The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ive been thinking about amends as I am planning to do some step work and work on step 8. I ahve made amends to my family through my changed attitude but I would like to make direct amends through an apology. However, I dont think anyone in my family would be comfortable with that. I imagine they will say no if I ask them to listen to my amends. Ive thought of putting it in a letter but again I wonder if that is less genuine or a cop out. I want to work out my motives, my amends are about me, cleaning house but I cant pick up further amends along the way by hurting anyone through bringing up the past or making them uncomfortable. There is a part of me that thinks my amends will help my kids get better which is a control thing or manipulation. I want to do it properly. How did you do it?
Dear LC you are on the right track I found that " Making amends" was a powerful tool in my recovery. I had to remember that I was still powerless over others, so that in making the amends, I was cleaning away the wreckage of the past, removing the guilt that I had accumulated and was giving myself the permission to connect with others with more positive, loving attitudes
It had Very little with saying "I am Sorry", as I had said that many times before and then reverted to my old same actions. Alanon gave me the tools to change and that was the difference. Defining my principles and then being able to "Place principles above personalities, with courage, serenity and wisdom really helped in this process.
It did not matter how others responded to the amends or if they learned from them . All that mattered was my willingness to acknowledge my past behavior and willingness to respond differently in the future.
I found by not making a big deal out of the amend I could talk honestly about it without making others defensive or uncomfortable. I have simply brought up the incident that troubled me and stated that I have been troubled by my responses to "such and such" over the past few years. I know I had negative issues driving my behavior and have worked diligently to understand and replace them. I just wished to acknowledge that I know my part in any disagreement we may have had and intend to practice more compassionate, courteous responses in the future. This usually opened the door to open honest communications all around You are on your way
I discovered in relationship to most especially my daughter that in the normal course of discussion, an opportunity presents itself for me to say what is on my mind and heart with her and I can say what I need to say for me that is an apology for mistakes made in the past. She is older and able to listen and to respond to what I say now in a way that brings us both closer. In relationship to my son, my amends has been basically changes in the way I've handled things in the past. His disease is too quick to take what is an honest share or apology from me and turn it into something destructive to him and to me. There have been times that I have seen an area I needed to make an apology in real time and I have - in our history listened to what is hurting him about the past and responded accordingly, but at this point, I do know I have done all the 8th and 9th stepping I can do in relationship with him and only continue my living amends with occasional Step 10s for current events.
my amends were a case to case basis.....first the list (step 8) then MY part in each person who was harmed by my actions....if if they were the bigger offender, this was MY side of the street....NOTHING about them....this was MY cleaning up old busines....and in EACH amend, I only addressed/took responsibility for what I did in the breakup or souring of the relatioship...
case in point....my abusive , horrible, not in my life sister.........she will never speak tome i am only worth a text and i was not willing to text my side of the street so I wrote her an email.......i never addressed her behaviour to me, at least not an "in your face" situation...it went something to the tune of
Dear "J"....I want to write this letter b/c we do not talk and this is too long for a text....I want to clean up and clear up my part in the break up/break down of our sibling relationship...i am here to take responsibility for my part in this and the things I did that were not acceptable behaviour but i did these things to you.......(then i ilsted all the crap i did to her in retaliation to her treatment of me) I then aferwards said that yes, i own this..i did this...i accept this as mine and my AMEND is to further work my recovery, to work on me, to become a better person, so as to not "react" or "retaliate/get even" with folks, but to set boundaries before things get out of hand b/c that is much healthier.....
if u harken back to my post on this board when i made amends to the board for MY part in the drama train that crashed through here......NO i did not start the crap storm.....NO i did not go to another board and insult them, but i DID react...I DID Over react...I DID get nasty...and i DID list this as mine...took responsibility for it, and my amend was to work further on my triggers, my motives, my resentments so i can "arrest" this type of reaction b4 it becomes a stinking bomb....I did not apologize for defending my board mates, i just made amends to my over kill tactics in doing so.....
I never apologize about a "correct and deserving" defense of me or a loved one, but if my "delivery" stinks in setting that boundary then I have to address/own/accept/make amends for my "could be better" way of handling things.....
i keep the focus on me...what i did be it reaction or be it i was the aggressor, I only focus on me and what I did/said re: the problem and i offer up what proper amend is needed to make my side cleaner
NOW..if they refuse to accept amend??? OK...not my problem...no longer on my ledger card b/c I took care of ME....I did MY part about ME....whether or not they accept is on them
also amend does not mean reconciliation as my sister mentioned above.....my amend was to clarify and to accept my part in our separation, my amend was to offer up what i am doing to make changes in me and MY behaviour so as to not keep doing the same mistake and i did NOT..EVER lead her to believe i ever wanted her in my life again b/c I do NOT...however my slate wit her is clean...my sidewalk swept clean....i can now move on in peace
when i did my amend to the board and to the party i attacked , I felt immediate release...immediate freedom from the other party...immediate 4giveness for me....b/c my amend was sincere.........i did NOT take back my right to have addressed the behaviour that started all this.....but I DID make amend for my over kill reaction.....
also some folks are not safe to approach....or to approach them may not be safe for them....these ones , sometimes, there cannot be a communication b/c it may be unsafe for me or the other...........for these people, sharing it in my recovery group....talking it over with creator...owning my part in it by sharing w/ another human being and my maker is sufficient IF i am working to change the original behaviour that caused this break up ....
its a case to case basis.....communication is not always the right thing IF safety is at risk for either party....one may get triggered or attacked so as to sabotage the mechanics of the amend.....some folks i do as highlighted above and i offer them up in prayer to HP and i let it go...I owned my part by acceptance in my heart...sharing w/another human being and sharing w/my maker and by improving my character that would deal with this.
hope this helped............that is how i did/do my amends.............HUGSSSS my good friend
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you, this gives me food for thought. It doesnt have to be a big formal declaration, to be honest im not that comfortable with that either. I do make amends and have said it before just during conversation, not in a declaration kind of way. Its my ex, I do feel I should say sorry for my part in the relationship but do I ask to meet up with him or what? Also a little part of me worries that il say, im sorry for... and by the way where my amends? Not quite In the spirit of it.
