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I'm living witha " productive(at least until 5pm) AH, my 13yr old daughter , and my 4yr old Son. Does anyone have any advice regarding explaining to my 13yr old what's really happening with her asshole A father? She absolutesly hates him because of how he acts while drinking, before drinking, after his drinking ... and I can't blame her, so do I. I'm trying to work step 1, but should I tell her that her dad simply cannot stop drinking? And we can't make him? She can plainly see what's going on. And he drinks at least 10-12 beers every single day. She even hides them. How tragic, I know. i cannot imagine how destroyed my kids would be if we split. I'd NEVER leave them with him, it seems safer to stay so I can take care of them every minute of the day. My fav part is when he finally passes out at night. I know my son will follow suit with his sister as soon as he gets older and sees how his dad treats his mom.
A good book for here is the Alateen One day at a time...red cover. Al-Anon.org will have the literature list. Also see if there are any Alateen meetings available for her in your area...That program is a part of Al-Anon and if there isn't she is qualified to sit in and participate in Al-Anon. Youngest Al-Anon member I've met recently was 11 and she had her self together. Hope this suggestion is supportive. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 14th of June 2014 01:02:39 AM
You wrote, " cannot imagine how destroyed my kids would be if we split." Is that true? I used to secretly hope and hope and hope that my mom would leave my dad. I knew never to say it because she would might have found it "disloyal." But I hated growing up in the chaos. Just something to think about. Take good care of yourself.
Al-anon and Al-ateen will help both of you. She needs to understand the disease of Alcoholism and you both need to learn how to let go and start taking care of you no matter what happens to him. You say you can't leave so you need to learn to live and teach your children the art of living regardless of his condition. A lot of the time the alcoholic will notice the difference and try to change it back making him the center of attention good or bad so I would back off and let him have his disease without attention to it.
This is not a easy thing to do but it can happen with the help of Al-anon and taking care of YOU...
Keep coming back because you are not alone..
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Hi, Jaybird. I divorced my x - not just because of his substance abuse and drinking issues but because he was abusive, too. My kids were 18 mo and 3, so we didn't talk about anything at those ages. When they were both teens, both said to me: "Mom!!!!!! How did you and Dad EVER get together? You are both so very different from each other." Neither have ever expressed to me or to each other how sad they are that I divorced their Dad. They've had other issues with me and not that one. I couldn't keep myself safe living with him. I sure couldn't keep them safe, too.
I'm not saying you should stay or you should go, but I did want to share with you my own experience of divorcing my x and how my kids saw it and experienced it as being a good thing for me to do and not the devastating thing I feared it would be for them.
I think if shes hiding his beers she has been affected big time and is aware of his alcoholism. I wouldnt tell her that he simply cant stop because he can, he can get help, he can choose to make changes. He has a disease, a compulsion to drink but there is aa that help with this. His treatment of you and the kids is yours to deal with through boundaries and consequences. Think about how you teach your children to behave this way, well its the same thing. Im glad you are attending alanon, that will help you see things logically and your own behaviour will change and your kids will benefit greatly from this whether you stay or go.x
Hi, I have a ten year old....I have told her my thoughts on her dad's disease very briefly...and then I brought her to the alateen board here at miracles in progress. It is not a very active board at all, but it just takes a few more kids for it to be active . Just a bit of reaching out May help her . Many blessings to you and yours . Tanya
It's impossible to predict the future if you split. My kids were very happy when I left my AH. Most teens, from what I have heard,really respect the spouse who leaves the chaos.
Thank you to EVERY single reply Ivery gotten. I've felt so alone for so many years, too embarrassed to say anything to friends or family(which we all know, they KNOW) even one reply would've made a diff but so many feels wonderful. I explained this am to my daughter very causually that her dad has a diasese and needs help that we can't give him, and basically we need to live OUR life without stopping to watch or try to control him.(now only if I can take this advice)
Once I learn a bit more about this process, I will open it to her. Thank you ALL again(I hope my reply is seen by those who've taken the time to write me) I'm still new To this!!
even tho my mother was the alcoholic and was horrible, she was NOTHING compared to the father....he was a monster.....I used to pray being taken out of the awful family
alateen I recommend , let the kids get w/other kids in alcoholic homes to support and help one another....also i agree with Jerry, if there is no alateen, alanon, i know will let a youngster in a meeting...alanon will not turn away anyone who has a qualifyer ruining their life.....
as to kids being destroyed by a breakup??? I agree with Mattie.....of course i had to bad parents, but when she did leave him and we went to visit grandaddy, she was not drinking and life was a hell of a lot better....she didn't even want to drink at grandaddy's house.....so i am wondering if her drinking was just a symptom of her horrific pain, knowing she married a monster and did not know how other to cope but to blank it all out getting drunk.......whatever, I know i hated leaving grandaddy's house.....mom was a better mother...sober....actually treated us like humans when she was at her parent's house....when he would get her back, our hell started all over again.....
i think you got some great replies here and i agree w/a lot of it.....
i hope u r in a strong program, meetings, sponsor helping u work the steps/slogans and there is a lot of literature on the subject and i recommend you tear into all of alanon's suggestions......this program works....your kids need you, so you gotta do everything u can to not let this drunk take you down with him......go or stay, i recommend that you just leave him to his own devices, focus on you and your recovery and those poor kids in this sad , awful situation......
please keep coming back....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
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