New Here: How can I mourn her when she is still alive? - Al-Anon Family Group

PaintItBlack · Newbie

New Here: How can I mourn her when she is still alive?

sadsusie · Senior Member

((((HUGS)))) (((paint)))

I am soooo sorry that you are having to go through this. It is a vicious disease. I understand completely how you could wish it to be over already. Over for you and over for her. Hope? I am not sure about that myself. I think you have a very normal and healthy desire to mourn her. The disease has stolen her from you already, whether she is alive or not. You are not at all cruel or heartless - Alcoholism is. It is a tease. You are taking care of yourself. I am proud of you. hang in there, and keep coming back to these boards. You will find a family who has been through much of what you have been through, and we already love you. I think you will learn to love us as well. Keep coming back.

PaintItBlack · Newbie

Thank you. More than I can say, I thank you. I have been appalled with myself for feeling this, but the wish doesn't go away. To have someone say that it is a normal, even a healthy response literally brought tears to my eyes. To be completely honest and have the response be understanding and not accusation-- I needed that. Thank you for your kind words. Take care, and be well

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear paintitblack,

Good morning chick and so glad you were able to come here to our wonderful site and share your heartfelt turmoil, there is so much love in your posting and I can so identify with your feeling of your wanting it to end, loving an active alcoholic is a nightmare, and it brings out so many despairing feelings, and thoughts we are guilty of having, I have had them too and have felt bad about myself for wanting my brother gone when he was deep in his addiction, alanon and the people here taught me how to cope and to find other ways to channel my feelings in a healthier way, I am sure deep down alcoholics know we love them, they just become so lost in their addiction that nothing else matters, but you are hurting right now and taking this personally, the three c's helped me, I didn't cause it. I can't change it, I can't cure it!.

The nature of this decease wants us to feel this tug of guilt, because it thrives on our feelings to enable, we are deeply loving people with huge hearts and somewhere along the line this gets distorted, and we begin to lose ourselves, you are doing some very positive things, in the light of what your dealing with, and understanding what things you just have to do for yourself to stay strong, and I believe there is always hope, I could not stand my brother when he was drinking but I loved him, the week before he died he phoned me and he was very abusive, I managed to say I have not liked you a lot of the time John, but I have ALWAYS, loved YOU!

You are not alone my friend, people here will understand like no one else can, much love xxx

Katy

x

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You have already received a taste of the loving, understanding, non judgmental responses contained within this group. I am sorry for your agony. You are not alone. As soon as possible, find a local al anon meeting and beginning attending as many as you can. In those rooms you will find the same responses you experienced here. You can learn to accept your feelings, your sisters disease and love anyway with healthy boundaries in place for you. Keep coming back...there are also online meetings here that you can participate in, if you choose. Take good care of you!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Paintitblack Welcome to our supportive Miracles in Progress family. I do hear you and so understand the pain, and confusion, that you express. I too have spoken the same words and felt the despair, and anger at the disease in my beautiful son. . Alcoholism is a dreadful, fatal disease over which we are powerless. Alanon is a fellowship of people who live with or have lived with this disease and who understand as few others can. Just because we are powerless over this disease , it does not mean that we are helpless. Alanon offers, face to face meetings in every community in order to help break the isolation caused by living and coping with alcoholism Here I learned to develop new tools to live by and accept that I was human and could love my son but not fix him. Alanon gave me the tools and the meetings and fellow members gave me the support I so desperately needed .

Reading alanon literature, attending face to face meetings, Living one day at a time, focused on myself helped me to 'see" and continue to love my son while taking care of myself.

Please search out face to face meetings and attend and keep coming back here for the love and support you deserve. You are worth it

PS I too "painted it black "before alanon and today with alanon's help I can see the beautiful rainbow and colors in the world.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Paintitblack, I hear much kindness and more compassion in your post than most would have for a sibling with stage 4 alcoholism (which is basically as bad as it gets). I believe what you are viewing as heartless, selfish, and cruel (wishing for her end in some ways) may also be merciful. Have you thought about how it might be mercy and not all those other things? It's not for me to decide all your motives but to me, it didn't sound like you are selfish, cruel, or heartless in any way. If that was the case, why would you even post here? You wouldn't....because you wouldn't care.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I know what it is like to mourn while the body still lives...Oh my two brothers are not quite at that point, but headed there....i dn't think it was cruel for you to want it over b/c you see the suffering she is doing...nobody wants to see any one go down the tubes like that....

I love my brothers but at a distance w/boundaries..its the only way i can "deal" when they are MIA due to the booze and drugs.....i love, but i am ready , prepared to let go when the time comes

i hope you can get into meetings, work the 12 steps and slogans and read the literature so you can keep level within you.....she is at end stages , it appears...when organs start to go, its only a mater of time adn their personality, their core person goes with it....b/c it eats their brain as well.......

i would just love at a distance..u said if she sobers up/reaches for help u would be there....I think she is fortunate to have a loving sister like you...your whole post spoke of love, compassion, desire for her to want help, but if she refuses help, death will embrace her and i hate to say this but it usually is hard on the ones left behind......

so sorry you are facing this.....having to detach from a loved one b/c they are killing themselves.....alanon will help you find the love, compassion and support YOU need to live each day sanely....losing a loved one, you get mad, sad, grieve, and you finally move on, but you never really get over it, a senseless death, especially, but you come to a place where you can move on, build your life inspite of it with alanon....but you never completely get over a loss like this...but you CAN live ok and you CAN build a new life in alanon................i hope this post made sense.....woke up way too early this am and have to work........

