Mel, im glad you are okay for now, it seems like your higher power is giving you a really big nudge to get out now. The consequences of not taking the right action will return over and over until you do the right thing for you and your daughter, only it gets worse every time. Well, thats what happened to me. Crisis after crisis and still I put up with it, excused it, blamed other people, minimised it until the crisis was so big it got taken out of my hands, all the while I had a child in it all too. I do understand, honestly I do, and I know you wont hear a word anyone says until youve learnt it, really felt it for yourself. Everyone in my life was telling me to do something to change this but for some reason I couldnt really hear them and I continued on in the mess believing I could find an answer that wouldnt involve me making the changes that really were needed. Social services coming sounds like a good thing melly, maybe you will get support, cleaning up his mess, hiding it is not going to help you or your daughter. The truth is the truth. Im saying this with concern in my heart for you and your wee girl, I hope you take it the way its intended.x

(((((((((Melly)))))))))))))

OMG....reading your story is soo sad....I can't believe the cops, just taking him out for a nice drive, then letting him come back to you....

I am clueless about AU, but do they have abuse shelters to run to if you got to run????  is back up coming??? (hoping the are)   I am as they say in AU  "Gobsmacked" to say the least.....

just keep coming here and posting and venting if ya need to and i would just try to stay out of his way, not respond to his crap, its awful, but i just know there HAS to be a way out of this mess.....

i can't get over his "wonderful" enabling mom...why doesn't SHE take him if he is so "abused" by you....I would laugh at her if it wasn't so sickening...but oh trust me, my former mother in law was the same way   her "sonny" would  "oh he wold never shove you over a sink to try and break your back"   "my boy?? do that??? you are imagining things"  (to me)  It got to the point where I knew i was on my own, save for my Puerto Rican friends next door who literally had to jump in to keep ME from gong nuts on HIM....wonder what his mom thought of her precious boy being manhandled to the ground by my rescuers and TOLD.."lay off her or else"

so ya know mom is useless in this  (not surprised)  and ya know the cops aren't gonna be big time help.....are there any DV shelters where you can at least get some guidance??? 

is there a place u can run to, albeit temporarily to get a "cooling off" period??? anyone whom u can run to w/daughter to get away????  are you bringing enough income to support another place if you just got up and walked away????  i am trying to think out loud here....Debilyn is real good about knowing how to escape bad situations about this.....I hope she can get in here and weigh in.....i don' know enough about the living situation....do you own house or rent????? if renting, would your landlord , if he is an ok guy, have another place for you to just transfer to???  i am sure you already thought all of this so sorry if i am being repetitive......just there has to be a way to either get rid of him or remove you....

melly, i am glad you put your raincoat on when she threw all that BS at you and i am glad u r not buying into her crap.....she has to defend him b/c she sounds soo coda and doesn't want to get out of denial what a wreck of a human being he has become.....

here in my area the cops will lock them up and i could file a restraint order and enforce it....its a mess..a hassle...but law enforcement is beginning to take domestic violence serious after all these decades of woman having to suffer in silence

i just wish there was a "legal aid" for women in trouble , someone whom you could get free advice/guidance from to guide you as to what to do w/this.....

i hope someone on this board jumps on your post here and can offer some better ideas

meantime??  i would stay out of his way....let him drink himself into the ground if he wants b/c u can't stop him anyway....i would avoid him...he can't get too pissed and confrontational if you are not in his line of fire.......and i would , on the quiet,  call the non emergency number of police and just ASK....what can i do to protect me and my daughter??? or a shelter to get guidance...somebody there MUST have a clue as to what the abused, innocent partner can do to get out of this to protect herself.........

i am truly sorry the cops let you down....this was really really unexpected that they woudl just drive him around , drop him off, and they go about their merry business........

let us know whats goin on ok??????  i am totally shocked and disgusted w/the "protectors" of the public dropping the ball....

sending you peace and loving support.....sure wish I knew of a fix for this....i just don't know enough of what tools you have that you can use to either get rid of him or get you out of there.....i guess when everything seems to be coming against you, ask around, get ideas, talk to other women whom you know may have been in same spot and turn over to HP.....

and mel....el-cee is right....my misery just got worse and worse b/c w/out recovery HE got worse and worse.....i know u know that...I really feel you are ready to get out...i don't know your resources....it sucks when money is low and no family or friends really in position to help, or can they???? 

i like the idea of talking to child services...most communities will fight to keep daughter and mother together....maybe THEY can come up w/some kind of solution for you......just a thought...I think el-cee might be on to something re: child services and possibility of helping you.....

please be careful.....let him do what he has to do and try to stay out of the way....if it is ok weather maybe you can girl and take a walk....visit a friend.....

keeping you in prayers....

