I will be honest ... - Al-Anon Family Group

Gaby · Senior Member

I will be honest ...

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand how you feel, i find it helps to accept that we are all here recovering, we all share esh differently. Take what you like means we can disregard anything that we dont like. We make a choice if we are hurt by another or not, to a certain extent. Its harsh to tell someone not to share I feel, it is an open forum. A private message would probably be enough to get what you want and the moderators are there to help if a pm doesnt work. I think addressing someone In this way is humiliating and unnecessary when we have pm,s, im sure you didnt mean to hurt anyone and its good to stick up for ourselves but if someone did this to me I would not be happy and would complain to the moderators.

-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 21st of June 2014 03:33:34 AM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Gaby wrote:
There are some people in here that regardless how I share what I feel at the moment make me feel low. For one NESHEMA. You make me feel as if I have to things your way. As I read my esh you down talk me. That deeply hurts because here as every one else. As much as you say take what you want and leave the rest.. You ??? Are as if should be at you timing or how your program has worked for you and it should work for others.
*****WOW!!! if someone made me sooo mad i use their name in all caps, I think that i would do a step 10 and ascertain WHY i am angered/triggered by them??? there is a lesson here....I would do a step 4 on it and find out why....
Please I ask to not give me esh and continue with your own program and work on your inventory. I come on this board as every else to release to share.. But Neshema I feel like you talk down to me. I am already feeling low enough.
****** I don't talk down to anyone, but i do ask about their meetings, sponsor, steps, etc., b/c i am here to work alanon.....and I won't waste my time, no worries, giving you esh b/c I see that i am wasting my time...if u want to post every now and again, about your son thats your right and your decision....I will e/s/h the ones who want to hear alanon, not being enabled

I know about meetings I know about sponsors I know about meetings on board I know about esh. But your comment earlier has effected me huge. Some of your comments can truly hurt some one like me and the life I'm living. I ask of you to not give me nothing. Because some of your harshness can throw a person like me to a dark place. I needed to let it be known of how your comments has effected my recovery.
*******I would have done this via a private message as that would have been more appropriate , but i understand you wanted to "blast" me in public and if this makes you feel better, than take your best shot.....I am not angry with you...I hope your taking this up with me in public has relieved some of your anger and frustration at life or whatever........this program and the ones really working it means the world to me and one who shows up only to talk about herself and her son, I am glad to leave alone.....its your program and u run it the way you feel .....you say you know about meets and sponsors, but you make no mention of it...I have yet to hear the steps and slogan work you are doing, but there again, I am asked to leave you alone....I will gladly accept that boundary......you make no mention of the steps and what u are doing re: alanon to help yourself.....all i shared was it helped me and others have told me that it helped them greately to work all the alanon components and also reading and giving to others, helped them see their issues when they got out of themselves and shared with another....that is all i tried to tell you......I don't apologize for working my program and giving my experience and strength and hope...i am not going to please all the people and i don't even try to....there are some who wont' like me or my shares.....the ones working their program do....the ones who just want sympathy/enabling do NOT like my shares from what i have experienced.......good luck on your journey and no worries...I am too busy with my own journey and helping others who want to help themselves to share again on your posts..........

-- Edited by neshema2 on Saturday 21st of June 2014 04:40:19 AM

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Unfortunately neshema2, this is not the first person who has voiced that they are offended by some of the things and ways you share, in replying to their post. There have been many. Some are no longer willing to participate on the board, as long as you are on it. It's sad. Al-Anon is a program of Attraction, not Promotion. I know your heart is good and in the right place, but you might want to ask yourself if your sharing your ES&H when you reply to others is "attractive". In short, does it entice people to want what you have? Or merely beat them with the flag pole of Al-Anon, and chase them away? Even in your reply here you state..."and one who shows up only to talk about herself and her son, I am glad to leave alone..." as though there is other qualifying criteria's you are placing on someone who comes here to share what they are experiencing in their lives. Just because you wrap yourself in the banner of Al-Anon words when you reply to someone does not mean you are being supportive, encouraging, or compassionate to them. And if you can't do this, it would probably be in everyone's best interest if you didn't reply to their post at all. Not everyone needs or wants an "opinion" about what they have shared. They simply want to be supported, encouraged and shown some compassion.

