Not sure really what to say... - Al-Anon Family Group

leslina · Member

Not sure really what to say...

Beatrice · Senior Member

Leslina,

Welcome to MIP and the Alanon board.

Well before now you didn't know that your husband can't stop drinking because you want him too. Now , you are reaching out for some answers and help
and that we can do. Everyone hear on this board has experience with this disease. And that's exactly what it is.

You are powerless over your husbands drinking but you can get some answers and solutions to make your life much better, by attending Alanon meetings, reading
literature, and coming to this board as this board is active 24 hours a day and there is always someone to support you.

You cannot live with this disease alone, it takes a village. But you have started with the first step, reaching out for help.

Please keep coming back, because it works if you work it.

Hugs, Bettina

leslina · Member

Bettina,

Thank you so much for your response and your encouragement, it means a lot. I am glad that you mentioned the word disease because I have forgotten that is what it is. I am trying to explore and learn this website in the hopes that I can better understand my husband and what he is dealing with and what I am dealing with. I look at other families with parents my and my husband's age and I wonder if they have similar problems to what I deal with on a daily basis. I wonder if it is normal and that all marriages have their problems and issues and maybe this is just our variation of marital problems. I don't know if that's the case or not but this is a problem I don't want to live with any longer.

Leslina

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Leslina what constitutes a family to you?

I see a very manipulative A, a wife who is doing her best to believe him and make it work, and a little girl who is in the middle and not learning real good lessons as two what a marriage is.

A's cannot drink a little. He may truly want to believe he can, and or is manipulating to cont. to drink. Plus we have no idea how much they really use.

I see you have made a decision that you no longer want to live this way. The next question is, what would you like to do about this? What are your options?

Sometimes sitting down and writing different options, or making lists of how you want to live your life helps lots.

Making a plan, being proactive helps as we then feel, hey I may be able to do this.

We cannot base our decisions on a very sick persons words. A's lie. We know that.

I believe choices are, live with it as is, learn skills and stay and do best as you can to find some serenity, or leave or they leave.

If you feel as bad as you do, multiply that times a zillion for your child. Children don't just grow physically, they grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually. They get terrrible behavior problems and have many character flaws when raised in unhappy families.

I hope you keep coming. no matter what we are here to listen and support you!

hugs!

Beatrice · Senior Member

Leslina,

To answer your questions about it being normal, first all relationships can be difficult and every home can have some kind of problem.

All I can say that living with an A on a daily basis is a tough path and doing it alone is even tougher. Living with it, is a choice.

I'm just going to say, it would help if you really lived and worked the program, educate yourself on the disease, and know that your husband

is in an altered state and as long as he is drinking it will progress, it doesn't make living with it any easier, but working Alanon will help YOU.

So that the focus isn't on him so much and will help you with solutions for your life. Its a process, it doesn't happen over nite, but take your

time in all decisions, unless you are in harms way physically.

Most important, keep coming back.

Hugs, Bettina

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Ditto all the shares. Keep coming back. We're here with you and for your growth.

leslina · Member

Debilyn,

Thank you so much for your post! I am just now realizing that yes, he is a very manipulative A. Ive never even considered that before. I just want everyone in the house to be happy and as he has said many times, he doesnt ask for much. All he wants are his frosty beverages in the evening to unwind from a very hot day at work. I have always understood and been sympathetic about that. When frosty evening beverages lead to him passed out before bath time and then they become breakfast beers to cope with the upcoming work day though, Ive held my tongue for far too long.

You are absolutely right that As cannot drink a little. We have tried for 8 years now to find a good balance so that he can have some beer and I can have some peace from him constantly asking for more beer money and no compromise has ever worked in my favor for very long. They dont work in his favor for very long either because what we agree upon is never enough and he asks for more money repeatedly until I give in out of frustration and anger. Its not healthy but its just how things have been for so long that I dont know what healthy is anymore.

An even more aggravating trait I have come to notice is that he likes to encourage me to get a bottle of wine or some little fruity drink that I like, knowing that this will allow him to get something extra. I have been completely oblivious to this little trick until very recently and I have stopped drinking completely as a result. There have been so many times that he has encouraged me to drink when I genuinely didnt want to in order for him to get more of what he wanted. I feel very betrayed now that I have realized this and I dont know how I never saw it before.