Thank you so much for sharing!  You must do something to move yourself and your child away from this, then you can begin to work on your emotional healing, but right now your physical safety seems to be the most important issue!! It helped me once when someone suggested I make a list of Why DO I Stay in this relationship? financial, emotional  whatever...every little thing... the list was just for me to get some view of my motives. and what it would take for me to move on.. I was not going to show it to anyone.  My experience with social services has been even if the parent is in a very bad spot, when that parent has taken action to prevent the child from being hurt (documented actual action such as contacting a support service for abused women and asking what she can do and then actually doing what is suggested) AND the most important aspect was if the mother stayed away from the abuser!! You can bet the police will cover their tush by doing what they think is legal so you need to cover yours by documenting all your efforts to move on and stay away!  In my experience child protective services were very supportive of the parent and tried to keep the family together and even helped. HOWEVER I can not speak for what you should or shouldn't do or what will happen. I don't even know what State your in. At one point in my life I worked for an emergency care shelter for kids in Texas (1987) at that time the sincere goal seemed to be to keep a family together.

It seems to me things might become more difficult for you for a while,, if you take some action to move your self and your child away from him BUT that things are certainly very very likely to get a lot worse if you do not take some action to move away from him.

As for the mother of this man,,, please try to remove her and her insanity from your mind- it's likely just cluttering up space you need in there to make some very important choices!

My prayers are with you and your child Melly!  

-- Edited by glad on Sunday 15th of June 2014 12:00:14 PM

Melly, here is a link with services you absolutely qualify for now that you have had him removed from the home and there is documented history with the police of domestic violence. This is all from the Australian Human Services department. Time to get proactive:

How we can help you

Family and domestic violence is unacceptable in any form. Our first priority in responding to customers who are experiencing family or domestic violence will be their safety and wellbeing.

We can help you if you are in, have left, or are preparing to leave a situation where you are affected by family and domestic violence.

We will consider if you are eligible for a range of payments and services such as parenting payment, income support payments, crisis payments and exemptions from seeking employment or collecting child support based on your personal situation.

There may be specific payments and services that can help you:
If someone has been removed from your home, or you have had to move houses due to violence
If you are in financial hardship due to circumstances relating to violence
If you are under 21 and unable to live at home due to violence
If you are unable to search for work due to illness, injury (permanent or temporary) or other related issues of experiencing violence
If you have recently moved to Australia and are unable to be supported by others due to violence
If applying for or collecting child support would put you or your familys safety at risk
When another adult or child needs to be removed or added from/to a Medicare card

Our social workers offer private and confidential interviews for counselling and support. They can help you work out your options including assessing your payments and exemptions to some requirements. They can also help you access other support services in the community.

The departments commitment to supporting people affected by family and domestic violence is detailed in our Family and Domestic Violence Strategy.

**Here is the link Melly. You deserve and qualify for this support!

www.humanservices.gov.au/customer/subjects/domestic-and-family-violence

Melly I hear you Your daughter is a child and needs Mom to draw the boundaries and continue to love her. You know, deep down, what needs to be done.

Pray about it and trust that you will be given the courage, and wisdom to act. Melly, the intelligent, wise, witty writer, is still very much there, just covered by some negative dross. Trust the process
Prayers

 

 

Okay did you call the cops back?  First things first right?  Cover this all with trust God and do the next right thing.  All that others stuff is "next" things.  You've been physically assaulted/abused (don't diminish that) consider what future plans look like when it disables you.  If you don't have Missmelis you have what?  Sending prayer and spirit.   (((hugs)))

You don't have to have it all figured out melly. Just call for help. Don't beat yourself up or catastrophise. The services are there for people in your circumstances. From what I've seen of you melly, every time you accept help, you grow by leaps and bounds. You have done this in Alanon and the services you reached out for to get driving lessons. Once you reach out melly...it will start coming together. None of this is because you are weak or codependent. It's shame and trying to find solutions on your own. You need help. I've been there myself. Make the calls. You might qualify for services that will set you up and allow you and your daughter to stay in the area.

