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Has anyone ever read this play by henrik ibsen? Its all about a woman who lived to please and entertain and make the people in her life happy. A crisis occurs and she sees the reality of her life and she leaves her family to go and find herself. It was banned in many countries when it came out in the early 19th century, I think. Its more about women in society at this time but it is relevant to me.
When I think about the type of wee girl I was, I remember trying to make people laugh and being hyper alert to others moods and feelings, I learned to take on the role of people pleaser and the big big role of happiness maker. My needs, feelings and wants were never really thought about and I based my own happiness on how others were around me. I dont want to be the doll anymore, putting on a show, taking on the role of people pleaser but its a hard role to leave behind, its a comfortable role, people like me when I be what they want me to be. I want to be true to myself, let others have and own there own feelings but im pulled away from me and towards what they want. Its my first instinct, to fix, please. I have been like a chameleon my whole life, fitting in to any circle of people, having more faces than the town clock, behaving in any ways called for in that moment. I should have been an actress, I might have been good at it.
Anyway, I want to shed that role, I want to be me, whether im liked or not. I want to be true to me and not behave the way im expected to or wanted too. It builds resentment in me when im not true to myself and play the role of the stupid doll. Thanks for listening.x
el cee: I think it takes courage to "come out" from behind one of the masks that some of us wear and I'm glad you are willing to do that. The thing to me is, people don't really like people pleasers because the person behind the mask isn't yet known, so maybe they really just like the mask or they are people pleasers themselves? Dunno. Just wondering.
I've always seen you as direct and honest. I guess I missed that people pleasing part? And stupid??????? That is certainly not a word I'd even think is close to fitting something about you.
Regardless - good share. Thank you. I've read books that are actually written to tell women that is what they are to do - please. It's the same thing some of our daughters are taught from childhood on. You are stepping out in a countercultural way. Bravo! It takes courage to say "no" when we mean it and "yes" when we mean it.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 8th of June 2014 03:22:38 PM
Thanks for the kind words. I think ive been rejecting the role since my early thirties but remnants are left behind, for example, this friend I have at work is hard work, she is full of tales of woe, so me being the people pleaser i get uncomfortable and take on the responsibility of making her feel better, so I might joke or I might offer advice when really I would like to say - maybe you should look hard and see why you feel the need to feel sorry for yourself all the time. Also, she is really negative most of the time and cant say a good word about anyone but I just sit there rather than say - im not comfortable talking about people like this, so please dont. The problem is if I truly reveal myself to her I know we wont be friends, so maybe its the whole abandonment issue again.
I did not know you before, but what I see now is a person that is direct, expressive and unique and does not allow the people pleaser to dominate. I don't know the most private parts...I do know that even the people pleasing part of us (I am right there with you) has many positive sides to it. And a living doll, not a stupid one(((elcee)))
Thanks pp, im not any different personality wise, but im only just getting to know myself now at this time in my life. There are certain people that highlight this part of me, my big sister is one of them, she does not really like this new alanon me, she says I never ever needed to change, she loves me the way I am, but she loves the wee sister that bent over backwards to please her really. So now im a grown up and I think it challenges her to be honest because I dont just agree with the whole negative view of life anymore. I can no longer listen to self pity and negativity the way I used to, when I was all about that too.
I've always enjoyed your posts and have learnt a lot from you - thank you. I can't put up with self pity and negativity any more either. I still quite like some of my people pleasing tendencies though so I'm just trying to be a bit more discerning about who I please. I guess that putting myself at the top of the list would be a step in the right direction.
I've been miserable only when I haven't been true to myself. That doesn't mean that the outcome of choices I make or things I say is always my preference, but I can sleep in peace when I know I've said what was mine to say or done what is mine to do. I'm miserable when I don't do or say what is mine and then peace totally escapes me. That underlying peace is what I've meaning that is below feelings. And by the way, el cee. Today you posted at another thread and talked about how you say to somebody who is in a negative state of mind that you know they'll figure it out and offer them some tea. I'm going to use that. Not the tea so much but the words. I really liked that simple, easy way to speak. Thanks.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 8th of June 2014 03:42:19 PM
Gosh this post came full circle back to PP's question this morning. I don't think I cut people out, however I do put a time limit on certain people. I kind of go in knowing what my limit is and I no longer apologize for reaching my limit. Some people I have no limit because it is just easier. I think we are just like-minded.
So you think I should treat negative people the way I treat the alcoholics in my life? Yes, I see that could work, I think its just the whole expectations round a close friendship where more is expected, but I think your right its about detaching with love, it seems to me all relationships need detachment with love in them. Putting myself at the top is good , yes. You guys are good. Wouldnt it be good if we only had alanon friends, life would be simpler.
Yes, I like that idea too, having a limit, it could be a time limit of how much time I will spend with the person, then it would be easier to keep up the whole detach with love thing.x
I read some works of a person (I think it was Byron Katie) who said that our families are an echo of our past beliefs(paraphrase). I wonder if that is true for friends and relationships that are no longer comfortable or suited to us? Perhaps in growing through some things, our friends also represent echoes of our former selves? Dunno again. Just wonderin' aloud.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 8th of June 2014 06:37:40 PM
Me to pp, its the like minded thing, we know what were all about here.
Ive never heard of byron katie, I might look that up. I can relate to that very much, my kids are living breathing parts of both me and their dad from the past, it can be hard to face sometimes. My daughter is me 20 years ago, its amazing, I try and guide her with my program, she has dabbled in alanon but shes not ready to committ fully yet, I think she will though. Anyway, that is something to think about.x
I have to share my story because this is where the limit came in. I spent years trying to figure out the purpose of gossiping. The more I tried to figure it out the more miserable I got. Then something shifted in me. I just thought who cares why they do it. I just don't like it. Then I set a time limit. Now I am at a zero tolerance policy lol
