Hello. Thank you for sharing yourself here with us. This disease can be so cunning, baffling and powerful. It is excruciatingly painful at times to be in relationship to a person with it and I can remember not knowing which way was up or what next right step was mine to take when I was caught up in the throws of much of what you describe here. It appears to me from what you share that you have a lot to cope with right now? Heavy, not ordinary run of the mill stuff. I am glad you are reaching out and asking for help and support? WE do suggest Al-Anon meetings for people who love somebody with this disease if you haven't already gone that route? Maybe you said so and I missed it? We also have on-line meetings here twice a day. Please come back here, too. Many of us have gone through much of what you've shared here. For me, the Al-Anon program was one of the best ways I could find to help me discover what I needed to do for me to live the best life I could for me at the time and to be educated on the disease and the ways others were utilizing the tools of the program to improve their lives and heal themselves with others who shared their own stories of how it was before they came to Al-Anon, and what they've learned is a better way for them now. The program is for us and not for our loved ones and thank heavens there is one just for us. Keep coming back. You're not alone.

Thank you for your kind words everyone. I have always been one to stand on my own, but I realize I am weaker than I thought. I have been to al-anon f2f before and didn't like what I saw or heard, plus there aren't very many meetings near me. I will try to get online and go to one of the meetings you all speak of on here. For now, I will not make any decisions about me or us. It is too fresh and with everything else going on in my life, I am not of the right mind to do so. I will continue to reach out for help and I hope with time, with or without her, I can find the peace you all speak of. Right now, I can still hardly breathe and having all of the regular fatherly/student responsibilities is outright overwhelming. Hope to see you at one of the online meetings and again thank you for listening.

I hear you being a full-time student and parent can be completely overwhelming. It is a lot of responsibility for one person.

"I have always been one to stand on my own, but I realize I am weaker than I thought." - I use to feel like that but now I realize vulnerability can also be a gift.

Sending prayers.....

Hello Needing, Welcome to the MIP community. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this - I know it hurts a lot.

This is a place that has helped me more than I can say, reading the stories of others and identifying with our similarities has helped me to sometimes recognise the difference between the disease of alcoholism and the person who is in its grip (and sometimes I have to admit that person is me in the sense that my own life gets turned upside down even though it is my husband who picked up the glass).

It sounds to me as though you have a lot coming at you from all directions. I can relate to that. The anxiety that I felt when my mother was dying and my AH was starting his affair made it difficult for me to focus on anything much, the last thing on my mind was my own self care! These boards helped me to learn about what I could and couldn't influence and the importance of taking care of myself (by doing things that I enjoyed, by valuing myself with treats). Meditation helped me a lot (tapes and books) plus yoga helped me to sleep at night. Counselling helped me to raise my self esteem (although I'm still working on that one!). These were the tools I used to try and restore my balance so that I could start to make some decisions. It felt good when I realised that I did not need to fix everything in one fell swoop btw and I admire your awareness in giving yourself time as well.

My husband hurt me with his affair and I tried not to show how hurt I was. I cared about him more than I cared about myself. Then one day I had the following thought 'what would I do if I took alcohol out of the equation?' In other words, how would I have reacted if AH had been sober when he had his affair? Well I would have hit the roof and he would have known just how angry and hurt I was. I might have noticed how angry and hurt I was as well come to think of it.

After 18 months of trying to 'hold it together' I told my husband that I could not stand him being still in touch with his girlfriend and I asked for a divorce. Similar situation as you - just texts blah blah and ' they were not going to sleep together again'. I believe him a bit, but I was constantly waiting for that shoe to drop again, and therefore driving myself nuts in the process. I made my choice to leave because I liked who I used to be and I did not like the resentful, tired, angry middle aged woman that I was becoming. As you've found out that is not someone anyone wants to tolerate!

My husband dropped the girlfriend and started to engage in counselling. He started on his journey to quit drinking as well.

