Fear - Al-Anon Family Group

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Fear

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Cathy,

I'm just asking to be asking .. you sure do an awful lot of feeling "for" him .. these are his choices and his life .. when I start making it more about my qualifier, I have to remind myself I'm not his HP .. his choices aren't about me.

So really what is it that you "fear" really? What is it about YOU that you feel fear?

Hugs S :)

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm working a 4th step and I'm stuck. I want this to go away. I know I'm not his HP but in myself my fear is what is keeping me down

I have to keep working at it and find out deep down and honestly WHY..... and how to take it away.

I know it doesn't make much sense to most because it's hard to explain for me.

((( hugs ))))

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

It makes sense to me. Its different from the ex husbands and partners. Theres that biological thing, its a deeper connection in some ways, theres no walking away forever, left with memories and damage that can be recovered from. Its lifelong this one. When I think of how hard it was with my ex compared to how I feel about my son, dealing with the ex was a doddle(easy).

I feel the fear on and off, its hard to shake when it takes hold, I loose perspective of just the facts and before I know it im back thinking of the baby and child he was and how did it come to this? If im not careful Im projecting and feeling the pain I imagine him to be feeling. I think your feelings and fears right now are pefectly normal, I would let them flow, share them, release them and get inot your readings and the steps.x

-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 14th of June 2014 12:38:25 PM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I also start imagining his fear....wow. I take it all in and the visions start. I'm sitting here thinking about it as to why this happens and how to control it.

I'm turning it around to a good thing. I should not have fear for him I should be grateful he's where he needs to be. I look back to all the terrible things that has happened to him and me and think why should I fear him in prison for 2 years. I am grateful he's safe.....no fear should be included in safety. He is not drinking or killing himself....no fear in that. I'm grateful he is doing the time and pay the consequences for his actions something he would not stop on his own. No fear in that.

I didn't put him there so there should not be fear him being there....not my fault.

My fear is unfounded. I am just hurting myself with this defect. I can go on an on for days and if I DON"T change I will be miserable. Why do I want to make myself so miserable??? What good is it doing for me. Is my son feeling my pain....hell no. He has his own worry so why should I be fearing and feeling so much pain for him? Why don't I feel maybe a real fear I have about me or a real worry of myself.

I can love him...support him and pray for him. That's all I need to do right now.

Fear is stupid in this case.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

That was quick,lol. Good for you, its easier when we look at through rational eyes. The facts are hes safe, this is a chance for peace of mind for you and some clarity and sobriety for him. Valuable things in my experience. It is a chance for you to really think about you and what you want.x

NellBell · Newbie

I also have to work on the fear issue. I just got a call from the police, who had stopped my daughter, and was asked if she was on some sort of medication. That was a nice way of asking a really hard question. YES, she's on methadone. She's usually up in the clouds and occasionally down past ground level. Why are the police calling me? I was working on detachment...making my own choices and not obsessing on my daughter. It seems like the ability and achieve detachment is easily lost. My tears are not going to help her and I should not answer the phone anymore. It's cruel, but necessary. I'm not doing to well with this resolve so I'm writing it out here and put the accountability into words.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome NellBell

I don't think it's cruel anymore not to answer the phone. I found when I did in the past was because I had to do something. What it really did was put my son in a frame of mind "MOM" will come to the rescue. What good did that do for him.....and it just compounded the worry and fear for me.

I'm working some 4th step defects I have within me and it's not easy. Here I'm talking about fear but my next big one is "CONTROL" boy do I want to control everything.
Anyways I need to keep working on this fear thing.

A MIP friend just asked me about fear and about my trust in my HP. I'm I still lacking in trust " In Letting Go and Letting God. Something to keep thinking about and working on. My faith wavers.

I'm seeing control and fear go hand in hand somewhat.

WOW it gets all mixed up in my head so lets take it slow and easy....

(((( hugs ))))

PS: NellBell keep coming back because you are not alone. It's works if you work it.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy I like to remember that fear is healthy and needed at times. At other times I have had to ACT with the fear . I believe that HP gave me the courage to feel the fear and then courage and wisdom to act.

