Charging money for helping someone who is depressed - Al-Anon Family Group

lucymae · Member

Charging money for helping someone who is depressed

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Im not sure I understand this, are you a councellor or therapist so this is your business?

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Or are you hiring yourself out? If you are visiting her and staying with her like a carer would then it sounds ok to me if you are both happy with it.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

IMHO, if you are providing a service at her or her family's request then I'm not sure that there is anything to feel guilty about - the fact that a friendship is growing from the relationship is a lovely bonus.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha L...If there is an agreement with terms and you are experienced with what she requires its like a business deal. Fulfill the terms and there shouldn't be any guilt. The moral inventory is ours still and that is what guides me in my life. (((hugs))) smile

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry F wrote:

Aloha L...If there is an agreement with terms and you are experienced with what she requires its like a business deal. Fulfill the terms and there shouldn't be any guilt. The moral inventory is ours still and that is what guides me in my life. (((hugs)))

agree and as el-cee said, if u r both "OK" with this then no reason to feel guilty.....as an "in remission" people pleasing coda, i would feel guilty if i wanted compensation for my services......i.e., i am a cert. pub. bookkeeper and tax preparer (small businesses and personal returns) and i have a cousin who wants to "use" me for nothing...I told her "up front" that i charge "so much" per hour and i cannot diss my paying clients to service her needs w/out compensation.....she got all huffy w/me throwing the "we are family" card at me and i threw back "i have bills to pay and i work b/c i have to not b/c i want to" and basically told her to take what i offer or leave it.......i would have b4 alanon felt guilt standing up for my needs but not now....i charge a fair price to family as well as a non dna client....i know this is a bit "off your topic" but guilt is usually me feeling bad about being fair to me too........it used to be them them them and not me.....then it was me me me and not them....now the pendulum has swung to "ME TOO"......

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

There are two kinds of guilt: realistic and unrealistic. If you're charging her and not doing what she's asked or what she's required as part of your contract, then guilt can help you make a change. If you're charging her and doing what she's asked or what she's required because she is depressed, then the guilt would be unrealistic. I had lots of unrealistic guilt years before Al-Anon because I did too much and did it because I saw myself to be healthier and stronger than the other person in some cases. I wouldn't charge a minor to look after them but I would charge their parents if they hired me to do so. I would charge an adult if they hired me to do what they couldn't do for themselves. If I noticed they could do what I was doing for them after awhile, I'd terminate the contract because I'd see they really didn't need my services and I wouldn't want to waste my time doing for another what they could do for themselves. It would have nothing to do with money and everything to do with self respect for me.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:
There are two kinds of guilt: realistic and unrealistic. If you're charging her and not doing what she's asked or what she's required as part of your contract, then guilt can help you make a change. If you're charging her and doing what she's asked or what she's required because she is depressed, then the guilt would be unrealistic. I had lots of unrealistic guilt years before Al-Anon because I did too much and did it because I saw myself to be healthier and stronger than the other person in some cases. I wouldn't charge a minor to look after them but I would charge their parents if they hired me to do so. I would charge an adult if they hired me to do what they couldn't do for themselves. If I noticed they could do what I was doing for them after awhile, I'd terminate the contract because I'd see they really didn't need my services and I wouldn't want to waste my time doing for another what they could do for themselves. It would have nothing to do with money and everything to do with self respect for me.

WOW, G, this is beautiful and so spot on....I had a client that i really needed money wise, but he woud shoot himself in the foot, undo all the good i did for him re: his books, taxes, etc., i had do remove myself from his employ and remove me from all the money i really could have used, but i could not in good conscience stay there w/someone who absolutely sabotaged himself, thus making it impossible for me to serve him.......I walked away b/c there were/are folks out there who WILL benefit from my services and pay me good money........i felt like the doctor treating a bad heart case and here i am advising/trying to keep this guy from financially "stroking out" and hes eating all the high cholesterol foods, drinking , eating salt like its going out of style, not exercising, just absolutely going against my advice, i had to drop him as a "patient" so when he explodes, i am not there to see the body being toted off by the coroner.....

lucymae · Member

Thanks for all of your responses and support. I'm just a friend helping out. She is seeing doctors and doing all she can to get well so I know I'm not enabling her. I only charge her 1/2 of what an agency would charge her and only charging her half the hours even though I work more.

She hired me because she's afraid to be alone and she doesn't eat well unless someone cooks for her. I give her a massage here and there, and do some light house keeping. I also give her lots of love and support and just listen.

I do everything she asks me to do and more.

To take care of me I have brought my bead work to her home and it helps me to focus on my beading.

Hugs and God Bless to my family of Alanon.

Lynn

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, it looks as if you're now at peace about this arrangement? If so, good! For me, guilt is a killer when it is unrealistic. It's even a killer for me if it is realistic if I see it as who am rather that what I do. One I can change. The other I can't. It sounds as if this arrangement is a blessing for you both. Hugs back, Lynn.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sure the gal you go spend time with feels better becuz she can pay you!She may feel even worse if she did not give back! Part of getting healthy is doing things for others.

When a person feels depressed they usually feel not as good as others. this way u guys are even! Just cuz one is depressed they do not want to be just a taker.

You are wonderful to accept this trade for your not being in your own home.

If I could afford it I would love to pay someone to come out to my country home, enjoy my animals and peace with me. I used to wish someone would sit and talk to me as i gardened.