AH and I are still together - but it has not been at all easy. Heavens, it wasn't even easy yesterday! Those negative feelings that I had allowed to fester for so long are now one of the big hurdles in our relationship. I had no idea how much my view and trust of AH had been undermined - or how un-ready he was to start rebuilding that trust (he struggles to deal with his feelings about himself). I never imagined that my feelings for him would change as much as they have or that I would want to hurt him, ever. I love him. I care about him. And sometimes I would like to break a hard object over his head. Its complicated and not always pretty

I hope that you will stay around and join us on these boards. You've already had some great advice so I hope you don't mind my sharing a bit of my story - yours resonated with me so much.

Needing Help wrote:

---

Thank you milkwood. Every second of the day I go back and forth on what to do. Hard as it's not the first time....or the only man. I will stick around in here. I have ordered the alanon books and will work at this no matter how hard it is to find myself through all of this, while trying to keep my boys from slipping deeper into their own turmoil. You have all helped me greatly so far and I hope to be stable and continually recovering just like all of you someday.

---

 hey Needing...this is why i suggested that you do nothing until you have had at minimum 6 mos. alanon and all its meetings, steps and slogans, all of it under your belt.....u can't make decisions that are rational when you are in so much pain.....I do hope you keep coming back....that was a heck of a post from milkwood....she is bigger person than I am b/c  I won't give 2nd chance to one who commits the  2   "A's"     abuse.....adultery.......those are deal breakers for me.....BUT that is just me....trust is a biggie to me....if my trust is broken, it can't be repaired due to my history.......however each person has to reach their own conclusions......what is best thing to do is up to the individual........

i am glad u came here and reached out.....there are some really good folks here with a lot of wisdom.....

Neshema, I will heed your advice and not make any decisions until there is a better grasp on both of our current feelings and recovery efforts. I will also try to find a way to deal with the current complications of financial co-dependence and no where else for her to live at the same time. The only thing I can currently come up with is her on the couch for now.

Debilyn, I have also thought about the fact that we are best friends and maybe our love for each other is something we both may confusing for something else.

I may through therapy and time find that I can once again forgive, or that I cannot. I am feeling better today by just having spilled the ugly truth out for all to hear and hearing all of your responses, whether they are what I think I want to hear or not. I have ordered both the One day at a Time and Courage to Change. I need to find myself through all of this while protecting and strengthening our boys at the same time. All of which will be complicated by continuing to live together.

She is supposed to come home tomorrow, if they feel she is stable enough to do so. I will continue to listen to the discussions in these groups and I will keep coming back because I have to and I now know I have to or I will never heal.

Welcome to MIP and Alanon,

Nobody can give you advice on whether you should stay with your wife or not.

I know whatever decision you make, its still going to be painful either way.

I for one don't believe in society's rules on marriage as each relationship is unique and I also love Alanon's philosophy of hands off.

This is one decision that is yours and yours alone.

I would try attending Alanon meetings again. I ask you if your therapist has knowledge of addictions, as having these issues opens up a whole new
brand of problems.

The choice is always yours, but life is not black and white, give it time. We don't make a decision to leave our addict partners and wake up the next
day serene and happy. Its a journey and it takes time.

One thing you should definitely do is start taking care of yourself and your needs. This disease can take its toll on you. Before you take any step.

Keep coming back.
Hugs, Bettina

She came home yesterday from the mental health hospital. I thought I knew the truth about it all....turns out I'm still a fool. I am so numb....kids are so hurt....I found out through her honesty that she kept seeing him and sleeping with him for a while. All the while I was thinking our lives were perfectly happy. Such a good liar. She was going to stay here on the couch and we were going to figure this all out....until the truth came out. It was a mess. I told her to get out now. I lost it and starting throwing her stuff out of our room all the while balling and breaking down to my knees. The kids saw the whole thing. She took our wedding canvas and a family canvas. I have taken her keys to the house and I'll change the code on the garage tomorrow.

As she left we looked each other in the eyes and both lost it even more. She said she's so sorry. We hugged and held tight. I let go, she started driving away and I chased her to her window. I told her I loved her and that she was always my one and only. I kissed her passionately and said my final "Goodbye".