Gaby, I am sorry this has happened to you here. As elcee said, sometimes we have to weed through what we get from others, take what we need and want and leave the rest. Please don't let what one person has shared, take the value of the board as a whole or its many other members away from you. We need and you here with us.

John

-- Edited by John on Saturday 21st of June 2014 07:29:05 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Gaby, I agree with elcee. I encourage you to contact Neshema privately and work this out. I am sorry you were offended and I feel badly for her being attacked publicly. There have been times when I have taken things personally and in the end, what the person has said really has been of benefit to me.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Maybe some of this has already been handled privately, I sure hope so. I am hoping this is the end of publicly calling anyone out or reprimanding...it does not serve anyone or anything in a helpful way.

-- Edited by PP on Saturday 21st of June 2014 07:45:07 AM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

As am I, PP, hoping this is the end of publicly calling anyone out.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I do believe that the Private Message system was set up in order to address issues from the Board that should be discussed in private .

I also think that when someone finds fault with what I have done:, examining my motives, keeping an open mind on what they verbalize and then validating myself without invalidating them is extremely important.

I have said, I hear you and am sorry if what I said appeared unsupportive. I am concerned for your well being and know how powerful alanon is and apologize if I am over zealous .

Sharing our own ESH and keeping the focus on ourselves is so very important

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

i have read all the posts and can see that since I have found more meetings and working the steps helped me to face life on life terms even when I did not like it , I get over zealous when I share and will make sure to keep the focus on myself in the future and I am sorry if I offended anyone ...that was never my intent...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(Neshema)) Great work on Step 10 That is program in action

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

This is al anon in action, Neshema, thank you for your humility.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Ditto Betty and Paula, Rose. We're all learning and growing. You and Gaby are not alone. We are all doing our best and there is always room for growth as I have discovered in many ways about myself and with the help of my sponsor and the fellowship. We are all in a fellowship of equals and we all hit some and we all miss some. Progress not perfection - that's the name of the game for me.

John · ~*Service Worker*~

neshema, I want to say this to you in public because I believe it needs to be said in public. You and I have been through a few wind storms over the years here, some worse than others. But I must admit that when all is said and done, I have been blessed to witness your growth and ongoing progress. You have come a long, long way from where you started here at MIP. As I have said many times I will say again. While often what we have to say is based in a premise of truth, the method in which we share it, can wipe the truth of our intentions under the carpet. When I share from a place of love and support, it is never misread. When I share from a place that lacks either, it is almost always misread, misunderstood, or received with an erroneous intent attached to it by the reader. Words are so powerful. They can and do reach peoples emotional center. I often have to ask myself, "am I sending a message to someone's emotional center, that I would want my own to be receiving"? All I know for sure is that if it lacks love and support, the answer is always NO.

As someone above has already said, "Progress, not Perfection"

What I always say is... "I'm sure glad God isn't done with any of us yet!" LOL

John

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I have a friend who I don't confide in because when I have in the past, his answer is always his religion. I don't mind his religious beliefs, but they come from him as if he assumes I have none of my own. I am firmly grounded in my faith and don't need my friends bible thumping when I am trying to work through some problem. Sometimes all we need is a sympathetic ear. His "advice" is always along the lines of "you should religious this, or you should religion that" and realizing that its the "shoulds" that annoy me, I don't go to him when I need to figure something in my life out.

I have another friend who is into the whole organic health way of life, if I say I have some problem, her answer is probiotics or gluten free, or you know? I swear if I went to her with a cut finger bleeding all over she'd want me to eat some health food stuff that would build my bloods clotting factor naturally - rather than put pressure on the cut till it stops bleeding!

