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So today is my brother's 1 year sober! I'm so happy and proud of him, he is doing great. He is the reason I started alanon and coming to this board. Sadly, although my brother is sober, ever since I became pregnant with my 1st child last year, I've noticed my husband has been increasing his drinking. He never had a habit with alcohol prior, but he did smoke a pack a day of cigarettes. Well he quit cigarettes when I was pregnant and maybe the stress of the life change made him drink more, I don't know. There were a few incidents where he came home drunk, couldn't even talk, when I was pregnant. I let him know it was not acceptable and that it hurt me. He stopped for most of the pregnancy, but I've noticed, in the past 4 months when maybe once a week he comes home from work he isn't sober. He isn't wasted, but he is definitely not right. He denies it. His job has down time and he is self employed, so I'm thinking that while he is in between jobs at work, maybe he goes to the bar. Well today he came home completely drunk! On my brother's 1 year sober. He brought home dinner and I was putting my son to sleep and I noticed he was on the phone with my brother. My heart sank! He was drunk talking to my brother who is a huge addict and bipolar with psychosis. Why would he do that?! I'm hoping and praying my brother didn't notice, I don't want anything hurting his sobriety. I'm just so mad and hurt. Honestly I went through this with my brother and I never expected this would happen with my husband. I'm so devastated for myself and our son. I'm so afraid that my son will witness drunk behavior in his life and I just don't want him to. We don't even have alcohol at home and he might have a beer with dinner, but what is going on at work? Its so confusing to me. My husband is a wonderful father, very hands on, attentive, can take care of our 7 month old amazingly and loves it. If I knew he was going to have drinking issues I would have never became pregnant. Everything changed when I got pregnant. I think he is stressed about being a dad and the pressure to provide and be responsible. I don't know why it would just start out of the blue but I'm just so sad and scared. It is just devastating what the cycle of addiction in families does. I thought it wouldn't hit my family and look at this. So depressing. I'm praying to God it will get better without going down the dark road like my brother's addiction. I just need some encouragement and prayers.
Hello. I can understand your concern. I can't say if your husband is an alcoholic or not. I can say that you seem to also be under a lot of pressure but you don't drink. Neither do I. Stress - in my experience - doesn't lead to a person drinking to excess on a continual basis or try to cover it up.
It is so true what you say - the cycle of addiction has a devastating affect not only on the user but on the family members, too. I have been in Al-Anon for awhile. I started it when I divorced my husband. I worked it more earnestly when my own son developed full blown alcoholism and moved back to live with me after his father died. He was in his mid-20s then. What I've learned is that I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it.
I am powerless over it as is every member of my family. The only thing I have power over is whether or not I seek the help of Al-Anon for myself. Without it, I believed I was responsible for so much of what this disease does to us and thought there must be something I could do to help most especially my beloved adult son. With it, I realized that my son had to seek help for himself in AA. He hasn't done that. I have been comforted, encouraged, educated and shown the way to keep my mind and heart and hands off his life and his business and to focus on my own. With Al-Anon, I wouldn't have been able to find the strength to do that. I do hope you will seek out the program meetings in your area. We also have on-line meetings here. Keep coming back here, too.
Dear Sam, congratulations on the birth of your first child and for having the courage to come here and post your confusion and pain. I am so happy that your brother has achieved one year sobriety and appreciate the hard work and effort you have put in to maintaining your sanity and life. I ams saddened to hear about your husbands increased drinking and will include your family in my prayers.
As you know, alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. The most important thing we can do in the situation is to learn how to keep taking care of ourselves. Al-Anon meetings helped break the isolation, offer the support that is so necessary for your well-being and recovery. Learning to live one day at a time, focused on yourself, refusing to project to the future or dwell in the past, trusting a power greater than yourself, using the slogans and working the steps will produce the serenity courage and wisdom that is necessary for your recovery.
Hi Sam813!
First, please extend my congrats to your brother for his one year of continuous sobriety. That is a big mile marker in the journey of the alcoholics recovery efforts.
I'm sorry you are having to experience what you are with your hubby. He sounds like a good man. Alcoholism is not a disease exclusively for bad people, it is simply a sign that someone is sick, and alcohol has become the buffer for the illness that resides within them. It has no perimeters or boundaries. it can and does effect people from every walk in life.
