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There are nights that I literally have to chase my AH around the house. It's more exhausting than chasing my children all day. This man is not only dangerously impulsive when he drinks, but he also tends to walk around after he's fallen asleep (I know, I can't catch a break even when I think he's down for the count...). Last week he got up out of bed around 2 am (I work from home and was working at the time since he is incapable of watching the kids for more than an hour after he's gotten home from work). Every time he moves at this stage of drinking I need to jump up to see what he's doing. He went to use the bathroom, but instead walked into the baby's room. I literally had to pull him out of there as he almost fell into the crib. I steered him to the bathroom as that's where I think he was trying to go, and he turned around and got a cigarette, went back to the bathroom, and stayed there. I had to wait until he came out to make sure he didn't burn the house down, and then try to steer him back to bed without ending up underneath him when he fell. This is one of many sleepless nights...He is a minimum 60 beers a week drinker (when he was working nights). Now that he's home on first shift, it seems that he's drinking at least 90+ beers per week. I've threatened him, and explained the effects of his drinking on me and our three boys. He laughs at me, tells me I'm exaggerating, or completely blows me off. When I told him about the crib incident, he literally laughed at me and thought it was hilarious because he didn't remember a thing. There are countless stories, sleepless nights, and thoughts of throwing in the towel. I'm so tired.........my question is, how do you ladies deal with all of this, and still manage to focus on you? I'm trying so hard, but there are so many things going on with him that I can't put it all aside to get down to me. Between his erratic and childish behavior, and trying to do everything for the boys while sheltering them from the bologna, how do I get there? I feel so run down and stuck in the same groundhog day type repetition. His drinking causes incidents like this daily, and there's never any down time for me to take a breath and think. I suppose I need some clarity and words of encouragement :)
Aloha...It's good you have found this board and the MIP family. What you're going thru millions of friends, spouses and families have gone thru with an active alcoholic in their lives including the responses from the alcoholic about what they do and what happens when they are under the influence. A part of the definition of alcoholism talks about how we get as crazy or worse because we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out the reality they don't get in a black out. You're working over over time and yes this is just as minding an oversized version of misbehaving child only the cause is a mind and mood altering chemical which he is addicted to and has a compulsion for with a physical allergy. You are also allergic to it mind, body, spirit and emotions. My alcoholic/addict wife's addictive personality and behavior defied reason and I was the one going insane. What I was led to and did was call the Al-Anon hotline (after I call help in emotional trouble and the suicide prevention center) where I found someone to talk to and got the information or the next available meeting in my then area. I learned how to stop bar hopping all over town looking for her and calling the police looking for "Jane Does" fitting her description who had maybe been killed in an accident or some other way or was incarcerated (once) or in the emergency (once and then some) or who know where the hell she was. We once attempted to find her in a forest in early morning hours as she left the bar and turned right toward the trees stead of left toward the car. Bears didn't get her that night. Whew. When I first learned I didn't ever have to live that way again I didn't understand. I had to be shown how, taught by others who knew how to do it. Many of them are here for you and many are in the rooms of Al-Anon. Call and get there and keep coming back here also. Sad that you have to go thru this also though its temporary if you want to change. ((((hugs))))
Hi, I dont deal with it anymore, but I did, for a long time. I realised I didnt have to live this way, I was entitled to sleep, peace and reasonable behaviour. I went to alanon meetings and started setting boundaries and consequences that made my life better. Im not with my ex and I wont live with drunken people anymore, my life is too short and worth more than that. Meetings built me up and gave me confidence and I began making changes that have improved my life and my kids life beyond my wildest dreams.