As I'm writing this, going back up to read the original post, back through the replies; I'm wondering if my response is relevant to the topic or not, but its what comes to mind and I am compelled to sit here on my couch typing rather than doing what I meant to get done this morning. So I'm writing it. There are posters whose responses are usually like my much loved religious friends advice, so I usually skim through them. There are posters who's responses I always get something from that I pay more attention to.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree John The Courage to Change reading for June 22nd speaks to this topic I love the quote: "We learn in time, that it is not subjects which are controversial, but the manner in which we communicate them and the elements of personal blame we add to them in anger"

As the alanon closing nessage states we are not perfect , you may not like all of us but will come to love us in a special way the same way we already love you.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I have learned through MIP, how responses are best received when there is no face to face contact. I know some of my responses have bristled hairs because, as John mentioned, they are not coming from a place of love or support. Sometimes they are coming from a place of "Paula knows best"...not unlike likemyheart's friends smile

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Pp, its because your human though. We are never going to be perfect and I think everyone could say the same that they have posted in a rush or annoyed or they have been demanding. I can own up to that too. I actually respond well to the bristles, not sure what that says about me, lol

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Nice follow up MIP family I was reminded of the alanon closing message that states:"We are not perfect , you may not like all of us, but will come to love us in a special way the same way we already love you. Talk things over, reason things out , let there be no gossip or criticism of one another, but let the understanding, love and peace of the program grow in you ODAT.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

John wrote:
neshema, I want to say this to you in public because I believe it needs to be said in public. You and I have been through a few wind storms over the years here, some worse than others. But I must admit that when all is said and done, I have been blessed to witness your growth and ongoing progress. You have come a long, long way from where you started here at MIP. As I have said many times I will say again. While often what we have to say is based in a premise of truth, the method in which we share it, can wipe the truth of our intentions under the carpet. When I share from a place of love and support, it is never misread. When I share from a place that lacks either, it is almost always misread, misunderstood, or received with an erroneous intent attached to it by the reader. Words are so powerful. They can and do reach peoples emotional center. I often have to ask myself, "am I sending a message to someone's emotional center, that I would want my own to be receiving"? All I know for sure is that if it lacks love and support, the answer is always NO.
As someone above has already said, "Progress, not Perfection"
What I always say is... "I'm sure glad God isn't done with any of us yet!" LOL
John

Dear John....thanks for this really nice share.....small paragraph but loaded w/some great info.....I do beleive my "intent" was from a good place, but my delivery can really suck......very interesting "when i share froma place of love and support" ya know?? thinking of this, my intent is never to hurt, but yea, iam a work in progress for sure.....and i need to think of this "emotional center" geeez face to face is so much easier, LOL...the printed words can get so bollixed up and I have been told i am a very good writer, but even so, its so much more difficult when its not face to face...........guess i am gonna be kissing up to step 4 again, LOL......and "progress not perfection" oh yea......and i know HP aint done w/me either......thanks for the "you have come a long, long way" oh i was one very bitter, angry at life little fire ball...I do remember those days well...my sponsor and i harken back to those days and she basically has loved me through those dark days.......i really want to be a vessel of love and peace and goodwill......yep....work in progress I am.........

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

(((( Gaby ))))

Take care, pray and let go with God's help as you go through this time of need. Have a good day at the wedding and be happy and at peace. Enjoy your daughters part in the wedding.

We love you and our hearts go out to you. Keep coming back because you are not alone.

((( hugs )))

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
I agree John The Courage to Change reading for June 22nd speaks to this topic I love the quote: "We learn in time, that it is not subjects which are controversial, but the manner in which we communicate them and the elements of personal blame we add to them in anger"
As the alanon closing nessage states we are not perfect , you may not like all of us but will come to love us in a special way. the same way we already love you.

I have my CtoC book....i need to dig it out and re-read it...it was a great book for just being healthy......

