the albatross - Al-Anon Family Group

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

the albatross

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Mel, im sorry, its a really sad situation you are in, your pain comes through. It could be growing pains, the awareness that I got when I woke up was disgust, anger, sadness, grief. Its like finally accepting a death or a deep loss. Its more than the loss of the person, its all your hopes, future plans and dreams and the part of you that you invested. You wont always feel this way, well I dont anymore. That pain is mostly gone now for me but I got away, so I understand it may be harder to heal while the scab keeps getting picked at. Thanks for sharing.x

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

It is grief, el-cee. Thank-you for understanding and not judging. The other night I had this absurd conversation with him when he was too drunk to even move where I told him, I am grieving for you. It's like you died years ago and I just can't let go. Of course he didn't hear or remember. I guess, I have to deal with the reality, a very sick man and even more importantly, myself and my amazing child. I am the only grown-up here. I am waiting for a teacher to show up and tell everyone to play nice but, actually, I have to do this. It's weird how al-anon teaches you to be powerless and take charge at the same time. I can cope and it doesn't hurt more than I can take.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Ive no right to judge, I stayed for years and brought 3 kids up in the chaos so I understand the power of the addiction and not being able to let go. Its like something, somewhere in our minds cant work out how to cut the ties, just let it go. Im not sure it can be forced, for me, it was more of a process, like baby steps towards freedom. I had to deal with each long held belief one at a time. The more I discarded the closer I got and it got easier the more I did it. I done it all back to front with my ex, I upped and left and then got alanon so it was my son and my ex to some extent that I had to unravel from my subconscious.

Grieving is part of life with an a, I felt like I grieved every time he picked up the bottle. It was this weird groundhog day kind of scenario, he would drink, I withdrew, resented and grieved, he would sober up, promise not to do it again, I would reattach, believe him, build up my hopes that it was this time, and of course 2 or 3 days later he would drink and back to square one. I never seemed to learn and change any part of it really, I tried to be nicer or stricter or tidier or prettier and on and on but the pattern never changed. Wow, sometimes I think is that the true meaning of an eeijit? Lol, well I feel like that sometimes, but ive snapped out of it now and you have too. Just go easy on yourself, it is working.x

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Missmeliss, Coming out of denial into awareness and acceptance is indeed painful but oh so necessary.
Remember you are not alone and that prayers for courage, and wisdom are always answered. HP will guide you and I will also include you and your family in my prayers.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Mel, you are so smart and I believe part of you knows the answers to your own questions. Sounds like not just alcoholism, but a sociopath and violent person who abuses women. This type of abuse is systematic and occurs over long periods of time. Predators may choose women who are vulnerable at the time...not able to drive, single mother, low self esteem...Plus, I'm betting when you met him, he was more charming and the abuse wasn't so obvious.
This guy is a violent predator with alcoholism yes. But I sense he has worn you down through years of abuse. Part of that abuse has always been and continues to be telling you and literally making you feel "it's all your fault." As his disease has progressed, the abuse is now more pathetic and obvious and the "it's all your fault" is happening multiple times a day. He sensed shame issues you had and played on them...and continues to. He saw a crack in you that you would believe you couldn't live without him and systematically worked that. This is what makes it hard to leave even now..
trauma and brainwashing.

Mel, I know we all try hard not to be victims and there have been posts here on "not playing victim"...but I can't help but feel this guy has victimized you so badly. I'm literally crying for you Mel and it's not because I feel sorry for you. It's because a series of crimes have been perpetrated upon you in a way that is systematic and evil.

Most women having been through this would probably never reach this level of awareness you have. I think you feel sickened by him because you see him for what he is. An alcoholic yes....but more so a predator and abuser in multiple ways. It's not your fault mel. I'm proud you let us in and have come as far as you have. You are strong.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I know he is a sociopath. He's a carbon copy of my father. alanon is the first thing that has ever made me smile and stop hating myself. . the first thing that has ever made me feel like, it will be OK. I will be OK. I will be OK. My daughter will be OK. I am not a sociopath, my kid is not a sociopath, we are OK. My dad is a drunk and so is my boyfriend so, I have qualifiers. This programm is the best thing I have ever experienced and I think it really might set me free.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I've been on sabbatical, but your post really touched me...I know..I have gotten on you re program ONLY b/c i was really afraid for you and your girl.....Nooo I would not judge you, I have bollixed up my life b4 recovery too, I married what I was raised in....abuse.....the predators beat us down early on and so we have ZERO self esteem, we become victims b/c thats all we know.....and then the predator comes in and sees this pretty girl who is vulnerable, low self esteem, needing sooo much to be loved she aches inside....and he pounces, but not hard, it is a process...a slow, cancerous process...it took me a long time to get beaten down by my FOO, adn subsequent relationships,but it happened...

And then I married abuse...I learned to "teach" men to abuse me b/c my father killed my self esteem and my ability to even care about myself...so the abusers piled up and lower and lower i sank in despair, loneliness, and the rounds and rounds of that old familiar misery I thought I deserved....

U R A beautiful soul who has much to offer life and so do you, Melly...You have so much to give an receive in the way of joy and healthy self expression, prosperity and good love.....I want you to have the healing you deserve so you can love yourself and DEMAND what you deserve......And recycle that good to others who are or were in your position and who are still hurting inside.....

Oh I know exactly how you feel, some how i got out and drug my little coda ass in recovery, like you now have had the guts to do and its the inner core part of you that is SCREAMING "HELP ME" and Melly, u will get out.....I am just praying that you get out and away b4 this dangerous predator hurts you.....I remember seeing your picture on your avatar....I saw a young, vibrant , full of life girl, but I also saw much pain in your eyes, even tho you tried valiantly to hide it with a smile, I, another survivor of abuse, saw the pain.....

Life is out there...I will pray for yours and your girl's safety and please dont hate me for being to motherly and too coda in regards to some of my posts to you.....I wish i could give you a big hug so i will send you one from Tx, USA to your area.......

I posted many times to you, promoting alanon b/c I was honestly concerned...I really am concerned...I can care, with detachment, b/c i have to put you in your maker's hands and ask him to do something give u a sign...a boost, whatever you need to get out of there...................HUGS...........and PLEASE know that we care about you....I wasn't going to post, but my creator told me "this child needs a lot of love an encouragement and proof that she is WORTH IT!!!!!" So creator got on my derriere to post to you ..........BIG comfort hugs.....and noone is going to judge you....Not in this loving room....

I am praying for you and your girl......

-- Edited by neshema2 on Thursday 12th of June 2014 07:41:21 PM

-- Edited by neshema2 on Thursday 12th of June 2014 11:35:21 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Melly, what is your greatest need right now?

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs .. please be gentle with yourself .. I'm so sorry you are having such a hard painful time. Please DO take care of you. Sending love and support your way, hugs S :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Your awareness is grand, you work a good program and are progressing. I hear so much growth in your post and am so glad for you that you are able to come here and be vulnerable to your MIP family without shame! I am sending you so much love, prayers and support my sister!

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