I don't like when I feel this way - Al-Anon Family Group

DebLisa55 · Member

I don't like when I feel this way

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Believe it...that is the insanity of our disease in a nut shell. Been there and done that more times than I care to think. Go there from time to time just to make sure that Disneyland still is offering the crazy rides. When I first got into the program of the Al-Anon Family Groups they use to read the AMA definition of Alcoholism which in part says "it is a compulsion of the mind with an allergy of the body and can't be cured only arrested by total abstinence"...it also said that "the disease is a progressive disease and that if the alcoholic were to stop drinking for a period of time and then start up again (relapse) of time it will be as bad or worse than if they had never stopped". Right on definition for me and it took me two times getting into the program to come to understand it as real for me.

What you are feeling isn't good and it is normal for a family member or friend or spouse of the alcoholic. You are pissed...and normal.

If you haven't been attending face to face AFG meetings in your area go to the white pages of your local telephone book, find the hotline number for Al-Anon and call to find out where and when we get together in your area and then come as early as you will. Feelings of hate and anger are weighty and then temporary. You don't have to choose to feel those...there are many others, more positive you can choose to feel whether he is drinking or not and you gotta get to the face to face meetings to learn them. You don't ever have to feel this way again.

Keep coming back. ((((In support)))). smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree completely with Jerry.

You are not alone. Attending alanon face to face meetings, using the tools and breaking the isolation worked for me

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
I agree completely with Jerry.
You are not alone. Attending alanon face to face meetings, using the tools and breaking the isolation worked for me

i can't add anymore to Jerry's and betty's shares, except to welcome you back to alanon and i hope u stick w/it.....my para disease of codependency and aca is arrested, in remission when I work my program.....i quit or slack off and i am ripe for old patterns to creep back in........you are NOT alone.....please keep coming back

karma13 · Senior Member

Welcome to alanon ;) I too can't add to the shares much. Wonderful shares above.Except in saying the program works if you work it. Going to face to face meetings, working the steps, reading and studying cal, getting a sponsor, making calls to other members, gratitude lists, etc. when I first came in I had hit rock bottom and literally felt as if my life was falling apart. I felt crazy and was on a constant adrenaline rush from all the drama. My best thinking got me to my first alanon meeting and I kept going back. Change was slow for me, but I have slowly been changing, and I enjoy my own life now. My local alanon loved me until I could love myself. I never have to sit in isolation or be lonely again. Blessings and prayers ;)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. I can certainly understand and relate to the pain you are feeling underneath the anger. I may not have expressed anger in the way you have and there have been times in my life when I thought a lot of it. The merry-go-round of the alcoholic fueled relationships just heat up and heat up and heat up in my experience. The alcoholic is very sick and we get sick too - sick of the hurt, sick of the rug being pulled out from under us, sick of everything we do being sabotaged or turned upside down, sick of wanting just a normal, ordinary and quiet life and getting the opposite. Al-Anon rooms are filled with folks who have experienced some or all of what I have experienced and maybe you, too? Although nothing in life is perfect and Al-Anon is no different, it does offer a place to heal and to grow with people who have been through or are going through some of the same things you have experienced and how to begin making changes to your life (not to the alcoholic) by first getting off that merry-go-round and finding your feet on firm ground again. Please come back here, too.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

U said it yourself,his disease is killing u.

what r u going to do? hugs!

lucymae · Member

Hi there! I know how your feeling. Your husband drinks because he has a disease. He can't control himself. Are you going to any Alanon meetings? What saved me 11 years ago was going to Alanon, getting a sponsor and working the steps. I know it sounds like a lot but I finally started to get some peace in my life.

I like the slogan "Live and Let Live". Another words to me it means let him do what he needs to do on his path and you find your own path that works for you. It doesn't mean you have to get a divorce. But you can still have peace and be happy living with the alcoholic. I know I still live with the alcoholic. I have learned and am still learning what I like to do and always put myself first.

I do things as simple as washing my face with dove soap. I love how it lathers up and I wash my face and give myself a nice facial. I walk my dogs, go to movies, read good books, get a manicure or a pedicure and much more. We don't have to live in the disease with them.

