Getting worse and worse - Al-Anon Family Group

Venera · Senior Member

Getting worse and worse

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Venera

It sounds like your hubby is taking a turn to the violent. There are others with more experience that I'm sure will comment here, so I will just say please be safe.

Kenny

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Here's my thing, I do not trust ANYONE who is in an altered state of mind because you truly and no one else can predict what someone will or won't do. I've seen good people do seriously stupid scary stuff.

My first ex, I told him I was going to leave that I was done .. I was sitting calmly on the couch and he tried to lay his head on my lap to make it all better. I told him over and over again please do not touch me, please get off of me .. well he did it anyway and I jumped .. I could tell he wasn't ok. In jumping up I knocked him off of my lap and when he fell he smacked his back on the corner of the coffee table. He jumped up and proceeded to beat me. Thankfully he didn't hit me in the face .. he did however beat my body that I had some God awful bruises on me. While this was in process I was screaming .. and to quiet me he placed a pillow over my face .. I was able to turn my head to breath .. however as soon as he went and got off of me I was shooting for the door, which he blocked with his body. To this day (20+ years later) I can describe to you the terror that went through me .. there were guns in the house, there were all kinds of things that were going on and all I could think is OMG .. I'm going to become a statistic. I immediately went to the closest neighbor and they called the police. It was a humiliating experience to be photographed, the bruises, the situation was embarrassing even though I can tell you now .. it wasn't my fault at the time I felt it was.

The first ex was a drug addict and maybe he could have turned to alcohol I don't know .. it doesn't matter .. no one saw it coming .. I had seen it escalating however .. really wasn't prepared for what transpired. There were holes in the walls, threats, things of that nature .. nothing that would have indicated that he would or could have acted in that way.

With my STBAX .. there were moments I could see it was headed to more of a physical confrontation .. and I didn't want that .. obviously because the kids were right there .. the last thing I wanted them to see was their dad beating their mom. He had it in him and for the grace of God I was able to stand my ground in a very go ahead make my day way .. he has always been aware because of my previous experience I would throw him in jail and I wouldn't hesitate to press charges like I had the first time with my first ex. When he realized he pushed to far he was the one to leave the house that night.

What I wish I had done earlier was go to a domestic violence shelter to seek counseling and get advice in what were my options. I wound up getting both counseling and finding out what my rights were .. this is strictly MY opinion .. with the kids involved their safety comes first (well yours does .. however if you are protecting them it rubs off that way). He is headed down a slippery path and one of the reasons a suicide terrorist is so deadly is because honestly .. they have nothing left to live for here in our reality. I can't stress enough not to scare you .. however to make sure that you take your situation very very seriously because it is easy to become a statistic .. my first ex felt awful about what he had done and immediately tried to minimize it and rationalize what had happened .. thankfully I had enough self preservation to know .. that what was coming was only going to get worse.

He has no job, he is looking at loosing his family, he is in desperate mode to keep you where you need to be in his mind .. that is in fear .. do find and seek professional counseling from domestic hotlines. Usually those services are free only because the goal is to keep people from becoming statistics. For yourself and your children and even for your AH .. protect yourself .. hugs and PLEASE do update so we know you are ok.

Big hugs to you sis, S :)

Venera · Senior Member

Thank you so much for all this, I really needed to hear from somebody else that this is all wrong! I was starting to blame myself for calling his mom and leaving the house with kids. And I know he knows me so well and all my soft spots, he will try to convince me that I am exaggerating because he didn't do anything to me. But I feel so frustrated that I have to live somewhere else with kids, in so much inconvenience for us and my friends, all because I am truly scared to in the same house with him now. So he is having all fun there and I have to financially support him when he is being this way... This feels even more wrong reading myself, but why I am not shocked I don't know. For the first time I don't even want to tAlk this out with him, no texting or calling from my side. I am king of shaking all day, but part if me keeps excusing him.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

KennyFenderjazz wrote:
Hi Venera

It sounds like your hubby is taking a turn to the violent. There are others with more experience that I'm sure will comment here, so I will just say please be safe.

Kenny

hey Venera

this is ONLY gonna get WORSE....now hes leaning towards violence.....Please please get some numbers to carry with you at all times......of course the police and 911, but the nearest women's shelter you can find.....you need to be able to "bail" quickly so he does not harm you.....this is scary.....this is gonna get worse and worse UNLESS he is forced into recovery......I would not hesitate to call the cops....let him see some jail time......if he comes at you??? you have the right to report him......domestic violence is handled a lot different now (thank god) then it used to be....cops that that stuff very serious...especially since u have little kids.......please be safe.....I hope debilyn sees this post...she has some great ways of how to respond in emergencies.......

Venera · Senior Member

He didn't do anything violent to me yesterday, he only verbally threatened me which was scary enough knowing that he is not himself and anything can happen. I will ask to stay at my friends house today again, but I need to go get things from my house and I will take his friend with me just in case. Thank you again

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Even a verbal threat is violent, Venera. Lots of encouragement and prayers for you and your family.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Venera wrote:
He didn't do anything violent to me yesterday, he only verbally threatened me which was scary enough knowing that he is not himself and anything can happen. I will ask to stay at my friends house today again, but I need to go get things from my house and I will take his friend with me just in case. Thank you again

I don't mean to sound dramatic, but verbal threats usually precede the physical stuff....u make him mad?? he can slam you in a heart beat.....serious...my X AH#1 started w/words....then the physical stuff started, i blew my stack when he shoved me over the sink with his hands on my throat...i kicked him in the bollix and got out and got him arrested......he almost lost his job, b/c he had the night shift and he was in jail.......i told some bikers whose taxes i took care of ea. year and they told him, that if ANYthing happened to me, he would "disappear" and these guys were BAAAD!!!! ..AH#1 was scared to mess w/me after that and it bought me time to get out... i got out shortly after that....and I stayed gone

Venera · Senior Member

Wow Neshema! This is really scary! I am so glad u were able to get out!!!!!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Venera he threatened your life, the situation was so bad you would not respond to him due to it possibly being physical.

Please please call your local dept of human services and find a domestic violence support group. A person under the influence can easily hurt or kill you and the kids.

A restraining order is appropriate for you, he threatened your life. Your sheriff or police dept can guide you.

As far as getting your stuff, a police officer if you are in town will go with you,part of their job. If you are in the county the sheriff dept will send a deputy to help you.

I very strongly, very invite you to do these things. Those things we hear on the news, are not just other people, they can be us.

You may find out if he will leave so you and kids can move back in. or i would ask him in front of the officer. A's tend to be VERY paranoid of law enforcement.

He will see you mean business and you are not afraid to have protection from him. We must protect our kids, you their mother has to protect herself for them.

I say this all out of love. I delt with some awful abuse, did the above. My dear AH was the love of my life, but that disease was worse than satan....

hugs,debilyn

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Venera wrote: I am king of shaking all day, but part if me keeps excusing him.

Venera, .. this completely sums up what I have done in the past. I hope you can find meetings to attend. Hugs S :)

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Venera.... I am happy the people that have responded to you are encouraging you to keep yourself safe. I am currently in a similair situation. Lots of support and love .....

In my situation, I just recieved a phone call back from the counsellor. It has helped to relieve my anxiety and I have a plan started.

Sending lots of prayers and love...... (((((Hugs))))

Luiza · Senior Member

He is not only abusing you but also the children.
Your children do not deserve this and nor do you of course.
Don't be afraid or ashamed of calling the police at any time you feel threatened.

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