I know you love your son and do not want to see him this way. Projecting your fear and negative feelings on to him is counter productive. You can use program to pray for the courage to support him and reach acceptance of life on life's term. I like to remember that courage is fear that has said it's prayers .
In my prayers

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
I like to remember that courage is fear that has said it's prayers .
In my prayers

WOW...agree wilth everyone here, Cathy.....When u r too focused on him, you are abandoning self....what is it in you that is so scary??? is he not better off there then out in the "wild" drinking, getting sick, hospital admissions???? i would do a step 4 on just fear since u r feeling that......if i can, with your permission, i would like to PM yo or email you some worksheets if i can dig them up on FEAR....u want them??? i will not impose my stuff on anyone but if you want what i got on fear, i will be glad to send them to you......

also it is the mother/child thing.....the bond is there, not like a AH that you are not related to and ya, it hurts when breakup happens, but its not your child that lived in your womb......however, that said, you also , i hope, working step 4 and steps 1,2,3, for your own sake, you are not his maker....yes, creator used your body to bring him here, but creator owns him, not you.....and letting go, yes it is hard...look at me with dry drunk daughter #2 she is aca/dry drunk personality, and i have to distance myself from her and her passive agression towards me and its HARD, but i have to put me first......

alanon is not a magic cure....it is the "how to deal better with the crap storms of life" that will still come at us, but we have a choice.....use our program to work our options as best as we can b4 we turn over to universe, or we can fight it., resist it and make our lives a living hell.......it took me a long time to be able to even THINK nonresistance, much less apply it, but now i can do it pretty well......non resistance of what we cannot control is our road to sanity......

HUGS of support.........

Beatrice · Senior Member

I like that Neshema "when you are to focused on him, you are abandoning self". Profound words to always take into account.

Thank you

Bettina

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Your right Betty....thank you for keeping me grounded and let letting me know the difference when to fear and when to not fear. Just more that needs to be learned. I hear everyone!!!! why a sponsor is so important when working steps.

I just got off the phone with my son. He called me. He sounded OK and still said it is what it is and I will continue on. He said he would see me hopefully the end of 2016.

He wasn't mad or upset...just in shock a little. He also said his lawyer was worthless but it's still his own fault he's there. He's working and trying not to cut open anymore fingers....a kitchen can be dangerous if your not careful he confirms...lol.

He was happy the judge told everyone and put in the doc's that he go to a DUI yard so he will get some help with his addiction so my son thinks that will help him get some help he needs instead of just sitting in prison with no help at all.

He said he will be moved next Thursday so he won't be talking to me for a while until he get settled in to a yard.

I kept my mouth shut and just let him talk. In the end I told him I loved him and his family will be there in support.

Phone HUGS.....

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Beatrice wrote:

I like that Neshema "when you are to focused on him, you are abandoning self". Profound words to always take into account.

Thank you

Bettina

thank you, Bettina, I enjoy reading your "wisdom" posts and your es&h on the gang here....Your story touched me with your strength and ability to 4give and move on as you did w/your ex husband...thanks for being here.....

Beatrice · Senior Member

Just to add something to ponder, that sometimes we are attached to suffering. If it wasn't his drinking, it would be something else. We are comfortable with it.
Use to it. We can decide not to suffer, the brain is powerful.

Just a thought.

Bettina

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Beatrice wrote:

Just to add something to ponder, that sometimes we are attached to suffering. If it wasn't his drinking, it would be something else. We are comfortable with it.
Use to it. We can decide not to suffer, the brain is powerful.

Just a thought.

Bettina

I saw something awfully unpleasant with me....I would "switch" addictions, but a coda is a coda and I am.....if it wasn't bingeing on junk food it was thrift shopping...I needed that "high" i got addicted to, living in that horrible FOO of mine....i got addicted to chaos.....so i would do stuff to "shock" my system to keep me in that "chaos" mode, hence, the "high" ....like all the fall out over the "Essay" poster, I kept the crap going b/c it was a "high" GOD i hate admitting this but its TRUE, drama was right there w/her sick arms waiting for me, the one who dumped the junk food and eats right, the one who manages her finances so much better, the one who has one by one faced the "para disease" of coda addiction, and has overcome so much of the sickness or put it in remission, i should say and here this comes at me...so its another challenge.....I realize now that its all part of the disease of codependency....that need to "keep me in shock" so i know i am alive and it distracts me from having to be in my body, present, focused on me, facing me in the now, being mindful..etc., and its another form of self abandonment......i now am aware the far reaching tentacles this coda crap has and so i am doing my literature, workbooks on integrating with self, so I don't have to DO that crap anymore and when i become aware of it now, i can arrest it if I yell "HELP" via a meeting or talk w/my sponsor or drag out this workbook i have on healing adult children of abusive parents........I learned a LOT of good and some not so good stuff about me while i was off the board and hunkered down, burried in workbooks, literature, looong phone chats w/sponsor, 6 meetings in 3 days, and committed to making more meetings.....yea, hard reality for me that this disease of coda/aca has many faces........

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, I can see reasons for the fear...it's normal. You just have to keep acknowledging and letting it go. You will get more seasoned. I imagine you fear that he is depressed, that jail is horrible (because let's face it, it's not a cake walk), and that he's horribly depressed and you want that to not be his reality. Then that might seep into your reality. I can't imagine not feeling that to some degree, especially as his mom. You have all the tools and the answers as to this being where he needs to be and so forth, but that doesn't make it peachy and great. It sucks that your son is in jail. It's okay to acknowledge that on some level.

