It's unbelievable... - Al-Anon Family Group

Luiza · Senior Member

It's unbelievable...

Venera · Senior Member

Prayers for you, all sounds so familiar!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am glad you are here at MIP and meetings helped me a lot in the thick of things. Sending you love and support!

Luiza · Senior Member

I feel so stupid. Why I didn't wake up right at the beginning when we were just dating?
Why did I make such a bad choice? And why did I throw a child in the mix?

He had sent me three txts during the day saying how much he loves us, he had such a good day on Sunday and lots of kisses and stuff.
How Am I to believe this if he comes drunk knowing he would hurt me and bring everything down again.
Last Monday, exactly one week ago, was when we had such a big fight and I found this forum here, I was so desperate.

Using my childhood against me was the lowest of the low and really immature and nasty.
So, just because I was raised by alcoholic parents I have to shut up and put up with a drunk husband?
Don't I deserve any better? Don't I have the right to not have drunk people around me? Should I be doomed forever then?

How could he have said that?
And once I leave, he will claim he does not understand and I am being unfair...

I just want to become entirely another person and forget I ever met him tbh.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Luiza wrote:
I feel so stupid. Why I didn't wake up right at the beginning when we were just dating?
Why did I make such a bad choice? And why did I throw a child in the mix?

someone more alanon experienced that i am said to me "its the why's that will get you everytime" asking why is "ok" when we are doing our step 4 and want to re-discover oursleves, but to keep asking why now, how about "WHAT can i do to take care of me" its already done.....dating/bad choice/having a child its all done, so what to do now???

I hope you can get into as many alanon meets as there are days until you are strong enough you can maybe cut back and go most days...find a sponsor and work the 12 steps and also the slogans......

i grew up with alcoholism and married it....TWICE....b/c i did not know any better....was trained that that was normal......very skewed thinking, but step 4 helped me understand this and work through it and find myself....

hope you give this program a chance

Luiza · Senior Member

Will go to this meeting tomorrow. Starts at 10.30 am but I start working at 12. Which means that I will have to leave at around 11.40, so I don't even know if I can stay till the end. Hopefully 20 minutes will be enough for me to get to work.
The other meetings are either during my working hours or in the evenings. I don't have a support network so if he isn't here in the evening, I can't make it. I have a new job starting in Sept which means I won't even be able to do the morning meeting.

Can anyone recommend websites where I can read more? Ordered a book but hasn't arrived yet.

Want to try and do the meeting here.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey L, I can't find any meets near me so i go on line...they are great and yes, one can prosper with on line meets, even if thats the only or near only way for them...i know....and u go enough times, you can scope out the people and find a sponsor, that is what i did...we swaped tel #s and it was great....where there is a will there will always be a way if it is meant to be and we are meant to have healthy, happy, prosperous in all things lives, so universal power will help you find the way......

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Luiza and welcome to the board. Read and really listen to what is being said to you here at MIP with an open mind. This is new ground and Al-Anon was new ground for all of us when we first found the rooms for recovery. The fellowship here is very experienced and knowledgeable and all of use started from the beginning which is where you are at now. One thing that helped me to understand was that I couldn't expect to know better until I learned better. This disease is very cunning, powerful and baffling and without the ESH (EXPERIENCE...STRENGTH AND...HOPE) from those who came before us it very easily confuses us and takes our spirits down. Trying to expect normalcy from out of alcoholism is a set up for resentment and anger. You've done good already in not joining in on the fight when you had the chance earlier. You will do better with practice. You are not allowed to beat up on yourself for not knowing what to do in the situation when you haven't learned the many things you can do in that situation. Glad to have you hear and hoping you keep coming back and let us know what you are learning and how you are getting better. (((((hugs))))) smile

Beatrice · Senior Member

Luiza,

You sound like me when I first entered the rooms of Alanon.

Keep working your program and get your hands on Alanon literature and if you can find the little blue book, One Day At A Time, this will help you immensely.

In order to reach serenity we have to have the courage to change. We cannot control the alcoholic. Please immerse yourself in the first step. Really absorb it.
breath it. say it. It will save you a lot of wear and tear on yourself.

1. We admitted we are powerless over the Alcoholic and our lives had become unmanageable.

I agree with Neshema, It was my sponsors that really helped me out of my desperation and the philosophy of this program, for Alanon understands
the disease of Alcoholism like no other program.

If we want to find serenity, we must work the program to the fullest, its there for our growth. You have chosen to love and be with an Alcoholic.
Begin the journey into yourself.

Hugs, Bettina

Luiza · Senior Member

Thank you and I am sorry if I sound really rude or hateful but I will concentrate on getting out.
I don't deserve this and my daughter don't deserve this.
She already senses that her dad choses alcohol over her.
I don't care if it is a disease or if he can't 'control' himself which to be honest I am really struggling to believe.
No I don't love an Alcoholic. I hate and despise him.
I have tried and I gave everything.
Enough.

Beatrice · Senior Member

Nobody here will tell you what you should do with your marriage, that is your choice. Any decision you make will be the right one for you.

Remember you have a daughter together and you will be tied to him thru your daughter.

Your daughter must understand that her Father is sick. I don't think you would want your daughter to resent and hate her Dad.

Alanon can still help you to make that transition. Alcoholics are never easy to deal with.

Hope you keep coming back.

hugs, Bettina

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Luiza wrote:
Thank you and I am sorry if I sound really rude or hateful but I will concentrate on getting out.
I don't deserve this and my daughter don't deserve this.
She already senses that her dad choses alcohol over her.
I don't care if it is a disease or if he can't 'control' himself which to be honest I am really struggling to believe.
No I don't love an Alcoholic. I hate and despise him.
I have tried and I gave everything.
Enough.

