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K so today I am accepting responsibility for placing my trust into someone that was "showing" untrustworthy behavior. I am just wondering about moving forward. How will I know I am trusting the correct people? Would you think it would be if you set a boundary and they accept it?
K so today I am accepting responsibility for placing my trust into someone that was "showing" untrustworthy behavior. I am just wondering about moving forward. How will I know I am trusting the correct people? Would you think it would be if you set a boundary and they accept it?
you know when you learn to follow your instincts and by working program......you have rreally, majorally grown just the time I have seen you so no worries about you not growing in program and yea, if u set boundary, one indicator is that they respect that boundary, if they don't, it is a big red flag.......nice post, Truth
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I think you will heed red flags faster. It's okay to trust again, but now you will just be quicker to back off when it doesn't seem right. It doesn't need to be a major incident to be thinking "Hrm. Don't think I'll be hanging out with that person." There's a balance. You don't want to have rigid boundaries either because that will isolate you from others. Most folks are good and don't mean to intentionally harm you.
I've learned in boundary setting with some that it is important for me to say what I mean, mean what I say and don't say it mean. If I've said something on the order of:
"Friend, when you make fun of my weight or what I wear or how I look, that is hurtful to me," I am giving the person the benefit of the doubt because they may not be meaning to injure me but more to just tease playfully thinking I'll understand them and that they truly don't mean any harm. If that person repeats the same kind of stuff (and my example is only that - kind of a surface thing), then I feel myself moving away from them but I am still believing that they mean no harm and I understand it takes some time for folks to make a shift. This time, I might just look at them with no smile, etc. and no words. If that person continues the behavior for a third time, then I will assume they are doing it on purpose, they do intend to cause harm because they know it hurts. At that time, I will set a new boundary that is different than the first and there is no more willingness on my part to give them benefit of the doubt. They might not respect my "no," but I do. I often remove myself from their presence. I can't change them, but I can change who I spend my time with and I don't like to be with people who purposely wound others no matter what their issues or problems.
I do have to admit I am still quite hurt that my boundaries are not respected by him or the people that he surrounds himself with. I will work through it though.
I think you will heed red flags faster. It's okay to trust again, but now you will just be quicker to back off when it doesn't seem right. It doesn't need to be a major incident to be thinking "Hrm. Don't think I'll be hanging out with that person." There's a balance. You don't want to have rigid boundaries either because that will isolate you from others. Most folks are good and don't mean to intentionally harm you.
wow...mark says in one neat little 3 sentences what it takes me all day to say, LOL....love this reply....and yea, at first i let NOBODY near me, but that receded over time...the walls became fences and like mark says....i would observe...do less talking and more listening/watching and yep, if i saw an "icky" thing or felt "icky" about something?? I backed off.....and i agree...most folks are ok and don't mean intentional harm...as i become willing to surrender to love over fear, I see it more clearly....thanks mark, i needed to see this too
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
This is the part I am confused about. I get accused of manipulating when I set a boundary. How is saying "no" manipulating?
"NO" is not maniuplating....a lot of folsk will toss guilt at you to try and break your boundaries/get you to modify or let them back into the old crap....dont fall for it...if u mean "no" and it is right??? stand to it....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I do have to admit I am still quite hurt that my boundaries are not respected by him or the people that he surrounds himself with. I will work through it though.
yep..i have no doubt you will...........the three A's............you are aware.....seems you accept.....now comes ACTION....good action
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you I am always so confused about that. Now I understand what his mom does. She starts this whiny voice when I say no. Is that so you will feel guilt?
Truth: What another person says about me isn't my business. I know when or if I'm manipulating when I check out my own motives, validate myself and let go of whatever another person says about me or what I'm doing or not doing. Nobody truly knows except me and my HP no matter how much somebody thinks they know me better than I know me. I don't have one friend who ever tells me I'm trying to manipulate when they ask me a question and I answer no or when they want to come over and I say no or when they ask me if I want to do something and I say no. The only folks who have a problem with my nos are those who want me to say yes and I don't want to. You are doing just fine. Don't let bs'ers get the best of you if that's what happening for you? Anybody busy taking my inventory has their focus misplaced. If I'm taking somebody else's inventory, then my focus is also misplaced. I can change my focus and I can remove myself from someone's presence who can't or won't change theirs. I also have to make sure I'm not sending mixed messages. (((T)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 15th of June 2014 04:40:25 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 15th of June 2014 04:41:03 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 15th of June 2014 07:22:35 PM
That's where Al-Anon always comes in and helps me do what I need to do for myself and let go of the rest. I can't make other people stop pushing boundaries but I sure as heck can erect them and stick to them and Al-Anon gives me the courage and the fellowship to do it and to stick with it. 100 people can push at my boundaries and all it does is help me stay firmly planted in my No. I say it once. I mean it once. I don't change it. My HP gives me what I need to remain true to myself. The outer pressure is simply a means for me to strengthen my wings. The outer pressure can actually be my friend because it helps me strengthen my "NO" muscle when I truly mean "NO." I don't have to explain it. I just have to say it. That's all that is mine to do. I have had about 66 years of life experience and in those 66 years, I've had lots of practice with the word "no." It comes more easily tripping off the tip of my tongue and I seldom even look back to see how people are responding or reacting to it. Keep on practicing, Truth. Good for you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 15th of June 2014 07:24:02 PM