I am now alone in my room the morning after in an amount of pain that, even after all the previous pain she's put me through, is still pain at a depth that I've never felt it before. I have no desire to even breathe right now. Everything hurts, my heart, soul, body. My boys are 14 and 15. Older one was numb to the whole thing ans just watched to make sure we were safe. Younger one was crying like I was. God what a mess we've made of their lives. Even after all of that and giving her back my wedding ring, I still just want to be held by her and comforted that it will all be alright. I wont hurt myself, but I just feel like sleeping for days. I just want to sleep and wake up not in pain anymore.

NeedingHelp, I am so very sorry to read of your sadness and pain. I can identify and know that I finally left my marriage when it became apparent that I would kill him if I stayed. That is when I returned to alanon, determined to stay and find my sanity once again. I had tried everything: Church, going it alone, therapy and nothing worked This program was founded specifically to help families of alcoholics, so I thought that I'd better get into these rooms, keep an open mind and do what was suggested. I am truly glad that I did.

The disease of alcoholism truly is dreadful and infects the entire family. Our thinking and responses become so distorted by trying to forces solutions so that we react in truly negative irrational ways. I feel for your children as well . There are alateen meetings held in most communities that will help teens handle the pain of this disease I urge you to return to meetings and check out the alateen meeting for your children,
There is hope and help Please keep reaching out

Keep coming back, this is a supportive, loving community.  The online meetings are wonderful and the face to face meetings are essential, especially in early recovery.  We become isolated when living with alcoholism.  Being around the physical presence of other people who know where you have been and where you are is indescribable.  Even in the midst of what you described, there is healing.  Try other meetings until you find one that fits...I found in the beginning it was me that was judging others in the rooms.  And there are some meetings that just did not feel right for me just because.  Keep coming back, the pain needs to be spoken.

Oh MY!!! I just read your 2nd post,  I am sooo sooo sorry...omg, the pain , i can relate....been there, although AH#1 was easy to leave b/c he killed my love long b4 i left him,  AH#2 was different...

I remember drawing a circle on a calendar date....."we get into AA (him)  alanon (me)  or we split"   he did not want it.....I said R U sure??? he said  "i do not want to give up drinking..."  point blank....i remember telling him he had to leave..house was in my name, so i am packing his stuff and it felt like my hands were numb, packing his belongings....like i was walking in a dream/nightmare and wanted to wake up, but the sad thing I was awake......

we didn't say much to each other, and when he had his duffel bags stuffed w/stuff...his personal stuff in his truck (he was stationed in ILL and I am in Dallas)  he had all his stuff in his truck, I almost backed down, but I knew it was the right thing to do...I knew he would get worse, start having legal, work issues, health issues, and things would go down hill.....I wanted healing and positive change....it was my last effort to save me and hopefully him, giving him that ultimatum.....he didn't "bite"  so I stood to my promise....on may 30 , 2000 I kicked him out..........i watched him drive off and i had to sit in the driveway b/c my legs were shaking....he was sweet to me..never cheated that i know of...he wasn't the type, so i seriously doubt it.....but oh my goodness he would get so "hammered" he would talk to the television sometimes he would get mad at the dogs and yell at them, but never saw any abuse,  but he was becoming worse...no memoies of the "last night, tv show where he was yelling, picking a fight with the villian"   or the other last night when he left the broiler on adn almost burned down the house......

I just couldn't take it any more...the stress, worrying was he gonna burn the house down or get into a bad wreck being drunk...if he was close to home, he would go to bars and catch a taxi, but away, out of state, he drank adn drove.....lied to me about how much he was drinking........i could go on.........

the bottom line is that I wanted a healthier life and i had to make the hardest decision of my life.......i loved him and i still think of him....the fun we had, the laughter, the stupid  crazy things we did,  but the booze out weighed it.........the booze began to take center stage and shove all my happy memories back on the back burner......the booze began to be his mistress, his first lover, his big priiority......I was 2nd in his life.....everything else came after me.....the navy even warned him to get help....found this out from a fellow CPO who on the quiet told me that my Ex was getting in trouble w/the navy over his drinking.....they had told him that he was to get help and soon or action would be taken.....that was kinda  "it" for me.....being 2nd to his booze adn then unemployed, perhaps dis honorably discharged or do they do a medical discharge, I don't know, but he was actually willing to risk his beloved naval career over his freakin drinking..........i realized right then, that i had to give him the ultimatum.....and i had to stand to it when he basically told me   "no way jose".....he told me he did not have a problem , navy was "picking on him"  and you know the bs that goes w/a non recovering alkie.....its ALL everyone elses fault, never his........sneaking wine in his truck so i didn't see the quantity of liquor he was consuming adn any old alcohol woudl do...........his choice??? jack adn coke........beer /wine would do if he was cash strapped or trying to be less noticable when home with me......