Have you openly spoke to your hubby about his drinking and your concerns? Have you asked him in a non confrontational way if he is in trouble with it? Would he like the opportunity to do something about it? Is he willing to talk to someone else about it?
You might not get the answers you want, but you have asked the questions, and those questions don't just disappear between his ears. They will intrude on his drinking almost every time he puts a drink to his lips. Most times it is not what you tell an alcoholic that makes the difference, but rather what and how you ask an alcoholic a question that stays with them, long after the talk.
As for how it might effect your brother's sobriety, after a year, if it is founded in AA, it will probably make your brother more grateful for his sobriety. And that's a good thing.
I know it is hard and stressful to go through this kind of stuff in life, but with Al-Anon, and learning a few tools you will be okay. You will come out of this no matter what hubby does or doesn't do.
(((((SuperHugs)))))))
John
__________________
" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Thank you so much for your kind words. What you said about asking, wow that really makes sense. I probably asked, but in an attacking way. Or I told him "you have a problem". I think I will maybe try asking in a sincere and non confrontational way and hopefully he will hear it.
I just spoke with my brother, he just left from his AA meeting where they all celebrated his 1 year sober. He is doing great, I heard the joy in his voice. He found a medication that is really working and he is in reality and sounds like he did many years ago before drugs. He told me that he spoke with my husband and that my husband opened up and offered a lot of support and that he was blessed by their conversation. He obviously didn't know my husband was intoxicated, which I'm glad about, but it makes me sad that they couldn't have had that conversation with my husband being sober. I feel like my husband missed out. And that it was a special moment that was tainted. I don't know it just feels crappy. I'm going to focus on the blessing which is my brothers sobriety and healing, and let go of my husbands selfish and self destructive behavior so that I can have a happy evening. I feel like I could let go and let God, detach with love, and focus on me when it came to my brother's addiction. But with my husband it feels so much harder. I feel like if my husband's drinking turns into a full fledged problem, that I don't know how I would deal with it. Because we have a son, I want our family intact, but if my husband gets drunk in front of my son, I honestly don't know what to do. I guess I have to just take it one day at a time, and not focus what ifs. Thanks everyone for listening it means so much. I feel so alone.
You are so right! You don't have to decide what you'll need to do tomorrow today. I can relate to those scary thoughts that I used to have myself when I was married with babies. Unlike you, I didn't know that I could choose not to focus on what ifs back then. Yet, I knew what I needed to do when the time came to do it. I see you doing all that you have needed to do today. Can you trust that you'll know what to do when its time to do it in the future just like you've known what to do in this day? If so, maybe you've been listening to your HP's guidance and doing the next right thing? If so, then can you trust that you're not alone?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 10th of June 2014 12:14:09 AM
So I spoke with my husband this morning. I started by asking him "Do you think that you have a problem with drinking?" He said no. He was denying a lot of things and downplaying his behavior. I said I was concerned and that he drank too much a number of times and that from my perspective it seems like it could be a problem. I wanted to avoid an argument as we have a baby and I like it to be a positive environment for him so I ended the conversation. I then texted him how I felt in a non attacking way as best I could. He apologized and said he would not let this happen again and that he feels bad, that he was wrong, and that we deserve better from him. I reminded him he has said this the last time he drank too much, and that sorry means you won't do it again or it is a pointless statement. I said that if you can't make the change yourself do you want to get help. I tried to make it like I wasn't telling him what to do as it is his choice what he does. He said no to getting help. I just let him know my expectations for our relationship and what I'm willing to endure and that I won't be around somebody who drinks too much my whole life and won't have my child around it. I've been through hell with my brother, I don't want my child going through that with his dad. Now it is his choice what he does and I'm going to let it go and give it to God. I know I can't do anything so that he can change, and I can only focus on myself and what is best for me and my child. Of course I pray that his drinking gets better, but I know from experience with my brother that addiction is always there and its a constant battle. It is hard letting go, it feels so powerless and the future seems so scary. I'm praying HP helps me to focus on today and doing what is best for me in this moment.
