Marrying an Alcoholic - Al-Anon Family Group

bail01 · Member

Marrying an Alcoholic

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

It's never too late to take care of yourself and do what you know is right for you. I'm very sorry for the loss of your father, I know how hard that is and I, too, lost my dad while my husband was actively drinking. Have you tried Al Anon meetings in your area? I suggest you try them and see if the program has something to offer you. You don't owe him anything but Al Anon might help you determine exactly what you do want and if you want a future with this man. Sending you lots of hugs and support today. Living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Your last sentence said it all to me. If you feel your life would be made hell by him if you leave, something is very, very wrong.

It is perfectly natural you felt embarrassed by all this. Let me tell you, you have no reason to be ok? It is his disease that is causing all this heartache not you.

He is an addict, born with this horrible disease. Almost no one can live happily with an A especially if they are using. We hope they will get on a plan of recovery, a plan how he and he alone will deal with his disease. NOT just drinking and using other drugs, they lie, they manipulate, they are horribly selfish. Usually morals are not so hot either.

One thing I believe in is a breather. A time when people separate themselves from each other to see how they feel. To heal up and get back to themselves and get a better perspective. Whether it is permanent or not, time will tell.

As far as embarrassment, it is easy to see you found out how really bad it was after you married.

People make mistakes all the time!! If someone does not forgive you and love you anyway, they never did love you!

I invite you to follow what you know is right for you. You do know, I can tell by your post. He is a big boy and can take care of himself!

I am very sad you lost your daddy, that hurts! I still miss mine terribly.

Please, I invite you to stop, go somewhere peaceful and think about what you want. I am sad you are going thru this, however you are very couragious to face it, share it and want to take action to change it!

Once someone told me to go for what I wanted and not let anyone stand in my way. I love that, I live that. (c: welcome, we already love you!

bail01 · Member

Thank you both so much for your quick reply. Debilyn, you are right about my last sentence. Today after telling him that I think leaving him might be the best option for me, he immediately started saying "we're selling the house! You can move out! I'm not paying the mortgage! I'm taking the dog.." etc. His reasoning was that it was that he was so hurt that he felt he needed to hurt me back. It's a huge red flag and I'm scared as to what he's going to try and do.
I am very embarrassed over the situation and just the thought of telling my family and friends makes me sick, but you're right, everyone makes mistakes. I need to take care of myself for once...

hopes314 · Senior Member

I found out I have a lot of love and that I am very loyal. So loyal that I can't see the true chaos around me. You have so much love to give this person. Only you know what is best for you. I love the readings. It helps me to understand this disease which is so life taking

sadsusie · Senior Member

Bail,

I am so glad you found this MIP board. They have been my sounding board, my shoulder to lean on, and my "tell it like it is" family. I am still married to my AH, going on14 years. He was an alcoholic for 8+ years before I reality hit me. I eventually gave up all friends, barely spoke to my family, maybe a text here or there. I couldn't make it through a phone call at holidays without crying. I didn't know which way was up and didn't know why I was sad all the time. Please don't be hard on yourself. I wanted to see the best in my situation until It got the better of me. $150,000 later and an additional loan from my parents, and a weakened broken spirit... I literally packed a bag and hit the road. Spent a few days with my family, and let out all my secrets. They still love me. And if they say mean things behind my back - shame on them. (just saying)

I am sorry for the loss of your Father. He is watching over you and only wants the best for you. I urge you to connect with your higher power and do what is right for YOU. Take care of YOU. forget what the world thinks.

I can only share my experiences. I am currently in my own state of conflict trying to decide myself if I want to continue to live in this chaos. After living away for 4 months and return after his Rehab and then relapse... I am not even sure if I will like my AH even if he gets sober. We/He is planning a move...and I am at a point where I am ready to just let him move and I stay behind. I wonder how worse it could be living alone. I already live alone, alone with his dysfunction.

I will also urge you not to be too hard on yourself. Don't beat yourself up over things. It is what it is. And get thee to a face to face meeting. I wish you all the best, keep coming back.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP... I'm glad your here.

No matter what people might think of you it is non of your business. What you do is for YOU and your life. How old are you? What do you want for the rest of your young life.

You might benefit from Al-anon meetings for find some clarity in all this.

Just don't let others decide for you what is best....only you know that.

As one of my good MIP friends says....

" He is going to drink or he's not....what are you going to do"

((( hugs )))

bail01 · Member

Thank you so much for sharing your story susie. Im so glad I found this place too. Ive been feeling so guilty today like this is my fault and I got myself in this situation and that I "should" try and save our marriage. But ive been trying to save our relationship for years and nothing works. I just cant imagine willingly bringing a child into the mix, even if he got sober for more than a year I know that I will always wonder "what if" and thats not how I want to live my life. It makes me sad knowing my dads whatching oover me and feeling sad that im going througu this, but he absolutely would want me to be happy.

tiredtonite · Member

I want to offer you my sympathies concerning the death of your dad.

