Today, I made my decision to move on - Al-Anon Family Group

LiveLaughLove · Veteran Member

Today, I made my decision to move on

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for your honest, candid and painful share. I am sorry that what you had hoped might happen for you with him isn't possible. It takes courage and self-respect to end a relationship you know in your heart of hearts isn't going anywhere but down. You've done your best. You took on good faith what he told you. Now, more has been revealed and you see this is not what you want or what you need and are willing to change what you can for you. Good for you.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, I am Neshema

thank you for that touching, honest share....I can see the pain you feel and trust, a toothache now is a lot better then orthodontic surgery later....

You did the right thing by yourself....2 bad strikes against him, well..3.....#1 the drinking........#2 the dishonesty about the dating thing.........#3, the lying about drinking/other women...and u mentioned that drinking he is abusive......so #4 FOUR reasons why to leave and you saw it..you did it...you did take loving care of you.......it hurts, i know and i am very impressed w/your bravery and your willingness to fold your cards and leave the bad poker game which would only bring you losses by the boat load

so NOW...you CAN...."Live...Laugh...Love" and it will be a hell of a lot happier/healthier/long term..........

please stick w/program, meetings...12 steps...literature....they keep us taking care of ourselves......WOW..I am impressed w/your honesty and your courage........

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh boy -- so painful. I'm so sorry. But so glad you discovered this before you got any further. I was in a similar situation once and I didn't catch on till later. Ouch! Awful no matter when you discover it. I think a lot of A's who aren't really recovered try to have their cake and eat it too.

Also such a good reminder to keep our wits about us when we meet someone. I hate to think of those trusting women reading his site and thinking, "Social drinker, great, no problems there." The heartache is ahead of them.

Take very good care of yourself. Sending much support and healing your way!

JayBird66 · Member

My life is such a mess that I have no business trying to give you advice ;)

However, I have to tell you, you are such a awesome and strong lady! I truly believe you will find someone 100xs better than ur EX. please Know your so much better without him. you would doubt him forever anyways, especially if ur first reaction was to check a dating site and actually find the guy! Somewhere in your heart you knew he wasn't for you. You'll come out on top, I have NO doubt about that! Keep your head up...

Take care!!

karma13 · Senior Member

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers for healing ;)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Prayers LiveLaughLove)) I am glad that you connected and shared. Living with the disease of alcoholism is very difficult and reaching out for support is a great step in your recovery.
Keep coming back and before long you will be living , laughing and loving with courage, serenity and wisdom
.
It is a process.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you will take to heart the truth that his decision to drink, live and act the way he did. Including lies to you is all about HIM.

Nothing to do with YOU.

They used to tell me that when they lie such as telling you your the only one they want a relationship with etc. they probably mean it at that moment. Alcoholics just do not have the emotional maturity to make their actions reflect their truth and you deserve to be able to trust the actions of the person you share yourself with!

and guess what..those type of people are here on planet earth looking for people just like you who are trustworthy too!

They seem to show up when your more focused on you and your personal truths and loving yourself...

stay strong and trust your higher power for direction NOT your heart

" The heart is deceitful above all things"

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Recovery is not for wimps. I suspect he may have really tried for a while, but then copped out and did what many alcoholics do...relapse and bounce around lying and scrambling to get their needs met. It takes years of recovery and a lot of work to develop integrity again after having been an active alcoholic for a long time. You would like to be able to believe someone when they say they will change and are even sometimes able to own up to what is wrong with them....but this disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful.

You did well in looking out for yourself and following through on boundaries. I know this hurts, but you showed your own integrity and strength by 1. Getting out of the way of his recovery to give him a shot of doing this on his own, and then 2. Backing out completely when it became clear he wasn't or isn't recovering.

LiveLaughLove · Veteran Member

To everyone, thank you so much for your wonderful comments, thoughts, prayers, and words of encouragement. This is why I visit this forum so often and, even though I may not post, I get so much out of just reading everyone's thoughts, feelings, and overall ESH. You can't even begin to know how helpful this forum has been to me. I know that I am not alone.

Mattie, I think that you hit the nail on the head! I have come to realize the he is living a double life and does want to have his cake and eat it too. He can't have it both ways. Yes, the women that he might meet on this dating website are going to be in for a rude awakening. I am just so grateful, as sad as I am with that slap in the face of reality, that I found out now rather than later on when I may have gotten more involved in his game.