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I can so relate to what you are thinking and how you are feeling. You want her pain to end and you want your pain to end, too. We didn't sign up for the disease of alcoholism to destroy our loved ones and yet we are faced with it and try as we might, we simply are hard pressed to accept it as it is when we see all the destructiveness of it. Mourning comes with many layers and many ways of dealing with it. My husband, my son, my marriage and some of my sibs and people I have been close to in my lifetime have been or are being destroyed by the disease. There is nothing I can do about it and I have hated that truth at times. I have danced my pain, drummed my pain, written and shared my pain and thought everything I thought and felt everything I felt - all very similar to what you have shared here. Acceptance comes hard sometimes as does the willingness to admit my powerlessness - not once, but many, many times. I have learned to let go of judging myself for how I think and how I feel and going for help among people who get it and have been there - just like you. Please be gentle with yourself as you allow yourself the space to be who you are and to feel what you feel. You are not alone and neither is your sister. Your HP and hers are present to you both in ways you might not see now, but I trust will in time. Mercy is a very good word that PC has used. Mercy has wide arms and a soft, soft chest to beat on when we need to do it. Mercy has room for all the human thoughts and feelings we each have at different times. Mercy looks for the good in us and the good in our loved ones and delights in it. If you must do a war dance, do it. If you must sing a sad song, sing it. If you must scream out your pain, drum out your pain, paint or put your pain in poetry, do it. Nobody will judge you. We get it, sister. We get it. (((PIB))) Many prayers for you and for your sister. Let go. Let be. Let God. Let growth. Joy always follows sorrow. Always.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 19th of June 2014 08:41:35 AM

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

When I read your post, with tears welling up in my eyes, I didn't read cruel, heartless and selfish; your heart shouts out the love you have for your sister. I'm sorry. It is a terrible thing to say out loud with witnesses that you wish it would just be over and done. I feel for those with immediate family members who can't walk away from their A as easily (though it wasn't easy) as I did from my ex-husband alcoholic. I only knew mine for 3 years, you've known your sister your whole life.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

OH dear, that is so hard yet I completely understand. I used to feel this way about my alcoholic father. You love your sister and there's nothing wrong with that, you are tired of watching her slowly kill herself. Truly, we understand here. You've gotten wonderful support here and many have said what I would say, too. I'm so sorry you are hurting. Sending you hugs and support across the internet today.

Mari1978 · Senior Member

((PIB))

My best friends mother is an alcoholic nearing fourth stage. My older sibling suffers an addiction to which I don't know the exact nature. I have 3 daughters, the older 2 have a father that suffers and is fourth stage alcoholism, and the little one's father is in recovery. Yes, do paint the disease black. Keep carrying the colourful memories of your sister with you. The best thing we can do for our loved ones is take great care of ourselves. I agree with PC, that mercy seems to be where those thoughts come from. You are not alone. Please keep coming back and reaching out. It is through Alanon that I myself have found some peace and began to find joy back in my life regardless of what the A's in my life do.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I thought this many times about my ex and it wasnt for your compassionate reasons. I couldnt see any other way for it all to end. There is a woman in my home group and its her brother too, alanon helped her with how the disease impacts on her, she can live a happy and full life even though her brother is killing himself. I suggest looking for your nearest meeting.x

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

oh dear! I remember feeling just as you do more than once. Exactly. It takes as long as it takes.

Even once I felt like that about someone close who was dying. His end time was very long (to me). During that time, I was able to be with him without judgement. Our love was our companion as we spent time together. I just had to show up. Thank you for reminding me of this.

Sending you support as you go through this very very difficult time.

mynewlife · Newbie

PaintitBlack - I am also new here and have not posted since my introduction, although I read everyday, however I felt compelled to respond to your post. First (((hugs))) and second, thank you for your honesty and for having the courage to share your thoughts. I have the very same thoughts but have not had the courage to share them.