oh yea, i cried when i kicked him out, sending him to god knows where, but HE put himself out.....i did not.......HE put him self in his truck w/all his belongings.....I pawned my wedding ring adn engagement ring.....i did not want them anymore.....i traded them for some rings i liked.....gone.....let him marry his bottle, he loved it more

so needing, your hugging her, still loving her is real...it is natural....you put your emotional investment in her....so did i w/ my 13 years w/my EX AH #2......i still to this day know...I know i was right to do it......i saved me further heartbreak by getting out.....OH and what did he do when i booted him out???? partied w/his friends...got drunk...met some gal adn about 2 mos. later he is shacking up with her and she let him drink all he wanted  (heard this from one of his fellow mates who liked me)   i told his mate i didn't want to hear any more about him, it was done...over with.....I wanted help  with or without him, it ended up being w/out him.....yes, i felt resentment and anger , the booze won, and i lost, but that is life.....i would preferred he had gotten into recovery but he refused.....I did get into recovery and life is getting better........i don't wake up in the middle of the night sniffing to see if anythng is burning.....I don't check the door locks b/c he used to forget all the time...(we had protective dogs, but still----)....i don't wake up in the middle of the night hearing him mix that stinking awful whiskey and you hear the Pssst of a new coke bottle opening as he pours another and oh yea, the rattle of the ice as he tries to tiptoe back to the parlor to watch tv, trying to be cool so i don't catch on......

some A's cheat.........some don't.......the booze only eases the inhibitions......in other words, a cheater is a cheater...booze only brings it out........a beater is a beater........booze only lowers the qualms about doing it..........

sorry to have written so long on your post......I do hope u work the heck out of this program....U will find your separate self again, the real you...u will be able to reconcile the real you with the fearful controller and the hurting other self....parts that we "grow" in order to cope an survive........he wasn't married to me, not really, oh legally, our license said MY name, not Jack Daniels, but it was Jack Daniels who had him  for all intents adn purposes....OR his other wives, Coors and Carlo Rossi wine....they were his wives , too...... 

i still miss him, becuz he was good to me...i know he loved me the best way he could, but like i said, he had his 80 proof mistress who was not letting go...... and I'll never 4get the good times, but my life has moved on w/out him and the alcohol.....I do look back from time to time, but i no longer stare.....he taught me many things....It was that marriage that was the final thing for me to get help for me.....otherwise, i would repeat the same ole rounds of misery......so i thank him for that....for being the "shove" i needed to get help for myself which was long long over due.....

PEACE.........this program works....i know....i live it and i live better b/c of it................

Needing Help wrote:

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((((((((Needing))))) this post is so good, i am gonna break it up in pieces so i can reply........wow, u r soo honest,  god love you  I am so sorry she broke your trust

 

Thank you so much for that reply neshema. I'm so sorry for you too. It's nice to know that others have been through similar things in their life. Here's what happened today. She and i texted. I know it's not healthy, but I needed the nitty gritty. And here it is: She is a self proclaimed "addict that is self centered to the core." She said everything about us was real and that the only problem was that she was bored in the bedroom. They were just "booty calls", that ended months ago and that the last few months were really as great as I thought...except of course for sex. Her efforts of communicating unhappiness stem all the way back to her father. It's just so sad to know that we really were perfect in every respect except a lack of spice in the bedroom, which to be real....should be a little expected after being together 25 years. I know I've had my moments of boredom, but she just never said anything about it....and went out to find something else.