I just have to say please call the shelter. I tried to press charges here and the police would not do it. Not enough evidence. That is why I have the security system now. My number one priority is to keep me safe and in turn my son will be safe.

I know it is a lot. I remember feeling helpless. The more steps you take the more you come into your own power. It is okay to have those feelings.

{{{Melly}}}

It is unfortunate that the system is set up so that it often takes steely determination to get it to work even halfway.  But we Al-Anoners are practiced at steely determination.  Sometimes we've practiced steely determination to stay with the A, but it was practice anyway.

I can see why your daughter wants stability and to be able to be in her program and stay with her friends.  Those are valuable things, though not more valuable than your lives, of course.

I wonder if this is a time to sit down with someone from a shelter and brainstorm a plan that will allow you to stay within the school's area but not be in your A's house.  (Would he come after you and make trouble?  Would that be a safe plan?)  Not to be joky about it, but there are thousands of people in the area and they don't live with your A, so it must be possible.  The question is how to get from A to B.

I'm unclear on who owns/leases the place where you are now.  You?  Your A?  The two of you together?  If he's paying the rent it sounds like it's him.  If so, then trying to have him kicked out or excluded would be challenging.  If it's you, maybe time to consult Legal Aid.

Please take good care of yourself. I know how frustrating this all must be.  It would make anyone insane.  Fortunately we are all used to insanity.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. This is such a difficult situation for both you and your daughter and others have shared some great advice and resources. Please stay safe!!!

Oh Mel...PLEEEEESE take heed on what pinkchip, Jerry and Debilyn says.....ALL of us are on the same page...but these 3 i mentioned are specially versed in this situation.......pinkchip and Jerry, Debilyn are more experienced and trained....I would do what the said and put my life/ass in God's hands and pray for the best..

Everyone on here gave you great advice....now girl, u can do this...u did it once, so we go round 2 now to get this a-hole out of there......after i posted on you , i prayed that some of the therapists wuold weigh in, folks who have more exper....yea, i went though this, but was lucky, I had protectors, and i was able to get my g.f. and her BIG boyfriend to move me out....I found a place on the sly and I was GONE....had that been my home, my place, really, i dunno what i would do....i took the fast/ easy way out.....looking back, i know the  PR's whould have kept me and ousted him but his mom was up the street so i knew I wold be near him even if i got him out....so I was the one to leave....i didn't have to go through the crap of having to fight, i just got out.....I guess I need to be on my knees thanking HP for helping me...but you do have help here on this thread and yea, you gotta do more steps, but its doable....

Mel, I know this scares the crap out of you.....i was scared crap less of  it, but i did it afraid.....You can do this.......God bless all those who got on here and weighed in....and pinkchip showed u the contact info...

Sweetheart, you are in a place with a time bomb ticking

All you have to do is call the police, tell them he was removed before for violence against you, he is very drunk again, threatened your life before.

tell them you are afraid for your life, he needs out of there.

You are not lieing that he threatened your life. YOu do not have to tell them it was before. does not matter.

when they get there go outside, tell them where he is, they will take him away drunk.

Melly I have been where you are. I have. My AH has brain damage. He being not a big man flipped me over onto my front, disabling my shoulders forever.

I tried to leave and he jumped onto my back got my phone and broke it, I had a key hidden in my room tomy car and got out. People in town helped me.

here is a story. My AH, This beautiful lady married this handsome guy who was A. He beat her up continuously. They had to beautiful little boys, he beat them up and their mom in front of them. He constantly was abusive in word and physical.

The two little boys had beebee guns, then rifles. Mom would storm into their room to take the guns apart and hide them dad was home and mad.

Beat her to a pulp. then she was pg again. beautiful little blond haired angel. the boys little sister they tried to protect. tried.

finally ah went to thailand other brother moved out.