((((((((((L))))))))))) no way are you rude to express your feelings, sorrow and pain.....we are here and listening........and nobody deserves this......some folks stay...some leave...I left b/c i got sick and tired of the same ole misery and i knew, even back then, that nothing would change till i changed my circumstances......i get what u r saying.....i have been there..done that.......and yea, its a disease, but its a CHOICE ......NOT to drag his arse in AA and get sober......so sorry i can actually see your pain and i can't do anything to make it better but send you peace and hugs.............

Luiza · Senior Member

Thanks.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

There are many publications available to you through the World Service Office Headquarters of Al-Anon as well as free literature that you can download and print. I am glad you are going to go to your first meeting tomorrow and please keep coming back here. I hated what I felt, too, when I was married to my x. Al-Anon, among other things, helped me through all of it. I did learn to let go and let God when it came to him and was also able to make my peace with him a few years before he died. We aren't fighting the person with the disease as much as we are being affected by a disease over which we are all powerless. We slip and slide together on the road of progress, never reaching perfection but never giving up on learning and growing either. Thanks for being here, Luiza.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:
There are many publications available to you through the World Service Office Headquarters of Al-Anon as well as free literature that you can download and print. I am glad you are going to go to your first meeting tomorrow and please keep coming back here. I hated what I felt, too, when I was married to my x. Al-Anon, among other things, helped me through all of it. I did learn to let go and let God when it came to him and was also able to make my peace with him a few years before he died. We aren't fighting the person with the disease as much as we are being affected by a disease over which we are all powerless. We slip and slide together on the road of progress, never reaching perfection but never giving up on learning and growing either. Thanks for being here, Luiza.

WOW, this is beautiful....hey G , I am glad u could make your peace w/him b4 he passed...that is sooo neat....a kind of closure to it all........and yep, we are all slippin and slidin, but we can hold hands and hold each other up b/c there is strength in numbers.....

Luiza · Senior Member

Yes!
Made it to my first meeting. It was so lovely been in a room with people who understands exactly what you are going through and will not judge. It feels amazing!
Going back next week.
Will order my books online as I do not think they sell them there.
i had to rush to work 30 minutes before the meeting ended, so no time to talk.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Luiza wrote:
Yes!
Made it to my first meeting. It was so lovely been in a room with people who understands exactly what you are going through and will not judge. It feels amazing!
Going back next week.
Will order my books online as I do not think they sell them there.
i had to rush to work 30 minutes before the meeting ended, so no time to talk.

yaaaaaaay biggrin biggrin biggrin we got great on line ones too....i tell ya, once you get into it and meet healthier people??? its sooo freeing......and it shows you how nice it is to "hang out" with the healthier ones........good for you..........proud of and happy for you biggrin biggrin biggrin

Luiza · Senior Member

Thanks neshema!
I tried to attend an online meeting here yesterday but I am not sure if I did something wrong/went to the wrong place? I am also in the UK so maybe I got the timing wrong too...
I am not used to this forum's format so will take a while until I figure everything out...

So...the meeting already did me so good.
My H had txted me in the morning saying how sorry he was and all the blahblahblah
I nearly wrote an essay telling him a piece of my mind but kept quiet, as I didn't want start going in circles again. As I didn't reply to him he wrote again: -please talk to me...
I didn't reply and went to the meeting...

I ended up sharing a bit of the situation but I needed to make it clear that I got no compassion for my H and I don't care about him.
But after I left the meeting I decide to reply to him and just said: - Hello
He replied saying he was feeling bad about himself and blahblahblah
I didn't know what to say so said nothing.

However he called me in the afternoon saying that work was finished and he was coming straight home.
It felt so good to just leaving the past in the past and not having resentments, no sulking, no questions, no passive aggressive remarks, not talking about the last drunken night and not setting expectations and trying to make him promise anything.

I think he is a bit baffled to be honest and a bit confused.

We had a good chat about anything but alcohol, he spent time with daughter and did his bit on bed time and now is relaxing.
I hope I will be able to let go every time.

*** I think I meant everything but alcohol...as in we didn't mention booze at all***

-- Edited by Luiza on Tuesday 10th of June 2014 05:50:00 PM

-- Edited by Luiza on Wednesday 11th of June 2014 05:00:43 AM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I didn't know much about addiction either. Sure I knew the book stuff, but until I lived with my Ah I was ignorant.

I learned all know from mip, AH and books.

You are doing just fine. You are where you are, no sense in looking back and critiquing it.

I leaned to hate, despise the disease who took over my husband. If he had not been mentally ill and physically abusive i would have wanted to cont. the marriage.

Yes not reacting is the best. I know when i stop caring, I feel nothing, there is no energy to fight or say anything. I then take steps to change my life. Look at what I want.

I don't want to live with an A either. I always say there are many A's I love very much, I like many things about them. Marriage to one does not work for me however.

You really let it out and I am so glad. Meeting are so important, the ones here are wonderful. Also anytime you need one on one you can pm people on here.

hope to see you keep coming.

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Just suggestions... keep going to meetings, they will help you greatly. While we don't say you should do this or that regarding your marriage, we'll be supportive and loving towards you no matter what decision you make for yourself.

Attend 6 different meetings .. so you can be sure to find the group of people you are most comfortable with and before deciding if Al-Anon is what you need or want. I found it was exactly what I needed and wanted, and I found the greatest group of people to help guide me on this journey.

Grab up whatever free literature that they have at the meetings, usually in pamplets, and read them... keep them close to you, so you can pull them out and read again whenever you want to.

And please stay close to us here at MIP. When you came in here and shared so openly and honestly about your feelings, you made yourself a new resting place, a new home.. and a new family of friends that have been down the road you are on. You never have to feel alone again... we already love ya bunches!

John

-- Edited by John on Tuesday 10th of June 2014 05:14:01 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.