The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I met the alcoholic/drug addict in April 2013. I didn't know he was what he was until it was too late. I got pregnant two months into the relationship and "tried" to do the right thing by sticking with him. I'm 34 years old and was very careful. It really was an accident. In the process, I created a business for him under my name since his practice failed (he's a doctor) and he is avoiding paying creditors so now I am even more "tied" to him. My whole pregnancy sucked. He is so selfish, I didn't get any support. He kicked me out multiple times in the winter when I was heavily pregnant because I refused to have his drug addict friends in my house. He is on probation for a driving related charge so I have been his personal chauffeur for over a year now. Of course, in his mind, I should feel fulfilled and privileged that he is in my life but I never get any support - not with my newborn, not with any personal goals, am completely neglected sexually I feel completely alone. This all came to head a couple of weeks ago when after I drove him around to various places for his birthday and bought him a $600 grill - and asked him to stop drinking because it was getting out of control --- HUGE fight. He threatened to drive on his own (he was SO DRUNK) so I tried to keep him in the house. He calls the police and guess what? Me with NO CRIMINAL HISTORY WHATSOEVER the "good girl" gets arrested for domestic violence. I am an advanced practice registered nurse and was trying to keep a drunk jerk off the streets. I had court last week and it was dismissed.
Since then he has "promised" to "dry up" and says he has been drug free for two weeks and he vomits and tremors all the time from the alcohol detox , oh how I love my life.
I literally cannot stand him. Even now, when he should be kissing my ass about lying to the police about my "abuse" and months of verbal abuse and neglect it's "my fault" if he drinks because I'm not little miss sunshine 24/7. I HATE HIM AND I WANT OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP!!!
I watch my son almost 24/7. When he is with him, it's for an hour at the most at a time and it's only when my son isn't fussy or sleeping. Then I get accused of having "anger issues" now when I'm cranky from:
1. No relationship, no support, living with a selfish prick 24/7
2. Driving selfish prick around 24/7
3. Not having any time for my needs (showering, studying for my doctorate, going out with friends)
4. Running a business the selfish prick does NO ACCOUNTING on because Mr. Doctor is too good for "clerical work"
I want OUT NOW. But how can I when I am so financially tied to this jerk? Also, now that I have a domestic violence arrest on my record, even though dismissed, how will I be able to get full custody of my son?
I do not want my son growing up to think he can treat women the way his Father treats me. Nor do I think he is a good role model.
Can anyone relate? I need help. I'm very depressed.
Dear ksmommy, welcome to MIP. I am glad you found us and shared with such honesty and clarity. I can certainly identify and completely understand what you are experiencing and how you feel. There are many others here who can do likewise. I am so sorry that life is so difficult at the moment but believe me there is hope.
Alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. Living with the disease affects us in an extremely negative manner and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing. You , as I, have experienced the results of this irritability because of your recent experience with the law.
Al-Anon is a fellowship of men and women have experienced living with the disease and understand as perhaps few others can. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages. I urge you to look up a convenient meeting and attend. Meetings enabled me to break the isolation of which you spoke, connect with others who truly understand, receive the support that I truly needed and develop a healthy ability to respond and not react.
It is suggested we make no major life changes for the first six months program. That is because during that time we are learning to let go of destructive actions and develop new constructive tools. These tools help to make the right decisions so that we can choose wisely.
Please keep coming back here as well you are not alone
Welcome. I understand that anger and that get out of Dodge NOW feeling. I ditto all that Betty has suggested. There is hope for you in the rooms of Al-Anon. It won't change him for you to attend meetings and learn more about this disease and how it has affected you but it can help you change what you think is necessary for you to change. Sending loads of encouragement your way. Thanks for reaching out.
Hi Betty thank you so much and also to grateful2be. I love what you said "respond not react". I will be going to a meeting tomorrow. And also about making no major life decisions - that to me is like signing up for misery the next six months but it is sound advice. I appreciate it.
ksmommy I am glad that you have found a meeting. The tools and support that you receive will enable you to face the difficult days with new tools and as the result, the pain will lessen and be replaced by the serenity, courage and wisdom of the program .That is the reason for waiting .
Remember to keep coming back as it is "Progress not perfection and " You are worth it
I agree with everyone above ;) I will also add to try different meetings and find the ones where you feel safe and comfortable. One of our slogans is one day at a time. I love that slogan and used it yesterday. I can break it down to one minute at a time or one hour at a time on the difficult days. I don't have to solve all my problems today, and with the programs help I found some of them just solved themselves with time. More is always revealed with time ;) You are in my thoughts and prayers ;) blessings on your recovery journey
-- Edited by karma13 on Thursday 12th of June 2014 04:02:07 PM
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
I too have felt as overwhelmed, angry, scared and confused. I have hated as strongly as you describe. My loneliness ran so deep that I didn't believe I could make it another day. And oh my, holding my breath. Not really breathing at all, just on stand by for the next crisis, the next conflict. And God knows, I made some pretty bad choices when it came to making an investment in an alcoholic.
You are not alone. I promise. None of us got here full of joy, peace and serenity. We were broke. We had spent years trying to fix every thing, arrange everything, take charge of anything, and meet every obligation. And we had started drowning in the disease of alcoholism with our alcoholic.
Coming into Al-Anon and redefining ourselves so that we could untie our thoughts, feelings, actions, moods, sorrows, joys, and find out we did not have to be tied to the hip of someone else to get our needs met was such freedom! It didn't mean we had to leave our alcoholics, it meant simply that we had to take ownership of our lives, the quality of them, and stop letting the disease of another dictate everything from the time we woke until we closed our eyes at night. We could finally stop looking at someone else to see what kind of day we were going to have.
Please, I know its hard, I know it hurts, but try to get to as many meetings as you can. Get and read some Al-Anon literature and keep posting here. You will find your way out of the pain you are feeling so deeply today.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