 

******* well at least you know...she is addict and self centered.......i am disbursed by the remark from her about the bedroom...sooo fixable and yet she chooses to get a "booty call" outside of the marriage....total breach of the marriage vows not to mention your trust, not to mention putting YOU at risk for a sexually transmitted disease.....usually a cheater will say "just a booty call" to minimize the magnitude of this horrendous betrayal.....and ya know???  you only spend what??? an hour in the bedroom, and the rest of the time it is a head/heart relationship...so she tosses it for an hour of spice????  i don't get these people.....i am soo soo sorry,  

She is sober as sober can get. She attends meetings and up until last night hasn't really had a desire to drink. She makes 2 years in August and I make 2 years in July (although never the alcoholic, I just didn't enjoy it anymore). She and I will have to meet at some point to discuss getting her things, visiting the kids, and finances. I'm just so hurt, shocked and plain ole dumbfounded that something that could have been worked on through honest communication and marriage counseling is going to end the only reality I've known for....well, ever.

*****wow, 2 years sober BUT does she have sponsor?? working the steps??? slogans?? etc....my A brother went to meetings to get his drivers license back...he is still a drunk...Oh , he had to be sober and he did for the duration of court ordered meets, tests for sobriety, etc., but he was a "dry drunk"  his mind/thinking was still messed up...just tokenly going to meets did nothing for him and his screwed up thinking was the same.........and yes,  the meet to talk over the break up and the dividing up the stuff, that part is painful, but its part of letting go.....and i  agree , if there was problem in her mind, not happy w/sex, she didn't communicate w/you b/c it was easier, perhaps more exciting to get it elsewhere....a cheater is a cheater and they will put the blame on the other..."oh i'm bored w/you in bedroom"  or "not happy w/father"  not owning her behaviour...the time to talk was BEFORE she acted upon her betrayal....  I know u r hurting...your post was heart wrenching but talking about it, getting it out in the open is the way to recovery,  that and the steps, slogans, with a good sponsor and I must say that coda meets are hard to find....there are books by melodie beattie (not conference approved) but coda endorses her and i read them...boy did they change me....she has two....12 steps for codependents......codependent no more......get them both, i did and they really changed me big time........

I know that I am weak and that I need help through some program and therapy. It know that the whole cheating aspect and always wanting to forgive is a sickness that I need to recover from. As you said neshema....a cheater is a cheater. She doesn't drink anymore and I'm thankful for that...every day. I just need to find a way to eventually find peace in being myself. I will still come into this online group and learn from others. Thank you for your kind and honest words.....all of you!

 

****** when i am weak i am strong b/c i am leaning on my maker and my program, alanon.....needing there are a lot of us codas who are doing just fine in alanon...I am willing to bet that most of us are codas, really, in that we took abuse, tried to save dead marriages, relationships, walked on cracked eggs so as to not piss them off, abandoned ourselves so as to meet their needs as ours went unmet and the resentments built up....trying to change them when we can only change ourselves....oh yea, i am coda, and i am in remission by working my program and alanon has been a life saver and easier to find, lol.........let me say this......4giveness takes action from only one  (the injured party)   who works through the grief, anger, an comes to acceptance and can let go....4giveness only needs one person....the injured party ....4giveness does NOT mean you want them back, or they are welcome in your life, or what they did was "ok"  4giveness only means you worked through the anger, betrayal, grief of a lost life and dream of a happy , monogamous marriage and then coming to acceptance where you make peace with yourself.......that is 4giveness...givng their chastisement/lesson over to god/higher power/jesus/ whatever you call your higher power and then you walk away....and even so, if the crime is so bad and u can't forgive, forgiveness is only a bye product  (IN MY OPINION) of recovery....to forgive YOU is most important and a lot of times the injured party feels some sort of blame or defect within themselves they figure "well there had to be something wrong w/me to not excite her enough or why did i stay w/her for so long???  gee i must be a reject in some way"......NOT so....most people don't want to give up a marriage they put their energy in for so  many years....nobody wants to see their dreams go down the toilet, but there comes a time like Kenny Rogers sang..."you gotta know when to hold them...know when to fold them....know when to walk away...know when to run............."  ................now...reconciliation takes TWO and that is optional...that is up to you....me??? i could eventually let go the resentment/illl will/ hate/ etc., which is forgiving in a sense in that i am letting go...letting them walk their separate path w/out my wanting to shoot them, i could let go..and i have many many times...but do i want some one who screwed me over deliberately and KNEW they were doing wrong and NO remourse?????   HELL NO!!!!   human mistake i can let go and 4give..no worries.....deliberate, serious crimes against me, I don't give 2nd chances.....i do want to let go the bad feelings/ill will, but I do not want reconciliation....

