Manipulative People - Al-Anon Family Group

phoenixmagicgirl · Senior Member

Manipulative People

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

PMG I try to remember that we are all at alanon meetings because we have been adversely affected by the disease. Manipulation, control power plays do happen because they were our "go to tools "before program.

I always say that I learned how to use my alanon tools in alanon meetings first. I kept the focus on myself, did not gossip or judge anyone, used the slogans Let go and let God ,How important is it ", prayed and made sure to share my ESH
.
The saying "We are all here because we are not all there." helps to lighten the situation Focus on your recovery

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I say give it time. More for you. Look at yourself and see how you can change your focus on him. Possibly try compassion. Or be glad you can spot manipulation.

Also share it, maybe share how you deal with manipulative people.

I was blessed to work with sp ed kids, this include gang kids etc. One kiddo had aspbergers. spell? omgosh was he a pill! I had trouble at first. Then one time I apologised to him for being too hard onhim. He said YOU are the first person to ever apologize to me!! He was 16! After this he became such a joy to me with his unique ways and how he saw things. lol

This happened a few times in my life, someone who bugged the heck out of me, became a joy to me! What is it about this guy that really gets to you? Is it your lack of relating? What does his manipulation do that makes you irritated?

I just learned thru mip to not ask about what others do, but what is it to ME. As I can only work on me and no one else.

Hugs!!!

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Heck, I guess, well I know I could have handled it better but one time I was at a meeting and this regular male member who is always a jerk was there and saying and acting like jerks do. At the end of the meeting I went up to him and said, "every year I try to pick a gift for all regular group members for Christmas. What to get you always eluded me until tonight. I'm going to get you some Viagra Nasal Spray! He said he had never heard of it, and I replied, "its only used by dickheads". I then walked away. LMAO

His attitude and temperament has calmed down a lot since then.

Not suggesting you use this line, but hey... ya just never know. LOL

Don't let the jerk take so much space in your head... just be grateful you don't have to live in his.

John

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

If someone is manipulative - although frankly - I'm not sure what that even looks like in meetings - I just hear people's stories - I'm generally simply going to let them be in a meeting and not be available for after meeting conversations. I gravitate more towards folks who've been in program for a long while and it is very apparent they have been working a program by their walk and not their talk for the meetings after the meetings. On occasion, we do have some pretty demanding folks who want the Al-Anon program to be like other programs and they can get very nasty about it. Generally, I just let the chair handle it. If I'm a chair and somebody is demanding or disruptive or trying to manipulate the group towards gaining more attention than anyone in the room, being versed in our purpose, our guidelines for meetings, the Conference Approved literature, and the preamble helps me to simply focus on why I'm there and to simply state what our guidelines are for our meetings and what readers we use. If the person continues to push the edge of the envelope, we have some double winners in our groups who aren't reticent in sharing what is on their mind as a last resort. I tend to stay away from troublesome people. I'm there for me and not to get tangled in some dispute over basically nothing when I consider the meeting format and how one can usually go anywhere and basically have the same structure to count on with maybe a bit of a slant here and there.

Beatrice · Senior Member

Manipulation is everywhere,

On the job, in our family, in our friends, the media, every day we are confronted with manipulation.

Its good you recognized it and you can't be manipulated unless you want too.

Hugs, Bettina

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

I feel it is a gift now that I can recognise manipulation. I couldn't before so was open to be hooked into bad situations. Through Al-anon and ACOA, I can now see it with a bright red flag waving at me on it!! So I can now avoid it. I just detach from people trying to manipulate, they cant do it to me if I don't let them!

I am also mindful not to use manipulation myself.

As far as at a meeting, I would just listen and learn. Another persons behaviour is not personal.

I also find when I start fixating on someone else, it is a good time to ask myself what am I trying to distract myself from.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

John wrote:
Heck, I guess, well I know I could have handled it better but one time I was at a meeting and this regular male member who is always a jerk was there and saying and acting like jerks do. At the end of the meeting I went up to him and said, "every year I try to pick a gift for all regular group members for Christmas. What to get you always eluded me until tonight. I'm going to get you some Viagra Nasal Spray! He said he had never heard of it, and I replied, "its only used by dickheads". I then walked away. LMAO

LOLOLOL......OMG....that was GREAT!!!!!! LMAO........

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Beatrice wrote:

Manipulation is everywhere,

On the job, in our family, in our friends, the media, every day we are confronted with manipulation.

Its good you recognized it and you can't be manipulated unless you want too.

Hugs, Bettina

boy is this true!!!! it is every where....I try to look at me and figure out what is the message here, when faced with someone manipulative, and while I am doing that, i just put some distance......and this is true...u can't be manipulated unless you want to........we teach others how to treat us, act around us, behave towards us....when the users and con men/women know u r on to them and not buying into it, they leave....

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

SunshineGirl wrote:

As far as at a meeting, I would just listen and learn. Another persons behaviour is not personal.

I also find when I start fixating on someone else, it is a good time to ask myself what am I trying to distract myself from.

oh i like this post too....good thread guys i am learning.......their behaviour is not personal and yea, when i obsess about another, what am i running from within me or as SG wrote "what am I trying to distract myself from" wow, this is great info....

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.