Ok mom is so brain damaged from being beatin in the head so much she is  mean and lives to gossip. She is in a foster home now. one son came back from the viet nam war a heroin addict. other brother a heron addict here at home. Sister is a meth addict.

dad died. NO ONE survived Melly. My AH was so abused he split up, has multiple personality disorder. I figured it out when I was married to him.

the one brother is now dead due to liver damage from the drugs, sis is a full blown ugly meth addict. AH gets every thing A's do, cancer, hep C and A, may have aids, falls all the time, is ugly inside nd out now. they were all beautiful at one time.

Mom used to be like you, beautiful, creative, funny, moral,loving.

She allowed him to come back too.

I adored all of them cept the creep man. Now they are all gone. 

If it were me, I would not waste a second and get him out of your daughters home. do it for her. WE as moms will do anything for our children.

Don't you feel that inside you? Don't you want to keep living with your daughter? CPS already knows he is dangerous...and you are worrying about beer cans?

I called the police on my son 3 times, he was taken away, and it was the hardest thing to do, my own son, but I knew if I didnt make a stand he was going to think it was okay to abuse me and smash up my house. Ive been out on the street, bare feet, middle of winter, neighbours all knowing my business. I had to do it, I had noone else, his father drunk somewhere, useless. I needed help and he needed proper and right consequences. Its pure logic, commit a crime = pay the price. I would have paid a much higher price had I not followed through.

ah quite bragging betty, 100 pounds? please take 50 of mine! I am shaped like my grama and great grampa. sigh.

Melly one thing too is, we learn when we are going thru the hardest times. This is when we grow.

I KNOW how you feel. I loved my AH since I was 17. I mean madly in love, adoring, that man died when he had that brain surgery. I still miss him so very much.

To have him go away was so so hard for so one. I loved him all my life,thru everything. I have his son. He loved both my kids.

What made it easy was my son. My son was having a very bad time with me living with the ah when he got so bad. he had to zoom out to our place becuz somehow A got my 357 and would not tell me where it was. The sheriff came out and made him leave. my son took him to A's mommies.

My mother in me, my love for my son made me leave the A 100%.A said some things about my son and that did it. He cared more that son had his pick up than he cared about son.

rrrrrrr

I am honestly sitting here with tears being concerned about you and yours. A is an adult, he apparently knows how to take care of himself. He can go stay at shelter or go find somewhere to be, he is not your responsibility.

I am telling you little one, you will be ok after he is gone. Sure you will cry, your guts will hurt. but believe me the serenity you will find will be so immense it will help you.

If it is money I can send you a little, I am sure others would to.We do this super rarely, but we have.

you are not safe, there is no stay safe or be safe, you are not as long as you allow this dangerous man to stay there.

AGain you do not have to leave, get him out.

I am not going to say anymore. this is in your hands. better to cry all day than to be dead.

 

thank you pinkchicken, (c: also mel they could guide you to how to get him out safely.

I understand your stuff is there and it is your home, plus  you love your cat!! I so get it. no one is getting me out of my own home either! You are strong about that honey.

Please add and no one is going to be in my home and abuse me and daughter either! I am praying and talking to hp for you!

 

u know i am reading this thread, praying for our alanoer melly and i am thinking  the old  "placate, subterfuge, don't piss him off till i can get outta there and take care of me"   

the bottom line is this crap is not gonna stop.....he is gonna get worse and worse.

when the PR's helped me w/ AH, saving him from my bayonet and letting him know they were gonna hammer him, i knew, he was an A..an abusive A, but that intervention bought me enough time to get out....so i did play the game...stayed out of his way...didn't do anything, just minded my own business and kept focusing on my PLAN...when i found that house, that little tiny cottage and bartered w/that lady, yard work, repairs for rent, I was like relieved ...i knew my hell was gonna end, but i had to reach for the help first.. ...she told me "tomorrow" move in..she had to get keys and the lock changed..i was almost like  "give it to me now, I'll get the lock changed, etc" but i kept my mouth shut...she was saving me and i was the begger, not the chooser....

i went back to the rental and boooy did i play it cool, like nothing was up....same ole routine....i made SURE my patterns didn't change....my g.f. and her big strong b.f. were due in the morning....all i had to do was get through one more night, but ya know??/ as bad as this jerk was..as detestable and rotten as he was, he was nothing compared to this one we are posting about on your thread......hell, he was a piece of cake compared to this, but bottom line, is when the violence starts, it escalates...even in my situation which was growing worse,  i knew i had to get while the getting was good....didn't want him to smell anything awry as i made my plan....i didn't even pack, i did nothing but stay in my room, then the morning came and of course my PR friends next door were watching me, they would knock on the door unexpected and bring me treats....(wife was awesome cook)  and Juan was never far away and he got up in the night a lot of times as he always did and would check his surroundings.....