I hope you find this helpful. I know where your at. I've been there and can still get there at times. Learning to detach with love has always been a hard one for me but I try to practice it.

Hugs to you,

Lynn

DebLisa55 · Member

Jerry F. Grateful2b, Debilyn - I remember you from last year. I wish I had listened to someone and started going to meetings. I just re-read my posts over this past year and found that I have been saying the same thing over and over. How depressing. I never wanted to be a part of the alanon world and that was the reason why I never went to a meeting. I am so down in the dumps since Saturday, which was his last act of stupidity. He drank at work. WTF???? Just thinking about it infuriates me. We are barely talking. I am driving him to work and picking him up. He is a ticking time bomb and I have that dreaded feeling all the time. My heart beats fast if he doesn't answer the phone when I call him. I think - why isn't he answering or when he picks up will he sound drunk? I am so tired of being like that. I am so tired of his db attitude towards me when he drinks. He tells me its my fault that he drinks. I used to think if he could only get help and change and see the error of his ways it would in turn change my family. Yeah right - not happening. My girls are older and are starting their own lives. I am stuck. Lucymae, I could relate when I read your post about washing your face with dove soap. I love the smell of that soap. So for those few minutes I am washing my face I am happy too until I realize that I am in my 50s and I better rush to put that anti-aging mositurizer on my skin which never works anyway. A few minutes ago I was eating the carvel cake I had ordered for the jerk for father's day. I wanted to smash it in his face Sunday but it was an ice cream cake and would have probably broken his nose(?) Anyway I was happy while I was eating it. You are so right. Do little things - anything that makes you happy. And thank you to everyone else who took the time and responded.

karma13 · Senior Member

Its not too late to start going to meetings at any time. It is suggested to try six meetings before you decide if alanon is for you or not. Alanon gave me back my life, I am forever grateful.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((DebLisa))) I recognized your name, too. I didn't want to get into that world either and God had other plans for me. Please go, Deb, because nothing is going to get better without the help Al-Anon truly is for even us reluctant folks.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb...We get it when we get it and most often after we go after it. I am a retread Al-Anon. It took me two attempts to get in past the doors. The first time it was my alcoholic/addicts sponsors suggestion (yeah right a lot she knew!!) and the second time it was a power greater than myself manipulating my mind, body, spirit and emotions thru all of the motions that finally got me to voluntarily find my seat and sit the hell down. It wasn't a match made in heaven for a while and there were times when the fellowship had legitimate concerns that I was in the room at all. I felt the same way about them at first and didn't like them much or what they had to say and still the truth was to blatant for me to argue with..."They" were doing soooo much better than I was and it truly seemed like I had become addicted to living in the addiction. I was sick and even sicker than my alcoholic/addict wife because I had gotten use to the pain without the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality.

I didn't like when I felt that way either and I still don't like feeling that way when I relapse; return to unhealthy thinking, feeling and acting which never every brings me to and holds me in solution. The steps and traditions and concepts and slogans and sponsor relationship and much Higher Power than myself is what works. I like me more and it works better when I work it. Keep coming back. (((((hugs))))) smile

flinn66 · Senior Member

Hi

None of us like feeling this way. I know for me it only 'works when I work it'. Sometimes I don't, recently overworking - tiredness and fatigue have stopped me attending my regular meetings. Result is I find myself quickly slipping back and being short tempered and irritable, kinda didn't notice it at first but made the mistake of telling my ex A that I was not feeling too good. Well there I go - going to the hardware store to buy bread.

Result of course, nasty texts telling me if I feel that bad why don't i just end it all!

Nice, but what did I expect, now of course so angry for not picking up the phone and sharing with an Al-Anon friend instead ( have now). Up the ladders and down the snakes but finding the ladders again, have also spoken to my Doctor who has signed me off work.

OK still feel like crap, but maybe this is just part of a process, a lot of contradictory thoughts going through my head - time to quieten it down, remember I am human and vulnerable after years of alcoholic abuse and that I must look after me.

I think we all struggle sometimes.....

Hugs

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.