Fearful of myself & my actions towards others - Al-Anon Family Group

phoenixmagicgirl · Senior Member

Fearful of myself & my actions towards others

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear phonenixmagicgirl, I hear you and so understand There is hope , help and you are not alone. Attending alanon meetings, working the steps, calling alanon members when stressed, using the slogans, reading alanon literature all helped me to let go of the huge anger, resentment, self pity and fear that I felt as a result of living with the disease of alcoholism.

The program encourages us to seek progress not perfection. I came to understand and accept that I was human and had feelings How I responded to these feelings with either constructive or destructive tools is what was important. Try to be gentle with yourself believe that: "This too shall pass".

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

No advice...ESH I have some like the rest of this family. I know where you're at cause I've been there and done that myself though at the time I didn't have any remorse or empathy for those I hurt including myself. I hated the anger and resentment and rage and that is where my good sponsor caught and then taught me how to change. He told me that if I hated what I was getting from how I felt and acted to feel and act the opposite and then get the opposite result. Rocket Science for this newbie then and I had to learn from him what the opposites were. The opposite of anger is acceptance. When I am triggered I get into acceptance before I get into anger (3cees work here and slogans) I get into "I don't have to like it all I have to do is accept that it is what it is and I cannot cause, control and cure it and then detach". When I worked the opposites I get calm, quiet, level, happy peaceful and the like. The opposite of rage is compassion and empathy; for me. The opposite of rage is also surrender rather than submitting. When I submit I'm thinking that there may be a day when I can safely take back control of a situation while in surrender I admit and accept that there never can be a time or opportunity where I can exert my ego. Fearful of myself and my actions was changed to fearful "for" myself and my actions as I realized I was loosing my peace of mind and serenity and life.

This is a courageous post and honest and humble. Stay with this effort and you will come away better than you can imagine. ((((hugs)))) smile

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Do you have a sponsor? It takes practice and patience and more practice to develop the skills to detach from alcoholics and stay serene. Because, let's face it, they're insane. And that's painful enough to be around, but frequently it impacts us and even is aimed at us, so it's no wonder we react. It's not like someone honking at us in traffic. It's a big thing.

I used to be so critical of myself because I was so angry with my A. It's true that I didn't have many skills in detaching. But there was also this. The capacity for anger is in us for a reason. It is there to distance us. When we get angry, we react in such a way that we disconnect from the other person and push them away. It's a defense mechanism. I am reminded of hamsters! I know that sounds crazy, but let me explain. Hamsters are made to live in the desert, where there's hardly any food. So they developed to want to live alone -- because a territory cannot support two hamsters. If they tried to live off the same territory, at least one of them would die. If they meet by accident in the desert, they threaten each other till one of them goes off and keeps his distance. That protects both of them. But if someone who doesn't understand hamsters tries to keep two hamsters in the same cage, they will fight to the death. They want to get away from each other, and they're just trying to scare the other one away. But the other one doesn't (can't) leave. So violence ensues.

Similarly, our anger is meant to keep the threat at a distance. But if we stay nearby the ones who hurt us so much, we're like the hamster trapped in a cage with the other one.

My ultimate point is that my own anger was telling me that being around my A was bad for me. But I wasn't listening. I was trying to damp down my anger so I could stay with my A and indulge in my old ways. My old ways weren't working. But I was scared/guilty/confused about leaving my A. So it took me quite a while to get that distance. And then like magic, my anger began to dissipate.

I'm not saying you should do this thing or that thing. Just that anger is a signal that something is wrong. It is trying to protect you. Maybe your anger is your friend.

Take good care of yourself!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Phoenix

I got into emotions anonymous for a while b/c coming from a bad childhood, i had many unresolved, unfelt, unfaced, un dealt with emotions...anger was at the top of the list....I got into alanon in 2002 and the flood gates opened up....for the first 2-3 years in alanon, I was all over the place w/my anger, rage, i mean rage that had a COLOR----RED----- I would get angry at the stupidest things....i worked step 4 enough to know that i rage when I feel helpless/hopless...like when i am not in control....my childhood was so out of control that to be in control meant being safe for me...well of course i cannot control others, places, weather, life, job loss b/c a company bellies up, stuff outside of my own skin, so instead of accepting powerlessness and being able to have faith in a higher power, i didn't really believe much in any universal power being on my side..so i fetl like i was on my own....so there would be the life events coming at me, i would feel the powerlessness that i took for being helpless/victim and I would rage to "feel" like i was in control....to give me the illusion of being in control, i raged...threw tantrums...cursed and cussed at myself, or god, or life, or anything

i got rid of a lot of it when i would get a tennis racquet and beat a chair or the bed, something safe, but the "high" i got out of it was double edged sword....yea, get it out...have a good vent, but work step 4 on it so i don't get habitized in this "high" or illusion of power b/c i am still powerless...what helped me was yes, get the feelings out of the way THEN work step 4 as to "ok, why are you pissed..what are you afraid of????" and usually it was stuff i was not in control of....the need to be in control was that bad for me....

so now i understand the root of it i can deal and face it better.....however my weakness is i have not much faith in any god...i believe in god/jesus, oh yea, but do i trust it??? not much.....why???? b/c of unanswered prayers from a desperate child who needed help and none came......but my rational self sometimes kicks in and i realize that I did get help from unexpected places when i was about to die from the abuse....an aunt...or loving fammily who wanted to adopt me would get me out of there for a relief for me.......