Pinkchip, I agree with you...I have come to realize that he has been doing a lot of hiding and lying to try to meet his needs as an alcoholic. After finding out the truth about some of his lies yesterday, I now suspect that there have been many other times recently that he had me convinced that he was being honest, when in actuality he was lying through his teeth. Many times he had me convinced that I was just having a difficult time trusting him because of what happened in the past. So many times, when there were red flags and I would suspect he was not being honest or hiding something from me, he would say "How can we ever have a healthy and happy relationship when you can't get over the past and trust me now when I am telling you the truth"? Through his convincing and manipulation, I started believing that it was MY issue and not his and that I needed to start taking him at his word.

Like I mentioned, I am so grateful that I now know the truth and can move forward knowing that I have made the right decision. No more getting sucked into his manipulative world. I will now focus on just me and my own future and happiness. As Betty mentioned, I will definitely keep coming back here and hope to live, laugh, and love with courage, serenity, and wisdom.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

That took a lot of courage. Hey you are no sucker, he is choosing to live a life you do not want to be a part of so you left it!

Shame on him, not you. They love to manipulate. The disease is so much more than sobriety remember, it is learning not to lie, not to manipulate and think of others.

You my dear will be going thru some painful stuff but also serenity.

Get yourself strong, think of you, heck with him. He is not the person you love, that man is gone.

hugs!

Beatrice · Senior Member

Sorry for your sad experience,

But one that could be a blessing in disguise. The decision to part from this man is a good one. The problem is not the break up, but really

working on yourself to stay strong. As many of us have gone back and forth with the alcoholic, split ups, coming back and making promises that always
manage to be broken. Or even getting involved with another alcoholic.

This is a time of reflection and really digging deep into yourself and working your program. And really discovering in ourselves why we make the choices
we do. You are starting on a new path, stick with Alanon and it will show you the way to a more serene life.

Your journey is beginning. Keep practicing.

hugs, Bettina

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((LiveLaughLove)))) personal recovery works just like this. You keep your ability to have faith and hope and exercise your ability to watch, have options and choose. The program of Al-Anon is masterful in what it does when it is worked as suggested. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for letting us into your life. Keep coming back smile

LiveLaughLove · Veteran Member

Thank you again, everyone, for sharing your own experiences and words of encouragement. I will most definitely keep coming back here, as I often do when I need some understanding about this often unpredictable disease. Since I came to the conclusion that it did this past weekend, I have had many teary moments. More and more, though, I almost feel a sense of relief that I am finally freeing myself from this emotional roller coaster. I will keep working on myself and, as Bettina said, my journey is just beginning! I am so looking forward to more consistent happiness and much less stress and chaos.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Thanks for sharing here about your decision to move on. Maybe your hp has led you to the truths that you needed to know before you got further involved. Your ex sounds like he believes he can control his drinking and isn't ready to give up alcohol. He's deceiving you with his dating profile and deceiving himself about his ability to drink "socially." Lies and more lies. You didn't mention whether you are going to in person Alanon or have a sponsor to turn to. Both can really be a help for keeping strong and meaning the ultimatums that we give at times. Without the strength from working the program and keeping close others in the program, we can find the one good thing in the bad old days and give it a royal place in our memory. You might be glad you deleted his phone number and blocked him when that good memory of him visits you. I'm sorry he hurt you but you've taken your power back by rejecting what you don't deserve. You can be proud of that even if he busted up your dream. He can't participate. He doesn't have it to give. You're worth more. (((hugs))) TT

LiveLaughLove · Veteran Member

Thank you for your post TT. I have not been to a face-to-face meeting as that is not on option for me. I did, however, look into the online meeting details yesterday but, at that time, it was close to 10pm, so I figured that the 9pm meeting was just about to end. Over the past year, or longer, I have delved heavily in literature regarding the disease process, as well as Al-Anon literature. I also have someone very close to me who is almost 20 years sober, attends meetings religiously, and is always there for me, whether to share her knowledge or to just offer support. Nonetheless, I would like to take part in online meetings. It's time. Even though I have severed all ties with him completely now, this past year has certainly been an emotional struggle. As you mention, there have been many times where I would think about those good memories and I would start to miss the good times and get sucked into his manipulation. Even so, I could never forget the bad times and I always stopped myself and snapped back to the reality of his lifestyle and disease process.

Maybe you (or someone here) can answer a question for me...when choosing a nickname for the online meetings, do most typically use the same name that they use on this forum or should I use a completely different nickname?

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.