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I've offended people before and elicited similar responses. When I am on...I'm on (so I like to think), but when I am off.....man, I am way off sometimes and it takes a while to come back to center. I wish there were tactful ways to give some forms of feedback.

To Gaby: I see you working a strong step 1, 2, and 3....When I hear someone say they are 'baby stepping" with the steps, my initial reaction is "Why do 12 step group/participation/sponsor and baby step it?" "Why not delve in deep?" Your son needs to do this rigorously and thoroughly for his program so you might as well do it too Gaby. What would you want someone to say to your son now if he said "I'm doing the best I can!" and "I know all about sponsors and steps..." Probably you would want someone to gently challenge him. This is sorta similar and lord knows I have stepped in it a gazillion times trying to be that person to do the challenging. I constantly have to check my motives and where it's coming from and how I say it. I also know that steps 4 through 12 can bring you to a whole other level of serenity and I want that for you. I also know this has to be on your time, your HP's time, and not mine. Furthermore, I know there are other's here who have more similar stories (Cathy, Hotrod, Elcee, Grateful, Jerry) all having their own children as qualifiers and you may benefit more from their ESH than me. Hence, I gotta step back and let that happen because I am probably not the one best equipped to do 12th step work with you.

To Neshema: I think that some of the above was what you wanted to get across. Knowing more about you and your program, I know this is how I see you working. I relate as I try and gently challenge people sometimes too but walk a very fine line with it and have been told to butt out, stop being Mr. Therapist, know it all, that I have a big head...I have gotten all that feedback before and I had to digest it and keep working on myself just like you did here. I'm still working on it. We can work on it together lol.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

el-cee wrote:
Pp, its because your human though. We are never going to be perfect and I think everyone could say the same that they have posted in a rush or annoyed or they have been demanding. I can own up to that too. I actually respond well to the bristles, not sure what that says about me, lol

agree, el-cee.....i can be too hurried or not sit and think first when i say something....like its gotta be said now.....that just does not work a lot of times......and true....i am never going to be perfect....used to try, but i gave that up thanks to alanon

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I knew a woman once who most everybody with open hearts were drawn to and wanted to emulate and learn from in my company. She told me that someone came to her one day and what they saw in themselves as a virtue she saw to be a vice and called them on it. The gal got angry at her and stormed out of her office. Being younger and still very much concerned with how people saw me, I asked: "Oh!!!!! A.., was that hard on you? Did you feel bad about that?" "No." She said. "She just didn't like my style." Sometimes, we can be speaking from a place of honesty and love and the person listening doesn't like our style. I don't like it when people who truly do care about me say what they see at first especially when they are naming something that is true about me that I just can't see yet. I do listen though - I don't discount what they have to say. And in a few days, generally, I hear within myself that what they said was true and I feel closer to them because they cared enough to say something hard and take the risk of my not liking their style. I do disagree that when we speak from a place of love that everybody will respond at first with openness to what we are saying that might be tough to hear in my experience and I do appreciate that others see it differently than me.

Regardless, I see all of us to be what we are as Betty said - "In process." John, I appreciate what you have said in kindness to a member of our family, too. Since you said it publicly, I want to respond to it publicly. Hugs to all.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

pinkchip wrote:

To Neshema: I think that some of the above was what you wanted to get across. Knowing more about you and your program, I know this is how I see you working. I relate as I try and gently challenge people sometimes too but walk a very fine line with it and have been told to butt out, stop being Mr. Therapist, know it all, that I have a big head...I have gotten all that feedback before and I had to digest it and keep working on myself just like you did here. I'm still working on it. We can work on it together lol.

hey Mark....i do walk that fine line.....i guess that is why the slogan "keep the focus on me" my e/s/h only and leave the other out...for some?? that I know?? maybe, but someone i don't know?? i am straddling that find line and need to either not reply or just send a smile or something and let it go........and on this case, I need to back off, butt out...stop being miss experience here........and yea, we can work on our stuff together.....i so agree.....sometimes i also am hurried...not letting stuff digest first b4 i start typing.....like i think i have to post "right now" instead of waiting...thinking "how is this gonna come accross???" I am not gonna beat me up for having good intent, but bad delivery.....

