Feeling conflicted. I have household/personal decisions to make. - Al-Anon Family Group

sadsusie · Senior Member

Feeling conflicted. I have household/personal decisions to make.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh dear me Sadsusie, I have to admit that when I read your line about the badly behaved pet dog my immediate reaction was that I would re-train it - as if I could!!!! Well done you for not including that option!

I'm really intrigued about your comment of 'fear of myself' - I've felt that as well, thinking that it is fear of what I'm about to do (i.e. break up my relationship) but reading it here I'm not so sure so I'm going to go away and ponder on this for a bit - what is it about myself that I am scared of? I really haven't a clue right now. I hope its because I'm not so scary or stupid after all. ((((Hugs))))

PS A trip to Atlanta sounds really interesting.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Susie, I'm in the same boat as you, except that I don't work or have a career to fall back on. I could have written every single one of your 'ifs' and I think those are what is keeping me stuck in many ways! Keep turning it over to your HP and pray to be in His will, not yours. That is basically what is keeping me sane right now! Hugs to you!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Susie, i think your instincts or HP within is trying to tell u something as i see in your post, but u r maybe fighting it??? 2nd guessing it??? i think meetings are in order....i do the same thing...my instincts are yelling at me to do/not do something and i go 2nd guessing them.....all out of fear as you said.......fear keeps me paralyzed in the same ole same ole.....walking though those fears with program and paying attention to the signs helps me become emotionally ambulatory again..........change is hard, i know...if life was easy all the time , we would never grow....good luck whatever u do....

Flower49 · Senior Member

Susie,

I have the same fears such as if he completes this 1/2 way house, what he is just going to pop back in like nothing ever happened.

My counselor keeps trying to have me make a list of all the pros and cons of everything I like about him. I can't list one damn thing in the pros and just don't have the heart to do the cons.

I too fear living on the fence of the next relapse and not trusting at all because we have had way to many relapses.

I fear that maybe he will get better and then dump me and I have this maniac need to dump him first.

Everyday when I get caught up in my fears I turn to my HP and say "Please Lord send me comfort, ease my troubled mind, heart and soul, just for this minute."

I agree with Neshema2 in the fact that maybe your HP is trying to send a message. When I feel that way I give myself lots of quiet and prayer time to hopefully see the message clearly.

Beatrice · Senior Member

The thing about all our projected fears, prevents us from living in the moment.

I think it would help to not think about the alcoholic at all and concentrate on your goals and what you want from this life or even from the day.

Remember to take it One Day At A Time.

Hugs, Bettina

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh I so agree with Bettina! It's not about them, it is about YOU. I continue my life, not basing it on what he does. I mean this about anyone.

I did have 9 dogs who would bite me! They were not socialized. So I sat down, put hotdogs on my legs and let them eat off my legs. then I would catch one at a time, groom it and love on it. Soon all were cool got great homes! yes I got bit, so what?

What makes us base our lives on someone elses actions? We love someone for who they are, we know an A does relapse. They are A. Once we realize we have no control over what they do, we then look at what we need/ want for ourselves.

I did stay with mine who did relapse, or he was still drinking and whatever. We would be doing fine then out of nowhere he would say something hurtful or not make sense, and that good space of time went away. I was sad for sure.But to be able to stay with him, I accepted it and went on. Still had my animals, home to take care of, my health to watch over. I still loved him, but not he effects of the disease.

Anyone we love is going to do what they are going to do. I am not going to live in fear that my friend will be gone for a month this summer, or my son is workin hours away from me. I don't worry about if one of my friends is going to drink. it is their choice, I want to be their friend, mother whatever so I accept them as is.

same with the man I love. I accept him as is.If I cannot, I take myself out of the equasion. No it is not simple but it may be easier than feeling apprehensive all the time.

What is it that his relapsing or whatever will do to you? What will it change? So can you make it so if it happens you are still ok?

hugs! good for you for facing this!