i still have to work on this lack of faith/trust and therefore the "I cant' do it so I will just surrender it and it will all work out" i still worry, about the "will it REALLY work out????"

i hope this made sense, but reading literature, working step 4 and long ago there was this yahoo group called EA or emotions ananymous , i wasn't there long b/c the group disbanded, but paying attention and being so hungry for improvement, i just researched and kinda had to be my own shrink many times....and i figured this out working step 4 and re working step 4.....

we can be powerless over our emotions....people from bad backgrounds....bad anything that lasts long enough can produce "out of control" emotions and once they are accepted as such, not fought or resisted, but faced, accepted adn then worked out, the origins of it all, we can aat least manage it

i can have a short fuse, depending on the trigger.....anyone who comes at me, oh i am ready to fight....like the lion, i will live and let live, but if someone starts anything w/me, I will finish it.....OR if something threatening comes at me and i can't do anything, be it a financial threat or any threat or challenge and i am not in control over it?? i have to really watch for this and try to defuse it at its earliest level with self nurturing, breathing, exercise to burn off excessive energy, there is a whole lot i can do and really i am more mellow then i used to be...still got a ways to go, but better and i am more wanting peace instead of chaos and drama..even tho i get sucked into it every now and again....i really do want my quiet.....i don't play well at all w/abusive, manipulative, dishonest, just BAD people or people who have issues and refuse to work on themselves......i just do what i can to stay away from folks who suck the energy out of me

hope this post made sense....there is a mosquito in my room and (males dont bite) this witch has bitten me several times and has escaped my attempts to swat her so now i am getting ready to go postal with a can of bug spray and i hate the stuff......talk about anger issues, LOL....i hate those frickin things....they just EAT me...so i logged on here as i wait for the little vampire to show her face so i can blast her to kingdom come w/my can of spray.......PEACE...hope this post helped.....

phoenixmagicgirl · Senior Member

Thank you to everyone who replied. No I don't have a sponsor yet..I am still trying to find a f2f meetjng that is right for me. How is anger my friend if it's so desctructive? If it makes me feel guilty and hurts those I love? That seems a bit contradicdory... It's funny because after I get angry & apologize for lashing out is when I realize I shouldn't have... I feel so angry at myself becauae I don't know how to control my anger.. 90% or so of the time I'm happy..it's that 10% that I have to watch out for. It could be the littlest thing...from helping my A to do something to whatever else... I feel so deeply ashamed, guilty, unsure of myself, frustrated, envious that my brother, dad and sister are dealing with this better and I'm not..I feel and I know that I'm not where I want to be but at least I'm doing *something* by going to back the gym, trying to find a f2f meeting and trying to find a psychologist.. right?? Something is better than nothing.. At times I don't know whether to be sad, angry or cry at this situation I

phoenixmagicgirl · Senior Member

I'm in..I don't like the feeling of my emotions being so scattered and out of control..one minute I'm happy..the next I'm angry. We are planning an intervention for my A. I'm actually scared to read my letter..I get so nervous just thinking about it.. I have a very hard time not getting emotional..it makes me feel guilty and weak. I have A.D.D. so I tend to feel my emotions first and think/react later..it is frustrating..I know I need to work on this.. I have told my A that I love her..I just don't like her drinking..is that ok to do? We have recently spent time together which was awesome! :) Something we haven't done in years.. I get nervous when we go out b/c I'm scared of how I will react to her drinking..I know I'm talking in circles here..I apologize.. I do that a lot. I feel as though I'm taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back.. I am desperetly looking and searching and trying to make myself better in this bad situation...please believe me! Thank you for listening me ramble on..again.. over stuff I've already said..lol.. Going to go pray to my HP for peace & surrender this day.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you called your insurance provider to find all the psychologists in your area? then you call them?

um you may try the department of health too. I went to a womans group thru them for many years. was so wonderful.

When we don't deal with the pain we have inside, talking having an A in our life, it comes out as frustration and anger. perfectly normal.

I used to smell alcohol and tense up and feel scared!

YES meetings are great, also go early and stay after and just ask someone how are you? or ask if its ok may I ask if anyone know of a good psychologist?

Make friends, ask if anyone is going for coffee? I don't drink coffee but I go!

I am sad you are in this situation, but I can tell you are not going to be in it long. you will learn how to cope. Also going out on your own to give to others will help you, get your mind off the AH in question.

keep coming, good share!

OH maybe ask the ones who are not taking patients if they will recommend someone!!! collegue? spell?? sheesh

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

PG: Not much to add except a wondering? I wonder if some of what you are experiencing is due to you taking your focus off your Mom as much as you might have done in the past and letting some of what you can work on in you come up now? Al-Anon and a good therapist - good plan! Maybe your HP is trying to do an intervention for you before you act on one in relationship to your Mom? I don't know, but maybe? Living with a Mom with this disease and a Dad you love, too, must not be an easy place for a child or an adult child to be? Maybe this is your time to look out for PG and take even better care of her than you once did for Mom and maybe for Dad, too? Again, I don't know, but maybe?

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