Im glad you brought up questions that I need to ask myself. In the past I just always wanted to do what made both of us happy, he drinks a little with a set budget or a set amount he can purchase per day and I dont get nagged that he wants more. That never even lasts a week before what we agree upon isnt enough for him. Im truly exhausted and I do not want to go through it any longer. And you are so right about it negatively affecting our daughter. She shouldnt see him drinking so heavily, getting aggravated with me when he doesnt get more, or gets more and ends up sleeping on the floor early in the afternoon. Its not healthy and Ive allowed it to go on far too long.

Thank you for all of your input, your post has been very encouraging and hepful.

Leslina

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Keep the focus on your wants, desires and needs. Work your recovery with the al anon tools at the forefront, take one day at a time and keep coming back. Al anon meetings saved my life.

leslina · Member

Bettina,

You are so right that living with an A on a daily basis is tough and thus far I have gone it alone. I've mentioned it somewhat to friends and family but I don't really think they can understand; everyone except for my mother-in-law who is very understanding and very helpful. She went through the same thing with my husband's father and she knows what I am going through and has provided me with so much help and support this time around. It's something I've never really liked to talk about until now and I really didn't know she was there to support me so much.

I am determined not to give in and allow the drinking to start up again. I have said my peace, actually I wrote him a letter stating that I would no longer tolerate it and if I catch him drinking he can go ahead and pack his bags. We've had one full sober day in our household and so far so good. I just know he is waiting for the day when my defenses will be down and I will give in to a small request for a drink and then the flood gates will open back up. I really don't want to give in again and start the vicious cycle over. I have made up my mind to be strong. Alcohol is poison to our family and I can't let it in again.

I am very glad that you suggested that I educate myself on this disease, that is something I have never really done before. All I know is what I have dealt with personally but I don't know much. I do know that without drinking my husband doesn't enjoy anything it seems. I know that is why I have given in in the past. I hate to see him so unhappy and miserable. I'll never fully understand what he deals with in his head but I believe his thoughts are usually involving alcohol. Every single thing he does he seems to make it associated with drinking. If he is going to cook dinner he needs to have some drinks, if he bbq's he needs to have drinks, for a road trip he needs drinks. It's like he doesn't know how to live and be happy if drinks aren't involved and that is so sad but it's so true. So that's that, one day down, so many to go...

Leslina

karma13 · Senior Member

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I got tired of doing or saying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I detached at first with no love and later I was able to detach with love. Changed attitudes can aid in recovery and I am able most of the time to have peace and serenity whether the alcoholics in my life are drinking or not. I couldn't do it alone, I had to get real honest to admit that, I tried self help, read countless articles. I tried therapists, twice. I never made any progress until I started going to alanon meetings. Blessings :)

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Greetings Leslina,

Just wanted to send you a welcome - keep coming back

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Leslina,

Welcome to MIP. You seem trapped in the same trap that many of us have experiences. I have made many deals with my alcoholic wife. I finally got to the point where I bought her wine, even though she and I knew she was an alcoholic, just because I knew that she would buy it for herself anyway. As karma said, nothing changes If nothing changes. And you now know that your husband won't be changing any time soon. he will remain manipulative, and now that you have started to rebel a little, he will likely just try to find some new way to manipulate you. I hate what alcoholism did to me, it took me from a trusting man into a horrible monster that got tired of being manipulated by the loving wife I once knew.

So I had to change something, since I knew that she wouldn't[. I went to Al Anon, and started understanding what had happened to her, and talking to others who had experienced this horrible disease. There I found people who understood, my family didn't understand, and much of her family is still in the grips of some kind of addiction.

You can also go to online meetings here. 9 AM 9 PM every weekday, a little different on weekends. Hanging in the chat room afterward is even better!

I hope you can get some help for yourself

Peace
Kenny

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Leslina:

Your words are familiar to all of us here. You are not alone. You will find a lot of support here and in meetings as well. I agree that you coming here to post is a very important first step. Keep coming back, we are here with you.

Mary

leslina · Member

I want to thank all of you for your encouraging comments and helping to make me feel comfortable posting on this website. I really value your thoughts and it's helpful to know that I am not the only one who has the experiences I do. Thank you!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You are so right, leslina. You are not alone and you are in the right place for encouragement, growth and support. Glad you're here.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.