I haven't been on this board much over the last year. This morning as I read several post that all sounded so similar to my experience... The alcoholic lies, makes promises and then doesn't keep, blames it all on me, I'm angry and acting out with others etc. Yes, we are sick too because of the disease and I was the best example of crazy... The reason for my post today is to share what happened to me in hopes that when someone else is in that dark tunnel that spins around and the most horrible element is that you can not make yourself find the way out BUT you know it is right there!

2003 met and actively pursued a relationship with someone I knew was not only an alcoholic, came from a family of "down in the gutter" alcoholic and child abusers (yep I knew he had been molested and has serious issues and I pursued him anyway!

2003 to 2008 twisted and turned, cried and ruined my relationships with family and friends, hurt my teenage daughter by becoming so obsessed with "fixing" this man and getting him to "love" me that I ignored her high school and college years ( I have to work on forgiving myself for this) I'm living daily amends to her and to myself it still hurts but gets better!

2008 found alanon in person meetings and cried the whole hour because everyones story seemed so much like my own.

2008 to 2010 worked the program some... for me became more and more aware that OUT was MY first step to MY recovery.. many ins and outs (breakups) with him during this time, we both wanted out and he wanted to keep drinking...and being who he is which is unacceptable to me and I keep trying to change him because I just knew he should appreciate that, after all his life was crap and all I was trying to do was help...thing is sometimes you just need to leave crap alone!

Anyway in 2010 we broke up, it became obvious he wasn't coming back this time, I went even crazier and tried to "get him back" ( the tunnel) I can not tell you how thankful I am he didn't want me back and yes I am embarrassed I continued to chase him BUT ... in May 2011 my beautiful grandson was born... on the day of his birth I was so depressed I could barely move.. I did make it to the hospital just as other family members from farther out of town were leaving,  but missed the actual birth ( my amazing daughters never criticized me for this) but this was my "bottom" when I realized how detached I was from my life.

So I realized this and stopped chasing him but remained depressed to the point of not being able to move most of the time until Nov. 2011 when I literally realized my life was either going to be over or go on... I made the decision to try to move each day.. ( I could have benefited from some professional help and considered checking myself in somewhere,, and that would not have been a bad thing. I received and email from a group of single ladies who were starting a new bible study/ share group and were meeting at a local restaurant. That went well. I began working out like crazy ( at this point I didn't really have the $35 mth. gym fee to spend but new it was maybe that or death if I didn't move my body... I actually cried through many of the ladies group meetings and nobody "pushed me" by saying what's wrong etc.. but it was obvious they cared and would help if I choose to ask for help.. I also cried through a lot of yoga classes (thank God for allergy season and dark rooms, but I kept going anyway... I was able to get things moving a little better at work with the help of a good friend, then as each little thing got a little better it became easier to get each next thing to move along better... In May 2012 I was smiling in the pictures from my Grandsons birthday and noticed we all looked pretty good. I was there with family and appeared to be present..improvement, in May 2013 I looked great and was the happiest I think I've every been to know I could stand alone, without someone to "care for" or work toward or work "on" or whatever. Taking care of me first, meeting my financial obligations, still ran across some "junk" from the past emotionally, financially etc. but it was just old junk not a big deal and I was still finding beer caps in the oddest places, laughable now.

In July of 2013 I meet someone who didn't need any "fixing" or have any addiction (except maybe his love of animals and his family) someone who shares my faith and who is actually a very strong, yet patient and flexible person. It's pretty great to be able to appreciate him and still value me as an independent person.

That idea; the one that says work on myself first was just words, words I didn't really understand because I couldn't see how "helping" someone else could be wrong, until I hit my real bottom.

I had to experience severe emotional pain before I stopped trying to get back in the tunnel.

Today if I feel a little down, I know it's that I'm probably needing to focus on something about me: work, exercise health, family, spiritual... I get that It really means something to me.