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It has been good so far having moved out. AH seems to have longer periods of recovery in between, however, he is still very prideful about being ok whenever I asked him to go AA or help. This week my kids are gone and my AH wanted me to go for a trip with him. Just driving out of town for the weekend. Not sure if I should go? Sometimes I feel like telling him "I will go if you attend aa tomorrow" or some other strings. I have to stop myself because it is my manipulative self trying to control the situation again. Of me saying "I know best".
I did go out for dinner with him a couple of days ago and it went much better than any dinner we had last 2 years! Should I just say no since he is not in recovery? Any past experiences would be good. Praying for wisdom too.
Thanks for the memories Sunshine...cause I've been there and done that myself...some times the "date" turned out good and the other times were like the "other" times. I had great sponsorship and one of those sponsors...the longest one...taught me on choices to choose the consequence I wanted first and then...make the choice. Since my life before Al-Anon was almost always reaction and luck this was way more responsible than anything I had ever done before. How do you want it to come out? ((((hugs)))) in support
Hi Sunshine. I have the same issues with my AH. I moved out in March. I find myself getting confused about what I need from him. We have gone out to dinner a few times and he always thinks it will lead to more...but it hasn't. I am proud of myself for resisting him even when I feel lonely. I have bribed him with dinner so he would give me money. He is also not in a program, but swears he will never drink again. Even when he isn't drinking, he is still doing things that I don't agree with. I know I cannot take the risk of living with him again. So, it depends on what your goals are. I have been given good advice here. Waiting a year is a good idea, in my opinion. If your goal is reconciliation, then go ahead and go with him...but if you still want him in AA and he refuses, I would advise detachment from him and waiting. It's hard, I know.
I think putting strings attached to anything is manipulative and is still part of the disease we have. Boundaries are different, they are grown up facts. If you dont want a relationship until he is in recovery properly then a boundary would be loud and clear and you would stick to your word through your actions. He would know that you mean what you say and say what you mean. Then he can choose what he wants to do. If he chooses to carry on then maybe he is telling you hes not finished with the drinking yet. Thats his choice then you have choices too based on the facts. Keep focusing on you, look at your own motives, what do you want?
One of my boundaries with AH is that I do not go on any trips with him. Whether it be a weekend away or whole week long holiday. I am not prepared to tolerate the anxiety around will he or wont he drink! Also wondering if I will end up bored stuck in the middle of nowhere without access to my usual support bag of goodies of friends, hobbies and interests. Plus paying a lot of money for this annoyance in the process!
I set this boundary a couple years ago and I felt great relief. The types of holidays we always had were along the lines of isolated cottages villas. Which was great for when we both had the sole interest of sitting and drinking ourselves into a stupor. But as a sober person now, this obviously doesn't float my boat!
Thanks everyone. I am not going then. I will have to tell him the boundaries loud and clear. Got to finish some work anyways. Have a great weekend everyone!
glad u saw the manipulative tactic......do you want to go w/him??? out of town??? if i had an AH back in my life (not gonna happen) but if i did, out of town trips would be NOT!!!!! and going out w/him???? can you drive if he drinks???? just a plain date can be "ok" or a disaster......i, myself, would never make trip w/an A.....as to a dinner date???? dunno ...that is choice up to you...can't tell anyone what to do, however since i don't go out with substance abusers on any level, maybe the others can weigh in so you have many e/s/h to pick from......glad you saw that u were manipulating him...that is very good recovery....seeing our mistakes and correcting them...then we become habitized to act healthier
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
My personal goal is to get really healthy, which I have no idea how long that takes, and only then can I make good decisions about my A. I worry much less about my spouse and try to keep the focus on me. I suffered a very long time from the effects of this disease. I can still get caught up in the insanity but it is fewer times and far between and for shorted periods of time. Gotta keep on working on my own recovery, Lyne