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Susie, it sounds like your life is on hold and dependant on your husband, who is an alcoholic. I did this for years, never made plans, couldnt commit to anything really because I was living in fear and felt that if I was at home I could control what was going on. Living in the fairytale land of if he gets sober. When I began living my life for me this made me angry for a while, angry at him and me. Life is too short to only live it when all the pieces are in place the way you want it. He is an alcoholic and he is an adult, he is living his life the way he wants to, why wont you? I had to consider that my fears belonged to me and he was my excuse not to live it, this was my own doing not him or his drinking. Are you using him as your excuse? I suggest upping your meetings, doing the step work, looking within.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

If if if he gets sober, it will happen whether you live with him or not so do what will make you happy NOW because tomorrow is not guaranteed to us.

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

In Al-anon, I learnt to live my life to the fullest regardless of what AH is or is not doing.

Wishing you all the best.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

What Bettina and Pink .. it really doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do what are YOU going to do and NOT use the A as an excuse not to do it? I think of all of the things I didn't do or stopped doing because the A might do this or that and I wound up with a bunch of resentments and bitterness .. I'm so much better now .. in the beginning though so focused on him and what might happened it kept me from taking chances and doing things that feed my soul.

Sitting down and getting right with my HP has always worked best for me to follow His plan and not try to project what might happen.

Hugs S :)

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am less conflicted when I check in with me and follow through with what is truly best for me. And I always knew, just like you know.

sadsusie · Senior Member

Thank you all for giving me so many things to ponder.

I had myself a breakdown yesterday (my very own little pity party), yelling at my AH. (doesn't do anyone at all any good)

THE PENDULUM SWINGS
I thank you for reminding me of my motives. I feel stuck and like I am trapped and I think my outburst is a way of trying to escape.....like you might imagine a rebellious teenager would do. I have come a long way in the last year. from having Zero friends to finding and building real relationships with real people. From doing nothing to getting involved in fulfilling activities. I am really proud of myself and know that is a healthy direction for me. But at the same time, I am feeling the pendulum swing. The more comfortable I am getting "out there" the more I just want to run away from my AH. Like a caged animal who has been freed. But getting all out there may not be the best for me. I am distracting myself from myself.

LISTENING TO MY HP
I think that this swinging pendulum contributes to my inner conflictedness (is that a word lol). Y'all hit it right on the head, I am ignoring my HP. I have actually felt a distance between us these last few weeks. I think that I have turned my back on Him because I just want what I want, like a teenager. I recognize that I feel far from Him, but (ridiculously) I am resistant to diving back into is will. He has been so good to me thus far.

EXCUSES
I am the queen of excuses and complaining. I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm stressed. While this things all may be true, I use them as an excuse to not fulfill commitments to myself. Like NOT going to meetings. Like NOT going to work. LIKE eating a bag of cookies. Which in turn makes me feel even more depressed. I am sure you have all been there. I feel like I have to FORCE myself to get out of my house, bed, pajamas. Once I do get out of the house I am usually glad.

Thanks for letting me share. It helps to put it out there, and I can only pray that it may help someone else not feel alone.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Susie...

AWARENESS usually leads to getting out the emotions...feeling all the feelings, then comes the acceptance part, then comes the aaction part

you are OUT of denial..that is a good thing....first step to change......keep hanging out w/alanon and working the program......U can do this if u r really ready for it.....I woulnd't make a move until i was really ready and able to stand to my boundaries and decisions....

program work, consistent, diligent, open/honest/willing through the meets, sponsor/step work, slogans can bring ya there...change sucks..change is scary, but change is necessary if we don't want to stay stuck...then change is our good friend hope this post made sense....

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Susie, I think your progress is amazing, the way you can see your own part in your own life, welll for me that was the 'penny dropping' moment, that awareness of myself, the ability to take a close look and see how most of the difficulties were my own doing really, I wasnt a victim of anyone but myself. That was amazing to me because that meant he lost his power within my mind to make me miserable and I reclaimed my own power back. Keep going its working.x

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.