anyway, morning came, my BFF and her boyfriend showed up EARLY, like 8am... w/her car and his truck and my car was there, adn we 3 packed my stuff....i will never forget AH's face, he knew NOTHING of what was happening...i totally blind sighted him......and he was pissed...big time....name calling, threatening me ....don had to threaten him a beating if he didn't' shut up and sit down adn behave and my friend don was over 6'.and as bullies are cowards, AH#1 sat down and shut up...if looks cold kill i wold have been dead.......so here we are throwing my stuff in boxes,  grocery bags,  juan and company, next door, came w/boxes, bags,etc, and we all got me out of there....only juan and my BFF and her b.f. knew my location....juan said he would make sure my AH would not follow to find out where i had gone.....

it was the fastest getaway i ever took part in, but i got all my stuff....hugs from the neighbors, and some tears wishing me well and safety......we get to my cottage, my bff and her b.f and we unpack me, settle me in, and i sat in this teeny place that was so small, i had to go outside to change my mind

but it was MINE...i was SAFE....there was a BIG guy next door w/this gigantic pit bull and the pittie fell in love w/me instantly ...his name was victor....and my neighbor said i coudl have victor in my place at night as he had a pt job nites and no worries, i could dog sit w/victor in my home.....yea, let the ah find me and go through victor who was very protective of me....we just hit it off that dog adn me...

anyway, melly, it can be done....scary?? u bet...i had to lie, and put on an acting job so he would not know what was coming down the pike at him.....yea, i handled it as best as i could w/no recovery no alanon pals steering me right and i see the mistakes i made, but never the less, a violent abuser is NOT EVER gonna get less, he is gonna escalate...even my AH who was threatened....had he gotten drunk enough, he could have still gotten physical w/me...i don't know....i reached out for help and i was willing to take it and do what other, non coda people told me to do...i knew i was "not well" in the head...I knew i was messed up,  coda,  paralyzed w/my own fear and that of the AH,  i was in bad shape, but i got out...thanks to the folks i was able to reach out to and i accepted their help and followed their more wise advice...

melly you can do this....and you need to do this b/c  your alkie is waaay more dangerous than mine was and mine was bad...bad enough for two big guys to lean on his ass to leave me alone.....

i can't tell you the range of emotions i went through my first night in freedom.....i cried...cried at this failed relationship...i cried tears of relief and sadness over my messed up life.....but i was free....that first night when my human comforters and watch dogs left for their own beds, i felt kinda like paranoid, wondering  "did he find me??"  but i had victor the pittie w/me and i would walk him at night in the yard w/the gate closed adn landlady let me park in the garage in the back so he would not see my car and little by little my fears lessened and little by little i embraced life as much as a non recovering aca/coda could, ...i got a nice job, doing the books in a restaurant with a bunch of very tough truckers and i wold fill in at the counter when waitresses wanted a bathroom break and i , of course being terrified of men, kept my distance but always had a smile and a steaming cup of coffee....my life began to improve as i got used to being safe in my home......i even, after a lot of time, befriended a real tough trucker who was an animal lover and hated wife beaters...his sister went through that crap, so "Ed" kinda took me under his wing and i began to feel like a human again.....We remained friends for a long time...I know he wanted more, but i was just not ready and didn't trust me to pick a good guy, oh how i wish i had had alanon back then..or knew of it...i lost so many years being ignorant of the help alanon could have given me but what is done is done...i can't look back, only in present and to make my nows good so there is hope of a decent tomorrow, but it has to begin w/me and my RIGHT now...what am i doing for my self care RIGHT NOW????? 

it will happen for you too....one day at a time...one thing at a time.....

right now #1 priority is to get out....anyway you can, if ya gotta bs him while u wait for the cops, it would be best if u coudl just flee and call from a neighbor....and get rid of him ......

sorry, i get dislexic on my typing when I am remembering some stuff....thanks to alanon, my life is better...safer....more hopeful....and i am gonna pray for you for HP to help you get out....