Neshema, I really liked the way you made amends during recent events, I thought it was a really good example of owning your own part in it.x
Thank you, this gives me food for thought. It doesnt have to be a big formal declaration, to be honest im not that comfortable with that either. I do make amends and have said it before just during conversation, not in a declaration kind of way. Its my ex, I do feel I should say sorry for my part in the relationship but do I ask to meet up with him or what? Also a little part of me worries that il say, im sorry for... and by the way where my amends? Not quite In the spirit of it.
Neshema, I really liked the way you made amends during recent events, I thought it was a really good example of owning your own part in it.x
Noooo NO waiting for their amend......when i did amend re: my over kill , did i expect amend??? nope...did i get amend???? nope.....not disappointed b/c #1 no expectations and #2, it was about freeing me....
as to formal declaration, not necessary......a simple "hey this is what I did in our relationship, i just want to take responsibility for my part, actions A-B-C- D and I want you to know i take responsibility and i am sorry i did that and i am in recovery to change and become more healthy" or words to that affect
amends are simple just hard to do, if ya know what i mean...we all hate making amends to un-remourseful people, but the amend is for US...for our integrity.....to free us.......as to meet or not??? what does your instinct tell you??? email maybe??? phone call maybe???? some times fac2fac is great ONLY if safe for both parties....sometimes its best to just do the amend in a more "distant" way to keep both of us safe......if u are not comfortable w/meeting him then don't...there are other, effective means of communication........its a case to case basis......what is safe?? what is practical??? what would produce the greatest results????? an amend is just owning my part in the situation...that is all...it is not bid to reconcile.....it is just taking out my trash and putting it in dumpster with, of course, verbage to the other party, hugs
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
My x and I were both able to make amends when our HP opened the door. I did put him on my 8th step, and let God show me the when and the how of it in my 9th. I don't know if my experience with my x will be of help to you, el cee, but as you can see - I wanted to share it. (((ec)))
Great Topic and ESH I wanted to add that I put myself at the top of my amends list and proceeded to make amends to myself for over a year before I considered moving on to anyone else on the list .
I made amends to myself by attending meetings, making gratitude and asset lists, being gentle with myself ND OTHERS and working the steps It was a wonderful gift to give to myself and then all the other amends made sense and evolved as G2B stated. I was then able to own my part without expectations
Steps 8 and 9 for me are freedom from shame and guilt steps which I never felt until Al-Anon...what a rocket launch when I learned and then learned too. So much said here now is how I came/come about working those steps mostly as step 10 now. The "except when to do so would injure them or others" part of step 9 was so important for me because I came to understand that there where times when I hurt others and hurt them more because I left them with the thoughts and feelings that "they" were responsible for what happened. I felt so sad that this happened because they did nothing to justify what I did to them. The proper amends freed them from taking responsibility when it was not theirs to hold. Its proper that I not do the step for a response and if I get one I am to consider it to see if my amends and apology was complete. I can "shade the truth" to protect my ego. I've been known (caught myself) diminishing to escape imagined responses. 8 and 9 are God guided and sponsor and program guided steps for me...left to my own devises when getting fearful I screw things up or not do them at all. Practice, Practice, Practice. No to "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong...promptly admitted it" and progress not perfection.
Great Topic and ESH I wanted to add that I put myself at the top of my amends list and proceeded to make amends to myself for over a year before I considered moving on to anyone else on the list .
I made amends to myself by attending meetings, making gratitude and asset lists, being gentle with myself ND OTHERS and working the steps It was a wonderful gift to give to myself and then all the other amends made sense and evolved as G2B stated. I was then able to own my part without expectations
hey betty, i didn't do this for a long time, my 2nd sponsor picked up on this and asked me "hey why are you not on your list of past made amends and amends still pending????" boy i thought about all the verbal self abuse and verbal abuse to HP in my anger, so i put us BOTH on that list and i make amends ea. time I need tomake amends......yep....me and hp got the worst of my anger/resentment............thank you for reminding me
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I never had a higher power either, well I always did but didnt know it. I like that making amends to myself, Im getting better at it, health wise, sometimes my self talk can be crazy, still got this perfection thing going on but pracitce makes perfect or not.lolx
el-cee this thread is so cool, i am glad u started it.....betty weighed in and reminded me of the amends to self an hp....like u i didn't have hp either...had to use program as my hp....or borrow from a mate....now i sorta do, but i really have ??s as to how involved in the *physical* realm hp is...*spiritual* realm, yea i see hp, but the worldly stuff like making enough to support oneself, or you have another prob. that u r powerless over and u surrender and seems nothing is happening....maybe its my "instant fix now" thinking that is holding me in this.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
