The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I have to admit that I have been hyper focused on AH ever since he started attending AA meetings over the last 2 weeks. It's like I'm waiting for some sort of sign to tell me he's safe to talk to again or that I can trust him with certain things again. You know, stuff like my emotions, my feelings, my soul, important stuff, LOL.
What has happened in the process is that it is becoming my new obsession and I am completely forgetting about my own program. I'm going to meetings but, in reality, I'm not staying on my side of the street mentally AT ALL. I am all up in his business (in my mind) and all filled with questions like: what will recovery look like for us? Does this mean I have to start trusting him all over again? I am not even sure I can like the man again, let alone find a loving feeling again......and on and on my brain goes. It's my own self created insanity, right?
I'm looking for advice on how you all handle early recovery when the A is going to daily meetings and is most likely going through their own emotional struggles as they learn more starting their program.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
(((Andromeda))) we don't give advise and we do give ESH...our own Experiences, Strengths and Hope. I never obsessed about what life would be like with a sober/clean wife because when I got into her business when she was in AA I out of lack of awareness, fear and jealousy got her out of AA. I didn't even know what alcoholism was or an alcoholic and told her so and that was just what the disease of addiction in her wanted to hear. She went on another 5 plus year run that almost killed her before she got into her own recovery and AA again. Messing around with his recovery can send him back out...I've seen that often enough.
How have you progress in Al-Anon...where are you with daily reading of the literature and a home group and the steps. Do you have a sponsor yet. If he is doing this recovery seriously he could be outrunning your recovery which has another set of problems like mine ...dragging her back into the drinking and using. You can read the shares of those here whose spouse is working a program while they are doing the same thing and see what results they are getting. I love the success stories new and old because that is the "H" for me in ESH. I get to be free of fear and confident that a power greater than myself is in control and working for our best outcomes which is real.
I suggest (what worked for me) finding a home group, one you can attend constantly and do service in also and that you get the literature...How Al-Anon Works and the daily readers and keep them close (My Courage to Change daily reader is 18inches from my hand now). Listen to the experienced women in your group and ask for sponsorship help...trust it. When it works it will work beyond your wildest dreams. Keep coming back here and grow your recovery with MIP also.
Me too Andromeda, I have to be really conscious about my thoughts and everyday I tell myself to 'stop it'!
I try to recognise that my husband is his own person, and that is where he needs to focus for now. That releases my focus to be elsewhere - but where!!!! So what about me? What am I doing? That question that you see from time to time 'what are you going to do?' really helps me. I definitely need other things to occupy my mind and have to make an effort to seek them out. Being with other people helps. Keeping my focus on me helps a lot. Living one day at a time helps a lot as well. For me this is a 'trusting HP' issue.
I can not tell what the future will bring or when nice new things will start to happen, especially if I leave it up to someone else to bring me the nice new things! I recognise that I would like to help my husband and that the very best thing that I can do in that regard is to be happy and doing interesting things for myself. I wouldn't much like it if I was trying to do something difficult, but was under a microscope at the same time, so I assume that it is the same for him as well.
Thank you so much for the reminder - today was a good day for me to think about this question
I am sorry to be such a downer but I found that I had to keep Living one day at a time, completely focused on myself, with prayer and trust in HP was a full time job for me. I would start my day with the dally readings, work the 3rd Step prayer and use slogans all day long to stay in my own hula hoop.
I was told not to expect too much from early recovery as the alcoholic must keep the focus on themselves, learn all new coping tools and often are "stark raving sober" and more insane than drunk. They no longer have the tranquillizer
That was a true statement and early sobriety was not a walk in the park. More reason for me to up my meetings, seek support from alanon and still not try to go to he hardware store for bread.
Acceptance is the key Take what you like and leave the rest
When I find myself doing the same thing over and knowing that it's not making me feel good about myself .. I turn left .. what I mean by that is I do something different to take my focus off of what I was thinking about .. in order to stop myself from asking my STBAX specific things or even if they popped into my mind .. this will sound weird .. LOL .. it is weird .. however it worked for me .. I will wear a rubber band around my wrist and it's usually a hair tie. I snap it .. it gets me to refocus on something else and that feeling or thought will pass. I don't do it as much as I did in the beginning because for me out of sight out of mind .. that is a blessing for me. When I had to deal with him daily .. I was able to at least keep my mouth shut and keep my mind from going in a weird direction. It really did help me especially in the beginning. When I got busy, .. I got better and also I really have had to let go of trying to control the outcome of the situation.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Well - What I think is that his recovery is going to push yours. It's going to feel strange that he will now be able to talk "our language" in terms of slogans and ideas....kind of threatening cuz I know you are talking about a person that uses words against you (at least he has in the past).