My soon to be 35 year old brother has been an alcoholic since his teenage years. As they say, alcoholism is a progressive disease and that has been the case with my brother as well. He has been in and out of ICU due to the severe withdrawals that he suffers the minute he does not have alcohol in his body. I have seen him slowly deteriorate over the past several years, he can hardly walk due to nerve damage caused by alcoholism and vitamin deficiency. An ER doctor told him last year that he will be dead in 3-4 years if he continues to drink. He is literally a shell of the person that I used to know. I finally told him six months ago that I didn't want any further contact with him and that my children would no longer have contact with him because I couldn't handle the chaos and insanity his alcoholism has brought to my FOO. I also could no longer endure the pain of watching him slowly kill himself and the helplessness that accompanied it. I told him that I loved him and if he ever stopped drinking to call me. He lives with my A father and enabling/codependent mother and this has been a very unpopular decision (I am currently NC with my A father and mother), but I couldn't allow myself or my FOC to drown with my FOO. Like your sister, my brother has been "dead" for many years, really all that remains is his physical being. It is so, so, sad, I wait for the "death" call everyday and I have tried to prepare myself for the day it comes. There are some days when I wish he would just "get it over with" because I think his hell on Earth will have finally ended and he will then be in the hands of my HP. Then I give him over to my HP and pray that my HP give me the strength to live my life "one day at a time".

Al-anon has been a lifesaver for me....I am sending you support and much love, this is such a horrible disease........

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Our situations are different yet the same.

My husband and I were friends, lovers, parents, married all my life. He was a beautiful muscian, he and a guitar were one.

He sang to me, treated me so well. spoiled me and I him. I found him the ultimate man for me when I was 17.

So I get the loss you are speaking of.

I would want to call him, see him but when I did it was awful. We call it going to the hardware store for bread. I got it in my head the man I wanted to talk to was dead. My much adored husband was dead. That which was/is in his body is a monster disease.

For me it took awhile of course but that is how I mourned him. The man I knew as no one else ever has is dead. Sure i missed him and what a nightmare to see him walking around but that is not him. After awhile, coming here getting support I made it over the hump to know where that person in his body does not hurt me at all anymore.

In fact I only think of or remember my funny sexy husband who could be an idiot folding cloths and putting my underwear on his head! I remember him coming home in his work van with it full of flowers for me to plant. how he started my jeep in the morn for me when it was cold, sending me flowers at work, and me waking up saying, "There is a naked man in my bed!" lol I was widowed about 19 years before we married. (another sad story ugh)

I am a happy person today becuz of mip and the people here. I live al anon every day, even though I had to divorce my AH. The skills and truths have changed my life for the better and I know how to deal with almost every situation with life and people.

hugs honey, keep coming!

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I just want to add that I totally understand how you feel and I felt guilty at first too. It is hard to watch someone destroy themselves and not be able to do anything to change that fact. It would be more merciful if it were just over, since that is the direction it is slowly going anyway. I finally got the courage to say what I felt, put it into words.... and I found out it is quite a common feeling among those of us in AlAnon.

PaintItBlack · Newbie

Oh my goodness. I turned on my computer this morning and couldn't believe how much love and compassion I was met with here. It is entirely overwhelming. It's such a sensitive topic for everyone involved that I've never really talked openly about it. Certainly not without the knowledge that anything I say may get twisted around and inadvertently escalate the already tense family dynamics. We all walk on eggshells. This is overwhelming. Thank you all. Every one of you.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((PIB))) We're in this together. You certainly aren't alone. Thank you for your share and for your follow up, too.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Paint and welcome again to the MIP family and board. I understand what you have shared. The hate I built and misdirected at my alcoholic/addict wife consumed me and there was time when my reaction almost cost her, her life while the disease was taking it at the same time. Just a smidgen of what I learned early on in Al-Anon is that alcoholism is a disease, a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body. It can never be cured and only arrested by total abstinence. It is a progressive disease that if the alcoholic were to stop for a period of time and then restart it would be as if no period of sobriety ever existed often it would be worse. The alcoholic has but three choices, sobriety, insanity or death. We too are as affected as the alcoholic with the exception that we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality so often times it is worse...we also have the same three choices, serenity, insanity or death. If found out my wife had an incurable disease and to me she became a very sick person bordering on the doors of death...police, hospitals, institutions. She ceased becoming a bitch to me and became a very ill woman. You don't hate those with incurable disease....you can hate the disease and love the person anyways. I screamed and fought and battered and surrendered finally and found myself in the Al-Anon Family Groups for friends and family of the alcoholic. I sat down, listened, learned and practice what the others had learned and practiced what the MIP family practices.

Let me share an early promise them made to me which never has stopped coming. I also had guilt and anger against my spouse. I didn't know how to love or forgive and the fellowship promised. "Let us love you until you learn to love yourself" and because we understand "we forgive you". That is yours now. The love and acceptance has already started and you didn't need to flip a switch all you had to do was show up with courage.

You said you used to drink with her? Want to hear what those who have been taken down by this disease and who are learning how to live life on life's terms without a drink in their hands and a clammy need for it? Take yourself and her, if she is not resistant to an open AA meeting. Ask her to join you just to sit and listen, without expectation...she will or she won't...go anyway. Listen. This is the mother of all life threatening diseases...while she drinks it takes down her and others who are attached to her who don't even drink at all. Just a suggestion. Regardless of the AA invitation look up the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and call that to find out where and when we get together in your area and then come first chance you can. Same requirement...sit down and listen and keep coming back.

This is a family deal...welcome to the family. (((((hugs))))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.