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
I have learned through MIP, how responses are best received when there is no face to face contact. I know some of my responses have bristled hairs because, as John mentioned, they are not coming from a place of love or support. Sometimes they are coming from a place of "Paula knows best"...not unlike likemyheart's friends

yea, likemyheart was spot on.....i have had the ole bible thump job on me or something other......yep....and i am sure i have thrown out my "authorative" crap w/out really thinking "hey..maybe this person just needs a smile"........simple but aint easy ...that is why i am here it is b/c i aint all there

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

So, true, Grateful. Someone once said to me, "Sometimes grace ain't pretty". I do know the difference in my responses if it is coming from a place of love or snarkiness. Sometime the place of love will cause ones hairs to rise, and, if my place is right, I am ok with it. If I am coming from a place of love, their response is their stuff. I try to follow this little slogan "check it before you wreck it". If someone's responses to me make me bristle, I listen, as it has been those responses that have caused the biggest breakthroughs for me.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
So, true, Grateful. Someone once said to me, "Sometimes grace ain't pretty". I do know the difference in my responses if it is coming from a place of love or snarkiness. Sometime the place of love will cause ones hairs to rise, and, if my place is right, I am ok with it. If I am coming from a place of love, their response is their stuff. I try to follow this little slogan "check it before you wreck it". If someone's responses to me make me bristle, I listen, as it has been those responses that have caused the biggest breakthroughs for me.

agree.....i guess that is why i am not beating me up here.....i am LOVING me, not down on me....I know my intent was good......my intent was to help....it was not wanted so i shall leave the author of this post alone as requested.....i really meant to help, so i am "ok" with me....but ya know?? there is lessons i learned here, like the likemyheart comment about giving advice meaning to help.....Like Melly said so beautifully....Something I saw that worked for me, i wanted to share it....so it didn't work.....ok......and yea, "if i bristle, that means i need to listen , perhaps MORE b/c like u say, Paula, i have learned some of my biggest things when bristled"........

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

And Gaby - I usually don't respond to posters whose qualifiers are their children because I've not been there, I can't offer any words of wisdom, but, I am guilty of not offering a - I'm so sorry you are hurting, I hope..... kind of thing. and for that I AM sorry. When you write about your son being in jail and possibly facing jail time, my first thought is good, I hope it shakes him up somehow, followed by, at least you know he's physically safe! I check my local jail site for my ex-A's name because from the bottom of my heart, I think something big like jail is the only way he is going to be reachable and, despite everything I went through, I still care for his well being.

I hope you have a marvelous day with your daughter and fun at the wedding! Happy Summer Saturday!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

PP: That's been my experience, too. I don't listen to folks who have spent no time with me since I believe people have to earn the right to "name stuff" especially when they have never really listened to me or me to them, but with those who have spent time with me or me with them - then the listening truly begins and the learning follows. I say "Thank God for the people who speak directly with me about something that troubles them in relationship to me that isn't easy to say and then leave me free to listen to them or reject them because I don't like the gift of truth they have brought to me." I don't think I have ever rejected that gift of grace - even when it is naming a hard truth - coming from someone who cares enough about me to risk loss in relationship to me and can speak simply and directly. I try to do the same as I've received from the people who had more experience than me doing this kind of thing. My friend, A, was one of those teachers. She loved me and she challenged me and she did it face to face even when she was in my home and was dependent on me for a ride home. I trust people who can say both the hard and the soft truths to me about me and will wait for me to work through emotions and listen for a response to their truth. I don't trust offhanded comments that come from people I don't know though. That to me is never grace. Just a hit and run style of relating. I think I used to do that in my younger years - it felt safer to me then. I guess that's why I don't trust it. I did it and it didn't work for me. Then, teachers like "A" appeared on the scene.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 21st of June 2014 10:55:05 AM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Soon as I saw this I wanted to delete it. I learned a long time agao what was not acceptable on mip. Intolerance between members was always to go to pm not on the board.