just my take, needing....please please give this program a chance.......you are SO worth it......I do hope my esh (experience and strength and hope) did something positive for you....you reached out to us and i am honored that you gave this board part of which is me your trust....hang with us, read the other shares from the other good folks...go to your meets...get a sponsor when you can and tear into those steps and practice the slogans....I do believe with your hungry for healing heart,  you will be FINE!!!! it just is gonna take time and work....an now is the time to let her go...focus on you and those boys of yours....

PEACE and sending encouragement

---

 

Hello again, NH: What an ordeal for everyone. I can certainly understand how difficult this is for you, for her and for the children. It is true that they will have that memory and yet it does not need to remain painful to them for the rest of their lives. Alateen, if it hasn't been suggested, would be a good place for both boys to go, too, if there is one in your area? If not, there might be one in a City close to yours? Those meetings can make a big difference for them as Al-Anon can for you. Everyone is powerless over this disease and no one caused it, can cure it or can control it. One of the most difficult things for me as a teen was feeling like I had to choose one parent over another. Although they weren't As, my parents still had their own issues. I think it would have been better for me if the parent who pushed me the most to take a side in what really probably was only that parent venting if s/he would have talked with me about it being safe and important for me to love both parents rather than infer and probably unconsciously or unknowingly that I was being disloyal if I remained neutral and loving with both. Sending you lots of encouragement and understanding.

Thank you g2b. I agree with you and I've already to begin to discuss their future with their mom. I've explained that although all of this has happened, we both love them very much. I'm going to make every effort to ensure that there aren't sides, however I believe that they are already mad at their mom...I encourage their feelings, which they don't share. I want them to get as much out of each of us as they want. This will be a long healing process for us all. With new boundaries for me, my wife, and all of our kids.

I've tried to get them interested in alateen before, but they want nothing to do with it. my 15 year old was already scheduled for an appt with a therapist before this all even happened. That will continue and I will be making one for the other as well. I will love them with all of my heart and I will do my best to make sure there is an equal, but separate parenting force.

Thank you again....every helpful word I hear from all of you makes me feel a little stronger.

Hi Needing Help
When you said she is sober as sober can get - I remember my alcoholic wife being dry, but not sober. She wasnt emotionally sober. Without emotional sobriety she didnt have long term commitment sobriety.

What is emotional sobriety? Thrre is probably a real definition out there, but to me it means not using some thing or situation or habit to distract one from life. Lots of things van be used as distractions - alcohol is one, but now you have also experienced affairs, and it could become something else. Without a real commitment to actuallly recover and face life on lifes terms, my wife relapsed. Got 2 DUIs. Eent to jail. Finalky hit bottom and chose real recovery

My questiom about this lack of spice in the bedroom - if you didnt know about that it would mean she never complained before. Why hadnt she said anything? I suspect you arent unapproachable. So if she hadnt ever before talked to you about wanting to swing from the chandeliers etc then what are you to conclude from that?

You are hard in the middle of it. Go to meetings and lean on HP. If your kids see change in you they may want to go to Alateen. Who knows?? All you cam really control is yourself, any other good things come from blessings straight from HP.

Peace

Kenny

Kenny,

I agree that she was a "dry drunk" as it is said. As I posted earlier, she didn't fully commit to the steps as she probably should have. As far as our sexual life...I've taken some very big leaps today in some personal reflection on my feelings about how things in bed have been. This is very personal, so I hope I don't offend.

I too was bored. We had moments of pure bliss, but they had become few and far between...and a lot of the time it felt like we were just going through the motions. Although I would never and have never cheated on her....I've been lying to her and myself by saying "I've never thought of another woman". There was never any "one" in mind, but my mind began to drift as well. To what it would be like......We have been together forever and that has to be natural.