As far as your marriage, the Alanon program can help you to find the right answers for your future.

When I came into Alanon, my life was one big reaction. I wasn't living a life of my own. I was a follower of other people's lives, living my life for others but I couldn't see my part in that. I held them responsible for how I acted toward them. If only they would behave then I wouldnt have to do this or that. I thought I was the healthy one and I thought I was right. I thought they were unhealthy because they were alcoholic and because they were alcoholic, I decided that made them wrong all the time. I had no humility and I had no program until I decided to work the steps. I had a lot to work to do on myself. I'm glad today that I got myself to in person Alanon meetings and stayed with this program. Life is full of challenges and although I've resolved some of my defects with the help of God, I still have my share of things to work on in myself. It doesn't feel scarey to look at my choices today. I'm grateful.

I hope you keep coming back and with the help of the god of your understanding, you and your husband make a choice concerning your marriage that is best. (((hugs))) TT

bail01 · Member

Thank you everyone. I will be 27 in a few months. My biggest fear is that I stay and I will look back at this time in a year (or 2, 5 etc) and wish that I had left now. I am not happy and I feel like im too young to be living in such worry and sadness. Thank you all for your kind words and condolences for my dad.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello. Welcome to MIP. I'm glad you are here. As you have probably discovered, there are people here who can be a source of comfort and support for you. My Dad died in March. I know how hard this can be for any daughter who was close to her Dad. Al-Anon can also be a very good source of help and fellowship for you. When my Mom died of cancer, I sought out the help of Hospice counselors when I discovered how "not in a good place" I was with it. Their program was not very long and it helped me so much. I do hope you have friends who can comfort and support you, too. You have two very challenging issues to face and to work through. Reaching out for help like you have done here is such a healthy thing to do. Please keep coming back and check out Al-Anon meetings in your area. They can make a big difference for you in your relationship to your husband and most importantly with yourself.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP and I extend my condolences as well. I urge you to listen to your fears, often we say fear is false evidence appearing real. Often it is, however, I don't believe it is always the case. I sense you know what is the best action for you and maybe pride is an obstacle? Al anon has been suggested and that suggestion is truly a life saver. Keep coming back.

karma13 · Senior Member

Most of my life I have had hitched my hopes and dreams to someone elses wagon. I'll be 43 in four days. This past year and a half, I have finally started listening to my true self..what god wants for me in my heart. Your story sounds so familiar to me, the whirlwind courtship, the denial, the fighting and making up and breaking up. That was all very addictive to me. Focusing completely on him and not on what I needed was my life...his alcoholic brother was living with us, two of his kids with add, and he was drinking every night himself...still I denied anything was going on, until he attempted to break it off with me. He told me " you remind me of my ex without the alcohol" .. I knew something was very wrong with me and by the grace of God I got to my first alanon meeting. I've been going on and off again ever since. They loved me until I could love myself. I realized along the way I couldn't control anyone but me, some days I still think I can but then I go to the steps..My husband is dry now no program. I used to want him to have a program, but somewhere along the way I realized my recovery was for me, not my family and not him. I wish I could have got into the program when I was a lot younger, but as they say I arrived right on time. Face to face meetings were the ticket for me, there are online meetings as well ( helpful) ..I like the hugs I get face to face. Alanon suggests to wait six months of working your program before you make any life changing decisions. I hear in your posting you didn't want to marry him...that voice was your intuition. I heard that same voice when I married my past husband. I didn't listen. I thought that I had invited all these people, how could I say I made a mistake and cancel at the last minute? what would they all think of me? That mistake cost me my home I had paid for in full. That's ok though, I'm grateful, I have a new house now...life changes all the time. I'm happier in my current home. I love it :) I would have to say my life is completely different now, since I have been working my program, I am glad I held out on making decisions that would have affected my life now. Somehow we stayed together, his brother is long gone from my home, one of his sons is as well, our life is a lot quieter and serene, but at this point I am realizing I am enough. He can be a part of my life, or my parents can, friends can, but noone can be my whole life anymore. Blessings, love and prayers :) Thank you for letting me share with you

bail01 · Member

PP, I think pride has always been an obstacle for. I always said that I didn't want to tell my family cuz they'd worry about me (which they would), but in reality, I didn't want people judging me for staying or judging him for the disease. He desperately wants to work things out, but it makes me so angry that it took me basically telling him I was done (and being serious about it) to finally realize how much he has hurt me emotionally. Tonight I'm finally going to tell my mom about the situation. I need to tell someone in my life that is close to me (that's not on his side of the family). I feel so guilty that I'm not "trying" harder to fix it, but I haven't been happy in so long and I feel at 27, this isn't how I should be living my life. I'm happy in the other aspects of my life, I feel happier when I'm at work then when I'm at home with him...I actually posted in this forum back when he admitted to being an A.. I should have taken the advice then and I don't want to be in this exact situation in another 6 months or year or 5...