Welcome to MIP. What a nightmare this must all feel like to you? I can remember saying to a friend, "Pinch me and make sure I'm awake, will you?" Al-Anon meetings, finding a good sponsor, working the steps will help you recover from the effects of his drinking in the long-term. It does appear, however, that he is a safety risk to you and to the children in the short-term. Perhaps calling the local AA groups there and asking for people who might be willing to do a twelfth step with him could be helpful? I don't have any advice for you in this situation since it isn't mine, but I can certainly identify with how frightening and wearing this can be for you. Please keep coming back and looking for ways to get rest for yourself. There is hope in the program and help for you, too. He may not stop drinking and you don't have to live that way. The program can help you see options that you do have that may not be clear to you right now. Sending you lots of encouragement and support.
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this, it is tiring and wearing in my experience. If I were looking after an alzheimer patient I think that I might have reached out for some home help by now but the shame that I felt about living with this behaviour stopped me. How silly is that?!!! One day I simply stopped thinking about the alcohol that was causing so much trouble and started thinking about what I could and could not cope (put up) with. Wherever possible I leave AH to clear up his own problems - I am not his mother and I try not to behave like I am.
To answer your specific question - I make sure that I do something really nice, just for me, every single day. Going to bed at night is a snug ritual for me. It might be just painting my nails, picking some flowers, reading a book in bed, baking myself a cake (not in bed though!!) or going to visit friends (ditto!). If I don't give myself treats I become super resentful and angry. (BTW, it does not always work - I would say that I cope much better now than I used to, but I still slip into bad ways - and that is ok, I'm doing my best and learning everyday).
Reaching out in your community might open up a lot of new options for you - you are not alone and do not have to deal with this on your own. I felt such relief when I experienced the warm welcome of Alanon face to face. Take care of you, I hope that you will stick around
Thank you all so much for responding. It's nice to know that there are others out there that understand my position, and don't look at me like I'm crazy for putting up with this. I have set some boundaries, and I've been able to let go of some of his situations. I suppose that's a small step, but I've come to realize that I can't teach him the way, so maybe God will take over and help him, even if it means he gets into more legal trouble. My biggest issue is the effect that it has on the kids. This is where I stumble, trying to cover things up so the children don't become involved and feel the way that I do. It's exceedingly difficult...I can let him run around the house hurting himself and have detached enough to watch him learn on his own, but there's always that what if I don't get up and he hurts one of the children situations....I have a lot of goals, and I need to become a bit more focused on me so that I can give my kids the life that he can't but I know I can give them.
Hi Watchdog and welcome to MIP. You're in the right place and I'm glad you found us! This is a very powerful, cunning, and baffling disease and it affects everyone in contact; it progresses to insanity or death. I understand and had similar experiences. Alanon provides the tools, support, and skills for coping better by finding different perspectives and options. I have found that attending meetings and working the steps with a sponsor is the quickest way to improving my situations. I hope you'll keep coming back- this program works and you're worth it.
Watch...one of the early lessons I got which still works wonders for me today was "the difference between helping and enabling" Learning that enabling resulted in the problem getting worse I needed the lesson to lesson it in my life. My sponsor taught me that "If the alcoholic/addict had the time, ability and facility to take care of her own needs and I stepped in and took over that was enabling. (She got clean and sober after I let go of managing her everything) the other part was that "If she lacked anyone of those three things ...and she asked me for help ...and I considered it and agreed that would be helping". I gave up the knee jerk reaction of rising and flying into her situations without notice or request and kept the option of saying no thank you or just plain no. I learned how to help and to lessen the enabling a lot. It also works with my sponsees. Keep coming back. In support. ((((hugs))))
I would look into buying a hand held camcorder. That way when he acts like this you record it and show it to him when he is sober. That was next on my list. I found them at Walmart. Goodluck.
That was my life for years. He makes me feel like I am taking care of 2 extra kids! However, this kid can be deadly because I cannot give him a curfew or make him accountable. He simply doesn't give a hoot how I feel when he drinks. When he is sober, he cannot give a hoot because he is busy feeling remorseful and I am busy making sure he knows he is wrong! It was miserable for us and my kids. I choose to leave and is still being blamed for everything.
Try to go for meeting and take good care of yourself. Do not throw pearl to swine.
