she shoved and pushed me god love her and i finally gave alanon a shot.....i am no longer shocked and confused when i see folks staying...I dont' know the dynamics of their situations..some are trapped b/c of finances and I know all about financial fear or they are trapped by something else.......it is horrible, so wasted years???? did u learn stuff??? have you grown wiser??? I think you have just reading your share....i think we do change when we are ready and not b4...and its an individual thing....
please dont get down on you, this is just part of your life journey and hopefully you will stick w/alanon and learn more about taking care of yourself, detaching from him and then you will do what u gotta do when u r ready.....
i used to PUSH folks....get out...leave.....kick him/her to the curb......i don't do that anymore unless they are being physically abused and are in dire danger of being hurt or killed, then yea, i beeseach them to leave, but other than that???? i don't do it anymore b/c alanon has softened me..it has taught me what works for me might not work for them....so i just kinda say what i did or saw or learned or tried and leave it at that....yea, i mess up and get over charged up at some shares i read , but it is only becuz i hate to see anyone suffer and stuck, but i see i gotta just say what i did or learned and then let it go.........
please stick w/alanon and reaching out like this, something inside prompted you..that is always a positive when you reach out....give yourself a hug for that...it takes guts to share so honest and sincere the way you did.....and that is a big first step to reclaiming your life.....i grew up w/this disease and knew no other way to live...drinking, verbal/physical abuse, you name it...i saw or suffered it....then i marry into it b/c what the heck...i was trained that this is "normal" stuff......boooy was i wrong when i got into alanon and sat in meets and shared w/others in my boat......wow!!!! i really wonder what % of population has an addiction problem.....don't think i want to know.....i keep my addiction of needing to be in control..being controlling in remission on a day to day basis, with slips adn slides, but i just get up...move forward and work my stuff.........
glad u showed up here...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I think it's human nature to look back at a long relationship with an A and question why we have stayed in it. There is no one answer--sometimes I think it's difficult because we ARE in it, and it's hard to see things with clarity, especially when you add in raising a family and all the rest.
My marriage of nearly 23 years ended at the beginning of this year, and I would be a liar if I told you I never thought about those 2+ decades, knowing what I know, how my life would have been so different if I had left in year 2 of my marriage, at the first sign of big trouble! But, for one thing, it took all of those moments to get me to this one, and staying in the marriage did yield 3 beautiful healthy and happy children; also I DIDN't know then, what I know now--about As and alcoholic behavior, and codependency as well.
No matter what, coming here is a positive action for you, as are face to face meetings and the support of those of us who have lived or are living similar lives.
Hi SL,
I identify with your post- you're not alone. Another Alanoner had suggested to me to not look back for long- not to live in the past. It was greatly helpful. Please be gentle with you.
Well, I'm still in my marriage and I can totally relate. The exception is that my AH was actually funny when he was drunk and mean when he was sober. I wish I could say that he was a great guy when sober, because things might have been different for us. Obviously, I think you can see that you are not alone. I've been married for 19 years and there are days when I think back to the early years and realize that I didn't pay attention to the red flags that were waving in my face. My HP had a better lesson in store for me and I guess I wasn't ready to see it yet and that's OK. We're each on our own journey and there's no way we can say how things would have worked out if we had just done this or done that. Leave the past in the past and work with what you know now. Be gentle with yourself as Bud says above!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