Thanks for letting me vent everyone.

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome bail01 and thanks for sharing. I highly suggest reading the book, "Getting Them Sober, Vol. 4," going to Al-Anon meetings, reading Al-Anon literature and getting a sponsor. All of these things helped to give me clarity and helped me to find serenity after suffering from my AH's disease right along with him. Sending you lots of support. You came to the right place. Here's where you can find a meeting in your area: www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings

-- Edited by Green Eyes on Thursday 12th of June 2014 01:54:46 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience, they don't really get how much they hurt people until they are actively working their recovery program for a while. When my husband was using (prescription drugs and alcohol), when it appeared as though he was remorseful, it was another con. It wasn't until a few years into his recovery that he could acknowledge how selfish, self centered and manipulative he was. And I was a pretty good read of people generally, but the disease is unbelievably cunning. To break my addiction I had to only believe people in recovery, I put my faith in the program and God and not in ANYTHING I heard coming out of my husbands mouth. And I stopped hiding...keep talking here, share with people that love you, break the isolation, get humble and get real. If not, you will continue to die inside. Your anger is your friend right now, harness it and take the right action for you. He has a right to live the life he chooses and so do you.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I totally feel your pain. I almost called off my wedding 2 days before because of lies and fighting. That was almost 12 years ago. I have a beautiful child from my marriage...but I have lived many years in anxiety, anger and pain. I left him in March. I hope you don't mind some blunt advice. It's been my experience that living with an addict only made my life miserable. It got worse and worse. Their words mean nothing unless you really see action on their part to change. It would be so much easier to do this before you have children. You deserve better. Read al anon books, go to meetings, get a sponsor. Toby Rice Drews books "getting them Sober" helped me a lot too.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Also, it really doesn't matter what other people think. It's your life. I had to tell my AH family things about him because I was afraid he was going to die and I wanted them to know the truth. It's ok to tell your family and maybe even his. He will get mad if you tell his family, but maybe they can do an intervention. This is your life. How do you want to live it?

bail01 · Member

Thank you newlife girl. I definitely do not mind the blunt advice as what you said is exactly what I'v been feeling. I definitely want kids at some point, but the last thing I want to do is willingly bring a child into this relationship when I'm not even happy in it. I know that a child would just make things worse and a lot harder to leave. I'm trying so hard to not care what people think, but it's easier said than done. I think the first step in that is talking to my mom tonight and slowly telling close friends and so on. His family knows about his addiction. He had no choice but to tell them since he went to a 3 week treatment (they paid for it) and he owed them a lot of money and had to explain why. However, they think he's been clean and sober since he got out 6 months ago where in reality he hasn't been clean or sober since February. I think that's part of the reason why he's begging me to stay.. he's ashamed to admit to his friends/family/work what is actually going on.
I definitely don't want to live my life this way.. I can't imagine living the rest of my life in fear and anxiety. I know he says this time is different (heard it before), but I truly don't believe that I can forgive and forget what he has done in the past (which isn't fair to either of us). I know even if he's been clean for months or years, I'll always still have that fear that it could change at any given moment.

Beatrice · Senior Member

Bail,
Get thee to an Alanon meeting.

Even if you choose not to be with this man, there is something in us that looks for excitement, nurturing or taking care of other people.

We will be drawn to other men with some kind of emotional problem or another alcoholic.

The problem is external that is true with the effect being the alcoholic. But Alanon will help you take the journey into yourself, so you can sort out what
kind of life you want for yourself. What direction you should be going and knowing your on the right path.

I wish you good luck, look for an alanon meeting in your area, you won't regret it.

Hugs, Bettina

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I know it's easier said than done about what other people think. Here's a good one for you. My AH and I were coworkers! He got fired a few months ago. I still work there. Some people think I left because he got fired, since I moved out right before it happened. They have no idea what I have been through. Some of the have an idea he has a drinking problem, because he has told people. I am in a difficult situation. But I hold my head up high and try to say very little at work. It's hard when people ask me about him, sometimes I just break down crying. I don't talk about the drinking. Anyway...this has been a nightmare come true for me. But, I keep going to work and trying my best. You also don't have to tell people everything. I used to think I owed people an explanation...we don't!! You can always say it just didn't work out. Please try and get a sponsor if you can. Mine has been a life saver

bail01 · Member

Wow, that must be very tough not only living, but working with him. You're right, we don't owe an explanation to anyone. My plan is tell the people close to me what i feel comfortable telling them and anyone else, we'll see as time goes on or they can find out on their own. I also don't want to make him out to be the devil to everyone. He is a good guy underneath it all, he just has this stupid addiction that rules his life. Yes, some of the things he has done to me have been really shitty, but it doesn't mean everyone has to know all of the details.
I'll be looking into alanon meetings for sure.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.