Why do I feel like I have to answer their questions??? - Al-Anon Family Group

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Why do I feel like I have to answer their questions???

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Its okay to say that you dont want to talk about it. I can identify with the need to talk. When I was living with my ex I kept everything a secret and when I did tell anyone I went into it In too much detail and then felt guilty about it. Of course he wanted things kept quiet and since i was ashamed i did too. Since ive been in program I have worked on not gossiping about anyone really including my ex, I dont like how I feel when I do talk about him or others especially if its just to talk and be part of the gossip or chat. It can be part of the whole il tell you if you tell me. I remeber quite enjoying this kind of talk, but, im working on improving me, ive comitted to a program that says principles over personalities, so i cant indulge in talk for talking sake, ive got to be true to myself. I have noticed that im not as popular with the people who do this so i must be getting better at it, not perfect though. I talk to only a trusted few people these days if I want to go into detail and im mainly looking to share to release it and understand my own feelings.

I kept a connection with my ex for a long while too. I had to examine my motives and I discovered that I was struggling to let go, scared that if I did he would go and get a brilliant life somehow. I liked the idea of him in the background just in case I wanted him, the contact kept him with some hope we would get back together even though I had made up my mind really. I came to see that this was wrong, I was using him, my motives were not good and I needed to feel better about myself and cut the last string. It was scary and he turned it upa notch tryi g to get me back but I held firm and we both let go. He dived deeper into his disease for a short while and then he stopped and he works this 12 step program now and is so much better so it was the right thing to do.
Thanks for sharing and take what you like and leave the rest.x

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks el cee. I can totally relate to what you said. All of it. I want to stop gossiping too. I was also talking about a coworker last night that a lot of people have a hard time with. She is downright mean and angry. It was good to know others felt the same why I do, but I felt bad afterwards. Always asking myself why I gossip so much. It's hard to change bad habits, progress not perfection I guess!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Both of you have insights and questions that I am pondering, too. It is an ongoing process to figure out how little sharing makes me "stingy" (I had someone tell me that once), what is gossip, who I am in my relationships, how does my desire to please others show up, how does my "rescuer " show up, who is really interested in what I have to say and who is not. The revelations do come, in time. As I look back, I see how I have grown in my relationships, how I am able to enforce my boundaries and what/who I have been able to bless and release. This has not been easy for me, but the pondering, taking inventory and asking others for feedback has made a difference in my well being.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

since you got into talking, you are gonna have to ease back....just say you don't wanna talk about it and you want to focus on your work...

I NEVER go to work adn share anything but the most superfluous of thngs...like a horse race or i went swimming and had fun....real generic, real NON personal....work is for work....chat is for play....I just don't mix the two...i don't facebook w/co workers, I don't share intimate stuff about me/ my family/my friends, i keep it nice, cheery but professional

when one of my bosses teases me "have you got a boyfriend yet??" I just say nope, that is in creator's hands and i end it...i don't go any further....IF something impacts my job/work, then yea, a private share w/the owner would be appropriate, but my stuff is my stuff.....i don't get on social media w/ co-workers, that can be used against one...i also don't bring my troubles at work.....one can be real nice and helpful , but i keep the personal stuff at home unless i must say something to the boss.......

just my opinion.....work place fights happen more times b/c one worker uses info about another worker against them........it happens all the time.....

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Newlifegirl,

I answered because I was never taught that I had a right to say no, and I felt obliged to respond, I have only learnt here and in the rooms of alanon, that it is my right and my choice on if and how I want to reply, I am very conscious of gossip now and like that I have in my own hands the knowledge which helps me to stay grounded in my own thinking and refrain from participating, and I am always striving to stay true to myself, however I do have some very strong work mates that speak in very direct intimidating ways, which constantly keep me on my toes in practicing detachment, of course I don't always get it right and then I have conversations with myself on how much I revealed or how I think I was perceived, I am learning all the time and am stronger in my judgment of people these days and keep my conversations limited and use caution a little wiser.

regards

Katy

x

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The desire to talk to the ex: Well, that is an old habit that we all have to work on in Alanon: Not going to the hardware store for bread. I believe when your qualifier is a spouse or long term significant other, the dysfunctional roles are very VERY engrained and rehearsed. For years and years, we are looked upon or take it upon ourselves to check, monitor, "help", and support. Many of us have poured our entire being into this colossal effort only to find we couldn't make them stop drinking and change regardless. I believe part of the desire to "go back for more" is due to an obsession many of us have about having invested so much time and energy into the relationship already and wanting to see if our efforts did make a difference or matter. It's hard to admit and truly accept that years of that behavior did nothing to change the qualifier and it only hurt us. I think we also don't want to miss it if some miracle happens and true change occurs. We would kick ourselves for "not hanging in there." But in actuality, if true change did occur, it would happen for reasons beyond us and detachment is sometimes what allows the change to occur. There's been many examples on this board of how qualifiers got their act together more when separated and then upon reunification, they relapses/started up the drinking and associated behaviors all over again. Some of it may be worry because the qualifier will literally tell us/you "I cannot make it without you!" and "I need you." You call maybe because part of you believes he really does need you and will falter, fail, die...(whatever) without you. Inappropriate guilt is drilled into us from living with alcoholics. That is really hard to get over...

Letting go is hard. Especially after YEARS of being groomed into a certain role and YEARS praying and clinging on and holding out hope for change...