Please do this for her! hugs, debilyn

lucymae · Member

Oh I just love Alanon and the people in it. You've all been so loving and supportive. I had another issue sort of around this situation.

The lady I'm helping and I have a mutual friend. She asked the lady I'm helping "she's not charging you is she"? My friend told her it's non of your business. Also this same supposed friend has made comments to my boarder that my husband and I are over charging her for her rent. She also said that if I was going to drive the tenants car then I need to pay her insurance. Of course I would pay her insurance if this were the case.

Last night my tenant told me that this women told her we were overcharging her for her rent. That was the final straw for me. I've been nothing but kind to this supposed friend. I sent her an email confronting her and told her I no longer want her in my life and I don't understand why she's saying these things about me.

I've learned in Alanon, that hurt people, hurt people. My email to her was pretty harsh. I have since sent her another email apologizing for my harshness and told her I don't care who said what and that all that matters is love. This doesn't mean I condone her behavior by any means. I did the amends for me. I don't want to feel angry and resentful. I want to be at peace. So I have forgiven her.

Love and Hugs to my Alanon People.

Lynn

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I like you Lucie! (c:

people like that feel out of control. by sticking their noses in they are trying to get some. Plus they want the attention.

My thing is saying,"You have no power over me." Labyrinth.

-- Edited by Debilyn on Thursday 19th of June 2014 04:54:58 PM

lucymae · Member

Thanks Debilyn! smile I would come and garden with you if I were close by. I too live in the country. My husband is more the gardener though. Maybe as time goes on I will find I love to garden more. I'm still learning about me, what I like, what I don't like. I love to make jewelry, walk my dogs and read.

Hugs to you,

Lynn

lucymae · Member

The person I'm taking care of can sometimes be short and abrasive. Today this was the case. I know she is struggling but I called her up and told her how I felt and told her you were rude and abrasive. She just said she was tired. Truthfully I feel like I have to walk on eggshells because I don't know what will set her off. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and try to detach with love. Sometimes I feel like we are becoming friends but when she's rude I wonder if this will be a long lasting relationship. I guess I just said it myself. Why would I want to continue a relationship with someone I feel I have to walk on eggshells with. I should know this by now after being in Alanon for 11 years. It's like this whole situation just crept up on me.

Today's meeting was on boundaries. What a great topic. I am much better at setting boundaries but sometimes it's hard too.

Lynn

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

It sounds like you both agreed to these terms. If this will be ongoing, it takes away from time you could be spending doing other things for yourself. From what you described, you are working for her. It may help her as well as you that money changes hands between you. If you were doing it free of charge, she might feel uncomfortable asking for what she needs and you might feel resentful fulfilling all she needs. It sounds like a win/win situation for both of you. Maybe there will be a deepened friendship when the job is completed. TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Wednesday 18th of June 2014 09:23:57 PM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Lucy: I had a very rude boss once. He was more than rude. He was an osteopathic surgeon who was well known and very good at what he did. He also threw trays in the operating room which scared the nurses and one time stomped his false leg so hard in the cafeteria, the brace disconnected in some way and he had to be helped to a table so he could put it back on right. Nobody in the cafeteria laughed. Everybody was afraid of him. Among other things, I was a medical transcriptionist. I did freelance for hard to type for doctors. He ended up being one of my clients. He told me one day he wanted me to tell his partner who dictated long, long, long histories and physicals and op notes to cut it short. I said, "No. That isn't my place." He ranted and raved and threatened to fire me. I let him rant and rave and then said, "Are you finished?" He said, "I can fire you!!!!!!" in a screaming voice. I said, "Yes, you can. And you won't get anybody else to type for you because you scare everybody. You are acting like a two year old. So, if you're going to fire me, fire me now. Otherwise, let me finish my work since you are paying me by the hour." He looked at me dumbfounded and limped away to his office and slammed the door. I kept typing. 15 minutes later, he came limping quietly back out. "You know I won't fire you." "I understand that and the next time you yell at me or stomp your foot, I'm going to sit and look at you and charge you for it." He never, ever talked to me that way again. People had let him get away with childish behavior for years because he was a good surgeon and because he was an amputee. I didn't see that as loving. I knew he was lonely - nobody acts that way if they aren't and he didn't have an alcohol or drug problem. He had an attitude problem. He could have fired me. Maybe he would have found somebody else? But regardless, to me he was a human being who didn't scare me but did put me in a position where I could allow his bad behavior, quit, or tell him the truth and take my chances. I needed the money. He needed the transcriptionist. Neither of us needed to be so afraid of being cared about or respected one of us had to shrink like a violet and the other needed to screech like a hawk. I think we both gained something that day.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 18th of June 2014 09:25:26 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 18th of June 2014 09:31:56 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Lucy I had a friend like that too, that at times was rude and abrasive. We sorta broke up but she tried to be friends again, she immediately was rude again. I simply said I give up and that was that.

I agree completely, i refuse to allow anyone to think they can treat me with no respect I don't care who it is.

We teach others how to treat us.

A clue: instead of saying you. I would says you know I felt some abrasiveness and rudeness today when we were visiting. Sometimes not using "you" helps to keep the situation calmer....

Now YOU keep coming back, omg you read and walk the dog and make jewelry?? Are we related??? lol I am serious! lol

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