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I had a pretty frustrating night last night and today. It has been 2 or 3 mo since I saw my alcoholic exbf , And I'll say it has been pretty peaceful and calm!! I do not miss his alcoholism!!! But I do miss the real him. We haven't talked, and he called me Sunday to see how I was doing and tell me he really misses me and hasn't dated and has never in his life had less of a desire to do so.(same w/ me actually.) He feels responsible, is genuinely sorry for the pain he caused, and knows that I am not going to take him back in the condition he is in but that he is making changes and doesn't want to say much, but hopes by the time he can offer me what I deserve there is still a chance. (there is no chance in hell as long as this guy is drinking. Which he is. Currently his friends are 'helping' him use the cut back method. good luck to them all.)
The last two days we talked about God and life, and in short he is truly my soul-mate. We cried, laughed, and I saw the real him again. Never do. Great intentions to the point where I have never seen him try so hard but he just ended up doing the same crappy behavior b/c he can't use proper judgement! Monday night after we talked about some infidelity issues of long ago.. he texted: ' I am truly sorry I never put you as #1. And caused so much mistrust in our relationship!" I texted back. you should be calling me and telling me that. Replied: "I was trying to be respectful I can call you later if you'd like," (Later b/c he is drinking with an older woman from work who also likes booze.)
The message was ironic: I will call you to apologize for not putting you first after I am done drinking. You have to wait.
HAHA!!!. I just said, Don't bother. At this point, I don't even want to try this friendship out after only day 2. The bottom line is, I learned something SO valuable. Even though this guy cried over losing me for months, in the end, alcohol is the stronger pull. and no matter how much in his heart he wanted to be in my life, and was willing to settle for friendship on any level.. he still could not even act appropriate for longer than two days b/c of his drinking and erratic moods. I didn't want an explanation of what he was doing and why he couldn't call, I pulled the plug on my own and decided that I want no company if that is the company he is offering in my life right now.
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Tuesday 10th of June 2014 09:55:27 PM
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Tuesday 10th of June 2014 09:58:38 PM
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
I really had a hard time getting I was never going to be enough to beat the draw of the alcohol. Thanks for share because it is a good reminder for me over how powerless I am over alcohol. I have to keep the focus on me and take care of me first.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Yeah, we really are no match for the disease. You're doing a good job setting healthy boundaries to hold onto your serenity. The alternative is to for us to keep giving ourselves away hoping this time will be different but it never is. He'll get sober for good or he won't but good for you for not being willing to have him on his sit back and wait for me terms. Your time is valuable. I know it feels lonely and sad, I've been where you are. I tried to fill the time with program friends and others who are trustworthy and connecting with my higher power. It helped some with adjusting to the empty space where he once was. Thanks for your share. Glad you're here with us. ((((hugs)))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Good insights Giraffe. I truly understand believing in someone and seeing their potential underlying the disease of alcoholism. I can almost get the "soulmate" thing except that the alcoholism is such a red flag it negates that and also there are sooooooo many men out there that would also have the traits you like in him WITHOUT the red flags so I'd believe your real soul mate is still out there. This was not the one. Life is short...way too short to hold out for what someone may or may not become later. Your post read like a giant AHA moment of "Screw later. I deserve better today!" And you do. You treat yourself better and stick to your boundaries. Healthier people need only apply to be in your trusted circle.
I can absolutely love the alcoholic, but I must never fool myself into believing I can compete with active alcoholism. Two things I have to remember... the relationship with alcohol is more valuable than the relationship with me to the active alcoholic, and the person that is most important in the relationship, surely isn't going to be me... Active alcoholics are the most important person in their world.
I am glad you are taking care of you in this situation Giraffe. I have experienced what you are experiencing and I know its hard to have to go through. How much exposure you give yourself to the alcoholic can make a difference in how hard it is to go through. I know it was for me. I had to stop the texting and the phone calls, etc and simply stand by the "we have nothing to really discuss until you get and stay sober for a while. Until then, I need to move on and not make my future plans around the hope of a active alcoholic".
You are surely moving in the right direction.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Good for you for seeing what you see. I had to cut off all texts and calls when I separated, otherwise I would have been tempted to "take a drink (him), once again" and then the confusion would have begun.
