LIAR LIAR .. (VENT!!) - Al-Anon Family Group

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

LIAR LIAR .. (VENT!!)

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I think no contact would be a good idea serenity. Have your expectations went a bit off kilter? He is not gojng to behave any differently, hes an alcoholic, behaving like an alcoholic. Its hard when our kids are invovled, we want to protect them but it might be that the best way to protect them is to set an example. If the kids expect different things from him then they are going to spend a lot of time disappointed , angry and frustrated, like you. Giving away your serenity is a choice, show the kids the calm, focused person you are. Is his behaviour anything new really? It is unlikely to change, your reaction to his behaviour can be changed and when youve cracked it the kids will learn it too.x

-- Edited by el-cee on Sunday 15th of June 2014 02:15:10 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I didn't know who "she" was for awhile! I thought ok she, then ya said almost xah, then I thought so you left A and are now with a woman? NOT judging just trying to figure it out. lol

wow great vent

all i'm gonna say is, we cannot control anyone but ourselves. I see you are talking action.

hugs! carefully! (c:

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, sounds like no contact is the best way to protect your serenity. He's an A, what are YOU doing to do for YOU and your kids to stay on your side of the fence and out of Crazytown?

Sending you a big virtual hug!

GE

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

No my expectations are perfectly fine .. the expectation that his mother was dying based upon the information I received to find out that no she's ok and this was his way of getting out of his parenting responsibilities was just validated for me. He was going for sympathy and wants me to "back off" with the judge and attys .. guess what .. NOPE that's a wrong expectation for him to have.

ROFLMAO .. OMGOSH .. Deb .. Noooo .. still straight .. his Mom is the one in the hospital and the "her" I'm referring to .. I'm just a little hot about his excuses and behavior. Thankfully his mom didn't try and make excuses for him .. she started to and I did say we're going to stop this conversation now. She knows .. it is what it is .. and those children should have seen her MUCH earlier than they did.

Hugs S :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It's not right or fair but you are dealing with someone not right in the head. Natural consequences of being a bad father are that your children won't respect you. That is already happening. Natural consequences of not being able to act like a grown up are legal problems and living with mommy again.

I am not sure you need to do much else. Does he still have a job?

I can see that the worst thing is he had you all thinking Grandma was literally on her death bed. That was pretty awful as it directly pertains to the children. Dunno if it was so he could drink all day or what. If he is that sick though, do you really want the kids around him seeing what a mess he is? Maybe HP is looking out for you guys....not trying to make excuses for him.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

You know Pink .. he's just so messed up and confused .. he still has a job. I don't known if it's the drinking .. and I will know if he's drinking in terms of if I get crazy texts today .. I'm not texting him is putting it mildly.

He is still able to hide how bad it is really .. that's the part that really shocks me .. is the denial of his own family as to what is going on. Now I have stayed out of that because if I get involved you know they will blame me. Crazy is starting to show .. his just winds up when he goes to the 7th floor so the more I stay out of it .. the more he winds up looking nuttier than a fruit cake.

For how long is another question of him having a job .. I haven't mentioned that he's 10k behind in child support according to the state .. can you imagine how that is going to go down? He will be informed of that on our court date .. he's going to have a melt down.

I do want the kids to see him because I want the break (the good news is he is scared to drink around them .. the last time he went to jail and there is a court order that he can't drink .. now I know that doesn't make a difference HOWEVER he knows enough NOT to be around the kids as they will call me and I will call the police. So that keeps him scared enough to know if they suspect .. he's in big trouble). .. if this is bad .. can you imagine how bad it's going to get? It's going to get worse. After the court date .. he has the kids that weekend AND it's his holiday weekend .. my daughter and I have talked and she has mentioned maybe they don't need to go that weekend and I'm OK with that big time. The last time we went through this .. I mean I am telling you I can clock how bad he's going to get. Part of the good news is .. he has a slide and appears to get better .. obviously he slides again .. the nice thing is there is a point of he comes around.

It also means that if he's going to drink it's just like you say .. his rejection is God's protection. It just makes me so upset for the kids .. you know they don't reach out a lot to him .. and this was a big deal for them to see him on Father's Day especially since he interfered with my Mother's Day .. so they are not happy with him. They are having a good day anyway .. and that's what counts.