I think you already know as much as you need to about early recovery.
I think the issue for you is fear of the unknown. This is sparking you to have even greater faith, not necessarily in him, but in your HP, and in your ability to handle whatever comes down the pike. When your husband was still active in his addiction (and when he was just dry before that) - he was more predictable. Negative, annoying, narcissistic - but predictable. Recovery could take him in a million different directions. He could decide he doesn't want to be with you. You guys could grow closer. You might not like the recovering version of him either.... Lots of unknowns (even more now than before he was in recovery). Hence, I see your spike in anxiety as being caused by this and your answer lies in working your own program even harder so you replace all these fears with faith.
To answer Jerry's questions first: I have a sponsor, I go to 3 meetings a week minimum, I serve at my home meeting or whenever there is a need, and I do my daily readings as well as come here and read the step work boards, etc.
Thank you all for the support and ESH. I think Pink hit the nail on the head for me and I also heard someone speak about this in the meeting last night. She said that when everyone of her addicts was active, it was easy. You knew what they were going to do because addiction, as crazy as it is, is predictable. Recovery has so many unknowns. So, just when I thought I had it all figured out, there's a twist, a bend a in the road, and I don't know which direction is the path I am to take.
After a meeting last night and after posting here and praying about it, I realized that I think I need a new sponsor to help me get back into my program. Either that, or I need to reach out to more program friends on a regular basis. I don't feel like I am working my program well because I'm floundering and I only check in with my sponsor once a week, which just doesn't seem enough to me right now. It's something I know I need to pray about but I really need someone to give me other ways to work my program other than just do a reading a day and go to a few meetings. If I'm honest, I feel lost in program and like I'm just as much in limbo there as I am in my marriage.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
When I feel as you may be feeling (only based on your posts)....my inventory tells me I want to be in control, I want my life to be as I want it to be, I know better than my HP, I want to do my recovery my way, I am being prideful and I believe my life isn't working because of other people or experiences outside of me. I then know I need to be humbled, I need to get quiet, I need to listen, I need to let go, love the life I have, get right with God, get right with me and get right with others.
Just sending a little hello, Andromeda. Everyone said what I would have said. Good to see you here today and as BF says - sending you love and support.
Love what Paula shared. YES, that is part of it too! And, that is exactly what I felt last night before I went to be: that I need to be humble and to shut up and listen. Sometimes I just struggle in discerning what is the small voice of God coming from inside me and what requires action or what requires me to just sit and wait patiently for things to unfold. It's like I am physically ready for action, sitting on the edge of my seat, and I am just waiting for God to drop the checkered flag and say GO! But, I haven't heard that from him yet, or maybe I have and I'm just not listening. LOL! UGH, this just can't be easy, can it?
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
i wold make myself stick to my program....getting in his business could undo his program....it could be detrimental to him.....i would leave him be...work on me....if he makes it?? great..if he falls?? oh well, i am working on ME>......remember....i am powerless.....higher power is not..............why not let it go/turn it over to higher power?????
also when i am obsessing about another i am abandoning myself.....NOT alanon healthy...not gonna help me grow.......detachment is a big key here.....detach from all things outside of my own skin.....he is going to be immersed in his program.....if this were my AH, i would leave him alone, let him work his program....no questions about his program or "us" b/c he has all he can handle right now.....just saying...take what u can use and leave the rest....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Andromeda: I just had a thought: If the consistent question you turn in your mind is whether to stay or to go, maybe just the question needs to change? If so, is there a program question you can ask that might help you out of limbo?
Good suggestion Catherine. Since program recommends that we make no major life changes until the six first six months in program. Maybe it would be good to attempt to work the program with that goal in mind.
Grateful, the only thing that popped into my head was 'nothing changes if nothing changes'. What would be your suggested program question?
I like Betty's suggestion of basically going back to square 1 and starting to work my program harder than ever for 6 months(at least that's how I interpreted it, LOL) and then re-evaluate in 6 months and see where I am?
Thanks everyone for the feedback, it's truly wonderful to have the support I have here especially since my sponsor is out of town for the next 3 days!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
The one that is most helpful to me is just the 11th Step on a daily basis. God: What is your will for me today? is my most utilized question but its mine and not necessarily yours. It does help me get out of mental spinning that does happen when I'm considering an either/or option, too. But, again, that is my question and not necessarily yours.
Since "nothing changes if nothing changes" pops into your head, maybe there is a question hidden in those words for you that will help you move out of limbo? Again, I don't know. Just sharing what comes to me in response to your response to my response to your share.
