The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been doing so much better. I have been focusing on me and my daughter, going to meetings, hanging out with friends and spending time with family. I have been staying out of his drama, not instigating, de-escalating, backing off, letting things go instead of pushing And getting so much better at disengaging myself.
but every once in a while my husband still catches me. His moods come from NOWHERE. Not nowhere, I know, I know it's the alcohol. Every once in a while, he will catch me off guard and it just HURTS. The things he says, the way he acts- it feels like rejection and it just hurts on such a deep level.
I hate ate being the only grown up here. I'm the only person responsible and consistent. Jesus, it must be nice to escape into whatever place he goes when he is drinking- a world where I am always wrong and everything is always my fault and then he's off to bed and wakes up in the morning and doesn't even remember what happened. I wish I could go to bed and not remember the bs i had spewing out of my mouth, or the way I treated my family.
He caught me off guard tonight, and man, the stuff he said just HURTS. I know it will go away, I know I can't control him and that I am choosing to be sad about it- but my emotional side is winning over the logic right now and tonight just sucks.
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 13th of June 2014 06:35:02 AM
__________________
-1lostmom
"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"... Shoot, still working through that.
I am so sorry for your hurts. You are so wise to acknowledge your pain instead of stuffing it away. Even after many years of recovery, I get caught. I used to get so upset with me, because I had a persona of perfectionism I wanted to portray. Now, I work through my default of perfectionism pretty quickly, as I have these wonderful al anon tools and community, and I can sit in my humanity. A boiling tea kettle can blow off steam, so can I. Now, the blowing off is less hurtful to me and others. Keep coming back and blow off your steam to us
There are times when I am completely open and vulnerable and someone comes out from the shadows hating what they see in the light and shoot an arrow of wickedness my way and I melt inside because it does hurt and it was intentional and it comes from someone I love. I have learned to feel it and talk about it with others who aren't afraid of the light and wait until I hear the wisdom from within me or from without that heals and nurtures me. When I am ready, I return to living and loving again. Some of us are heart people and we do get hurt. Its all part of who we truly are and the gift that we carry into life. My sponsor, true friends from the fellowship, and folks on this board are often the healing balm that I need.
I have also learned that those times help me see within my self the desire to get revenge - to get even - to strike back. By feeling the hurt, expressing it to others, listening, allowing the healing balm of love to soothe and heal that new wound within me, I can say no to returning evil for evil. I can also humbly ask my HP to remove that desire for revenge from my heart and trust that that particular prayer will be heard. I am just as capable of striking out as is anyone else. And only my HP knows what and how to remove that desire or to isolate it within me.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 13th of June 2014 09:01:34 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 13th of June 2014 09:07:00 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 13th of June 2014 09:39:08 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 13th of June 2014 10:28:15 AM
In England there is a cricket term called bowling a googly - it is when the bowler sends a ball to the batsman with an unusual and unexpected spin on it. Its such a silly name, so that is what I call it when AH catches me unawares! I find that when I'm doing well I drop my guard (why wouldn't I??)
I love hearing that you are managing to disengage and to spend some good time with friends and family. It helps me a lot when I can build up some good memories like that in the course of the day. I like what Grateful said about seeing the desire for revenge within oneself - not sure about you, but nine times out of ten if I'm having negative self talk it includes an element of 'and take that, bam! pow! I have a list of nice things that people have said about me that I go and read at times like that (its not a long list lol! But it does help ).
).