Where does faith come into this? Faith is what gets rid of fear. So that means doubling up on faith because I see some areas where faith could improve. Cathy, he will adapt to prison. That is inevitable. Ideally, he will go to the one you talked about for substance abusers and I can't see why he wouldn't because he's a prime candidate, first time in prison and purely there over substance related problems.

Your son was/is (from your posts I gather) a whining excuse maker. At the least, this will harden him and toughen him up (and I know that's not necessarily all good). At the best, it will get him closer to his HP and real recovery.

Your fears are not abnormal. Definitely not worth beating yourself up over. If you just say "I don't know why the hell I have fear!" and try to stuff it down, it won't work. Acknowledge them, inventory them and where they are coming from, replace them with faith.... Just my suggestion.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Cathy))) I get it. Every fear. I get it.

This helped me: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change (and sometimes, I simply couldn't change the fear I felt, so I felt it, or the fear my son felt and I validated his feelings), the courage to change what I can (I would consider all the ways my son had shown me his resourcefulness and ability to take care of himself in situations that would have sent me to crazyville and all the ways my HP had been there for me and with me) and the wisdom to know the difference.

I had to do this repeatedly and my readers became my best friends for a time - especially the readings on fear and faith and trust and gratitude - and continue to put my son into his HP's hands because HP could go with my son wherever he was and I could not. Whether or not my son chose to listen to his HP's guidance or to utilize whatever was offered to him as a means of help in the prison system was up to him but I still knew that he wasn't alone. I didn't try to counsel my son at all on what to do or not do while he was in the system. Only he knew what he was facing and only he could decide what to do. I did send letters that shared just little things with him that I was doing or what the weather was like just to remind him that there was a world beyond the prison walls awaiting him. I didn't baby him but I did listen to him - sometimes, like I would to someone who wasn't my son and that helped, too. I would listen for those things he was doing well and compliment him, too. That seemed to help both of us.

It's okay to feel afraid - I still do - and turn to your HP to help you with it. Lots of encouragement and support, Cathy.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I want to thank everyone for weighting in on this. It has helped so much. It lets me know I can not do this alone....we all need input.

Good suggestion PC. Sometime I think I shouldn't be having these feeling no matter how many times people tell me otherwise. Being strong doesn't mean I have to be a stone....I have to work them out so I can live life on life's terms.

My faith has been renewed but I will keep working the steps every time I have a problem I can't resolve right away.

God bless you all for being here....

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Sis; Cathy)))) take the test again and memorize the answers so that they become second nature, subconscious reminders and behaviors. I remember the early roller coaster of letting go and then taking back and then over and over again and in the end the consequences was she kept using, drinking and having the negative consequences and I got sicker and sicker. That is the Al-Anon story for me. I use to say over and over that I loved her until I was asked the question and then told the reality "is that love or addiction"? It was addiction and I went thru the same withdrawals with it that she did each and every time she tried to quit drinking and using on her own. I needed to do what the winners were doing and so learned to ask the question "can you help me please"? I was facing my own power and control issues while thinking the words "I have no power and control over the disease and alcoholic". I thought it and wasn't walking it by nature.

The second and third step always came before step 4...always. It was in 4 that I admitted to incessant power and control and in the last 4th step that the "tap root" of all of my defects was ego...I ease God out of my mind, body, spirit and emotions because I have not created the habit of constantly trusting God. I also learned that one of the names of my Higher Power, God is Love and that the opposite of fear is Love. I cannot fear what I love and cannot love what I fear. When HP is out of my thoughts and spirit my emotions run negative...often to fear and sometimes to anger and resentments and such. This is where I learned and came to understand and accept the acronym for FEAR ...False Evidence Appearing Real. When my head is creating the picture it isn't doing it on real evidence, its just running wild and imagining the worse ...always.

The disease is running your son and the consequences are he is where he is at the time that he is for the reason that he is and you have nothing to do with that. God can and will if he seeks God...without your permission and direction. Let him do it however he chooses. Progress not Perfection. In support of Cathy ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

cathy, from experience, the person worrying often feels worse than the person themselves.

Also to fear is not giving your son any credit. he does have his own power, his own constitution and brain to glean what he can and make peace with the rest.

Remember it is ok to send him stuff when he can accept it. He does have a counselor also. He has rights in there. If he needs a different attorney he can figure out how to do that.

Also I see fear as not putting trust in our hp. I take a breath often and give it up to my hp. and believe me it works.

keep things good around you. Love on your cats, be comfy, keep flowers around, read nice things!

major hug!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.