My brother, drinking problem, but what if I am wrong? - Al-Anon Family Group

StillConfused · Newbie

My brother, drinking problem, but what if I am wrong?

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Stillconfused

Lets think about it. We see people everyday that consumes alcohol, gos to work, has a family and enjoys life in general. Now you see someone you might think has a problem with alcohol. Is there a difference? One of the questions in Al-anon is if you are effected in anyway by someones drinking there might be a problem. If your mind is tell you this I'm glad your here because you are not alone in your thinking.

As you talk about your brother....I see my son a long time ago. College, drinking, having fun and starting his wonderful life. Then came the DUI....then came the counselors...then came the hospital stays...then the detox centers..then the 2nd and 3rd DUI's. Also near death and finally prison.

I hope you seek out Al-anon and hit a few meetings soon. Might also read everything you can about alcoholism and learn what this disease is all about. This way it will help you decided if you brother has a problem or not.

Keep coming back because you are not alone

((( hugs )))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, SC: For me, the first sign that somebody has a problem with alcoholism/drug addiction is that I begin to wonder about it. I wonder about it because I am being affected by it. I start questioning what I am thinking, how I'm feeling, start getting confused, go back and forth between I'm right/I'm wrong and then I get terribly confused. Al-Anon is for family and friends of people who may have the disease. The program isn't for the problem drinker. The program is for those of us who are being affected by it. We suggest 6 meetings before you decide whether Al-Anon is the right program for you. At first, I didn't think so and now about 35 years later, I know it is and has been the right program for me. Please keep coming back and going to face to face Al-Anon meetings, too. It can make a big difference for you whether or not your brother stops drinking or continues.

StillConfused · Newbie

Thank you so much for getting back to me, it really means a lot. I am sorry to hear about your son, I can't imagine what that experience has been like for you.

Your question about the difference between the two people provided a lot of clarity for me. Someone who consumes alcohol functionally is happy, doesn't get a DUI and keep it such a secret.

I actually am very familiar with alcoholism... family members, professionally (I'm currently getting my masters in social work), friends... I have done a lot of reading. I think it got complicated (hence my name, still confused haha) with my brother because it's so close. In my opinion, he does have a problem. But isn't he the one who has to decide that for himself? I don't know what my role should be in this.

I wrote him a very thoughtful e-mail that I am planning to send him later today. I am also thinking about going up to him and speaking face to face.

StillConfused · Newbie

Thank you so much, grateful2be. I will try to find a meeting in my area for sure. I was having a moment and felt like I needed immediate responses, which brought me to this website. I can relate to the experience you shared, thank you for that.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

He has to decide that for himself in order to decide to get into recovery. He may or may not do this. Statistically most alcoholics never achieve longterm recovery. I say this not to be depressing but just to say that I held my breath waiting for my Alcoholic to start realizing and start recovering, and I was holding my breath for many years. He still has not done so. I wish I had investigated Al-Anon and started my own recovery without waiting. So you are already in a better position than I was! We need our own recovery because the alcoholic pulls everyone around into the insanity, and our own thoughts can be distorted too. You're already experienced it, thinking, "Is this normal? But .. but ... but ..." I know it well! So glad you've found us. I hope you'll read the threads, find a meeting, and keep coming back.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I know this is hard to hear, their disease is none of our business. He knows all too well and better about it than we do.

We can do nothing about their disease, they have to. If we interfere we are making it worse.

If he wants to talk fine but I told my AH it was his thing not mine. I loved him for a million reasons and chose to leave his disease to him. Becuz of this we were able to lie together longer.

he is going to lie to you and manipulate you. We rarely catch it till we are more seasoned.

His counselor has NO control over what he does. AS far as keeping his drinking in check??? He craves it and all the process of getting it. That is why he has to do it all himself if he gets to where he can quit.

I don't believe in this bottom thing one bit. There is no magic place or no miserable place they come to. Each A is different and bottom is different for everyone, plus not all have one at all!

its a complicated disease that we need to stay out of as it will make us sick too.

I just lovem, I don't take on their "stuff" or it will weaken me too.

keep coming!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I would think Al-Anon would also serve you well in the social work field? So much of what I've experienced in my own work can be related to alcoholism and addiction and I highly recommend learning everything one can learn about this destructive disease and how it affects the family while at the same time becoming active in a recovery program oneself. The nice thing about Al-Anon is that it is an anonymous program, so we get to leave our professional hats at the door and enter the rooms without expectations and no pressures. It is nice to be just one among many who have been affected by this disease and heal and keep healing as we do what is ours to do outside the rooms with our guests and/or our clients. I couldn't have continued my own profession without getting into and staying in Al-Anon. I am glad you are planning on going to some meetings. I think they can make a big difference for you on the long haul in my own personal and professional experience. It was one of the few places I could go where those present didn't immediately expect me to listen to all their problems and be "a rock" because of my own work. I was free in those meetings and still am. Few people know how I've earned my living and as one of my home group members said: "So many of us are best friends and we don't even know each other's last names." What a lifesaver for me.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 20th of June 2014 05:59:55 PM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

everyone here gave you very nice replies....i know something wrong is when i am bothered by something....yea, a person can go out, socially drink, be done w/it and no impact on anyone...the DUI thingy bothers me.......i have BOTH my bros. are A's......both have DUI's...well they had them...served out their penalty , but yea, when drinking becomes important to the person, and it messes up their lives, legal troubles, work issues., bothering or worrying family members, he could be an addict...a problem drinker.....someone who needs to get into aa meets and arrest this situation and learn new ways of thinking and living....

addiction has many faces....i have seen folks dependent on booze, yet they look "normal" in that they work, make good money, on the face of it their lives are "ok" but really that is temporary b/c the booze will take them down in the end

i am glad u showed up here, b/c you are gonna ned a lvel , balanced mind having an alkie in your close midst.....alanon is for US..its our "how to deal with life and the drunks around us w/out going under, mentally" alanon is to help us focus on us and nothing/noone else...your bro. you didn't cause this...never will you control his drinking and there is no such thing as anyone ever curing it....it is only in remission by HIS reaching out for AA and stopping, working his program and nobody, but nobody is gonna be able to help him but him and his higher power, working the program...

i did right coming here....you see red flags and you start questioning yourself b/c thats what we alanons do....we ?? our own good instincts...we don't wanna believe there is a problem, so we try to deny it or we try to say "oh it isn't that bad" ect....but the fact you see red flags, means there is a problem and i am glad you showed up here to voice your concerns....talking about it while you work a solid program will keep you emotionally sober and not affected by this horrible disease.....i love my bros., but i am unaffected by their drinking ONLY b/c I show up here and in the meetings and i keep the focus on me......

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