I don't believe it is positive at all to put each other down in public. I feel it is no bodys business but the people involved. My belief is to always go to the person, to put it out like this is gossip.

So in saying that I am now going to someone in pm to discuss why this rule has changed.

People here are hurting enough, they do not have to see this type of thing on mip. It's none of anyone elses business! If someone feels I need some direction or they want to talk to me about something personal, I welcome them to come to me in pm.

Especially new ones will be intimidated by this behavior and afraid if they do something wrong they will be attacked on the board.

Now remember this is MY experience, MY feelings. debilyn

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dearest Gaby, It has to be so very hard to have a child, I don't care what age, who is struggling with addiction. I have seen you come here during your darkest moments to get and give support. That is why we are here. It makes me feel so proud of your courage to say the words you do. To share about our kids hurting, about our great fears, all of it, is no way easy!

One thing I have learned is I can choose how I respond or how I feel when I get words from others. When I first read that here, I thought NO WAY. lol I mean AH was saying insane things, scarey things. Guess what, I now honestly do say to myself if someone is mean in a store or wherever hey that is their problem. Where before I would fall apart!

I just had to speak by phone in a conference. The attorney for the mortgage co. that has been illegally dealing with my loan was doing his best to intimidate me. I felt fine! I kept coming back with, hey that is not what we are talking about. he kept saying we need to talk about the present. I came back with, the amount you say is owed was gathered from he past and I want an accounting of it, I did not sign for any mod. I got sick of being a victim.

It was part of my growth thru al anon. John used to scare me! But I was taking him wrong. I know now he really does come from his heart. I like it when he tells me how he feels or how he sees something. I am not afraid to ask him things, or share how i feel.

I have seen you growing in your recovery! It is perfectly natural to be concerned for our kids! But as you have shown and others, we an grow at the same time becuz of the tools we learn, and becuz of the loving people here!

Anyway I hope you are having a great week end and feel pretty and happy!!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a good read and a good "feel" for me. We are all human and in progress. Often times I have the right intention and as has been mentioned the wayward presentation. That is why when I first got into recovery I was told and heard, "sit down and shut up...you don't know anything about what we do" and of course I was offended by that yet the disease had kicked the fight out of me and I could only muster the sit down part. I learned about E.G.O. Easing God Out and how that affects my relationship with choices. I can come from me and that is a position of imperfection. I can come from God and that requires thought and compassion, empathy and love. Often times I rework a response or share because I ask myself how would I receive this share as I have first thought of sharing it. I know this person and from where they come and how they have been affected do I want to make that worse or better? Working as a therapist I had the magic of being able to listen with my eyes and body language does not lie...it is the greater part of communications and I got to "watch/listen" to the affect of words and actions on others. I became very cautious especially with "my part" of the relationships I was and am in. I come from alcoholism and drug addiction I know how, what and why self centered behaviors affect others...from my own experiences and then I learned that there wasn't much difference between others in my life other than age and gender. Age is experience and as long as I have memory I can remember life as a younger person while the younger person has little idea about how their elder is affected. Gender brings a different dimension. I was taught by the women of Al-Anon to get in touch with my female side which at first suggestion was a dumb suggestion and invitation and yet it was there that I learned about these things (powerful things) called emotions. Learning about emotions open doors I didn't know existed on a wide swath from good to bad, positive to negative. At first I hated it because now I knew what a feeling was and I was able to express my self in real terms rather than try to think of a picture it represented. The short of it was in part I could answer my sponsors questions about the affect to my behaviors on others that was "Well how would you feel if that was done to you?" I learned that often I hurt others without any Idea I was doing so often because I was exerting "self" upon them...easing God out. I learned a little and became a sarcastic smart-ass know it all. I needed all of the courageous "in my faces" that informed me that "that hurt Jerry F" to know their hurt thru my own experience. All of those victims used the courageous to be honest on me and then offered me the courage to change who I was. God loved it...all of HP's tools re-tweaking me, re-adjusting here and there.