Hugs S :)

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

It is sad and hard to accept that our kids have these emotinally absent, sick fathers. Its such a loss and puts the pressure on us mothers even more, kids take the lead from us, I do get it serenity, sorry if I sounded judgy earlier.x

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I get tired of being the one who is suppose to have these low expectations while he just does what he wants to do because he's "sick" and can't cope.

I get that I can't expect him in any way to have healthy functions .. it just gets very old and trying to continually explain and excuse to their dad because sorry .. dad's sick and can't emotionally be there feels like an excuse even if it is a fact.

It's so sad .. I watched my daughter and my son just try and rationalize something they shouldn't have to rationalize .. realizing that their dad lied to them about being able to take them to see their grandma. Realizing that he obviously has other plans in terms of what is and isn't important and Father's Day .. even just for a couple of hours .. just isn't important. That is REALLY sad.

So the good part of all this is how far I've come .. I can come here and say some pretty bad things .. LOL .. however it is how I feel .. I know my feelings aren't facts and that is HEALTHY AND NORMAL to feel outraged over the fact that a dad just up and checks out. Sick or not .. he's made a choice .. healthy or not .. it is a choice. Now can I change that fact? No, .. I can't and I know this logically and even in my heart because I can only change the things I can .. which is me and how I react to things.

My dark fantasies aren't as bad as they used to be and I can play them out in my mind knowing .. it's nothing I would act on .. if I had the money .. LOL .. YES .. I would .. however I don't and maybe that's God's protection. LOL. I still want to burn that flipping truck to say the least .. him in it .. I'm good with that .. LOL. As a JOKE .. LOL.

Mess with my babies .. that's an issue for me ... that's my mama bear coming out and wanting to strike out.

Hugs S :)

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I know what you going through. I am so consumed on what my son is doing, saying, telling me, acting, lying, cheating, what he did today, what he will do tomorrow, and so many other things I don't have one minute to work on me. He would say he hasn't talked to his father in a long time......I had already talked to his dad and he had talked to son two days ago. I caught my son in a lie. OK so what...what am I going to do about it. He doesn't care and does even know he does this is my thinking.....yep I'm thinking for him too.

I am so upset that he treats his dad like crap, lies and manipulates both of us even though now we know it. His dad is sick.... hell mom is sick. We are sick because we can't let go..we can't quit the sinkin thinkin. We can't stop.

The kids are seeing this. They know...they feel....they hurt, and for mom to keep it going hurts more.

I think the A .....doesn't want it right now....and doesn't care one bit.... and has no loyalty toward anyone including himself. NOT UNTIL he can be honest with himself and do something about it. And you trying to keep doing/seeing the same things over and over expecting different results will only hurt you and your children.

He is going to be a A or he's not.....what are you going to do. He is going to lie or he's not. He is going to run or he's not. He is going to see the children or he's not. I could go on....

I know where your at and I understand.

((( hugs )))

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

We have court coming Cathy and the picture he used to manipulate me .. I think I'm really more angry at myself that I fell for it AGAIN!! I should post the picture however out of respect for his mother I won't .. I DID tell his mom that her son sent me an AWFUL picture of her hooked up to the ventilators and I took another one I did post to facebook with her and the kids. I realized that picture was taken 5 days ago .. that's what made me so angry .. he didn't post a picture to me from yesterday .. it was from 5 days ago.

I have no intension of going easy on him in court .. I will let the judge throw down the consequences and let the STBAX deal with that .. it's coming and it's a landslide .. this is exactly what happened in July of last year.

There is NO honesty about ANYTHING!!!! I don't have time for it and neither do the kids!

Hugs S :)

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I can identify with your anger, when I felt this way, it was me that suffered. Its hard to let the good stuff in when you feel like this. I couldnt notice the good moments, its like the negativity just grows and grows. The resentment and anger can eat you up, steal away happy moments so that you dont even notice them, for a whike I felt like hes still hurting me, hes still got a hold of me. Even though i had left him i felt like he was still stuck inside my head. He had all this power over me still. His actions determine how you feel. I had to claim back me from my ex and I did, mostly. Its not what you want to hear but it was by forgiving him, seeing him as a human in pain, missing out on his children, relationships, you. That is the sad part, alcoholics dont even know what they are missing. Thats how he can behave in such a way, he cant even connect with his role as a father, the needs of his children are way beyond him, he doesnt have the maturity to actually work it out like a normal or healthy person could. I got some freedom from putting him in his rightful place, a sick person detahced from the world including his amazing kids.