It is a shame. Now that I've done some serious reflection, had we just once discussed how we were both feeling, we may not have had to go down this road. Or at least not down this road, this way. I mean seriously....one stupid conversation, that's all it might have taken.

I do not excuse her by any means for what she's done and continued to do to me and this family for a long time now. But as I think to myself, I realize that I too am to blame for not communicating the way I felt either. I'm sure somewhere in the steps, this has to be some type of revelation; i mean realizing that they're not the only ones to blame or have a problem.

Now before anyone gets panicked, I am not and I repeat not taking this away from her at all. She owns what she did. It just seems like such a trivial conversation that we could have had at any point, but neither of us knew how. This is so much more complicated than I can even try to explain here. My feelings, hers, kids, etc. So much involved, I just look back and wish it had been handled better by either one of us.

So I carry on and will trudge forward to a meeting in the morning. One breath, one minute, one hour, one day at a time....

Dear needing

one thing about being here....We can open up, share our stories, air our pain/outrage and grief and do it w/out shame, judgement and criticism from the other members...

I had an UGLY background and noone here did anything but give me love, support, encouragement, validation,  I knew i was home when i came in here.....we have a tremendous group here.....good, diligent moderators.....great meets on line which i enjoy going to.....yea, you are safe to share here and you will feel better, i promise, this too shall pass as the time goes by.......

i like what newlife girl said to you.....I have learned from  being in alanon  there is NOTHING wrong with me......but there IS a lot wrong w/what happened to me .....there is a big difference.....

-- Edited by neshema2 on Saturday 14th of June 2014 01:38:38 PM

Dear needing

I believe in the truth...the truth sets you free...yea, my posts are open..honest...no bs behind any of it...if i am to give esh to my fellow, I have to be honest w/me so i can be honest w/my fellow alanon

I do hope that the replies you are getting, albeit painful to hear at times, help you....we here at alanon, are not into bullcrap and pussy footing around......we have been through hell and back and we seek healing and the healing comes with the truth

I hope my honest wasn't too shocking, i always try to use dignity w/my honest open shares...i do this as much for me as i do the recipient of my shares.....

reading your story , i think back...ok as far as i know..i was not cheated upon...but there are other forms of cheating.....my X #2 cheated on me re: affection...my conjugal rights...he cheated me by his mental/emotional abuse which was turning physical....

I am glad the kids know...sounds harsh, but really, they will find out later....my kids tell me now..."mom, u were always honest and open and owned your stuff , we felt safe"   

needing, i am always open and honest in recovery rooms.....very reserved in the "wild world" b/c i am very cautious and i don't share unless the other proves they are safe

i come here and i can completely open up b/c i know i am SAFE....so are you.............

coming here is my therapy along w/the meets, steps, sponsor work, etc.....

there is no "non harsh" way to talk about what happened to me....I have to tell it like it is w/out adding or subtracting from it....He was awful to me....2nd AH was not...it was what it was....

with 2 bad marriages and 2 failed long long term engagements, I dunno , now with recovery and i am no longer so sick, my coda is in remission b/c i work my program , NOW i could hold up my end of a healthy relationship, but there just isn't anyone out there I want....its like i "wore" guys b4,  now i am recovering and living a half way healthy/decent life and getting better withn me,  its OK if i don't find anyone.....it would be NICE to share life w/someone heatlhy, but ya know?? its OK whatever happens, I have to play the cards i am dealt....one thing for sure....I would never hook up with an A....that is for sure........

Peace

 

NEWLIFE

that was a great , honest, share....there is no "pretty" way to tell our sad stories is there???  i think you shared with honesty, straight forwardness and dignity.....I, too, would immediately leave a cheater b/c of the   #1  breach of trust      #2 i don't share my men       #3 the STD risk., i would be terrified of getting a disease.......there are things that break the deal for me..........abuse and adultery  AND substance abuse........will not live with it ever again...i know i had abuse and substance abuse...dunno if anyone cheated on me......don't want to know

You are going to become a double winner!!!!!!!!!!

WAY TO GO!!!!!