Anyone have a shopping problem as a coping mechanism? - Al-Anon Family Group

lucymae · Member

Anyone have a shopping problem as a coping mechanism?

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I think your right about alanon helping, takjng an honest look at us and our motives frees us. I can understand, I can get obsessive compulsive about things, some healthy and good, others not good. Before alanon I was a smoker, used food to comfort myself, anythjng for a short term buzz. Working the program has made me see this and ive stopped smoking, taken control of my finances and comforting eating, ive grew up and took responsibility and looked within for happiness. Study the spiritual program.x

karma13 · Senior Member

I used to have a big problem with this..I have made progress. I never took my husbands money, as we keep our finances separate. I know I used to get a mini thrill out of shopping especially if I was down or depressed. It put a temporary bandage on it, but it always came back the pain. I find as I keep working my program, I am feeling I need a lot less material to keep me happy. I'm realizing nothing material can make me happy and other people can't make me happy. I am responsible for my own happiness. Sometimes I still get the itch to shop, it is a addiction, I have started strictly shopping at thrift stores for most of my stuff. That way if I want to shop at least I'm being frugal. I also have a lot of house plants and cactuses. I like the commitment to caring for them and I have something to show for my money spent. Caring for them keeps me busy and helps me stay where my hands are. Hugs n Blessings :)

-- Edited by karma13 on Tuesday 17th of June 2014 02:11:45 PM

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

I do this, too. For me, it was about fear and not having enough in the future if I were to leave my AH. He is the breadwinner and I haven't worked in 15 years so I would buy something and say to myself, "Well, I better invest in this now because I won't be able to afford it in the future." Basically, it was a 'lacking' thing and I was trying to fill the holes that I saw coming in the future. While I think there was some truth to why I was doing it, I think I went overboard and it became a compulsion and that's when I turned to my sponsor to help keep me accountable.

I'm not as bad about it now and when I buy stuff now, I hold onto it for a week or so in the bag with the receipt and I decide later if I should return it or keep it. Many times I return something and think, "Why did I buy that in the first place?" and then I get mad at myself about wasting the gas returning the item, LOL. It's all a lesson for me and I'm grateful that I am not a big spender. I shop bargains and sale racks and even thrift stores but I know that the compulsion could lead to trouble down the road so I am working with my sponsor to nip it in the bud now before it becomes an expensive habit.

I also think I had to start talking to myself about how my HP is enough and how I am enough just as I am. I have to use a lot of self talk and positive reinforcement. I set limits on myself and I, now, many times can walk into a tempting store and not buy anything. I am learning how to become a window shopper.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

"RETAIL THERAPY" that was my drug of choice for a LONG time....I lived for the weekend garage sales....thrift shopping....(i was frugal for the most part) but oh yea, the high of shopping...feeling like i am in control...oh yea

now as i grow in my program , I still love to buy me things, but i buy what i need AND if it is a want, i sleep on it, think on it and if i can afford it, i go ahead and buy it......

not anywhere near as bad as i used to be.....sometimes it is OK to put aside for a real treat...a want...but for the most part, i ask me "do i really need this??" or "will i wear this enough to make it worth it???" i do think now

its just a part of instant gratification....needing that comfort thingy....if it wasn't that , it was organic M&M's....or organic oreos....oh yea, instant fix.....MUCH less now

sad_dog_mommy · Veteran Member

I love the high I get from shopping. The thrill of a super duper bargain (or a coupon) makes me happy. I also LOVE to shop for other people so I kind of have an addiction to giving gifts. Maybe that is an offshoot of the co-dependency?

I have way too much 'stuff' in my house and more clothes than I could ever wear. I am trying to clean my 'emotion closet' and my 'real' closet at the same time. Now I get a similar giddy feeling when I take bags of donations to the Humane Society thrift store.

Be kind to yourself (and your inner child) with something other than 'things'.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not a big shopper, so I can't relate to this. I am a person, however, who has seen ways in the past to get even with somebody for hurting me and one of those ways was to leave and go do something I know they didn't want me to do. I've outgrown that and Al-Anon has helped with that, too. I have found other ways to address hurts with people that often includes going straight to them and saying what is bothering me and why and seeing what happens from there. I'm not big on getting even (although that exists in me just like it does in all people), but I am big on bringing what is troubling me to that person and trying to talk it over with them before I make a new decision in relationship to them.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I also am not a big shopper but about 8 years ago I had a gambling problem and when it was easy to gamble online I didn't have to get a a car and go anywhere so it got quite bad. As I was getting into more financial problems I knew this had to stop. Back then I didn't know of any help so just telling people about it, admitting my problem, acknowledging my triggers I was able to overcome it with time. I do gamble once or twice a year but I only take out money that I know I'm going to lose, go with another person, don't take my debt card and when it's gone it's gone. Sometimes I would come home with more that I took but that's far and few between.

Start being honest with yourself, admit you are powerless and your life has become unmanageable. Al-anon is for families of Alcoholics but you can adapt it to you situation. Seek out support groups online and I also found some sites online that give great information about it and advise.

Take care .....it all starts with you.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It took courage to admit that. Huge step.

Myself I am fortunate to not have addiction in me. My first thought was, so if you like it, if it fills a need, then can you set a limit on it? Decide what you can afford, what you need, and stop.

I used to have money. When AH's disease went nuts and I ended up with everything to pay for, and he ruined my credit, it was hard to figure out how to budget.

Would think ok this is food I am going to get food. then not have enough for power. Now i have learned to pay the few bills first, 4 of them right now, then get food and feed.

Still am barely stretching my food to the next pay time, once a month. Lotsa days I only eat one time.

um do you feel it is an all or nothing? Are there other things that might fulfill you? What do you believe is causing this problem? What makes you do it? Or more what makes you choose to?

I need stimulation. Get excited when I get a new book and excited when i go to bed and read first. I splurge and buy a paper once in awhile. I like good food, I mean healthy stuff. Of course I have my animals but I don't take on more than I can handle. I have a limit.

What is in your life you are trying to fill up. Just throwing questions to help ya think.

AGain I am impressed you said it here and you are wanting to change it. That is a lifetime of a habit!

It may be your "calgon take me away!", but no one can live in a bathtub forever! hugs!

lucymae · Member

Thanks to you all for the love and support. Yes, this is a real hard impulse to fight but I don't have to do it alone. I think of the three A's in Alanon. Awareness, Acceptance and Action. I think I'm working all three.

Thanks for all the questions too. Gives me lots to think about.

Lynn

slowlearner · Veteran Member

I do the same thing. It's a quick fix for the pain and emptiness i feel inside. I find that the more I feel stressed and my A is out of control as if buying a new shirt is going to make everything better or have him pay attention to me. Now I has a closet full of clothes and nothing has changed lol. I am now setting one goal a day to take care of myself in a healthy way. Good Luck and God Bless.

barbaralewis · Veteran Member

I have been guilty of going shopping when I was angry....one day someone called the house & asked where my daughter and I were and told me that my husband replied, " They're out shopping against me".

so yeah, funny but not funny....that made me rethink my actions/responses....and i quit doing that.

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