Reacting is behavior without prior thought. Responding is thinking and then responding. I like that, I get to ask myself questions such as, "How would I be feeling if I were in their space...should I ask first"? "Would it be better to acknowledge the person only and not their issue or problem...just wishing faith and hope"? "Should I just not get involved and turn it all over"? After a while the inventory process goes quickly and I'm okay with what I am directed to do. "Place me where you want me...tell me what to do". HP and HP's will is recovery perspective for me. This is what Al-Anon and the fellowship has taught me in part. I never could have dreamed up any of this on my own. ((((Love my MIP family)))) smile

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

In defense of neshema. At least she takes an interest and responds to people. A few posters (no names mentioned but if the shoe fits . . . ) just want to come on and get feedback on their issues but they never return the favor.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

When I'm feeling strong and positive, I'm more inclined to feel as if I have something to share with others and then I offer my ESH on other people's posts. When I am feeling rotten and negative I read others posts and care about them, pray for them even but it is my way not to offer my thoughts when I am feeling negative because I don't feel confident...yet...that my emotions don't completely overshadow my reasoning. That's a work in progress for me. So, for me, it's not a lack of care, it's a lack of confidence in my ability to bring anything worthwhile to a conversation when I am feeling low or worried. I think it's a real shame that people who stick to their own issues only are thought to be selfish because that just might not be it at all.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Sunday 22nd of June 2014 01:22:27 AM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes its the sharing or replying from that raw place that helps people, especially new comers, there is value in all of it really. If you share only when you are on top of the game, all the conditiins met, then its one kind of esh, polished esh, to reply from a vulnerable place, connects with others on a different level and it helps you grow too. I dont think its about being selfish, its kind of a trust thing, trusting yourself and others.

When I give my hp a thought before I reply then I can share well, if thats the word, if I rush in and its all I, self, me then I usually say something crappy. Thats me, all of me, its a risk to show it all, some people wont like me but thats ok more and more and that good for me.

What im trying to say is dont feel you can only share at certain times, in my experience you can be a channel at any time and moat likely through the difficult times.x

-- Edited by el-cee on Sunday 22nd of June 2014 02:59:52 AM

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

wornoutmrsfixit wrote:
In defense of neshema. At least she takes an interest and responds to people. A few posters (no names mentioned but if the shoe fits . . . ) just want to come on and get feedback on their issues but they never return the favor.

Much of the time I don't respond because I feel dumb with nothing useful to say. Maybe one day...

-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Sunday 22nd of June 2014 07:34:43 PM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

In defense of Gaby....some are so sick at the time all they can do is get support for them alone. When the mind and body does get better then they might give back the gift they have received.

It's way down there ( 12th step ) not the first step.

Let's take the fact how long Neshema has been in program vs. Gaby.

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

I didn't mean to indicate taking sides or bash anybody by default.

-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Sunday 22nd of June 2014 07:34:15 PM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear sisters and brothers of mine: Could we just end this all here and move on? Its a new day with new things for us to focus on that can lift us all up if we choose. I just see so much goodness and light in us all that I don't have the heart to keep grinding away on something that was an issue yesterday. Of course, that's me and although I could choose not to weigh in again on this post, I have chosen to do so because I care about us all and just think that at this point we will wound each other in ways that aren't necessary or in our best interest. There is so much we don't know about each other and the rest of our stories that I fear we will forget what we're doing here and add to the distress so many of us are carrying right now even if we don't speak of it on the board. (((Hugs, all))) Please forgive me if what I'm saying feels impertinent to you or pm me if you don't like what I've said. Much love from one wounded healer to all others.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.