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Spot On for me Pink, that was my thought pattern!

regards

Katy

x

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

You are correct as always PC. What's hard is I am trying to make my AH understand why I still feel nervous about my daughter staying with him. When I tell him it's because he has only stopped drinking for about 2 months, and I have seen him drinking for 11 years, he tells me I am being negative and bringing up the past. I can never win with this man. In al anon one of the do' sand dont's says "don't keep bringing up the past." I find that difficult. The past is the only way I can protect my kids...it's why I left. I cannot predict the future. He tells me my middle daughter, who is not his child, has always wanted us apart. I can see why! She has seen way too much of him passed out and behaving badly. Once again, he points the finger at her. He tells me all I want him to do is grovel and be my puppy dog and beat himself up because of the past. There is no middle ground. Everytime I talk to him now, I feel like It is a waste of my time. I just got off the phone with him...just setting up a time for him to get my daughter turned into a debate. So glad to be able to come here and vent.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand. And it's hard to reason with someone with no real recovery program and that little "sober" time. In reality, it may be best to say something like "That is how I feel. I don't need to justify, argue, defend, or explain" it to you.

If he was capable of reason (which he isn't) he'd see that 2 months shaky sobriety hardly makes something "in the past." It is current. He is currently not functioning like a healthy adult. He currently has next to no track record of being a successful single or sober parent and that will take time to build up (if he is up to the challenge). Not sure your AH is even able to humble himself enough to grasp these basic concepts of how his behavior and its effect are current and not the past. Also his lack of humility and inability to truly see the effects of his drinking upon your trust, his parenting, and your relationship - that is also current. Sadly, I guess JADE is the tool to use because it doesn't sound like he's even remotely ready to take inventory of himself.

I can see how bringing up the past is a "Don't" in terms of specific events that would only be shaming and for which the A probably already feels like crap about even though they don't admit it. Also it relates to not holding onto grudges and resentments that would have us ruining our own happiness for today. BUT, I do not feel like it relates to your current trust level with someone based upon a combo of the past, current behaviors exhibited, and the duration of time that any positive changes have been reliably demonstrated.

It is ironic because in AA, we are supposed to not place demands on other people forgiving us. We are supposed to make amends and then leave the results up to the other person and to our HP as to when or IF we are ever trusted again. We are taught to not be demanding king babies and take hostages and make demands like we used to as drunks. Demanding that our qualifiers heal on a certain timeline is drunk (or at least dry drunk) behavior, not sober behavior. AND this is someone that claims they have been to enough AA to "know what to do" and that he doesn't need to go anymore. Hrm...

karma13 · Senior Member

I identify with this so much. My mom called me a few weeks ago and asked me how my husbands daughter is doing ? I said" I don't know you would have to ask him that. They are not in my hula hoop'. She said I thought they were. I said "No only I am in my hula hoop." I ask myself in all does conversations does this concern me? and is it my business? I think what you said is wonderful idea " thanks for your concern but I can't talk about my husband at work" that's your intuition talking to you, listen :) I don't talk to people that are not in the program about my personal life. I have tea party conversations with non program people or I listen a lot. I can't trust them to keep my anonymity. Pink chip was spot on about not going to the hardware store for bread. When I want someone to understand me emotionally and help me work through my feelings, I call someone in the program not my foo, husband or friends outside of the program. Nemesha gave good esh above as well...having non personal conversations at work..tea party conversations. example...how are you? I've been busy gardening, yoga, cleaning house, taking dog for a walk. How's your ex? I don't feel comfortable discussing my ex, I'm working on myself.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I had a hard time for awhile and I taught school. My kids were teens, I was a widow, need I say more?

anyhoo what I would say is "you know, I found out when I am at work all I have to do is think about work. Its a time I can leave everything else alone. Thank you for asking though." I mean be honest. YOu can say I figured out if I talk about it, it upsets me so lets change the subject, thank you for caring!

hope this joggles some help! I so get it. hugs!

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

PC what is JADE?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

This post reminds me of the first promise I heard and got in the program of Al-Anon..."If you keep and open mind, you will find help". Listen to it all is what I got and use what works for others for yourself. I heard a member one evening speak up and say "I will not speak about my alcoholic anywhere when he is not there to defend himself"...Wow...biggie and I took it with me and stopped talking about my alcoholic/addict for that reason all the time. I could and would repeat that statement when someone would bring up my wife or the relationship and the statement would end the problem. The ending statement of our meetings "let there be no gossip or ridicule of anyone..." also is strong for me as I have been able to extend it beyond the meeting and into the rest of my relationships. Stopping being judgmental also helped a lot and at first I had to consider that much of what I said was being that...I was filled with anger and resentment so it was all being judgmental. That was working the program and it helped so much. Change is hard because much of what I needed to change was habitual (addictive) and I didn't have substitute behaviors and choice back then. I didn't think about what I wanted to do and so I just reacted. When I learned more and did more I did better. You don't have to do anything you don't want to or like doing...Think first and then do rather than do first and feel the negative stuff. In support (((((hugs))))) smile

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

Thank you everyone for great sharing in this thread. It has been a great help to me.

To know my AH is not my business lifts such a weight off me. I can focus on me having a good day.

-- Edited by SunshineGirl on Friday 20th of June 2014 01:34:11 AM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

NewLife I'm not Pink .. however ..

JADE .. Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain ..

these are things I do not have to do when I make a decision to do something different for me .. so if you don't want to talk about it anymore .. you don't have to explain the why's.

Hugs S :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.