I cant do this for my kids, I cant get them to see him this way, I had to let go of that. How my kids feel about their dad is their own business. My daughter feels protective of him, she wont hear a bad word about him, my sons surprisingly accept him and seem to have a mostly healthy attitude about him, although my eldest wont believe his dad is an alcoholic even though hes in aa everyday.lol. Im really glad that they feel this way though, I dont want them obsessing about him and having more of an impact than is necessary. These affects that alcoholism has on a family is dangerous, my family has already been affected. Children can feel rejected and take it with them through their whole lives, i worry my eldest son feels that way inside. I believe my recovery work is important to the health of my kids too. I take it so seriously, im careful how I am around them and how I respond to any drama in the hope that they can see there is a better way to cope with it. Your ex has checked out, mine did too. I understand.x

-- Edited by el-cee on Sunday 15th of June 2014 05:34:17 PM

-- Edited by el-cee on Sunday 15th of June 2014 05:55:07 PM

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Clint Eastwood's squinty look came to mind when I read your first post

I like the strength of that! Hope you make it easy on yourself and your children - which is probably why I like the sound of the no contact plan as well

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Milkwood, you just "Ma(d)e my day." Thanks for the laugh. Serenity: It does get better in my experience and the stories sometimes get better, too. I quit trying to sort fiction from reality. I knew almost every word from my x's mouth was generally not true. I just waited to see the "more that would be revealed" and did what I could if there was something for me to do. Good post, Serenity. Thank you.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

LOL .. well, I LOVE Clint Eastwood .. and that made my day .. one of my FAVORITE lines of his of all times is Heartbreak Ridge .. "Don't go away angry. Just... just go away." OMGOSH .. this is MY mantra at the moment. Follow that with Go ahead and make my day. I'm good .. LOL! That's EXACTLY where I am sitting and I am PISSED about the garbage I just got from my atty's office .. what a load of crap .. 42 pages of CRAP!

Although .. I have something I shouldn't have and I'm down with that .. like I said .. let the ass kicking begin because we are RIGHT at July 2013.

I'm telling you .. I am telling YOU (all) .. that if he thought he looked bad THAT day .. he's in for a VERY rude awakening come court. I will choose to give it to God and accept the outcome .. I just can't see it being anything except awful for him .. I really, really can't .. that's not my problem and unfortunately for him .. had he actually done ANYTHING to show me that ANYTHING had changed .. my attitude would be different.

Reality is .. does anyone really believe he cares about anyone except himself? Disease or not .. again .. NOT my issue. Honestly .. the leash off of me a bit and he should be extremely concerned over the fact I truly do not care anymore .. the only time I care is when it affects me or the kids .. what happens him .. not so much .. that's a sad place honestly considering this is the father of my children and he is a child of God .. you know .. that's God's issue to sort with him and as far as the father of my children .. he's the sperm donor and that's about it. He has no ability to connect with others. He just can't if it's a real thing.

Hugs S :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Serenity, I hear you battling acceptance here. I know you are in the heat of a very long and drawn out divorce and he is supposed to........ But he is sick and going to fail your kids and well that is what A's do best. I know I have had to deal with so much heartbreak with giving my little one to my exAH with an agreement that he would remain sober, of course he failed on occasion and well that is what A's do. All I can do is make sure I learned the lesson and don't fall for it again. I am not sick any longer and can and will protect my children and if I have to have them full time for the rest of the childhoods I am prepared and looking forward to it.

Fear about his job and financials is enough to trigger any of us, I have gotten busy making enough money and putting myself through school so I will eventually never have to rely on anyone to support me and us ever again. I try so hard to shut down any conversation about my kids dad when people try to bring up anything negative, I used to do it too and my 16 year old was paying the ultimate price, she is old enough to make her own decision and she doesn't see him often, but I leave it up to her. I hear your anger and know you are tired of the court process and your A's antics. Take good care of you and the kids! Sending you love and support always!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.